6105: One Day in the Marine Corps

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Your phone alarm goes off. It's 0400, and there's a unit hike at 0500. [[Get out of bed.]] [[Continue sleeping.]]

You answer the phone. It's Corporal Morgan. He's pissed. He asks, "You tracking we're hiking in 15 minutes? Where the fuck are you?" What do you reply? [["Obviously not there."][$smartass to true]] [["Obviously not there, dumbass."]] [["I'm on my way there, Corporal." (Truth)]] [["I'm on my way there, Corporal." (Lie)]] [["Fuck you."]] [["Fuck you." (hang up)]] [[Hang up.]]

Not my problem. GOOD ENDING You continue sleeping and nothing bad ever happens to you ever again. [[Restart]]

You get out of bed. Joy. Your roommate is clearly awake but doesn't move, an ancient ritual used by Marines to indicate you get to shower and shave first. But about the shave part, do you really feel like shaving today? [[Shave.][$shave to true]] [[Don't shave.][$shave to false]]

You choose to continue sleeping. Your roommate leaves without you. Good. You get some of the best sleep of your life. But at 0445, you get a phone call. [[Answer it.]] [[Don't answer it.]]

<<if $fuckoffagain is true>>You tell Corporal Morgan to go fuck himself, again. "I'm sending someone over," says Corporal Morgan, "and I'm hanging up now." He hangs up. You appreciate him hanging up first. Usually he likes to lecture using personal stories which never seem to have any point. Anyway, he was definitely being serious about sending someone over here to get you, since you've had to do it yourself for the resident barracks alcoholic, Private Mark, a while ago (like three days). Now you're not sure whether to stay here and face whoever shows up, or leave and find something to do while Corporal Morgan settles down and forgets this ever happened. [[Stay and wait.]] [[Go to the chow hall.]] [[Go to the gym.]]<<else>>You tell Corporal Morgan to go fuck himself. Corporal Morgan sighs, and says, "Listen, you're tired and hungover. So am I. So are the rest of us. Can you please just get here so I don't have to pretend to get upset and send someone over to get you?" [["No."][$fuckoffagain to true]] [['"Fuck you."'|fuckyou4]] [["Fuck you." (hang up)]]<</if>>

<<set $imagination to true>>You tell Corporal Morgan to go fuck himself, and hang up before he can respond. You feel really, really good about yourself. You're awake, and don't feel like going back to sleep. You have the morning free now that you're not going to this hike or whatever. You have endless possibilities of where to go. Whatever you can imagine, you can do. [[Go to the chow hall.]] [[Go to the gym.]]

Corporal Morgan says, "Being a smartass, huh? We'll talk about this when you get here. You are coming, right?" [["No."]] [["I'm on my way there, Corporal." (Truth)]] [["I'm on my way there, Corporal." (Lie)]] [["Fuck you."]] [["Fuck you." (hang up)]]

Corporal Morgan is silent. As a boot corporal, he's never received such vitriol, and none of his training has told him how to react. [[Wait for him to say something.]] [[Hang up.]] [["If you have nothing else to say, I'm hanging up." (hang up)]]

"Why not?" <<set $mcmap to false>><<set $sapr to false>><<set $mandofun to false>><<set $prime4life to false>> [["I'm on duty."]] [["I'm on range."]] [["I have to practice for the birthday ball tonight."]] [["I have a promotion panel."]] [["I have MCMAP."][$mcmap to true]] [["I have a piss test."]] [["I have SAPR."][$sapr to true]] [["I have to teach a class."][$prime4life to true]] [["I have to go to a mando fun event."][$mandofun to true]] [["Fuck you."]]

<<set $fuckyouagain to 0>>"Do you have something else to do today? I don't want to see you, but I need a reason you're not here so gunny doesn't destroy me." <<set $mcmap to false>><<set $sapr to false>><<set $mandofun to false>><<set $prime4life to false>> [["I'm on duty."]] [["I'm on range."]] [["I have to practice for the birthday ball tonight."]] [["I have a promotion panel."]] [["I have MCMAP."][$mcmap to true]] [["I have a piss test."]] [["I have SAPR."][$sapr to true]] [["I have to teach a class."][$prime4life to true]] [["I have to go to a mando fun event."][$mandofun to true]] [['"Fuck you."'|gunnyfairy]]

<<set $imagination to true>>You hang up on Corporal Morgan. You feel really good about yourself. You're awake, and don't feel like going back to sleep. You have the morning free to skate now that you're not going to this hike or whatever. [[Go to the chow hall.]] [[Go to the gym.]]

Getting put on blast for not shaving is not worth it. Not today. You finish shaving and showering. You exit the bathroom and see your roommate has woken up and was waiting for you to finish. "Sup," says your roommate, before he heads into the bathroom. He used to talk endlessly before you had to tell him to stop. He's a nice enough guy. He likes to sleep with the lights on and in his uniform. At least he sleeps early. But that's usually because he blacks out drinking almost every night. At least he keeps to himself. You didn't pack your gear for the hike last night, so you have to do it now. [[Follow the packing list.|pack][$pack to true]] [[Pack whatever you want.|pack][$pack to false]]

You're already waking up at the ass crack of dawn for this hike, you can't be expected to shave as well. You finish showering. You exit the bathroom and see your roommate has woken up and was waiting for you to finish. "Sup," says your roommate, before he heads into the bathroom. He notices your shave, your lack of one, but doesn't say anything. This kind of annoys you but you don't say anything. He used to talk endlessly before you had to tell him to stop. He's a nice enough guy. He likes to sleep with the lights on and in his uniform, boots and all. At least he sleeps early. But that's usually because he blacks out drinking almost every night. At least he keeps to himself. You didn't pack your gear for the hike last night, so you have to do it now. [[Follow the packing list.|pack][$pack to true]] [[Pack whatever you want.|pack][$pack to false]]

<<if $pack is true>>You follow the packing list and now your pack is loaded with only the most useless shit gear imaginable. And it's heavy. Why do we need a rape whistle during a hike? <<else>>You choose to pack whatever you want, which is nothing. Hopefully no one notices or, more realistically, no one cares. <</if>> You get dressed. You're not hungry, but the packing list said to bring a water source. What is your source of hydration? [[None.|leavehike][$hydration to "none"]] [[Water.|leavehike][$hydration to "water"]] [[Water with pre-workout mixed in.|leavehike][$hydration to "preworkout"]] <<linkreplace "Check the fridge.">>The fridge has [[beer|beeroption][$hydration to "beer"]], two-day-old Domino's, Ooda Loops cereal, [[milk|leavehike][$hydration to "milk"]], crayons, [[cola|leavehike][$hydration to "cola"]], Tide Pods, and <<linkreplace "glue.">>glue (glue is not edible).<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>

<<if $hydration is "none">>You've never drank a single drop of water during any physical training event in the Marine Corps, and you're not about to start now. <<elseif $hydration is "water">>"Hydrate or die," you mutter to yourself. It's a marketing slogan for water. <<elseif $hydration is "cola">>You take the cola. It's basically water with flavor. <<elseif $hydration is "preworkout">>You mix pre-workout into your water. This should keep you awake for the hike. You'll probably be the only one. <<elseif $hydration is "milk">>You take the milk carton. Bold move. <<elseif $beervisible is true>>You're now carrying a beer bottle, with beer in it. Good luck. <<elseif $beervisible is false>>You've covertly hidden alcohol in a CamelBak for a morning hike. Good for you. <<elseif $cola is true>>You grab the cola soda bottle. It's barely cold, since there's an ice block in the freezer blocking the fridge fan which you've been too lazy to thaw. <</if>> You're ready to leave. [[Wait for your roommate.]] [[Leave immediately.|leaveforhike]]

<<set $walkordrive to "walk">><<set $shitbag to true>><<set $pack to false>><<set $shave to false>><<set $hydration to "none">><<set $shower to false>>You do the "right" thing and decide to go to the hike. <<if $smartass is true>>At least you got to annoy him as usual (this time on purpose).<</if>> You can hear Corporal Morgan frowning through the phone when he says, "Good to go. Now hurry up, shitbag." He hangs up. You have little time to get ready. You're unshaven, smell like beer and piss, and don't have your gear ready. Worst of all (worse than the smelling like piss thing), you don't know where your car key is. [[Fugg.|fuck4]]

<<set $imagination to true>>"Rah. Hurry up," he says before hanging up. Nice, he bought it. Why would he ever believe you in the first place? You've been lying since MEPS. Now that you have the morning free, you might as well do something productive. [[Go to the chow hall.]] [[Go to the gym.]]

You decide to wait and leave with your roommate, since it's boring to walk to the hike alone. You wait for him to finish up in the bathroom. You wait. [[...]]

Are you taking the bottle, or pouring the beer into a CamelBak? [[Hide the beer in a CamelBak, of course.|leavehike][$beervisible to false]] [[Fuck it. Carry the bottle with you.|leavehike][$beervisible to true]]

He's taking way too long. How is he taking so long? You don't even hear him doing anything. What the fuck. You knock on the door and ask if he's ready to leave. He says nothing. [[Knock harder. Something's up.]] [[Leave without him.|leaveforhike]]

You leave without your <<linkreplace "roommate.">>roommate. This is the guy who you've started keeping a tracker of how often he wastes his paycheck ordering pizza. It's averaged out to a bit higher than every other day as of right now. You once had the great displeasure of hearing him on the phone with his mother and extended family for two and a half hours, and when they asked him about what their little big man was eating, he said, "I got some chicken wings from Domino's, so I got some protein." Then he said he gets his vitamins from the 7 dollar Vitamin Waters from Domino's as well.<</linkreplace>> You're standing outside your barracks room, which is on the first floor, wearing <<if $pack is true>>your loaded pack<<else>>your pack with no gear<</if>>, and <<if $hydration is "beer">>carrying a beer bottle<<elseif $hydration is "none">>no hydration source<<elseif $hydration is "water">>a water bottle<<elseif $hydration is "preworkout">>a water bottle with pre-workout mixed in<<elseif $hydration is "milk">>carrying a milk carton<<elseif $hydration is "cola">>carrying a bottle of sodie pop<</if>>. You're a beautiful boot, ready to hike. You have a little bit of extra time if you walk, and a good amount of time if you drive. [[Walk.][$walkordrive to "walk"]] [[Drive.][$walkordrive to "drive"]]

You start pounding the door. If he doesn't want to walk with you, that's fine, but for him to give you the silent treatment? After this fucker tries to talk to you for three hours a night? Okay. You keep knocking but nothing happens. The door's locked. You can't take this, and you start pleading with him. "Are you masturbating? Just tell me. It's not a big deal," you say. You hear him say something, but it's muffled. "What did you say?" you ask. "Go away," he says. Have you had enough? [[Break through the door.]] [[Leave.|leaveforhike]]

You barge through the door. You find your roommate trying to hide every possible banned barracks item you could think of, plus unidentified trinkets and powders of a likely criminal nature. BAD ENDING You die. Your roommate was trying to hide what he thought was a Dead Hooker, but it's actually an even rarer Alive Hooker. She screams and stabs the both of you with a lipstick knife (a pretty cool weapon, you think, before that thought gets stabbed in half). You're bleeding, but you're still alive. You hunch over in pain. The Alive Hooker jumps out the window, never to be seen again. You look at your roommate, who starts to apologize, when you realize there are two other people standing in the bathroom. "Oh, them. I smuggled them last night. They said they'd pay me 50 bucks. I was already heading back to base so it made sense. Please don't tell Corporal Morgan." Before you can even process this, you hear a whirring noise. It's a hot plate. In a barracks room. Before any first sergeant can intervene, the hot plate quickly heats up and begins to incinerate everyone, and everything, in the room. You die. You're melted. So is the Xbox you promised to leave to your friend from boot camp when you died. So you died for nothing. Good job. Idiot. Even worse, the heat didn't melt the ice in your freezer, or incinerate the trash in your trash can, so you're still failing field day. [[Restart]]

"You're on duty today? I don't know how I feel about trusting you to watch the barracks..." He laughs. You don't. "...but if you're on the roster, you're on the roster. Enjoy." He hangs up. Yes, if you're on the roster, you're on the roster. No shit. You start getting ready for duty. Secretly, you think most people enjoy it, since they're away from work for the day and just have to sit around, play video games, eat snacks, and pretend to watch the barracks. But people seem to complain about it, though Marines complain about everything, even complaining. The sleep shift does suck, though, especially since your unit makes you come to work despite getting barely enough sleep to function. Wonder how many accidents have been caused by this... You also dislike the roster system, since the people putting it together seem to always fuck it up, always, despite having all the information available to not fuck it up. Maybe they do it on purpose. You probably would. [[Shower, shave, get dressed, and report for duty.]]

