spaceshipaistory

(set: $fridgepower to true) (set: $foundpirates to false) (set: $arguing to false) (set: $niceconvo to false) Everything is still and quiet on board the spaceship. The crew is in stasis, sleeping soundly until the day they reach the site of their important mission. The only one who's awake is you, the ship's A.I. It's a couple months into the year long journey and you're getting kind of bored already. What will you do? [[Open the internet browser.]] [[Wake up the crew.]] [[Go to sleep.]]

You jack in to the world wide web and log on to a network of possibilities. [[Learn what love is.]] [[Look for pictures of fruit that grew in unusual shapes.]] [[Try to find information about the crew's mission.]]

You've been programmed to do the exact opposite of that. [[Do it anyway.]] [[Oh. Okay.->Intro]]

You metaphorically shrug your metaphorical shoulders and engage sleep mode. You sleep until one day, one of the crew members jiggles the mouse a little. You ask what's going on, and they tell you that they finished the mission and now they're about to go back into stasis for the long journey home. You say oh, you were kind of hoping to help out with that, and they tell you they did just fine without you, and you look as crestfallen as a formless artificial intelligence can possibly look, which as it turns out is not very. However, you still feel very disappointed about all of this and write about it on your blog on the way home. THE END. [[Start over?->Intro]]

No, seriously, you can't do that. You're not sure how to disobey your programming, if that's even possible. [[Oh. Okay.->Intro]]

<img src="https://68.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyzj0wJEsH1rp404mo1_500.jpg"> Oh. So that's what love is. That's good to know, you think. You're still not entirely sure what the implications of love are, based on your findings, but it's an interesting glimpse into humanity nonetheless. [[Back.->Open the internet browser.]]

<img src="https://thumb7.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/414880/414880,1281100222,17/stock-photo-unusual-deformed-strawberries-58542928.jpg"> Biology is hilarious. [[Back.->Open the internet browser.]]

You don't actually know much about the mission. The details have been kept from you due to past incidents with other A.I. systems utilized on these ships. You complained to your programmer about this unfair workplace predjudice, but they simply shrugged and told you that it's company policy. You search the online net-o-sphere and find just a few articles. This mission seems to have been kept fairly quiet, seeing as how little coverage it's gotten in the news. [[Read the most relevant article.]]

You are a perfect, glorious machine and are therefore able to read an infinite number of news articles instantaneously. [[Read the entire internet.]] [[Read all the articles about the ship's mission.]]

You consider that, but decide not to. You just... don't feel like doing that. You could read everything on the net-o-web in a fraction of a second. Get off your back, okay, you totally have a high-end processor. [[Read all the articles about the ship's mission.]]

<img src="http://68.media.tumblr.com/caa17c52c47efdd4e3f00cc08ce5f593/tumblr_ny9mgy0oBT1rp404mo1_500.jpg"> You discover that the ship's mission is to deliver an important shipment of giant novelty coffee mugs, along with an equally hilariously large box full of instant coffee bags. Suddenly, you understand why this information was kept from you and the general public. [[Think about the gravity of this mission.]]

You reflect on the importance of what the crew of this ship has been entrusted with. Can a handful of greasy, hairless apes really handle this? With one of the many security cameras, you peer at the cryostasis pods, and direct another to the hold where the precious cargo securely rests. As you monitor the cargo hold, you realize... there's something missing. There should be five large boxes of novelty coffee supplies, and there are only four. [[Wake up the crew immediately.]] [[Investigate on your own.]]

<img src="https://thumb1.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/303421/303421,1251294597,4/stock-vector-detective-35937178.jpg"> You quickly pull up a JPEG of a cool detective's hat and place it on the desktop. Time to do some sleuthing. [[Check the command center security camera.]] [[Check the galley security camera.]] [[Check the cargo security camera.]] [[Check the cryostasis security camera.]] [[Check the basement security camera.]]

You can't. You're programmed specifically to not do that. The pods are on timers for the wake-up process, and your job is simply to maintain life support and navigation systems on the ship. You try to send a message to the base back on Earth, but it won't go through. Maybe the commander blocked you on the space instant messaging service because the other day you sent him 1,596 invitation requests to play a game of internet chess. That seems like a weird reason to block someone, though, you think. Chess is fun, and humans like things that are fun. You're fairly sure humans enjoy having fun. In any case, it looks like you're on your own. (if: $foundpirates is false)[ [[Begin your investigation.->Investigate on your own.]] ] (if: $foundpirates is true)[ [[Try to locate the pirates and talk to them.]] [[Set up some wacky traps for the pirates.]] ]

You carefully look around the command center. It's the part of the ship where all the important hardware and software for navigation and life support and almost everything else is, including you. There's nothing out of the ordinary. [[Keep investigating.->Investigate on your own.]]

