<center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/gcg8i95rngcneer/IMG_0365.png?raw=1" alt="teddy bear" width=100pxls> </center>
In our back garden, there was a hole in the fence. I could see it from my bedroom window, over the tops of the dusty teddy bears that sat like sentinels on the window sill. The hole was small, barely visible, hidden by the overgrown plants and weeds that crept into our garden from the expansive, looming fields behind our house. On sunny mornings, light would pierce the crack in the bedroom curtain, highlighting the dust above my sentinel's heads that drifted like lazy insects on a hot day. It cast jagged patterns on the wall above my head as I lay in bed. An enticement that slipped into my room every morning before disappearing behind the gathering of densely patterned curtain fabric.
The temptation to crawl through that hole ricocheted through me like the insects that bounced against the kitchen windows. Uncontrollable, almost. As a kid I'd wanted to be Nancy Blackett captaining the Amazon or Alice falling down the rabbit hole. But I never got given a dinghy to sail and I never followed a white rabbit.
<center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/3foxl4i02gjq9lz/rabbit-30701_1280%20copy.png?raw=1" alt="white rabbit" width=200pxls></center>
I was an awkward thirteen year old. I was bony and tall and my hair fell in a wild, untameable lion's mane around my head. So crawling through the hole in the fence wasn't as easy as I had expected it to be. My lanky frame clicked and groaned and protested as I huddled down to my knees on the garden floor and the weeds that were tangled in the fencing leaned imposingly over me like angry parents. The loose hanging wires caught in my curls and on the wrinkles of my clothes as though pulling me back into the garden but I fought back, even as the brambles left resentful scratches on my exposed skin. I felt imprints of the dead twigs and dried leaves press themselves into my arms as I crawled and my nose was tickled by long forgotten cobwebs.
When I rose to my feet on the other side I was covered in foreign green stains and my hair was knitted with sticky-jacks. But the field stretching out before me was long, seemingly endless, and the sunlight was reflecting off wheat stems to cast a warm glow over the landscape, as though it had been drizzled with thick, orange honey. I peeled off the leaves that had been pressed into my arms like old plasters and wiped with half-hearted irritation at the mud splotches on my dress. The clatter of change in my pocket reverberated through my fingers as I felt around the outline of what could only be a £1 coin.
[[Go to the shop.->The Shop]]
[[Go to the school.->The School]]
(if: (history:) contains "Swim")[I shivered as I walked along the main road. My hands were wrapped around my waist and my dress dripped a wet trail on the concrete path to track my route back to the river. The goosebumps on my bare arms rose like blooming flowers and my clothes stuck to my body like cling film. I hurried, ignoring the harsh wind as it aggravated my cold skin until I reached the door of Spar.](else:)[I fumbled with the pound in my pocket, rolling it over and under my fingers in the thin fabric as I walked. The roads were quiet, with only the occasional car or bus driving by, sending a rush of chilly air over me. As I walked past the paper shop the owner, Elaine, waved from inside. I used to work there, delivering papers to people who were too old or too busy to pick them up themselves, but I got too lazy to get up at six thirty every morning to deliver them. Mum said it was because of hormones. I carried on walking, imagining the paper bag slung across my shoulders, until I reached the doors to the Spar.]
The bell let out a mechanical jingle as I entered. There was a 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' sign on the floor(if: (history:) contains "Swim")[ and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. It definitely would be wet after I walked over it.](else:)[, I manoeuvred around it, ignoring my slight stumble as I hurried to scoot around the yellow plastic stand.] I went straight to the sweet aisle and pulled the pound out of my pocket. It was cold and the feeling of the metal lingered on my palms. I grabbed a Freddo and a bar of Dairy Milk and headed to the till.
I had always had a crush on the cashier. His name was Ben but everyone called him Stilton. He was in sixth form and he was tall and he listened to rock music. He liked to joke around with me because I came in so often and my friends had a running joke that I embarrassed myself everytime I talked to him. I joined the queue, (if: (history:) contains "Swim")[trying my best to wipe away the dribbles of river water in my hairline.] (else:)[peering up at the rows of foreign looking alcohol in the aisle as I waited.]
Stilton smiled at me from behind the counter, he was serving an old lady who was paying for her entire shop in coins. He pulled each one off the counter as he counted them and dropped them into his palm. She watched him do it with a rickety hand clutching firmly to the edge of the counter. I was next in line and as I watched, I repeated over and over, *don't say anything stupid*.
The lady walked away, her shopping bag shaking from the strength of her tremor, and Stilton turned to me.
'All right, you?' he asked.
'Yeah,' I said and dropped the two bars on the desk.