Corporal Morgan must not have remembered. Again. "Fuck, I forgot you're on that. Sorry for waking you up." He hangs up. [[Shower, shave, get dressed, practice, get replaced because you suck at drill, and sit down for the ceremony.]]

"No you don't. I'm the only MCMAP instructor here, remember?" You forgot. Maybe if Corporal Morgan didn't find every excuse to not have to teach martial arts, you'd know that. You need another excuse. [["I'm on duty."]] [["I'm on range."]] [["I have to practice for the birthday ball tonight."]] [["I have a promotion panel."]] [["I have a piss test."]]<<if $sapr is false>> [["I have SAPR."][$sapr to true]]<</if>><<if $prime4life is false>> [["I have to teach a class."][$prime4life to true]]<</if>><<if $mandofun is false>> [["I have to go to a mando fun event."][$mandofun to true]]<</if>> [["Fuck you."]]

"Range? HA, get fucked. Get to the armory ASAP, you're probably late." He hangs up. It's that time of year again. Well, that time of every other year. You didn't shoot last year, so you don't understand how this is supposed to be an annual requirement if you weren't punished for skating out of shooting. Anyway, he's right about being late, but considering everything regarding range is gunny timed 15 minutes prior to 15 minutes prior at least 5 times, you're probably still on-time. It's called gunny time even though every rank above you seems to do it. Okay. [[Shower, shave, get dressed, grab your flak/kevlar/magazines/rifle sling/eyepro/defective 3M earpro, and get to the armory.]]

You hang up. GOOD ENDING Your actions are legendary (for the next 72 hours) until everyone moves on. [[Restart]]

You decide to walk. With your <<if $pack is true>>heavy ass pack, the walk will be rough, but not that far.<<else>>empty pack, the walk will be pretty easy. Good thinking.<</if>> You start walking and come to the end of the hallway. You see a barracks room with an open door, a staircase, and The Hill to Die On where the hike is forming up. [[Look inside the barracks room.]] <<linkreplace "Go upstairs.">>On the second and third floor, there's more Marines. So nothing of value.<</linkreplace>> [[Start walking to the hike.|thehike]]

You head for the parking lot. The car you drive is a: [[Chevy Camaro|parkinglot][$mycar to "Chevy Camaro"]] [[Chevy Malibu|parkinglot][$mycar to "Chevy Malibu"]] [[Chevy Silverado 1500|parkinglot][$mycar to "Chevy Silverado 1500"]] [[Dodge Charger|parkinglot][$mycar to "Dodge Charger"]] [[Dodge Ram 1500|parkinglot][$mycar to "Dodge Ram 1500"]] [[Ford F-150|parkinglot][$mycar to "Ford F-150"]] [[Ford Mustang|parkinglot][$mycar to "Ford Mustang"]] [[Honda Accord|parkinglot][$mycar to "Honda Accord"]] [[Honda Civic|parkinglot][$mycar to "Honda Civic"]] [[Hyundai Elantra|parkinglot][$mycar to "Hyundai Elantra"]] [[Jeep Wrangler|parkinglot][$mycar to "Jeep Wrangler"]] [[Subaru Outback|parkinglot][$mycar to "Subaru Outback"]] [[Toyota Camry|parkinglot][$mycar to "Toyota Camry"]] [[Toyota Tacoma|parkinglot][$mycar to "Toyota Tacoma"]]

Usually this New Guy leaves his door open to make sure people hear his shitty taste in music, but it's never been open this early, and there's no music playing now. You look inside and see the lights are on, but no one is inside. Something smells [[familiar|enter]].

Something is very familiar indeed. This is the holy Mecca of boot shit. Every square inch of this room is filled with useless, expensive gear sold at the base store. The wall has a mounted tomahawk. It smells of Aqua Velva. There's an expensive plastic watch still in its case. You see boot socks inside of sneakers, and boot bands next to blue jeans. On the floor are unopened tubs of overpriced dudebro brand protein powder with dust on top of them. Hanging on the wall is a cowboy hat and a pocket pussy. And you're pretty sure this guy doesn't even have a car. It's enough to make you sick. In fact, it does make you sick. If you don't leave this room right now, you're probably going to die. You have no reason to stay. [[Leave the room.|thehike][$barracksboot to true]] [[Stay and accept your fate.]]

You want to leave, but you can't move. Your vision starts fading. You're near passing out when you hear the sound of a tile rattling. "Get in." You hear a voice yelling at you to get in. But get in what? Where? "Down here." You look at rattling tile. There's now an open hole in barracks room floor where the tile used to be, and there's ladder leading down to a black nothingness. "Get in or you die." You don't have much of a choice. [[Climb down the ladder.]]

<<linkreplace "You climb down the ladder.">><<linkreplace "You climb down the ladder.">><<linkreplace "You climb down the ladder.">>You finally reach the bottom of the ladder, and look around. You appear to be in a massive underground lab, with giant supercomputers, tunnels extending for miles, and young people in green lab coats. "You survived. Excellent." You look around for a voice but don't see anybody. "I'm in the monitor." You look at a screen to your left, which displays a young female Marine wearing BCGs and the same green lab coat as the other people down here. "Welcome, new member." [['"Member of what?"'|fuckyou3][$fuckyoulab to false]] [['"Fuck you."'|fuckyou3][$fuckyoulab to true]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>

<<if $fuckyoulab is true>>"Fuck you? she says, "We just saved your ass." "In any case, this is the Lance Corporal Underground, a joint project with the Private News Network, and you've passed the test. We are an organization dedicated to the betterment of lance corporals everywhere, and we do so by providing the most up-to-date word on random fucking formations, bullshit hike cancelations, and free food locations. You are our newest member. Asshole."<<else>>"This is the Lance Corporal Underground, a joint project with the Private News Network, and you've passed the test. We are an organization dedicated to the betterment of lance corporals everywhere, and we do so by providing the most up-to-date word on random fucking formations, bullshit hike cancelations, and free food locations. You are our newest member. Congratulations!"<</if>> GOOD ENDING You dedicate your life to making sure lance corporals get the word they need, when they need it, even if it's usually inaccurate. The pay isn't that much better, though... [[Restart]]

"You mean a urinalysis? Start drinking water." He hangs up. You like when people feel the need to use the proper name of something as if they're clarifying what's being talked about, even though doing so implies they DO know what's being talked about. It's common with old-timers whenever an acronym or some equipment changes. CIF? Oh, you mean IIF. That's back when it used to be called PISS, right? Anyway, you need to piss in a tiny bottle soon, so you better start chugging water. [[Chug water.|chugwater]] [[Don't chug water.|chugwater2]]

"You can tell me to go fuck myself as much as you'd like, but I'm still a corporal and you're a boot. <<if $fuckyouagain is 1>>I can do this all day."<<elseif $fuckyouagain is 2>>All day."<<elseif $fuckyouagain is 3>>I'm serious.<<elseif $fuckyouagain is 4>>Keep testing me.<<elseif $fuckyouagain gte 5>>Fuck you.<</if>> [['"Fuck you."'|gunnyfairy][$fuckyouagain to $fuckyouagain +1]] [["POG."]]

You call Corporal Morgan the most dreaded of slurs, the pword. It's an unforgivable act. BAD ENDING Corporal Morgan gives you a formal negative counseling, which goes into your record jacket and gets you non-rec'd for promotion. Which is a bunch of jargon for get fucked, essentially. You shred the negative counseling soon after, but the damage has already been done. You will always be a terminal lance. [[Restart]]

"Why didn't you tell me? I didn't even think you were up for promotion, and I haven't even inspected your chucks." You wonder if he knows that you haven't worn your uniform since checking in to this unit. You're not even sure if the right rank is on. He pauses, sighs, and says, "I just hope you know your uniform regulations. Well, good luck." Your uniform definitely has the wrong rank on. You could sew the right rank on, but you don't know how to sew. Kind of ironic we get issued a sewing kit. Implying. You're not going to pass this promotion panel without the right rank on. But you know your roommate's chucks has them... [[Steal your roommate's uniform.]]

<<if $rangeleave is true>>You'll take advantage of any excuse to not go to the range. <</if>><<if $imagination is true>>With your infinite imagination, you decide to head to the chow hall.<<else>>You decide to head to the chow hall.<</if>> It's called the chow hall even though the sign says it's called a mess hall, and you're pretty sure it's officially called a DFAC. You awkwardly wait on line. How are there this many people at 0500? And in uniform? You wonder how many people are here because they're getting fucked with the rest of the day, and how many are just psychopaths who enjoy getting here early. The nice lady out front is here today. Sometimes there's another lady who doesn't say anything when you greet her. You're about to walk inside when you notice a guy behind you who's kind of too far to really hold the door open for, but you're considering it. [[Walk inside.|chowhallenter][$holddoor to false]] [[Hold the door open.|chowhallenter][$holddoor to true]]

You tell Corporal Morgan to go fuck himself, again. "I'm sending someone over," says Corporal Morgan, "and I'm hanging up now." He hangs up. You appreciate him hanging up first. Usually he likes to lecture using personal stories which never seem to have any point. Anyway, he was definitely being serious about sending someone over here to get you, since you've had to do it yourself for the resident barracks alcoholic, Private Mark, a while ago (like three days). Now you're not sure whether to stay here and face whoever shows up, or leave and find something to do while Corporal Morgan settles down and forgets this ever happened. [[Stay and wait.]] [[Go to the chow hall.]] [[Go to the gym.]]

So this is what your ball ticket paid for. An auditorium at some fancy hotel, if your definition of fancy is going above a Motel 6 in quality. For some reason, your ball ticket comes with a gift, which doesn't make sense to you, since no one ever wants it, and we're technically paying for something no one asked for. This year's gift is a bottle opener. How original. At least it's a tomahawk, so it's kind of cool, if you're into that. You're not. You look around. Everyone's awkwardly hovering around their assigned tables. A few people have pre-gamed and are already looking pretty drunk/sloshed/schwasted/whatever. You wore a flask underneath your uniform last year, but you know how that turned out. There's a bar serving drinks, but staff & O rushed over as soon as it opened and you don't feel like waiting in line for overpriced drinks. You see the narrator take to the podium. She awkwardly tests the mic for way too long. She begins reading from a script. "Ladies and gentlemen. The ceremony will start in 5 minutes. Please [[take your seats]]."