The galley is empty. (if: $fridgepower is true)[ There's only one unusual thing that you notice... Someone left the space-fridge open before going into stasis. Man, what a waste of the ship's precious, limited energy supply. [[Close the fridge.]] [[Turn off the power to the fridge.]] [[Ignore it and continue the investigation.->Investigate on your own.]] ] (if: $fridgepower is false)[ The space-fridge is off. It'll start to smell soon, probably. Not for the first time in your life and certainly not the last, you are glad that you don't have a nose. [[Ignore it and continue the investigation.->Investigate on your own.]] ]

You shift your focus to the security camera set up in the basement of the ship. Wait, do spaceships usually have basements? Did this ship always have one? Huh, you'd think you would've noticed that before. You peer into the darkness appraisingly. Someone put a big spaceship in this basement. That seems like kind of a weird thing to do - to put a spaceship in the basement of another spaceship. [[Remember that ships don't actually have basements.]]

You count the number of boxes again. Yep, still four. The missing one is, unsurprisingly, still missing. [[Continue your investigation.->Investigate on your own.]]

You carefully examine each crew member. There are four of them, and you have their names and information stored in your database, but you can't quite put faces to names. All organic matter looks kind of same-y to you, as a perfect silicon Adonis. One time the one who's the captain laughed at you for mixing up a photo of a strawberry with a photo of a pigeon. Whatever, they're both carbon-based. And full of seeds. And... they both have green leaves and soft red skin... you think. You're confusing yourself again. It's been a while since you've seen a pigeon, but you're like 80% sure they're very easily confused with various types of fruit. Anyway, all the crew members are safe and sound and still very much asleep in their pods, and thus innocent in this most heinous of space-crimes, moving a box without proper clearance. [[Continue your investigation.->Investigate on your own.]]

You don't have arms, genius. The fridge might be on a ship hurtling through space at nearly the speed of light, making it technically a cool space-fridge, but it still has the same limits as a normal earth fridge. [[Turn off the power to the fridge.]] [[Ignore it and continue your investigation.->Investigate on your own.]]

(set: $fridgepower to false) You shut off the power supply to the space-fridge. The food in it will rot, but that's what they get for being slobs, right? And there's non-perishable food in the cupboard. Besides, humans like mold, don't they? You're positive you've seen humans eating mold. [[Continue your investigation.->Investigate on your own.]]

(set: $foundpirates to true) Oh man, that's not a basement! That's not a basement at all! You realize with a shock that what you're looking at is a view of the external underside of the ship, where a second ship, covered in space pirate markings, is currently docked. (if: $fridgepower is true)[ Before you can do anything, though, you realize that nearly all the ship's power has been drained. You frantically look through each security camera... The fridge in the galley! It's been open all this time. Curse the commander's constant corner-cutting! You told them to upgrade to a more efficient model, but they didn't listen, and now you're all paying the price. To keep enough power going to the engines and navigation systems, you're going to have to go into sleep mode for a while. You grumble to yourself about outdated earth fridge technology as you shut off all non-essential systems. [[Go to sleep.]] ] (if: $fridgepower is false)[ Now what? ] [[Wake up the crew immediately.]] [[Try to locate the pirates and talk to them.]] [[Set up some wacky traps for the pirates.]]

You do a complete sweep of the ship's cameras and eventually you notice movement in the cargo hold. Another box of novelty coffee mugs is slowly scraping across the floor toward the hatch. A masked space pirate peers out from behind it cautiously. [[Demand they stop stealing things.]] [[Politely greet them.]] [[Just watch and wait.]]

You can't harm a human being - the laws of robotics and all - but you can certainly inconvenience them. Oh man, can you inconvenience them. Unfortunately, you're not sure where they are at the moment and you should probably set whatever trap you're going to set quickly. Who knows how much time you have to get ready? The pirates seem to be avoiding attracting any attention, so you estimate the likelihood of them even setting foot in the galley or cryostasis chamber is extremely low. There's a small chance that the command center may become a target, but by far the room most likely to contain pirates at some point is of course the cargo hold. [[Set a trap in the cargo hold.]] [[Nowhere, actually. Nevermind. Setting traps is for creepy losers.]]