'A freddo? A classic,' he said as he scanned it through. 'Remember when they used to be fifteen p?'
'Yeah, and what a unique thing to say,' I said and immediately cringed at myself. Stilton raised his eyebrows and laughed.
'All right,' he punched some numbers in the till, 'that'll be 80p.'
'Here you go.' I gave him the money, making sure to drop it from a height so that my hand and his didn't touch, and he slotted the coin into its section of the till.
'I'm going to give you change entirely in five p's because that lady just gave me so many,' he said with a laugh, handing me back four coins. I took them and shoved them into my pocket, alongside the two bars of chocolate, they swayed loosely in the pocket and jingled loudly.
'Thanks,' I said, 'bye.'
I walked away from the counter, taking in a deep calming breath as I walked.
'Hey Jess, watch out for the-'
I walked into Shrek.
Next to the tills, hidden around a towering pile of Easter themed toys and sweets, there was a life-sized cardboard cut out of Shrek. He had a box full of Mini Eggs offered out in his hands. I collided with him and the eggs went flying, cascading through the entrance of the Spar as though it were snowing. They rolled across the linoleum floor and spread like a blown dandelion puff, sliding out of the door and onto the street.
'I am so sorry,' I said, feeling my cheeks turn bright. I bent down to pick up some of the eggs that had gathered at my shoe, but leaning made my change come tumbling out of my pocket to join the fray.
Stilton was laughing so hard that he had folded against the till, his arms clutching at his stomach. 'It's all right,' he tried to say through wheezing laughter, 'I'll get the broom.'
'I'm so sorry!' I said again. I stood up and he waved me out the door.
'Go on, it's fine, I'll clean it up. The shop's dead anyway so it'll give me something to do.' He wiped his eyes.
'Well, so long as you're sure,' I said.
Stilton walked over and picked up the coins, he handed them back to me and nudged at my back to get me out of the door.
'Go on,' he said, 'get out. You can make it up to me by buying me a Freddo next time you're in.'
I walked out, still apologising as I went. I could feel the blush rising on my cheeks as I started to walk away, the heat coursing through my body had made the chocolate bars start to melt and they squelched in their packets like thick, chunky soup.
(if: (history:) contains "Swim")[As water continued to dribble off me and I stood, humiliated in the centre of town, I suddenly didn't feel much like running around.] (else:)[I was humiliated.] I wanted to go home. I wanted my bed.
[[Go home.->Home]]
I set off, swatting at the long wheat stems that were almost as tall as me. I trudged heavily through the field, ignoring the well-worn path because going straight through was quicker, especially if you were skinny and could slip between the stalks.
<center> <img src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/rsgeo1f9859rj7b/IMG_0359%20%281%29.png?raw=1" alt="wheat" width=150pxls> </center>
My aim was the far end of the honey dripped field, where a corroded rail separated this field from the school sports one. If I sucked my stomach in, it was possible to slip in between the gap in the rail. Then it was just a simple shimmy between the burly evergreens that lined the old playing field like a rally of supporters at a football game.
I broke into a run when I got to the school. Not for a particular reason. The wind was rushing through my hair, my dress billowing around my knees, my cheeks being pulled back from my face as I ran and laughed and tripped over, scraping my bare knees on the ground. I rolled onto my back, lying with arms and legs splayed and watching wisps of thin clouds drift over the sky.
‘You all right there, Jess?’
I peered over the bridge of my nose. There were legs. Long ones, covered in hair and mud. A hand with grime filled nails was holding a tennis racket.
‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ I said to whoever-it-was, refusing to lift myself up to see them.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Nothing much, just lying here.’
‘You’re in the middle of the cricket thing, what if someone wants to play?’ whoever-it-was sat down next to me. I heard the soft crunching of the dry mud and the bristle of grass under their feet as they moved to my side, followed by a harsh crack as their knee clicked bending down. I lolled my head to the side to see them.
‘No-one ever plays cricket here, Toby,’ I replied and he nodded with a wry smile and a small snort.
‘Yeah but they might.’
‘Then why are you sitting here?’ I asked, raising myself on my elbows and looking up at him from behind a veil of knotted curls.
‘I don’t know,’ he said, leaning his head on his knees, ‘if you’re already here then what’s one more person?’
I smiled at him and prodded the tennis racket.
‘Are you going to the tennis courts?’ I asked.
‘Yeah, supposed to be meeting Carl up there but he called and said he’s stopping at Spar so he’s going to be late.’
I nodded and said ‘fair enough,’ before sitting up reluctantly, crossing my legs and gathering the pleats of my dress in my lap.