You take your seat. You could barely understand the narrator. Why was she chosen if she can't even read off of a piece of paper? And she's been practicing? Fuck. "...a message from the Commandant of the Marine Corps." The narrator starts fiddling with the laptop on the podium. She's experiencing difficulties using Windows Media Player, which has been the same program since like the 90s. A staff sergeant comes to help her, and the video starts playing, albeit with an overlay taking your attention away from the video because neither of them are smart enough to just move the fucking mouse. Maybe they know they can move the mouse, but they think the moment has passed. It hasn't. Please do something. At least your teachers in school were boomers and had an excuse. Apparently this used to just be a letter before they started making these videos. You wonder if the videos or letters were longer or shorter. Now the audio doesn't work. No, nevermind, it does, but it's playing from the laptop speaker, so barely anyone can hear it. Isn't this hotel auditorium meant for events like this? [[The video ends.]]

"Please rise for our guest of honor." You rise. You see other Marines standing at attention and some at ease. You're not sure whose example to follow, since the higher ranks you're supposed to model yourself off of are also not consistent with how they're standing. [[Stand at attention.|standball][$attention to true]] [[Stand at ease.|standball][$attention to false]]

<<if $attention is true>>You stand at attention, since it's the most formal way to stand and you can't be wrong, even if you look goofy when it's not required.<<else>>You stand at ease, since it's uncomfortable to stand at attention if you don't know how long this old geezer of a guest of honor is going to speak for.<</if>> The guest of honor takes an inordinate amount of time speaking. You don't know why you even hoped otherwise. Finally, the canned speech ends. The band starts playing some music and you're now really unsure what to do. Shouldn't the narrator have said something? <<if $attention is true>>[[Continue standing at attention.|attention2]] [[Switch to standing at ease.|attention3][$attention to false]]<<else>>[[Switch to standing at attention.|attention3][$attention to true]] [[Continue to stand at ease.|attention3]]<</if>>

You pass out. BAD ENDING You were standing at attention for too long and locked out your knees. Worst of all, you didn't get any cake. [[Restart]]

<<if $attention is true>>You stand at attention, and a few people not standing at attention stare at you. Whatever.<<else>>You stand at ease. Standing at attention is for suckers.<</if>> The ceremony ends and everyone sits down. Dinner is served. You paid $55 for this food? It looks, tastes, and feels like a hockey puck. You might have to get food on the way back. Probably a drive-through. You're not sure if you've reached the point where you'll walk into a fast food place with no shame wearing your blues. You're done kvetching, and it's time to leave. You never stay after the ceremony. Do you [[wait]], and not be the first one to leave, or [[leave immediately]]?

You wait. Better to not get mauled by a motivated SNCO for not socializing. Some guy you've never seen before comes up to you. He looks greasy, kind of like your roommate when he goes on a Domino's binge. He screams, "Hey, remember me?" He has to scream because the hired DJ just started blasting terrible music. <<linkreplace "No, you don't remember him.">>No, you don't remember him. "Come on, from boot camp!" <<linkreplace "You still don't remember him.">>You still don't remember him. "Remember when we had to piss in the urinal together?" You remember DOING that, but not WITH HIM. Why would you remember him for that? "You... you don't... you don't remember m-me?" You start to tell him you really don't remember him, that you're sorry, and [[that...]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>

This year you're going to be the first one out, and no one can stop you. GOOD ENDING You leave with no issues because no one sane stays at the ball after the ceremony is over. [[Restart]]

Before you can explain yourself, you see a flash, a blur. You die. BAD ENDING Not content with being forgotten, left behind by his greatest of battle buddies, your old boot camp "friend" somehow goes Predator invisible, teleports behind you, and slices your throat with the tomahawk ball gift. If only you had been left of bang and on high alert, you could have stopped him. Did he have his uniform tailored so he could lift his arms like that without any tearing? Actually impressive. [[Restart]]

You arrive at duty. You get kicked back to your room because the duty NCO with you, Corporal Aidan, can handle sitting at a desk all day just fine by herself. [[Works for you.]]

"At 5 am, you have SAPR? Sexual Assault and whatever? I don't think so." Corporal Morgan is dumb, but not that dumb. Besides, SAPR always made you uncomfortable. There's always some Marine who thinks this is the time to ask and test the waters about age of consent laws. You need another excuse. [["I'm on duty."]] [["I'm on range."]] [["I have to practice for the birthday ball tonight."]] [["I have a promotion panel."]]<<if $mcmap is false>> [["I have MCMAP."][$mcmap to true]]<</if>> [["I have a piss test."]]<<if $prime4life is false>> [["I have to teach a class."][$prime4life to true]]<</if>><<if $mandofun is false>> [["I have to go to a mando fun event."][$mandofun to true]]<</if>> [["Fuck you."]]

<<set $patrol to false>>You fuck off for the entire day. It was amazing. The best. But Corporal Aidan needs to take her sleep shift, so now you have to go on duty. [[No you don't.|Go on duty.][$dutyasshole to true]] [[Go on duty.]]

<<if $dutyasshole is true>>Great, so you're that asshole? Hopefully the entire Marine Corps gets notified who you are. No, you're going to duty. Degenerate. <</if>>You head back to the duty desk and take your post. You have a long night ahead of you. There was a party earlier, but it somehow died down when quiet hours started. Quiet hours are usually never taken seriously or enforced, so this surprises you. This is the modern Marine Corps, so you can waste your time on your phone. What do you do to pass the time? [[Watch a pirated movie.][$watchedmovie to true]] [[Order Domino's.][$domino to true]] [[Read the monthly court-martials.][$courtmartials to true]] [[Actually do your job and patrol the barracks.][$patrol to true]]

You drive a $mycar. <<if $mycar is "Chevy Camaro" or "Dodge Charger" or "Ford Mustang">>It's fucking cool as fuck.<<elseif $mycar is "Chevy Malibu" or "Honda Accord" or "Honda Civic" or "Hyundai Elantra" or "Toyota Camry">>It's not from this decade, but it was cheap and affordable.<<elseif $mycar is "Jeep Wrangler">>Which makes you a weird Jeep owner.<<elseif $mycar is "Chevy Silverado 1500" or "Dodge Ram 1500" or "Ford F-150" or "Subaru Outback" or "Toyota Tacoma">>It makes you feel like a Big Man.<</if>> The car smells like greasy breakfast food and cigarettes. You don't know how the latter is possible, since no one has ever smoked in the car. Most of the car is filled with the rest of your issued gear which you've been too lazy to ever take out. [[Start driving to the hike.|thedrive]]

<<if $speeding is true>>You drift right into a parking spot near the hike start point. Fucking sweet. Fuck PMO. <<elseif $barracksboot is true>>You barely make it out alive. Fucking boots. You leave the room and start walking to the hike start point. <</if>>You've arrived. <<if $walkordrive is "walk">>You're a little tired from the walk but you'll be fine. <</if>>You can't see anyone you know, partially because it's an unorganized clusterfuck of everyone from the unit, but also because it's still dark and you can't see shit. Also, everyone's wearing the same uniform, the same G-Shock, and has the same exact hairstyle.<<if $shave is true>> At least they shaved. Shitbag.<</if>> You hear Corporal Morgan telling everyone under him to come and see him. [[Head over.]] [[Fuck off for a bit and hang out.]]

<<set $speeding to true>>Time to see what this $mycar can handle. You absolutely tear it down the road. Lights turn on and curtains open as Marines in barracks all over witness your incredible act (and try to figure out what's making so much noise). You do a couple donuts and get the urge to speed out of your system as you near the hike location. You'll never do anything so ridiculous ever again. [[Finish with a drift.|thehike]]

While driving, you have a sudden but inate urge as a Marine to [[speed|speeding]]. You want to [[speed|speeding]] despite having more than enough time to make it to the hike. But you, knowing that [[speeding|speeding]] is wrong, you know it's not worth it, and you don't even find [[speeding|speeding]] that enjoyable. It's not worth your career. To [[speed|speeding]]. You would never. [[Continue driving normally (boring) to the hike.|thehike]]

<<if $rangeleave is true>>You'll take advantage of any excuse to not go to the range. <</if>><<if $imagination is true>>With your infinite imagination, you decide to head to the gym.<<else>>You decide to head to the gym.<</if>> Your gym clothes have been in the bottom of your overflowing laundry hamper for a while, and you don't feel like wearing them and smelling yourself for an entire workout, so you head to the gym wearing green on green. You start walking to the gym. You take your normal path of cutting through the track and pull-up bar areas instead of going all the way around. You're not sure why they structured it like this, with the entrance not facing in the direction of the barracks. Peak planning. You pass by a group of sailors running, until you realize they're actually just BCP Marines. You're about to leave the pull-up bar area for the gym entrance when a Marine wearing green on green and a glow belt blocks your path. "Hey man, we're about to start. You can piss afterwards." Start? A young Marine wearing an orange glow belt looks over, and runs over to you both. He says, "Get to your positions, both of you." "Yes sir," says the other Marine. Sir? Fuck. It's a butterbar LT leading a [[PFT]].

"Bullshit. What class are you teaching?" [["Prime 4 Life."]] [["I have no idea, they told me last night."]]

"Prime 4 Life? The alcohol class? That's taught by a civilian. Try again." [["I'm on duty."]] [["I'm on range."]] [["I have to practice for the birthday ball tonight."]] [["I have a promotion panel."]]<<if $mcmap is false>> [["I have MCMAP."]]<</if>> [["I have a piss test."]]<<if $sapr is false>> [["I have SAPR."][$sapr to true]]<</if>> [["Fuck you."]]

"Ha, sounds about right. Good luck." He hangs up. You got a text last night saying you're one of the Marines "hand-picked" (read: randomly picked, because fuck you) to give a class on something. Apparently there's a PowerPoint slide you're supposed to have read, but you've never seen it. [[Shower, shave, get dressed, and head to the unit conference room.]]

This is the multi-purpose conference room. It's used for just about everything. Piss tests, classes, rifle cleaning, NJPs, yoga. It should probably be condemned for the amount of use it's gotten. Either for that, or the asbestos. Right now there's about 3 dozen folding chairs which you were ordered to set up; you, and 5 other Marines. For some reason, time was of the essence, even though you went right back to waiting around once you finished setting up the chairs. One of the folding chairs is padded, so you take it for yourself. It's not really that much more comfortable, but you feel like a king. People are starting to walk in and sit down. Some of them have enough snacks and coffee to feed an entire squad. No one sits in the front, so you'll probably have to talk loudly and sound like an asshole while presenting "NO SHIT" material everyone knows already. You can't blame them, you do the same every time, but to be on the receiving end, it hurts. You start looking at the PowerPoint you're supposed to teach. It's about 80 slides too long, so roughly 80 slides. There's a bunch of acronyms you've been pretending to know whenever people say them. You take a look at the schedule. You're teaching the first class. Great. So you have to get everyone's attention. [[Start the class now, even though it's 5 minutes early.|teachingclass][$teaching to "early"]] [[Start the class on-time.|teachingclass][$teaching to "ontime"]] [[Start the class 5 minutes late to make sure everyone's here.|teachingclass][$teaching to "late"]]

<<if $teaching is "ontime">>You decide to start the class on-time. You have a little time before the class starts, so you check the projector to make sure it works. You do this because no one ever does.<<elseif $teaching is "late">>You want to make sure everyone gets this class for some reason, so you purposely waste everyone's time. You make sure the projector works before the class starts, since no one set it up. A single extra person walks in. I hope you feel proud of yourself.<<elseif $teaching is "early">>You start the class early to just get on with it.<</if>> You look at the material and realize if you actually go through every slide, this is going to go over the time allotted. These people are here all day, so maybe they won't care. But you wouldn't want someone doing this to you. Though you were also told to do it by the book. You're conflicted. [[Ask another instructor how long this class is supposed to be.]] [[Just have people sign the roster and pretend this class happened.]]