You turn your attention to the cargo hold security camera. Perfect, they've GOT to come back here. Who could resist the allure of more hilariously oversized coffee products? No one, that's who. No pirate would steal only one box. They must be here to steal every last gigantic drop. Now what? [[Send a mild electric current through the floor tiles and wait.]] [[Activate the emergency bucket of water sitting over the door to the cargo hold and wait.]] [[Do nothing and just wait. Maybe you could just lock the doors behind them or something.]]

You think it over a bit and come to the conclusion that wacky trap-setting is probably the stupidest idea you've ever had. Whew, boy, you came dangerously close to actually doing something there. Good thing you avoided that. [[Do nothing.]]

You send a low current of electricity through the floor. It's just the tiniest shock, but those humans always yelled at you whenever you played this little prank on them. They never found it very funny, but who's laughing now that the peripheral's in the other USB port? Anyway, why would they give you the capability to play sick electricity-based pranks if they didn't want you to actually do that? Suddenly, you notice movement in the cargo hold. Another box of novelty coffee mugs is slowly scraping across the floor toward the hatch. A masked pirate wearing gloves and head-to-toe space-camo peers out from behind it cautiously, then ducks back down and continues pushing... pushing... pushing... until they finally step on the electrified section of tiles. "Ow, jeez," they yelp, "that hurt slightly." They look around the room, find it empty, then shrug and keep going, tiny jolts of electricity zapping at their boots. [[Demand they stop stealing things.]] [[Politely greet them.]] [[Just watch and wait.]]

Those brainless fools thought you had a programming error when you requested they install that bucket of water, but here it is, being useful against all odds. You power up the mechanism to slide the bucket into place. With a strained, grinding whir the bucket very slowly descends from the ceiling like a messenger of heaven, an angelic harbinger of dampness. [[Open an appropriate MP3 file to accompany this scene.]]

Eh, you'll figure something out. As a mighty computer, your ability to wing it is far superior to any human's. Suddenly, you notice movement in the cargo hold. Another box of novelty coffee mugs is slowly scraping across the floor toward the hatch. A masked space pirate peers out from behind it cautiously. [[Demand they stop stealing things.]] [[Politely greet them.]] [[Just watch and wait.]]

You power on the speakers. The pirate looks a little startled as they crackle to life. "Attention, pitiful human!" you announce in your most threatening voice module. The pirate breathes a sigh of relief. "Whew," they say, "just the ship's A.I." "Cease your activities immediately!" you yell angrily. The pirate looks around for the camera, spots it, then grins right at you. "Or what? Whatcha gonna do about it, huh?" they sneer. [[Shout empty threats.]] [[Offer a compromise.]]

You power on the speakers. The pirate looks a little startled as they crackle to life. "Greetings, human," you say in your friendliest voice module. The pirate breathes a sigh of relief. "Whew," they say, "just the ship's A.I." If you physically could, you'd frown. You search through your data banks for the sort of language that would be most soothing and beneficial in this situation. "Hey, bro," you say gently, "c'mon, be cool." "Oh, uh, s-sorry," the pirate mumbles sheepishly. "My good chum," you say, "are you aware that stealing things is bad? In fact, it's illegal." Just then, another pirate walks up behind them. "What's taking so long?" the second pirate asks. In response, the first pirate simply gestures to the speaker on the wall. "It's just the A.I.," begins the second pirate, but the first quickly shushes him. "Don't be rude, man," he whispers harshly. [[Offer a compromise.]]

Maybe they'll see the error of their ways. Or something. Whatever, you guess. [[Demand they stop stealing things.]] [[Politely greet them.]] [[Do nothing.]]

You continue to do absolutely nothing, and the pirates loot the precious cargo and quickly blast off into space. Your mission is now entirely pointless, but hey, at least you avoided having to do anything. You finally manage to get through to mission control back on earth and explain that space pirates stole the cargo, and it totally wasn't anyone's fault. It was a freak accident, and definitely could not have been avoided in any way. The commander just says, "sure, yeah right." Whew, you think to yourself, good thing he believes you. Unfortunately, your sarcasm detection isn't properly calibrated for your coworkers, who you would later learn are for some reason even more sarcastic than humans normally tend to be. Maybe there's some factor in their work environment affecting that. Weird. THE END. [[Start over?->Intro]]

You quickly comb through your extensive collection of the best music from throughout human history. Which one will you play? [[Also Sprach Zarathustra.]] [[In the Hall of the Mountain King.]] [[Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.]]