‘You’ve got grass in your hair,’ Toby said. He went to pull some out but stopped halfway there, his hand suspended between us like a low-hanging chandelier.
‘Oh, where?’ I replied, patting at my head. Toby leaned over, his own blonde hair falling over his face as he did, he grabbed at the grass caught in my frizz and started trying to pull it out, ‘Okay, ow.’
His hands swiftly untangled from my hair, ‘Sorry!’
‘It’s fine.’
We sat in silence for a while. I leaned my head back and watched as the clouds continued to float past, swaying in uniform disarray along the skyline.
‘Do you want to play tennis?’ he asked, jostling my knee with his.
‘I don’t have a racket.’
‘I do.’
‘Fine, give it to me,’ I said, making a grab for the tennis racket that was laying between us with a sudden laugh.
‘Hey!’ he caught hold of the frame, his fingers weaving with the strings as I caught the handle. He laughed as he pulled the racket out of my grip, falling on his back and lying with it clutched tight to his chest, his stomach rising and falling in jagged breaths as he snorted heavily.
==>
<img src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/e4o8z4jhat9q7z8/one%20heart.png?raw=1" alt="one heart" width=50pxls>
<==
I poked at him with the end of my shoe, leaving a muddy spot on the side of his t-shirt.
‘You could at least walk up to the tennis courts with me, even if you can’t play,’ he said.
‘Okay,’ I replied, and stood up, dusting off the back of my dress. He stood up as well. But, before he'd even had a chance to stretch his limbs, he stopped and started waving to the end of the field I’d arrived from. I turned and saw Ben running towards us.
‘Hey!’ Toby cried, waving his hands above his head like someone helping a plane land.
‘Hi, I’m here!’ Carl yelled back. When he arrived in front of us he was panting, his hair slicked to his forehead with beads of sweat, ‘You ready for tennis?’ he asked.
Toby nodded and slapped him on the shoulder, Carl nodded at me in greeting and started to walk towards the tennis courts.
Toby went to follow him but hesitated, he turned back to me.
‘You coming Jess?’
[[‘Yes.’->The Tennis Courts]]
[[‘No.’->Where Now?]]
The river was long. It divided the village in two. In the winter, school children were advised to avoid walking near it on their way to and from school as the current would creep up the bank, threatening to overflow and spill over the worn path like water down a drainpipe.
(if: (history:) contains "Where Now?")[I didn't feel good walking away from Toby, my stomach knotted and I couldn't stop my eyebrows from twisting together as I walked. My nervous habit had always been biting my lips and as I swiped my tongue over the inside of my mouth, I could feel the imprint of teeth marks.] (else:)[Butterflies swirled in my stomach as I walked. I shimmied through the loose wires that separated the walkway from the school, feeling the snags of the metal on my clothes, but even that couldn't stop my smile. *Toby had noticed me.*]
Getting to the river didn’t take that long. The walk was scenic, peppered in farm animals and parents helping young children jump over puddles. The burly crowd of trees surrounding the school stretched out towards the river, hiding the sun behind a thick blanket of dark green leaves that only thinned as the river clearing got closer. I walked quickly.
The current was fast today. At the clearing, the sunlight reflected off dips and crashes of the rushing current, casting a dancing mirage on the surrounding trees. The pebbles under foot slid and crunched with each step. I sat down, ignoring the harsh dig of the jagged rocks on my thighs as I did. I ran my hands through the pebbles. They were smooth. Some felt soft, as though I could squish them like gummy sweets, while others had small holes punctured into the surface that vibrated across my fingers. There wasn't much to do on the bank so I decided to
[[swim in the river.->Swim]]
[[leave.->Home]]
Toby smiled.<img src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/ubplwpipoj2349q/smile%20%281%29.png?raw=1" alt="smile" width=50pxls>
‘Cool,’ he said. He grabbed the bottom of Carl’s t-shirt, halting his walk, ‘Jess is coming with us.’
Carl looked over to me, his eyebrows knitted together in an unimpressed frown.
‘You don’t have a racket.’
‘She can keep score,’ Toby replied.
‘Do you want to keep score?’ Carl asked.
‘Yeah, sure.’
Toby smiled in relief as Carl carried on walking.
At the tennis court, Carl and Toby got set up. I sat cross legged at the edge of the court. Toby took the side closer to me, he took his wallet and phone out his pocket and placed them next to me. His long, blonde hair brushed over my shoulder as he bent down. Carl stood on the far side, the bottom half of his body obscured by the thick netting that divided him from us. He was arched forward, his racket poised to serve. His free hand was tapping impatiently on his side.