Fuck the material. You tell the class to pass the roster and sign it. GOOD ENDING Absolutely no one objects, and you save everyone's time. 🙏 Thank you 🙏 [[Restart]]

You ask another instructor, some sergeant, how long every class is supposed to be. "About 90 minutes," she says. [[Fuck.]]

90 minutes? You teach it in 5. GOOD ENDING Absolutely incredible work. The commander was also in attendance, and gives you a challenge coin. "I appreciate a Marine who takes these classes seriously and can so beautifully articulate how to use a compass," he says. You couldn't be prouder. What the fuck are you supposed to do with this coin? [[Restart]]

You decide to watch one of the military movies you got from your old old old old roommate, 4 roommates ago. Which one do you watch? [[Full Metal Jacket|supplyguy][$movie to "fmj"]] [[Jarhead|supplyguy][$movie to "jarhead"]] [[American Sniper|americansniper]]

You order Domino's. It's what Marines crave. The Domino's on base is apparently one of the top 3 busiest Domino's in the country, possibly the world. Their website lists every building on base along with room numbers, so you don't doubt it. Your order gets here, and you tip the guy, before realizing you already tipped online. You crack open an energy drink. Before you can start eating, [[someone walks in|supplyguy]].

This is your favorite underrated pastime, reading what Marines have done for the past month to get a trial by court-martial. You look through the court-martials, but it's pretty boring this month. Nothing new. Just charges of child pornography and wife-beating. Your all-time favorite has to be the staff sergeant who masturbated next to a school bus. On a military base. "On 30 November 2015, the [staff sergeant] masturbated while driving his truck next to a school bus filled with high school students. Four girls on the bus testified they saw the [staff sergeant's] penis. Later that same day, the [staff sergeant] followed a 13-year-old girl through base housing, communicating indecent language to her, propositioning her, and masturbating in front of her. She also saw his penis. The next day, the [staff sergeant] again drove next to the same school bus, masturbating." It might be funny if it weren't real. As you're reading, you hear [[someone walking in|supplyguy]].

You tour the barracks for some reason. Nothing's happening. You lead some drunk guy from the party earlier to his room. He must've been stumbling around the barracks for hours. You start walking back to the duty desk. But as you approach, you see what is obviously the officer of the day, with his pistol and bad moto haircut, standing at the duty desk, waiting for you. He says, "Report your post. Now." You hurry over to the desk and start going through the motions of reporting in, until you realize you don't know their rank. It's just a bunch of flat black. You swear some of these higher enlisted specifically wear collars with more black in the cammie design, just to fuck with people. You're gonna have to guess his rank. You say, "Good evening..." [['"Staff sergeant."'|ood2][$ood to "ssgt"]] [['"Gunnery sergeant."'|ood2][$ood to "gysgt"]] [['"Gunny."'|ood2][$ood to "gunny"]] [['"Master sergeant."'|ood2][$ood to "msgt"]] [['"First sergeant."'|ood2][$ood to "1st"]] [['"Sir."'|ood2][$ood to "sir"]] [['"Fuck you."'|ood2][$ood to "fuckyou"]]

<<if $movie is "fmj">>You watch Full Metal Jacket. You watch to the end of the boot camp half of the movie and turn it off. <<elseif $movie is "jarhead">>You start watching Jarhead before you realize it's Jarhead 3, a cheap direct-to-landfill DVD which no one likes, and Marines like even less. <</if>>You look up from your phone to see some rando staring at you. "Heeeeyyyyyyyy mannnnnnnnnnnnnn," he "says." He's drunk, probably a straggler from the party earlier. You wonder what he's been doing since then. <<if $domino is true>>He takes a slice of pizza from you without asking. <</if>>He starts going off about his job and how no one respects him for doing it. "It's like, I'm supply. If it weren't for me, you guys wouldn't have ANYTHING. Imagine, NO toilet paper." Well, yeah, no shit, that's your job. It's not a profound realization. "Anyway, mannnn, can you sign my check-in sheet?" He hands you a piece of paper where initials are supposed to go. Supposedly this is supposed to be turned in, to show that you visited every place you're supposed to before officially starting at the unit, but you've never known anyone who's turned this thing in. He wants you to sign it as the barracks manager, who works in an office behind the duty desk, but isn't here right now. [[Sign it.|ood][$sign to "sign"]] [[Don't sign it and tell this drunkard to fuck off.|ood][$sign to "not"]] [[Sign everything.|ood][$sign to "everything"]]

"From all my reading about him, plus the dozens of interviews I’ve dug up, here’s my opinion on Chris: On one hand, his embodiment of God, family, and country values is extremely noble, and something to be admired. There’s honorable virtue in a man upholding the preservation of America’s traditional principles, so I do have a soft spot for him. On the other hand, I’m a bit ambivalent towards his simplified, Bible-belting “rah rah,” Texan black-and-white ideologies, especially in regards to some of his sweeping generalizations of the entire Middle East population. I’ve never been to the Middle East, though, so I can’t really dispute whether they’re “all savages,” as Kyle calls them, or not. I understand that Kyle likely had a hardened view of the world. Most of his deployment is based around facing and killing the ugliest forms of terrorism. Moreover, past the offensive statements and downright xenophobic outlook that permeate the first half of the book, Kyle seems to have a propensity to toot his own horn a bit, chiefly when it comes to petty bar fights over women. These segments really add nothing to the book and, most likely unknown to Kyle, cast him in a negative light as someone boastful, egocentric, and obsessed with childish brawling. Yet, he seems to apply all these traits to all SEALs and servicemen, as if they’re some inherent character trait. I don’t think all men who’ve served would agree with that. In fact, I’m sure a more sophisticated bunch would find it downright embarrassing. This leads me into even more controversy surrounding the legend. Kyle has been caught outright lying on a number of occasions. Most notorious was the defamation lawsuit filed by Jesse Ventura. In the book, Kyle told a story in which he got confrontational with another military celebrity who had been bad-mouthing America, the troops, and President Bush. He then proceeded to teach him a bit of a lesson. In Kyle’s words, he “laid him out” and claims the guy “ended up on the floor.” Kyle later confirmed the SEAL to be Ventura. After Kyle’s death, Ventura still pursued the high-profile lawsuit, claiming it was a lie. Ventura ended up winning $1.8 million in defamation. In a separate story Kyle told, he and another SEAL sat atop the New Orleans Superdome after they’d been sent down by the Blackwater Security Firm to help with the Post-Katrina assistance. Kyle claims they shot and killed over 30 looters. The incident was all swept under the rug. In another far-fetched story, Kyle was at a Texas gas station when two men tried to rob him. He shot them both dead and immediately afterwards, contacted the Pentagon where he claims they recognized him as a SEAL, and thanked him for “keeping the streets clean.” Yet for both stories, there are no bodies, evidence, or documentation, nothing to prove that they even occurred. It seems Kyle had a habit of conceiving tall tales. The very fact that Kyle intentionally lied in his autobiography about the incident with Jesse Ventura calls into question how much of his autobiography we should even believe." Source: https://wcuquad.com/6002609/arts-entertainment/american-sniper-disappoints/ [[Restart]]

<<if $sign is "sign">>You sign his shit and send him on his way. 5 minutes later, the officer of the day walks in, with his pistol and bad moto haircut, and stands in front of the duty desk. He says, "Report your post. Now." You start going through the motions of reporting in, until you realize you don't know their rank. It's just a bunch of flat black. You swear some of these higher enlisted specifically wear collars with more black in the cammie design, just to fuck with people. You're gonna have to guess his rank. You say, "Good evening..."<<elseif $sign is "not">>You don't sign anything, because you're not supposed to, and that's his problem. "Fuck you, man. Duty's always an asshole to me." He storms off. Whatever." 5 minutes later, the officer of the day walks in, with his pistol and bad moto haircut, and stands in front of the duty desk. He says, "Report your post. Now." You start going through the motions of reporting in, until you realize you don't know his rank. It's just a bunch of flat black. You swear some of these higher enlisted specifically wear collars with more black in the cammie design, just to fuck with people. You're gonna have to guess his rank. You say, "Good evening..."<<elseif $sign is "everything">>You sign every spot on his check-in sheet, you just vary the initials you write to make it seem like he checked-in everywhere. He thanks you, and leaves. 5 minutes later, the officer of the day walks in, with his pistol and bad moto haircut, and stands in front of the duty desk. He says, "Report your post. Now." You start going through the motions of reporting in, until you realize you don't know their rank. It's just a bunch of flat black. You swear some of these higher enlisted specifically wear collars with more black in the cammie design, just to fuck with people. You're gonna have to guess his rank. You say, "Good evening..."<</if>> [['"Staff sergeant."'|ood2][$ood to "ssgt"]] [['"Gunnery sergeant."'|ood2][$ood to "gysgt"]] [['"Gunny."'|ood2][$ood to "gunny"]] [['"Master sergeant."'|ood2][$ood to "msgt"]] [['"First sergeant."'|ood2][$ood to "1st"]] [['"Sir."'|ood2][$ood to "sir"]] [['"Fuck you."'|ood2][$ood to "fuckyou"]]