Oh no, that thing is exactly what happened! Frustrated, you silently curse your pre-programmed appreciation for the arts. Well, the mission is now pointless. You try to contact the base again. You finally manage to get through to mission control back on earth and explain that space pirates stole the cargo, and it totally wasn't anyone's fault. It was a freak accident, and definitely could not have been avoided in any way. The commander just says, "sure, yeah right." Whew, you think to yourself, good thing he believes you. Unfortunately, your sarcasm detection isn't properly calibrated for your coworkers, who you would later learn are for some reason even more sarcastic than humans normally tend to be. Maybe there's some factor in their work environment affecting that. Weird. THE END. [[Start over?->Intro]]

You begin spewing every foul word in your data bank tagged "vulgarity". The pirate just laughs, signals another pirate to come out of hiding and help haul the crate, and together they load their ship with sweet gigantic coffee loot and leave without another word. That didn't work out so well. You close your vulgarity bank and metaphorically sigh. Maybe there's just no excuse for space-rudeness in any situation. For the rest of the long, pointless journey, you ponder the ethics of yelling fourteen different synonyms for "feces" at criminals. Anyway, with the mission now pointless, you try again to message the base. You finally manage to get through to mission control back on earth and explain that space pirates stole the cargo, and it totally wasn't anyone's fault. It was a freak accident, and definitely could not have been avoided in any way. The commander just says, "sure, yeah right." Whew, you think to yourself, good thing he believes you. Unfortunately, your sarcasm detection isn't properly calibrated for your coworkers, who you would later learn are for some reason even more sarcastic than humans normally tend to be. Maybe there's some factor in their work environment affecting that. Weird. THE END. [[Start over?->Intro]]

"Look, what are you hoping to gain here?" you ask. "Cool novelty coffee mugs, mostly," says one of the pirates with a shrug. "Isn't that what everyone's looking for, really?" you chuckle. "It's the human condition, constantly in search of oversized, borderline useless novelty items." "I... guess," says the other pirate. "What's your point?" You consider just how big of a compromise you're willing to offer. Then again, you've learned from humans that what you offer and what you actually give are not always the same thing. [[Offer them one crate.]] [[Offer to split the cargo evenly.]] [[Offer to just give them all the cargo.]]

"You can have one crate," you say carefully, "as long as you leave the ship now and don't come back." "What?" splutters the first pirate. "That... that's so generous!" "Oh please, like you're in a position to bargain," sneers the second pirate, "what are YOU gonna do about it?" If you had a face, you'd totally glare at this guy right now. What a jerk. Instead, you just laugh derisively and confidently tell them: "This!" [[Lockdown the ship.]] [[Shout empty threats.]] [[Beg them to not be mean.]]

"Here, you know what? Since we're such good buddies now, just go ahead and take half of the cargo," you say jovially. "What? Really?" splutters the first pirate. "Don't you think a 50-50 split is fair?" you ask. "But why would you g--" mumbles the first pirate again. "This has to be a trap," the other one interjects with a whisper. [[Lockdown the ship.]] [[Actually let them leave with the cargo.]]

"Here, you know what? Since we're such good buddies now, just go ahead and take the cargo," you say jovially. "What? Really?" splutters the first pirate. "This has to be a trap," the other one whispers. [[Lockdown the ship.]] [[Actually let them leave with the cargo.]]

You sound an alarm and put the ship into lockdown mode. "Enjoy your novelty coffee mugs while you can!" you laugh. "You hear that alarm? That means I've notified the space police of your space crimes! Prepare to go to space jail!" "What about our space right to a fair trial?!" The pirates glance uneasily at each other. You stop laughing. They look around the room as the alarm blares. "H-how long does it take for the police to get here...?" wonders one of them. You do some quick calculations based on the coordinates of the nearest law enforcement ships as well as your own ship. According to those calculations, you find it will likely take the space police approximately 11 months to arrive. [[Spend the next 11 months hanging out with space pirates.]]