‘You ready?’ Toby called to him.
==>
<img src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/qc0p4iorccd694i/tennis-ball-14436426971cX.png?raw=1" alt="tennis" width=100pxls>
<==
Carl didn’t reply. He threw the tennis ball high, his racket following after it in a wide, wheeling arch. They connected with a satisfying thunk and the ball came sailing in my direction.
‘Whoa,’ Toby called as he hit it back, narrowly avoiding my face with his racket. I slid back to a safe distance while the ball was on the other side of the court.
‘Sorry Jess,’ he said.
‘Yeah, sorry,’ Carl called.
I laughed it off and waved a dismissive hand in their direction.
The game was short, Carl had more control of his hits; he would send the ball to the back of the court and then barely tap it so that Toby was running to catch it every time. By the end of the game, Toby had tied his hair in a knot of the top of his head, the blonde turning to a dusty ash as he started to build up a sweat, and he had rolled the sleeves of his t-shirt up like a vest.
Carl pulled two Lucozades out of his bag and handed one to Toby as they came and sat down by me. Toby took a long drink of his, I watched his Adam’s apple rise and fall with each gulp. When he finished, he wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and offered the bottle to me.
‘No thanks, my mum doesn’t let me drink energy drinks,’ I said and Carl rolled his eyes.
‘Lucozade isn’t an energy drink, it’s a sports drink,’ he objected.
‘What’s the difference?’ I asked.
Toby took another long drink before saying, ‘Energy drinks are just a load of sugar, sports drink are a load of sugar that you drink because you’re doing sports.’
Carl groaned. I laughed. Toby had a smug smile plastered on his face.
‘Hey so, me and Carl are going to catch the bus into town this afternoon, do you want to come?’
I blushed instinctively before remembering that the only money I had was a £1 coin. The bus cost £4 at least to get from the village to town.
‘I’d love to but I can’t, I don’t have any money on me.’
‘Well that’s no problem, we can stop at your house on the way,’ Toby replied. He put his hand on my knee.
‘She said she can’t, stop pushing it,’ Carl interjected, his eyes were fixed Toby's hand.
‘Sorry,’ I said.
[[‘Another time, maybe?’->Future Date]]
[[Say nothing else->No Future Date]]
'No thanks, I won't disturb you guys.'
Toby frowned, 'You wouldn't be, are you sure?'
'Yeah I'm sure, have a good game,' I said, I smiled as Carl gave an appreciative nod over Toby's shoulder to me. Toby's smile lingered before he started to catch up to Carl. He waved over his shoulder.
'Bye,' he called.
'Bye.'
Where to now?
[[The river.->The River]]
[[The shop.->The Shop]]
Toby grinned wide, the dimples in his cheeks so deep they looked like the hollows of teaspoons.
‘Cool,’ he said.
Carl sighed and stood up. He picked up his half full Lucozade bottle and Toby’s empty one and stuffed them into his bag before walking around the court, inspecting every line and ridge of it to make sure he left nothing behind. Toby removed his hand from my leg, put his wallet and phone back in his pocket and stood reluctantly, groaning as he did.
'I think this is Carl's way of telling me it's time to go,' he said, looking down at me with a small smile and a shrug, 'you sure you don't want us to walk you home?'
'No thanks, I'm going to stay out a while longer,' I replied.
Toby nodded and walked over to Carl, who was waiting at the entrance to the tennis courts, one foot tapping on the wire fence.
'See you round,' he called when Toby caught up to him.
<img src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/e4o8z4jhat9q7z8/one%20heart.png?raw=1" alt="one heart" width=50pxls>'Bye Jess, have a good weekend,' Toby said with a wave.
'Have a good time,' I said to them both as they started to walk from the courts.
I stayed sitting on the loose gravel floor until they were completely out of sight, before I decided to
[[ go to the shop.->The Shop]]
[[go to the river.->The River]]
A long silence ensued before Carl stood up and started packing his things away. He walked completely around the court, inspecting every line and ridge of it to make sure he left nothing behind. Toby removed his hand from my leg, put his wallet and phone back in his pocket and stood reluctantly, groaning as he did.
'I think this is Carl's way of telling me it's time to go,' he said, looking down at me with a small smile and a shrug, 'you sure you don't want us to walk you home?'
'No thanks, I'm going to stay out a while longer,' I replied.
Toby nodded and walked over to Carl, who was waiting at the entrance to the tennis courts, one foot tapping on the wire fence.
'See you round,' he called when Toby caught up to him.
'Bye Jess, have a good weekend,' Toby said with a wave.
'Have a good time,' I said to them both as they started to walk from the courts.