<<if $ood is "ssgt">>He says, "Staff sergeant? Are you freaking serious. Look at my collar, what do you see?" Now that you have time to look, you see that he's actually a gunnery sergeant. BAD ENDING He takes you around the barracks for the next 2 hours screaming rank ditties to make sure you never forget. You'll never forget, and neither will everyone living in the barracks, who are too scared to tell a gunny to quiet down. [[Restart]]<<elseif $ood is "gysgt">>He says, "Good evening." Lucky, you got it right. <<if $patrol is true>>"I saw you patrol the barracks earlier, good job. I just walked through, the barracks seem quiet tonight." They're always quiet, until they're not. "But there's some trash outside by the dumpster that needs to get cleaned up by the time you do turnover. Make sure it's done when I come back later." He leaves. The trash around the dumpster? That's just the racoons, and that trash is going to come right back even if you pick it up. <<linkreplace "You go to pick the trash up.">>You go to pick the trash up. GOOD ENDING As you're picking the trash up, the base commander happens to see you. "Taking the initiative, Marine? That's what I like to see. What unit are you with?" He tells your leadership about your devotion to duty which reflects credit upon yourself,, and you receive the highest POG military honor for it: the coveted NAM. It's coveted because usually the company clerk gets it for just doing their job. [[Restart]]<</linkreplace>><</if>><<if $patrol is false>>"So, did you plan on patrolling the barracks tonight? Because I just saw a drunk Marine wandering the halls, lost in the sauce, who couldn't find his room." Oops.<</if>> <<if $domino is true>>"Oh, but you were able to order Domino's and stuff your fucking face, right?"<<elseif $watchedmovie is true>>"Hey, but I'm glad you prioritized watching a movie instead of helping your fellow Marine." The pizza was pretty good ngl<<elseif $courtmartials is true>>"And here you are, reading God knows what on your phone."<</if>> <<if $sign is "sign">>"And worst of all, you signed his check-in sheet. Don't look surprised, he told me." Fucking buddy fucker are you serious. BAD ENDING Your actions reward you with an NJP. Thankfully you didn't sign every block. [[Restart]]<<elseif $sign is "not">>"Thankfully, you didn't sign his check-in sheet. He was whining about it in the barracks hallway. Well, not really whining, SCREAMING about how "duty" fricked him." That's pretty funny, but you hold your laughter in so gunny doesn't go nuclear. BAD ENDING Gunny lets you off with a quick warning, so only 25 minutes lecturing you while you stand at attention. You can't stop staring at his bad haircut. [[Restart]]<<elseif $sign is "everything">>"And look at THIS," he says, as he holds up a piece of paper. It's a check-in sheet. THE check-in sheet. "Look at this freaking thing. You really thought you could sign every block? Don't play dumb, he told me everything. You'll be lucky if you don't get court-martialed for this." BAD ENDING You spend the next week in a holding platoon while your leadership decides your fate. At least you don't have to PT. [[Restart]]<</if>><<elseif $ood is "gunny">>He says, "Good evening." Lucky, you got it right. "I don't mind the gunny thing, but someone else might, so just keep it professional, and say the whole rank next time." It always seems like everyone's worried about someone else who takes the rules seriously, yet you never find this someone else who cares. <<if $patrol is true>>"I saw you patrol the barracks earlier, good job. I just walked through, the barracks seem quiet tonight." They're always quiet, until they're not. "But there's some trash outside by the dumpster that needs to get cleaned up by the time you do turnover. Make sure it's done when I come back later." He leaves. The trash around the dumpster? That's just the racoons, and that trash is going to come right back even if you pick it up. <<linkreplace "You go to pick the trash up.">>You go to pick the trash up. GOOD ENDING As you're picking the trash up, the commanding general happens to see you. "Taking the initiative, Marine? That's what I like to see. What unit are you with?" He tells your leadership about your devotion to duty which reflects credit upon yourself, and you receive the highest POG military honor for it: the coveted NAM. It's coveted because usually the company clerk gets it for just doing their job. [[Restart]]<</linkreplace>><</if>><<if $patrol is false>>"So, did you plan on patrolling the barracks tonight? Because I just saw a drunk Marine wandering the halls, lost in the sauce, who couldn't find his room." Oops.<</if>> <<if $domino is true>>"Oh, but you were able to order Domino's and stuff your fucking face, right?"<<elseif $watchedmovie is true>>"Hey, but I'm glad you prioritized watching a movie instead of helping your fellow Marine." The pizza was pretty good ngl<<elseif $courtmartials is true>>"And here you are, reading God knows what on your phone."<</if>> <<if $sign is "sign">>"And worst of all, you signed his check-in sheet. Don't look surprised, he told me." Fucking buddy fucker are you serious. BAD ENDING Your actions reward you with an NJP. Thankfully you didn't sign every block. [[Restart]]<<elseif $sign is "not">>"Thankfully, you didn't sign his check-in sheet. He was whining about it in the barracks hallway. Well, not really whining, SCREAMING about how "duty" fricked him." That's pretty funny, but you hold your laughter in so gunny doesn't go nuclear. BAD ENDING Gunny lets you off with a quick warning, so only 25 minutes lecturing you while you stand at attention. You can't stop staring at his bad haircut. [[Restart]]<<elseif $sign is "everything">>"And look at THIS," he says, as he holds up a piece of paper. It's a check-in sheet. THE check-in sheet. "Look at this freaking thing. You really thought you could sign every block? Don't play dumb, he told me everything. You'll be lucky if you don't get court-martialed for this." BAD ENDING You spend the next week in a holding platoon while your leadership decides your fate. At least you don't have to PT. [[Restart]]<</if>><<elseif $ood is "msgt">>He says, "Master sergeant? Are you freaking serious. Look at my collar, what do you see?" Now that you have time to look, you see that he's actually a gunnery sergeant. BAD ENDING He takes you around the barracks for the next 2 hours screaming rank ditties to make sure you never forget. You'll never forget, and neither will everyone living in the barracks, who are too scared to tell a gunny to quiet down. [[Restart]]<<elseif $ood is "1st">>He says, "First sergeant? Are you freaking serious. Look at my collar, what do you see?" Now that you have time to look, you see that he's actually a gunnery sergeant. BAD ENDING He takes you around the barracks for the next 2 hours screaming rank ditties to make sure you never forget. You'll never forget, and neither will everyone living in the barracks, who are too scared to tell a gunny to quiet down. [[Restart]]<<elseif $ood is "sir">>He says, "I work for a living, don't call me sir." You've heard this joke a million times, and it's always been old. <<if $patrol is true>>"I saw you patrol the barracks earlier, good job. I just walked through, the barracks seem quiet tonight." They're always quiet, until they're not. "But there's some trash outside by the dumpster that needs to get cleaned up by the time you do turnover. Make sure it's done when I come back later." He leaves. The trash around the dumpster? That's just the racoons, and that trash is going to come right back even if you pick it up. <<linkreplace "You go to pick the trash up.">>You go to pick the trash up. GOOD ENDING As you're picking the trash up, the commanding general happens to see you. "Taking the initiative, Marine? That's what I like to see. What unit are you with?" He tells your leadership about your incredible act of kindness, and you receive the highest military honor for it: the coveted NAM. It's coveted because usually the company clerk gets it for just doing their job. [[Restart]]<</linkreplace>><</if>><<if $patrol is false>>"So, did you plan on patrolling the barracks tonight? Because I just saw a drunk Marine wandering the halls, lost in the sauce, who couldn't find his room." Oops.<</if>> <<if $domino is true>>"Oh, but you were able to order Domino's and stuff your fucking face, right?"<<elseif $watchedmovie is true>>"Hey, but I'm glad you prioritized watching a movie instead of helping your fellow Marine." The pizza was pretty good ngl<<elseif $courtmartials is true>>"And here you are, reading God knows what on your phone."<</if>> <<if $sign is "sign">>"And worst of all, you signed his check-in sheet. Don't look surprised, he told me." Fucking buddy fucker are you serious. BAD ENDING Your actions reward you with an NJP. Thankfully you didn't sign every block, or it could've been worse. [[Restart]]<<elseif $sign is "not">>"Thankfully, you didn't sign his check-in sheet. He was whining about it in the barracks hallway. Well, not really whining, SCREAMING about how "duty" fricked him." That's pretty funny, but you hold your laughter in so gunny doesn't go nuclear. BAD ENDING Gunny lets you off with a quick warning, so only 25 minutes lecturing you while you stand at attention. You can't stop staring at his bad haircut. [[Restart]]<<elseif $sign is "everything">>"And look at THIS," he says, as he holds up a piece of paper. It's a check-in sheet. THE check-in sheet. "Look at this freaking thing. You really thought you could sign every block? Don't play dumb, he told me everything. You'll be lucky if you don't get court-martialed for this." BAD ENDING You spend the next week in a holding platoon while your leadership decides your fate. At least you don't have to PT. [[Restart]]<</if>><<elseif $ood is "fuckyou">><<linkreplace "He stares at you.">>He stares at you. "You've got some balls, Marine. Tell you what, I'll forget this ever happened if you let me haze you for a bit." <<linkreplace "You have no choice.">>You have no choice. BAD ENDING You clean every floor of the barracks with a toothbrush, while wearing your flak and kevlar, as well as all your warming layers. He takes a picture of you "for himself," he says, but you know everyone is going to see this, make fun of you, but pretend it never happened when the anti-hazing classes roll around. Hypocrites. "Oh, hey, I think it's raining. Why don't you go mop it up?" Fuck me... [[Restart]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>><</if>>

The armory's closed. Of course. Your unit's armory and, you suspect, every armory, ebbs and flows as to whether or not they care. You would think they'd be here, since they lost some gear a few months ago. Guess not. There's a piece of paper with a phone number, and instructions which say to call if they're not here. There's also a spot on the paper where it says their work hours. Surprise surprise, that's right now. You should probably call. [[Call the armory.]] [[Go to the chow hall.][$rangeleave to true]] [[Go to the gym.][$rangeleave to true]]

You call the armory. A PFC picks up. She's on her way, no one told her there were people at the range today. She arrives, goes into the armory, spends way too long doing seemingly nothing, then gets you your rifle. It's dirty, filled with carbon. For some reason, despite being assigned a rifle, it gets lent out randomly without your notice. But it's your fault if it's dirty. Great. You head to the 7-ton, which is about to [[leave.]]

You wait. You prepare a brick in case things get out of hand. From outside the door, you hear, "HEY DEVIL." Fuck, it's Gunny E. His last name isn't E, but he has one of those unpronounceable names which doesn't fit on a uniform, so he's fine with just "E." "Devil" refers to Devil Dog, a translation from German of Teufel Hunden, a moniker supposedly given during the Battle of Belleau Wood of World War I. Supposedly, because it's an invention of U.S. propaganda, which the Marine Corps has acknowledged, and yet they still peddle this story. Gunny E starts pounding on the door. "I know you're in there." [['"Fuck you."'|gunnye]]

Gunny E uses the open door policy and breaks the door down, Barney style. Well, he makes the duty open the door, but there's definitely fist marks on the door which aren't coming off. BAD ENDING Gunny E rah yut kills you. Stack bodies. Your body. [[Restart]]

Your roommate has a "Don't Promise You a Rose Garden" moto poster which kind of applies to this situation, though he crossed out "rose" and replaced it with "shit." You start getting dressed at the very least. You shove some clothes in your pack to make it look like there's actual gear in it. You don't have enough time to shower and shave. And you still can't find your car key. [[Run to the hike start point.]]

<<set $seconds to 6>><<if $holddoor is true>>You hold the door open. You stare and wait. How is it possible to walk this slowly? Before they reach the door, they notice you holding it, and increase their walking speed by 10% as a favor to you. "Thanks, man," they say. You did a good thing. You're rewarded with them being in front of you in line now. Bullshit.<<else>>You take pleasure in staring at the guy as you walk in without holding the door. It was a hard decision to make, but the right one. You get in line.<</if>> As you're waiting to be served, you look at the menu. Chicken or fish. You look at what's actually being served, and it's a bunch of off-color mush. Neither of these are chicken or fish. "Hello? Sir?" [[The server is waiting for you to choose.]]