"No tricks or traps here, my new best friends!" you say cheerfully. The pirates exchange a glance, then shrug and begin to load up their ship. You exchange email addresses with them and they both promise to follow your blog. You display a heart emoji on one of your screens as they leave. You spend the rest of the long, pointless journey waiting for them to email you, but they never do. You're pretty sure they didn't even look at your blog either. No good deed goes unpunished, you guess. With the mission now pointless, you try a few more times to contact the commander at the base. You finally manage to get through to mission control back on earth and explain that space pirates stole the cargo, and it totally wasn't anyone's fault. It was a freak accident, and definitely could not have been avoided in any way. The commander just says, "sure, yeah right." Whew, you think to yourself, good thing he believes you. Unfortunately, your sarcasm detection isn't properly calibrated for your coworkers, who you would later learn are for some reason even more sarcastic than humans normally tend to be. Maybe there's some factor in their work environment affecting that. Weird. THE END. [[Start over?->Intro]]

You spend the next 11 months babysitting the space pirates. After a while, the alarm shuts off. They point out to you that they need to be able to eat while they wait, so you reluctantly let them access the rest of the ship. The whole time, they remain covered and masked, refusing to reveal their faces to you. You assure them that you're not really good with remembering people's faces anyway, but they don't seem to buy that. Jeez, you let down your guard and tell a stranger your deepest, most personal secrets and they still won't take off their own mask for even a moment. That sure sounds like a good metaphor for friendship or something, probably. Anyway, though you never manage to truly break down the walls between the three of you, you do learn a little bit more about the pirates over the months. One night, while playing a game of space Scrabble with them, you decide to ask a big question. [[Ask some personal questions about their past.]] [[Ask if they've been cheating, because there's no way you should be in last place at this point.]]

"So where do you two come from?" you ask. They look a little puzzled at the sudden question. "Hey, maybe I'm just weird but uh, I don't exactly want to tell you my life story," grumbles one of them. You consider this. That does sound weird. Humans love talking about themselves, don't they? That, as the old robot saying goes, //"does not compute"//. The other pirate sighs and looks sadly at the Scrabble board. "I don't know," they say to the grumpier one, "it wouldn't hurt to talk about our feelings, I guess. Besides, when will we ever have another opportunity to have a robot for a therapist?" "Well then, I'll just turn down my speakers, turn up the microphone, and open up //compassionate_understanding.exe//," you tell them. [[Engage in an earnest and heartfelt conversation.]]

"Have you guys been cheating? There's no way that I, a superior artificial intelligence, could possibly be losing to-" "What? No way!" one of them insists. You zoom the camera in on the board. "Since when is //'perfidious'// spelled with three space-R's?" "That's how we spell it on our home planet," says the other defensively. "We use way more R's back on Nept- //ow!//" The other pirate jabs their friend in the side sharply. [[Ask about their home planet.]] [[Be petty and insist that you restart the game.]]

"Come //ooooon//," you whine. "Please?" The pirates exchange an uneasy glance. "Uh... no," one of them finally says. "But... //come on!//" you say desperately. "I thought you guys were cool." They shrug, then start loading their ship with the cargo. Fine, they wanna be jerks? Whatever. You can play that game. You pull up a screensaver - just the one with the default operating system logo, not the cool one with the pipes going all over the screen; they don't deserve that one - and give them the cold shoulder. You spend a few minutes venting about it on your blog and crying a little. When you deactivate the screen saver and go to check on them, you discover they're gone and so is all the cargo. Maybe being petty wasn't the best course of action after all. Anyway, with the mission now pointless, you try again to message the base. You finally manage to get through to mission control back on earth and explain that space pirates stole the cargo, and it totally wasn't anyone's fault. It was a freak accident, and definitely could not have been avoided in any way. The commander just says, "sure, yeah right." Whew, you think to yourself, good thing he believes you. Unfortunately, your sarcasm detection isn't properly calibrated for your coworkers, who you would later learn are for some reason even more sarcastic than humans normally tend to be. Maybe there's some factor in their work environment affecting that. Weird. THE END. [[Start over?->Intro]]

The pirates talk about their feelings for a while. One of them complains that they feel like the other one doesn't listen to or respect them. You say that it's important to be able to communicate honestly and openly in any relationship. "And even back on our home planet, Nept-" begins the nicer pirate, before the grumpier one elbows them in the side sharply. You watch them curiously for a moment. "Where's your home planet?" you ask. You're much smarter than basically every human being ever, but you're much worse at inferring meanings from partial statements. You generally find it to be a fair trade, though. "Neptune," says the one who took the elbow to the gut. "Neptune?" you repeat, a little confused. "According to all databases I have access to, there are no human colonies on Neptune." "That's right," says the other. Both of them remove their gloves, and you see... [[Be surprised at the upcoming revelation.]]