I stayed sitting on the loose gravel floor until they were completely out of sight, before I decided to
[[ go to the shop.->The Shop]]
[[go to the river.->The River]]
The rolling water, opaque with muck, was so alluring. When we were in primary school, everyone would come here on weekends to paddle, with towels and spare clothes stuffed in patched up backpacks. But everyone had grown out of that now.
I stood up, pausing half-way to wipe the moss and slime from the hem of my dress. Rocks clattered to the ground around me as they dislodged from my skin. I clicked my back, took off my shoes, and walked to the water’s edge.
I dipped a toe in. The cold shot through me like an electrocution. Downriver, a child and a dog splashed in the shallows, jumping around each other. The excited cries of the little girl fought the wind and the current to reach me, alone at the water’s edge.
<center><img src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/a2vfshy8tadwv1t/dog-30779_1280%20copy.png?raw=1" alt_"dog" width=200pxls></center>
My foot was numb but I placed it in the river, slotting my toes in between the loose stones and wet foliage growing under the water’s skin. (if: (history:) contains "Future Date")[Toby had always loved swimming. He was on the swimming team at school and he was always the first one in the water when all of us would trundle down to the river in summer. I decided to be more like him and plunged brazenly forward, letting the water engulf me.](else:)[I took tentative steps into the freezing water, swearing I felt shards of ice scrape against the sides of my legs. When the current hit the backs of my knees, they buckled under me and I fell forwards into the torrent.] The cold river swallowed my arms, ran slick over my hair and irritated the sensitive skin of my nose. I pushed my head above the surface, feeling my lungs shrink from the piercing chill. My dress was swaying around me like a life ring and I cringed at the feeling of the moss tickling the bottoms of my feet. (if: (history:) contains "Future Date")[I wondered how Toby had convinced all of us to do this when we were younger.](else:)[I wondered if the little girl down river was as freezing cold as I was.]
Goosebumps had risen on my skin. If my friends had been here we would have rode the current to the next pebble bank but I didn't want to get in the way of the girl and her dog. They were having so much fun. I stood in the middle of the river, my wet hair dribbling over my face and down the contours of my arms, my body tingling from the cold.
I walked out of the river again, my dress clung heavily to me. The breeze hitting against the cold water that was running down face felt like ice water after toothpaste. I held my arms to my chest, shivering as the trees around me whispered disapprovingly to one another. I sat down, pulling my knees under my chin and ignoring the chatter of my teeth. The laughter of the little girl and the excited squeals of the dog as it leaped around her sounded distant, now unable to fight the current to reach me. My skin and dress and hair dripped on the rocks, forming a human shaped puddle. Swimming wasn't the same when you had no-one else around to feel the cold with you.
[[I wanted to go home.->Home]]
[[I wanted chocolate. ->The Shop]]
'And where have you been?' Mum asked as I walked in. She was washing up in the kitchen, the mid afternoon sun that shone in through the large window reflecting off the blue highlights in her short hair. She wasn't looking at me, instead she was gazing out on the garden, unfazed by my sudden appearance.
'I just went out,' I said.
'You should let me know before you leave the house, you know? I trust you to be safe; you're not daft, I just like to know where you are in case of an emergency.'
'Sorry mum,' I said. (if: (history:) contains "The Shop")[I hesitated for a second before asking, 'Would you like a bar of chocolate?'
Mum smiled and shook her head, 'That's yours, sweetheart,' she said.] (else:)[I shuffled on the spot, trying to swipe away some of the puddle that was forming at my feet. Mum noticed but didn't comment.]
'I'm going to my room now,' I said.
Mum nodded slowly, wiping rhythmic splashes of water over the face of a shining china plate, 'Don't run off again, okay?'
'Okay.'
I walked upstairs, my feet heavy from walking. The setting sun that reflected off the metal of the hole in the fence was casting patterns onto the wall again. They looked like teeth. I pulled my curtains closed and got into bed, hiding underneath the blue patterned fabric until it turned dark and cave-like from my tented legs. My breath was heavy under the restrictive covers but I didn't come out, letting the air turn hot from the condensation until my skin was pricked with beads of my wet breath.
I stayed under my duvets and cried until my mum called me down for dinner, then I pushed the duvet away, wiped my eyes on the corner of the blue patterned fabric and walked downstairs.
[[The End]]
Thank you for taking the time to play this game! It really means a lot. See you around!
<center> <img src="https://www.dropbox.com/s/3jeyzjm3dbrs58w/female-2027484%20copy.png?raw=1" alt="me" width=300pxl> </center>
By Jess Johnson