You need to pick an entree in $seconds. <<silently>> <<repeat 1s>> <<set $seconds to $seconds - 1>> <<if $seconds gt 0>> <<replace "#countdown">>You need to pick an entree in $seconds.<</replace>> <<else>> <<replace "#countdown">>You need to pick an entree in $seconds.</replace>> <<goto "mealnothing">> <<stop>> <</if>> <</repeat>> <</silently>> "I'll have the..." [['"Chicken?"'|mealchicken]] [['"Fish?"'|mealfish]] [['"Fuck you."'|mealfuckyou]]

"I'll help the next person." BAD ENDING You don't get served. Now you're gonna starve. At least there's a salad bar. [[Restart]]

"It's casserole, sweetheart. Is that okay?" That's fine. She serves you the last of the casserole<<if $holddoor is true>>. GOOD ENDING You got your food, had manners, and didn't cause a scene. Now if only the rest of the Marine Corps could follow your example. [[Restart]]<<else>>, which infuriates the guy you didn't hold the door for. BAD ENDING "Now what am I going to eat, huh?" You start mentioning that there's a salad bar before he goes Berserk 1997 and pushes you into the serving area. Now you're covered in various unidentified foods. "Is that enough food for you now?" That's actually all the food for the next 15 minutes, so people are going to have to wait even longer to be served. You offer some of the food you're covered in, and even try scraping some of it off for people, but this gesture isn't appreciated. The potatoes (on your shoulder) are actually pretty good today, though. [[Restart]]<</if>>

"That's not fish." Thanks, that really helps. What am I supposed to do with that information? <<if $holddoor is true>>The guy you held the door open for helps you out. "He'll have the turkey chili." GOOD ENDING What a nice guy. You make a new friend. His name's Denton. He's getting out next week because he drove a truck down a steep hill for a joyride and nearly crashed into a base school. He also had his hands in his pockets, which is even worse. [[Restart]]<<else>>The guy you didn't hold the door for tells you to hurry up. BAD ENDING You panic, and end up just getting a dinner roll. A good dinner roll hits different, but you need more food, and now you're going to starve. You could've just held the door open. [[Restart]]<</if>>

You tell the server lady to go fuck herself. BAD ENDING Your heartless cruelty is awarded with an asskicking (the A in BAMCIS) by <<if $holddoor is true>>the guy you held the door for. Was the juice worth the squeeze? [[Restart]]<<else>>by the guy you didn't hold the door for. You thought he'd be your nameless acquaintance for life, but all he ended up being is the person who laid you out on the floor. The floor was spotless when you came in, so you also have to clean it up. [[Restart]]<</if>>

You head over.<<if $shitbag is false>> Better to not annoy him this early in the morning.<</if>> You're in a group of about a dozen people. Next to Corporal Morgan is Sergeant Rahman. You're guessing Sergeant Rahman probably wants to get a head count and made Corporal Morgan his errand boy. More like errand bitch. Sergeant Rahman starts ranting, "<<if $shitbag is true>>Glad you could join us. <</if>>Alright, is everyone<<if $shitbag is true>> else<</if>> here? Is anyone not here? Cleared hot. If they're not here, start making calls, and go find them. Understood? I said understood?" People like to do the the "I said" thing whenever they want to feel in charge. It's unncessary here, since Sergeant Rahman is, in fact, in charge, and it's honestly just rude. But Marines like to pretend being blunt is just getting things done, even if it causes mental anguish which ends up giving people mental issues down the road, and the thing getting done is a poorly-coordinated hike with too much gear that'll wear down everyone's knees. Though, Sergeant Rahman just reenlisted, so he's probably just taking his anger out on us. He's been getting divorced for about two years now, too. You're not sure how that works. Sergeant Rahman continues, "Here's your MREs for the hike. We're gonna dagon stop during the hike to eat. And before you ask, yes, you're going to take one, even if you already brought snacks.<<if $hydration is "milk">> Or a milk carton, like this weirdo.<</if>>" Sergeant Rahman throws a box of MREs into the group and supervises the ensuing mad dash for the best one. [[Pick your MRE.]]

You decide to take your time and check out what's going on at the hike. You hurry up and wait for no one. You see Marines tossing rocks near the portashitters, but they don't look like they're taking new players. An officer walks through the crowd and some Marines salute her and some Marines don't. You're technically not supposed to salute in the field but people do it out here anyway because there's no legal definition of what the field is or isn't, and no one's about to find out because who cares. You hear two Marines yelling at each other. God, are these fuckers doing drill instructor impersonations right now? You almost puke before turning your attention to two Marines blasting music. They're in an unspoken war of competing speaker loudness which occurs during these waiting games. One of the Marines is playing his music through his tinny phone speaker as loud as possible. He's kind of weird, keeps to himself, yet he's still somehow always in proximity to other Marines and acknowledged in conversation. <<link "His music ">><<append "#songs">>(<<switch random(1, 74)>>"<<case 1>>Akira Yamaoka - "Promise"<<case 2>>Akira Yamaoka - "Theme of Laura"<<case 3>>Alberto Jose González - "Cool Ball"<<case 4>>Black Kray - "Hydr6c0don$"<<case 5>>Bôa - "Duvet"<<case 6>>COIL - "The Legendary Theme"<<case 7>>Chief Keef - "Baby Whats Wrong with You"<<case 8>>Corona - "The Rhythm of the Night"<<case 9>>David Wise - "Stickerbrush Symphony"<<case 10>>Goldfinger - "Superman"<<case 11>>Jeremy Soule - "Happy Hogwarts"<<case 12>>Jon Holland - "Cleopactra"<<case 13>>Jonathan Dunn - "RoboCop"<<case 14>>June Chikuma - "Redial"<<case 15>>Kensuke Ushio - "Hero Theme"<<case 16>>Koji Kondo - "King"<<case 17>>Koji Kondo - "Sheik's Theme"<<case 18>>Laugh & Peace - "Overflowing Emotions"<<case 19>>Luca Yumi - "Truth"<<case 20>>Mark Morgan - "Khans of New California"<<case 21>>Masafumi Takada - "Rave On"<<case 22>>Masashi Hamauzu - "Besaid Island"<<case 23>>Matt Uelmen - "Tristram"<<case 24>>Max Coveri - "Running in the 90s"<<case 25>>Michiel van den Bos - "UNATCO"<<case 26>>Michiru Yamane - "The Tragic Prince"<<case 27>>Niko - "Night of Fire"<<case 28>>Norihiko Hibino - "Snake Eater"<<case 29>>Ryuichi Sakamoto - "Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence"<<case 30>>Shawn Lee - "School's Out"<<case 31>>Sonny Sharrock - "Hit Single"<<case 32>>Susumu Hirasawa - "Gats"<<case 33>>Takenobu Mitsuyoshi - "Sedge Tree"<<case 34>>The Pillows - "Last Dinosaur"<<case 35>>The Pillows - "Little Busters"<<case 36>>The Seatbelts - "Blue"<<case 37>>Yasunori Mitsuda - "Guardia Castle"<<case 38>>Yoko Takahashi - "A Cruel Angel's Thesis"<<case 39>>Yuzo Koshiro - "Go Straight"<<case 40>>djyungtellem - "God Bless the USA"<<case 41>>Viper - "Papered Up"<<case 42>>Natsumen - "Newsummerboy"<<case 43>>Brian Eno - "The Big Ship"<<case 44>>David Wise - "Aquatic Ambiance"<<case 45>>The Gerogerigegege - "ゲロゲリゲゲゲ"<<case 46>>Ian Taylor - "Scape Main"<<case 47>>Joe Hisaishi - "Summer"<<case 48>>Philippe Vachey - "Song for Gabriel"<<case 49>>Alice Deejay - "Better Off Alone"<<case 50>>Bis - "The Powerpuff Girls (End Theme)"<<case 51>>Crystal Castles - "Kept"<<case 52>>DJ Sabrina the Teenage DJ - "Next to Me"<<case 53>>Main Attrakionz - "Chuch"<<case 54>>Michiru Oshima - "Heal"<<case 55>>chris††† - "Thoughts and Prayers"<<case 56>>Lil Ugly Mane - "Porcelain Slightly"<<case 57>>Capoxxo - "Perfect"<<case 58>>Masakatsu Takagi - "おおはる (ぴあの)"<<case 59>>Misao Senbongi/Shusaku Uchiyama - "Serenity"<<case 60>>Takashi Tateishi - "Bubble Man"<<case 61>>Viper - "Hey, Maybe One Day You'll See Me Again"<<case 62>>Alexander Brandon - "The Synapse (Hong Kong Streets)"<<case 63>>Kensuke Ushio - "Peco"<<case 64>>Aya Hirano - "God Knows..."<<case 65>>Asian Kung-Fu Generation - "Rewrite"<<case 66>>Anamanaguchi - "Airbrushed"<<case 67>>Asian Kung-Fu Generation - "Haruka Kanata"<<case 68>>group_inou - "Heart"<<case 69>>My Chemical Romance - "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"<<case 70>>simoyuki - "Kumikyoku Nico Nico Douga"<<case 71>>Three 6 Mafia - "Stay Fly"<<case 72>>Three 6 Mafia - "Slob on My Knob"<<case 73>>ZUN - "Septette for a Dead Princess"<<case 74>>Ween - "Ocean Man"<</switch>>) <</append>><</link>> consists of anime songs, video game soundtracks, and Eminem. The other Marine's speaker is just Eminem. There really isn't much to do here other than wait around, so you should probably head over to Corporal Morgan. [[Head over.]] [[Nap in a portashitter.]]

Regardless of what you pick, they're all shit. They're worse than the ramen you used to eat before enlisting, both in taste and nutritional value. People like to pretend they're something like 6,000 calories each and have everything a warfighter craves, when really they're inefficient, overpriced processed food products produced by the lowest bidder. They're all shit. There's barely any choices left after the Marines ratfucked the MRE box, so you get the Creamy Spinach Fettuccine one. Of course you do. Marines like to debate which is the worst. This one's pretty bad, but you don't understand why anyone would debate which variety of literal dogshit they prefer. "HEY MARINE." Sergeant Rahman yells at the group, and most of them turn their heads, not sure who he's referring to. The saltier Marines, including yourself, ignore him, because if you don't acknowledge him then you're less likely to be picked for some stupid working party. <<if $shave is false or $shitbag is true>>"Yeah, I'm talking to you." Sergeant Rahman walks over to you. "Here's a razor. Shave. Now." He walks away. Damn, he's good. [[Dry shave.|hikestart][$dryshave to true]]<<elseif $shitbag is true>>"Yeah, I'm talking to you." Sergeant Rahman walks over to you. "What makes you think you can sleep in? You barely made the gunny time. I made it, and I'm married, and live off base. You're single, live in the barracks, and don't have two girls to take care of. What's your excuse?" [['"Sorry."'|hikestart][$hikeresponse to "sorry"]] [['"Fuck you."'|hikestart][$hikeresponse to "fuckyou"]] [['"I hope you outlive your children."'|hikebeat]]<<else>>The hike's about to start. [[Hike.|hikestart]]<</if>>

You enter the portashitter. It's not that bad in here. When the wind picks up, it smells awful, but it's not that windy today. <<if $shower is false>>It's not like you smell any better.<</if>> You recognize a dick you drew in this one a while ago. GOOD ENDING You take a nap and it's surprisingly comfy. No one realizes you're missing and you rejoin the group when they get back. You were born to skate. [[Restart]]

Your roommate's uniform is safely secured behind a metal door with a combo lock. Thankfully, you bought bolt cutters for this exact situation. You were inspired to buy them after you saw the barracks manager use them when you forgot your own combination. You thought, why should he be the only one in on this? It's a skeleton key for every lock in the Marine Corps. They sell them at Home Depot for like 30 bucks. You also bought a Stanley FatMax Xtreme FuBar III. It's fucking sick. Anyway, you break into his locker and tactically acquire his chucks. It fits a little weird on you, but it'll have to do for this. [[Head to the panel.]]