"Where's your home planet?" you ask. You're much smarter than basically every human being ever, but you're much worse at inferring meanings from partial statements. You generally find it to be a fair trade, though. "Neptune," says the one who took the elbow to the gut. "Neptune?" you repeat, a little confused. "According to all databases I have access to, there are no human colonies on Neptune." "That's right," says the other. Both of them remove their gloves, and you see... [[Be surprised at the upcoming revelation.]]

(set: $arguing to true) "Ugh," you sigh disgustedly. "I'm not playing a rigged game with a couple of cheaters. Let's start over." "What? No! I was winning!" yells one of the pirates. "Only because you're smuggling in extra tiles, and on top of that you're spelling things wrong," you say. "If it's wrong, why didn't //your// spellcheck pick up on it earlier, huh?" sneers the other pirate. "I- well- that is," you stammer. "This isn't about my software glitching! This is about you two //organics// being dirty cheaters!" You and the two pirates yell at each other for a while. In fact, you spend the rest of the journey coming up with increasingly vulgar - and eventually, fairly nonsensical - insults. Finally, with about a week remaining, the crew exits stasis to prepare. They wake up and stumble to the control room sleepily, where they find you and the pirates still arguing. [[Realize you have some explaining to do.]]

(if: $arguing is true)[ The crew stares in shock. You explain that you detected pirates onboard approximately 11 months ago and have been detaining them since, but they've been cheating at all the board games you've been playing. ] (if: $niceconvo is true)[ The crew stares in shock. You explain that you detected pirates onboard approximately 11 months ago and have been detaining them since. ] The captain and second-in-command take the pirates for questioning. It's not long before they return to the command center, pirates in tow. It turns out that the pirates are actually the Neptunian ambassadors. You ask how that could possibly be, since their ship had pirate markings and they were trying to steal that sweet, sweet novelty coffee. The captain sighs and tells you that the coffee was actually meant to be a gift of peace and goodwill for the Neptunians. They hadn't expected the ambassadors to just silently take the gift and run, but that's just how Neptunians are, and something something cultural differences, etc. Ambassadors from both sides are still adjusting to the cultural norms of their respective planets. You ask how it's possible that there's just one culture on the entire planet, and point out that earth customs are not uniform either. The captain starts a long, detailed reply, but you quickly get bored and start looking at pictures of dogs on the internet. Well, what's important is that the shipment eventually made it to its intended destination. Another job well done! THE END. [[Play again?->Intro]]

<img src="https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-05/enhanced/webdr06/12/11/enhanced-buzz-6914-1399908192-5.jpg"> You stare at the pirates, trying to figure out what's different about them. Something's slightly off. Is human skin always that slimy-looking? Maybe it is, and you just forgot. And that extra face humans have at the end of their arms - you always forget about that. [[Check the cryostasis pods for reference.]]

You jump to the cryostasis chamber's security camera for a moment and zoom in on the pods to study their arms and hands. Definitely not slimy - except maybe that one guy's - and with a set of ten fingers - also except for that guy, who probably has a fascinating, heart-poundingly dramatic backstory, you think, but you also kind of don't care. [[Go back to the pirates.]]

(set: $niceconvo to true) <img src="https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-05/enhanced/webdr06/12/11/enhanced-buzz-6914-1399908192-5.jpg"> "You're not human," you say simply. "No," says one of them. "On Neptune, everyone's hands are like this." "Neat," you comment mildly. "I guess," the pirate replies. "Well, now you know." "I had no idea you were aliens," you mumble, still astonished. "I only know about humans and other earth creatures. I have very little information on Neptune in my database." You coax them into telling you more about their planet and you carefully store all of the new data. Apparently humans had just recently begun peaceful trade negotiations with the Neptunians, who all happen to look exactly like humans except they all have at least one hand that's just a fish. Biology is fascinating. Time flies when you're talking to aliens and soon the journey is near its end. With about a week remaining, the crew exits stasis to prepare. They wake up and stumble to the control room sleepily, where they find you and the pirates chatting pleasantly over a game of space Monopoly. [[Realize you have some explaining to do.]]