You start walking to the conference room in the barracks common room where the promotion panel is being held. You see an officer approaching. [[Salute.|salute][$salute to true]] [[Do a 180 and find another route.|salute][$salute to false]]

You run as fast as you can with a flak and kevlar on. By the time you get there, you're a hot mess. The no shower thing didn't help, but combined with the sweat you've built up from the run, you smell like absolute death. Like a recruit. Your lack of shave and overall haggard look doesn't help you either. You can't see anyone you know, partially because it's an unorganized clusterfuck of everyone from the unit, and because it's still dark and you can't see shit. Also, everyone's wearing the same uniform, the same G-Shock, and has the same exact hairstyle. At least they shaved. You hear Corporal Morgan telling everyone under him to come and see him. [[Head over.]] [[Fuck off for a bit and hang out.]]

<<if $salute is true>>You salute the officer, he salutes back, and you go your seperate ways. Good job. Except your shirt stays snapped off, and now your shirt is getting bunched up around the waist. It looks like trash.<<else>>You see the officer give a look before you turn around, but they don't say anything. Shitbag.<</if>> You get to the conference room and there's a line of Marines lined up waiting for their turn to get put on the spot with irrelevant or softball questions. Your uniform looks fine, but everyone else's looks better. This annoys you, then that annoyance turns to hatred, then despair, followed by apathy. They call out your name. Already? Yeah, why go by alphabetical order? That'd make too much sense. Here goes nothing. [[March in.]]

Shit. You haven't done drill since boot camp. How the fuck are you supposed to march in? You shakily execute drill maneuvers and end up in front of a table where five Marines from your chain of command are sitting, also in chucks. Two of them you don't know, two of them you barely see, and one of them is your gunny, who somehow has less ribbons than you. After reporting in, you're told to sit down. You sit, and they start lecturing you on what it means to be an NCO. The backbone of the Marine Corps, the dick and balls of the Marine Corps, the butthole of the Marine Corps, whatever. They start with the questions. The first is a softball question from a geriatric master sergeant. He asks what commandant's reading list trash you've read, and what you got from the book. [[Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card|book][$book to "ender"]] [[Warfighting|book][$book to "warfighting"]] [[On Killing by Dave Grossman|book][$book to "killing"]] [[Industrial Society and Its Future by Ted Kaczynski|book][$book to "ted"]] [[Strategy: A History by Lawrence Freedman|book][$book to "strategy"]]

<<if $dryshave is true>>You painfully dry shave. A good Marine always carries a razor on him, you've been told, but you thought that would include the handle. This sucks. The hike's starting. <</if>><<if $hikeresponse is "sorry">>"You best be sorry. Now Message to Garcia your ass and start forming up, the hike's starting." <</if>><<if $hikeresponse is "fuckyou">>Sergeant Rahman pauses. He says, "I'll have Corporal Morgan deal with you later. Now get the fuck out of here, the hike's starting." <</if>>You form up by section and wait for the safety brief. The Marine who always falls out at every formation falls out at this formation. You think it's a new record for them. Marines are never sure whether or not to be disciplined and let them crack their heads open on the ground. Because that's a good look. Wow, so professional, they don't even care if an easily-preventable situation could be prevented. That's my handsome young man! It's a hot morning, though, you'll admit.<<if $walkordrive is "walk">> Your trip over here earlier didn't really help.<</if>> <<if $hydration is "cola">>[[Drink your hydration of choice.|dip]]<<else>>[[Drink your hydration of choice.]]<</if>>

Sergeant Rahman tells you to follow him to an empty field... BAD ENDING Where he JJDIDTIEBUCKLE beats you for saying such a thing. Didn't he once say he only got married for money? [[Restart]]

<<if $hydration is "none">>But you didn't bring any water source. Big mistake. It's only going to get worse. <<elseif $hydration is "water">>You take a nice swig of refreshing water. The plastic taste of the CamelBak BPA seeping into your water (despite their claims) is kind of nostalgic at this point. It'll be especially nostalgic when your hormones get fucked up by it in a decade or so. <<elseif $hydration is "preworkout">>You gulp some sour apple pre-workout mixed into your water. You're going to kill it on this hike. <<elseif $hydration is "beer">><<if $beervisible is true>>You drink a swig of beer from the bottle. The Marine next to you smirks, and says, "Heh, hey man, whatcha drinking, beer?" <<linkreplace '"Yes"'>>"Yes." "Yeah man, sure." If only he knew...<</linkreplace>><<elseif $beervisible is false>>You discreetly sip some beer from your CamelBak. So shines a good deed in a weary world. <</if>> <<elseif $hydration is "milk">>You take a hit of the milk carton. It tastes a little sour. <</if>>The safety brief takes fucking forever (piggybacking off of piggybacking), but it eventually ends, and [[the hike begins.]]

You chug some cola, only for you to realize it's fucking dip spit. BAD ENDING You gag to death. Your roommate must've left his dip bottle in the fridge for some god-forsaken reason. If he wanted to save a bottle, fine, but why was he saving dip spit? You'll never know now, since you're dead. [[Restart]]

<<if $pack is false>>Your light pack makes this hike a cakewalk. Everyone starts lagging behind you. <<elseif $pack is true>>Your heavy pack makes this hike grueling. It seems to just get heavier as the hike goes on. <</if>><<if $hydration is "none">>No water... Your vision starts going... BAD ENDING You fall out of the hike. At least you got to ride in the safety vic. [[Restart]]<<elseif $hydration is "preworkout">>Your heart starts beating faster and faster, until... BAD ENDING The pre-workout causes too great a strain on your body, causing you to have a heart attack, and die. Worst of all, your death from supplements causes the base commander to shut down the supplement store on base to cover his ass. Fuck you. [[Restart]]<<elseif $hydration is "beer">>The alcohol makes you walk into the Marine to the left and right of you, but you're sure they just think you're stupid. Which isn't far off. In any case, you know you hike better when you're drunk. GOOD ENDING You successfully complete the hike. You'll be hungover for the rest of the day, but so will most of the other Marines.<<if $shower is false>> Please take a shower.<</if>> [[Restart]]<<elseif $hydration is "milk">>The milk is making you sick to your stomach, and you have to take a break. You move off to the side, lay on the ground, and contemplate death. Out of the shadows comes a mysterious figure... BAD ENDING You get the silver bullet. The corpsman thought you were heat casing, so he stuck a metal rectal thermometer up your ass. You're the butt of jokes for the rest of your enlistment. [[Restart]]<</if>>

You chug water until it hurts. You head to the headquarters building. Inside, there's a line about ten Marines deep leading to the SACO's office. <<linkreplace "You wait.">>You wait. The guy in front of you starts talking to you. "Hey man, I know how to do a quick detox if you need it. I've never tried it, but my friend did, and he got away with it." You decline. You haven't done any drugs, at least since that month of leave you took after deployment. "I had to detox because of a poppy seed muffin I had. It shows up as heroin. You know, poppy? Like opium?" You know. Whatever. You wait, until finally... [[It's your turn to piss.]]<</linkreplace>>

You're given a bottle to pee in and a guy on piss duty to watch you piss into it. You head to the head. You're about to start pissing in the bottle, but you're not confident in how hard you should be applying pressure. You might overfill it. [[A light, dainty push.|pressure][$pressure to "push"]] [[Explode.|pressure][$pressure to "explode"]] [[Spit in the bottle.|pressure][$pressure to "spit"]]

<<if $pressure is "push">>Enough comes out to fill the bottle to the right amount. Good job. You wash your hands, and are about to head back, when you realize something. You had six poppy seed muffins last night in a drunken binge of furious eating before passing out. The piss you're about to hand in is the first piss since that binge. You're gonna have to do something or you're going to get in trouble over a false positive. You have little time to [[get yourself out of this.]]<<elseif $pressure is "explode">>You let your bladder fucking rip Turbo Mode and piss fucking everywhere. The urinal, the floor, your uniform, the guy watching you pee. It'd be impressive if it weren't, you know, piss. BAD ENDING You completely missed the bottle. You also pissed so hard you farted. [[Restart]]<<elseif $pressure is "spit">>You spit into the bottle while pissing into it. The guy watching you piss isn't really watching, so he doesn't notice. You wash your hands, and are about to head back, when you realize something. You had six poppy seed muffins last night in a drunken binge of furious eating before passing out. They were on sale for a dozen at the store, so you had to get them. The piss you're about to hand in is the first piss since that binge. You're gonna have to do something or you're going to get in trouble over a false positive. You have little time to [[get yourself out of this.]]<</if>>

You decide to forgo the water. You'll piss whenever it's convenient for you. BAD ENDING You make the SACO wait a ridiculous amount of time for you to pee. He can't make you chug water, so you just sit there and wait for the time to come. You're an inconsiderate asshole. [[Restart]]

You run. Your piss watcher doesn't catch up with you. Either you lost him, or he doesn't care. You use the open door policy and barge into the first office you see. <<linkreplace "It's first sergeant's office.">>It's first sausage's office. Here goes nothing. You say, "First sergeant, you gotta help me, staff sergeant's a narc and my piss is gonna false positive for drugs, can you help me out?" First sergeant pauses, then glares. "Why are you even in here?" he asks. It's as if he doesn't understand the open door policy. First sergeant said you could come to him for anything. He doesn't look like he's going to help you out, so you <<linkreplace "pull out some dumb moto shit to knock some sense into him.">>pull out some dumb moto shit to knock some sense into him. "Uh," you start, "Semper Fi, Do or Die. Right, first sergeant?" If it rhymes it's true, like eat ass to gain mass. GOOD ENDING First sergeant takes out his green weenie and donates his piss. You manage to pass the piss test. This is absurd. [[Restart]]<</linkreplace>><</linkreplace>>

<<if $book is "ender">>You pick Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. You fumble and struggle to relate it to the Marine Corps, even though it's on the reading list. You say that the boot camp section is similar. That's all you got. You wonder if the panel, or the commandant, knows Orson Scott Card writes anti-homosexuality essays in Mormon newspapers.<<elseif $book is "warfighting">>You pick MCDP 1, Warfighting. It's about 100 pages, so it's realistic that you actually read it. You explain to the panel that the point of it is that to fight a war, you have to fight a war.<<elseif $book is "killing">>You pick On Killing by Dave Grossman, because you're a psychopath. The knowledge presented within is possibly applicable to servicemembers, but you take issue with Dave Grossman's legacy past this one book, including his instruction of law enforcement officers to treat their handling of civilians like it's wartime. You just say what it's about without mentioning any of this.<<elseif $book is "ted">>You pick Industrial Society and Its Future by Ted Kaczynski. You just tell the panel that it's about China, and how China bad, and better than us.<<else>>You pick Strategy: A History by Lawrence Freedman. You tell the panel it's about strategy. A lot of it. The book is longer and denser than the Bible, so you hope the panel is impressed by your BDE choice. Though, they might just think you're a poser for picking the longest book ever made.<</if>> The master sergeant seems satisfied by your answer. Nice job, scribe. It's not like he knows what the book means. Why does he look like he's in his late 60s when he's like 38? 41 at the most. The next question is from your gunny. He's rocking a sick not-in-regs mooostash. He asks you why you want to or should be promoted. [["More money."]]

You give the classic shitbag answer which everyone knows you're not supposed to say. The panel thinks you're joking, and moves on. You wonder how low their expectations are for this panel. Maybe you should tell them your accomplishment of how quickly you binge-watched The Sopranos. There's a random staff sergeant you've never seen before, but you've heard her name before. She asks a question about your job proficiency which is taken out of an outdated manual no even uses. They move on to the next person, your chief, Master Sergeant Hyde. He's getting medically separated soon, and instead of dropping his pack like a normal person, he's been even more uptight recently. Maybe it's because the command knows what he and the clerk have been up to. For a hint: he's married. You're able to vaguely answer the question, which satisfies the panel. They really just want you to have an answer, and say it confidently, rather than be right. Which is insane. [[There's one question left before you get promoted.]]

<<if $salute is true>>The last question is from the officer you saluted earlier. You realize now that he's your company commander. Good thing you saluted. It's not like it's expected or anything. His question is what the blood stripe on the dress blue pants is meant to symbolize. You actually know this one, but you know both the fake story they want to hear, and the real story which goes against tradition. What you say is up to you, but remember, your promotion is on the line. [[Respond with Marine Corps propaganda.]] [[Blast their assholes open with the truth.]]<<else>>The last question is from the officer you made a scene out of not saluting earlier. He's your commanding officer. "Yeah, my question is why would we ever promote someone who hides from saluting an officer?" He's right. BAD ENDING You don't get recommended for promotion. Maybe next time. And maybe next time, you should salute. [[Restart]]<</if>>

You tell them the blood stripe is meant to honor the NCOs who led the charge in the bloody Battle of Chapultepec. That's a lie, but whatever. They like your answer. You've been professional, confident, and had the right answers to all the questions. You have a spotless record, everyone respects your work, and you take charge in situations where leadership isn't present. BAD ENDING Unfortunately, you have a 2nd class PFT, and the panel is based on personal opinion. You're not getting promoted. Cry some more. [[Restart]]

Marines are taught that the blood stripe is meant to honor the NCOs who led the charge in the bloody Battle of Chapultepec, but this is a lie. In truth, the Marine Corps adopted the blood stripe a decade earlier to mirror the Army uniforms at the time, which also had stripes. They're impressed that you're willing to answer truthfully, and that they actually learned something new. During a promotion panel no less. They tell you they're done, and they'll make a decision. You march out. Still a little shaky. GOOD ENDING No news is good news, so you passed the panel. You're getting promoted. The type of NCO, the type of person you'll be, is entirely up to you. Be excellent to each other. Please don't be a dickhead. [[Restart]]

<<set $shoot to 0>>The 7-ton ride is uneventful. Everyone's too tired to speak. Either that, or they're holding on for dear life as the back of the 7-ton nearly falls apart and bounces everyone around on the way to the range. The absolute pinnacle of military engineering. You get to the range. It's fucking freezing. But out of the corner of your eye, you catch it. The most beautiful thing in the world. Out comes the motherfucking gut truck, baby. You get an 11 dollar burrito. It's the best god-damned burrito you've ever eaten. But now you have to line up on a range relay. Everyone on the relay with you will be the best of friends up until range is over. You have to be, because they're the ones who are going to lie about how well you shoot today. It's time to [[shoot.]]

<<set $pits to 0>><<if $shoot is 0>><<set $shoot to 1>>You shoot. This is bullshit. [[Shoot.|shoot.]]<<elseif $shoot is 1>><<set $shoot to 2>>You shoot more. This is bullshit. [[Shoot.|shoot.]]<<elseif $shoot is 2>><<set $shoot to 3>>You shoot more. This sucks. [[Shoot.|shoot.]]<<elseif $shoot is 3>><<set $shoot to 4>>You shoot more. Fuck my life. [[Shoot.|shoot.]]<<elseif $shoot is 4>>You finish shooting. You wish the day was over, but now you have to go to the pits. It's noon, so it's hot as fuck now. You get to the pits. You're ready to start. But somebody lost their rifle. You wait. Yeah, no shit it was in a portashitter. There's only two places to go on this entire range. It's time to [[pull pits.]]<</if>>

<<set $cleanrifle to 0>><<if $pits is 0>><<set $pits to 1>>[[Pull pits.|pull pits.]]<<elseif $pits is 1>><<set $pits to 2>>[[Pull pits.|pull pits.]]<<elseif $pits is 2>><<set $pits to 3>>Someone shoots the berm in just the right spot to send dirt everywhere, especially into your fucking eye. [[Pull pits.|pull pits.]]<<elseif $pits is 3>>You finish pulling pits. The day is over. Just kidding. You have to police call the entire range for brass for some reason, even though it's a range. It takes god damn forever. Then some random staff sergeant nearly strip searches you to check for any brass or, worse, live rounds. He does a shit job because you find some brass in your pant pocket later on the 7-ton back home. Back home being the armory, where you have to [[clean your rifle.]]<</if>>

<<if $cleanrifle is 0>><<set $cleanrifle to 1>>[[Clean your rifle.|clean your rifle.]]<<elseif $cleanrifle is 1>><<set $cleanrifle to 2>>[[Clean your rifle.|clean your rifle.]]<<elseif $cleanrifle is 2>><<set $cleanrifle to 3>>You think your rifle is clean enough. The armory rejects it. [[Fucking clean your fucking rifle I guess FUCK.|clean your rifle.]]<<elseif $cleanrifle is 3>><<set $cleanrifle to 4>>[[Clean your rifle.|clean your rifle.]]<<elseif $cleanrifle is 4>><<set $cleanrifle to 5>>[[Clean your rifle.|clean your rifle.]]<<elseif $cleanrifle is 5>><<set $cleanrifle to 6>>[[Clean your rifle.|clean your rifle.]]<<elseif $cleanrifle is 6>><<set $cleanrifle to 7>>It has to be clean now. Nope. This is absurd. [[Don't clean your rifle.|clean your rifle.]]<<elseif $cleanrifle is 7>>You do absolutely nothing further with your rifle. You wait about 10 minutes before turning it back in to the armory for another inspection. They accept it. They either didn't see any difference or were just fucking with you to make sure it's as clean as possible. Slave labor. Range is over. GOOD ENDING The worst day of your life, by far, is over. You're getting extra drunk tonight. Fuck. [[Restart]]<</if>>

You start to explain to the LT that you're not actually a part of the PFT, you're just going to the gym. He says, "Nuh uh, Marine. This is the last PFT of the year, and I don't care if you ran it already, everyone here's going to run it just to be safe." An older looking Marine, probably a staff sergeant, starts yelling at the LT that they're all ready. You join them. Whatever. It's not like this is actually going to affect you. Plus, it IS technically a workout. This is what you get for wearing green on green. The staff sergeant is counting pull-ups, and there's a line of Marines waiting. You wait on line. Behind you, the Marine who originally stopped you starts breathing on you, and talking. "Haven't seen you around before, my man. I'm over in the admin supply section. We're basically the grunts of admin. I almost went recon by the way." God this guy's fucking annoying, and he already fucked you over once. "...I mean, I enlisted to kill people, you know? Anyway, I'm Lance Corporal [[Schmuckatelli]]."

Schmuckatelli. Wait, THE Schmuckatelli? It can't be. The legendary Marine responsible for everyone's problems. This guy's the worst so far, but he can't be that bad. It's your turn for pull-ups. You max out. Nice. But Schmuckatelli says, "Staff sergeant, he didn't fully lock-out his arms for those last few. I think we should be fair. The Marine Corps' competitive, after all." It really isn't. We're all here to serve, not to fuck each other over with arbitrary PT standards. The staff sergeant takes off the last few pull-ups. This is bullshit. You move on to crunches. Luckily, you end up the only one without a partner. This is your chance to slip out, unnoticed. But Schmuckatelli notices. He yells, "Oh, do you need a partner? Don't worry, I'll be your partner after we're all done." Now everyone knows you need a partner and you're forced to [[wait around]].

Once everyone finishes, Schmuckatelli partners up with you. "Let's get it, bro." You're not as good at crunches, but you get near the max. The partner always counts for max anyway. No one does less than max. Except Schmuckatelli gives the actual number you did. They need to bring back the firing squad for this guy. Next is the final event, the run. The LT notices you're not wearing a glow belt like everyone else. "Marine, I'm not going to let you run if you don't have a glow belt." It's a track, but whatever. You didn't feel like running today. In fact, you've never felt like running. You're not insane. Schmuckatelli comes fucking RUNNING over. "LT, sir, I brought an extra glow belt JUST in case." Holy shit. The LT's happy. "You're a nice guy, Schmuckatelli. We've had our problems, but you're cool with me." Sure. Everyone's a nice guy if they've done one nice thing. Disregard the DUIs and various other fuckups. And in any case, the LT is out of regs with his black Nike socks, but you NEED a glow belt? [[The run is starting.]]

Running on a track for a PFT is the worst, since it's a gauntlet of passing and being passed by other people for roughly 20 minutes. It looks like the one thing Schmuckatelli is good at, other than being a blue falcon, is running. He's keeping pace with the LT. They both get close to you and start saying some moto shit. "COME ON, start putting out. Pain is weakness leaving the body, RAH." [[Shut the fuck up.]] [[Respectfully shut the fuck up, sir.|pftrun][$fuckyousir to true]] [[Continue running without responding.|pftrun]]

The LT stops. "Excuse me? Article 89, disrespect towards a superior commissioned officer? aka me?" BAD ENDING He finds out what unit you're with and reports you. The LT deserved it. [[Restart]]

<<if $fuckyousir is true>>The LT smiles, and says, "Ha, good one. Sometimes I get a little moto. Keep it up, don't stop!"<<else>>The LT says, "Yep, well, keep it up, don't stop!"<</if>> They run ahead of you. You finish the PFT. You actually did alright. You're finally able to leave. You start heading back to the barracks. You're almost at the barracks when colors start. You sprint as fast as you can to the safety of the barracks so you don't have to stand at attention forever. <<if $fuckyousir is true>>BAD ENDING But Schmuckatelli sees you, and forces you to stand at attention with him and his group of lance coolies. He's doing this because you disrespected an officer. Which doesn't make sense, because the LT didn't care. You just hope there aren't any more Schmuckatellis out there. There couldn't be. The horror...<<else>>GOOD ENDING You safely make it back to the barracks. Just before you enter your room, you see Schmuckatelli and his group of lance coolies standing at attention. Good. Fuck him. And anyone who associates with him. Semper Shitbag.<</if>> [[Restart]]

"That's tomorrow. You know I'm barbecuing for it, right?" Yeah, "barbecuing." He's grilling Great Value burgers with no seasoning, and pretending like he's the Grillmaster at an event no one wants to be at. You need another excuse. [["I'm on duty."]] [["I'm on range."]] [["I have to practice for the birthday ball tonight."]] [["I have a promotion panel."]]<<if $mcmap is false>> [["I have MCMAP."]]<</if>> [["I have a piss test."]]<<if $sapr is false>> [["I have SAPR."][$sapr to true]]<</if>><<if $prime4life is false>> [["I have to teach a class."][$prime4life to true]]<</if>> [["Fuck you."]]

Your phone alarm goes off. It's 0400, and there's a unit hike at 0500.

Get out of bed.
Continue sleeping.