Thursday afternoon.
The public library was always calm at this time of the week. Not that it was a really lively place anyway.
[[That was one of the reasons she liked to come here.|library]]She had a specific destination in mind.
The first few times, she had only explored areas suited for her age, full of colorful children and pre-teens books, ranging from cute educative books to pretty tame scary stories that would still keep her awake some nights.
[[She ventured deeper in the library the more she got used to it.|used to]]The amount of books had been astounding at first. It took her many days, not to say weeks, to get used to the size of the library. The amount of shelves, and the even bigger amount of books stored on them.
But she knew the place now.
She liked to wander in it aimlessly, grabbing random books that caught her interest. Anything could make one of them stand out from the others: its shape, height, color, name... Even the damage on the corner of a cover could be enough to make her grab a new book.
[[Today was not one of those day.|goal]]The library had always been kind of her "special place".
It took her a surprisingly long time to visit it, even if it was on her way home from school. Neither her parents nor her friends read books, so they never triggered her interest.
[[One afternoon though, on a Thursday just like today, she decided to go inside.|inside]]She had been thinking about it for a few days, actually. Even if it was a harmless library, it felt strange for her to even consider going inside.
It was an unusual thought, to want to do such an unusual act.
She was afraid of the side looks, snickers and judgemental whispers that she would get going in. The acquaintances that would see her come out and mock her for visiting this place.
This was bound to happen. She was *sure* of it.
[[Overcoming one's fears for a first time is not an easy task. Fortunately, on a whim, she finally went inside.|overcoming]]She had wandered around other areas, full of wonderful, unknown books and genre.
Plays had been surprising at first, with their strange formatting, but she had enjoyed them. Spooking herself with the first chapter of detective books, picked up depending on the repulsiveness of their covers or their titles, was fun from time to time. She had also skimmed through cheesy romantic fictions, which had made her think.
[[What was love exactly?|love]]She had never really experienced it. Not the way it was described in those cheesy romances she read at the library anyway.
She didn't really like to talk. Especially not to boys. Nor did she like playing with or touching them.
Not that she really disliked it. She just... Didn't care.
The only thing that disgusted her slightly was the idea of kissing them.
And the only thing that disgusted her even more were books where boys and girls would use their tongue while kissing.
[[Erk.|erk]]She was curious though. She had peered deeper into those romantic stories, even leering on the side of erotic ones.
She hadn't read them for long. She felt too embarassed reading them, and the shame she felt at the idea of being caught in the act was overwhelming.
The thing was... If people wrote about it, then they must have liked it, musn't they? It must have had an interest somehow.
[[Those boys and... The things you could do with them.|boys]]That's why she had decided that today, she was not going to wander into the library.
She wouldn't let any bent book or shiny shelf distract her from her goal.
She wanted to know more about boys. [[And so today, she was going to learn.|learn]]She had already tried a lot of things. Reading fictions about boys, reading comics by boys, reading life advice books for boys... After that, she felt like she knew a lot about their personalities and way of thinking. Their social habits, likings and quirks.
A problem remained. Not one line, not one picture out of those books moved her.
She learned about boys, but she did not learn anything about loving them. Something was amiss, and after pondering it for a while, she thought she had finally understood why.
[[She knew what boys had in and on their minds, but not what they looked like.|looks]]Not that she had never seen a boy of course. She had seen dozens of them. She had been through primary school after all, and was soon to enter middle school.
She had seen them, talked with them, even fought them sometimes. But she had never... seen them?
She felt flustered at the idea of finally learning more. Of finally seeing what they were like. [[That's how she was supposed to feel, right?|feels]]She didn't realize, as she was deep into her thoughts, but she was already at the science section of the library.
She was anticipating this discovery with half-anxiety and half... Half...
Half what?
She stopped. She didn't know what was that "what", no matter how she tried to think about it. All she knew was that it didn't feel too good.
She brushed it off. Surely it was because of nervousness. There was no point getting worked up on it.
[[It was time to brace herself and find an anatomy book.|book]]The library had always been extremely tidy. Every book was always at its right place, in the right shelf, and correctly classified in the library's systems. It didn't take her too long to find the kind of book she was looking for. Not long enough to steady her nerves and ready herself, at least.
There was several books on human anatomy.
[[Too many of them.|BOOKS]][[Which one should she pick?|worries]][[None of them stood out like usual.|hesitations]]The more she look at them, the blurrier they got.
[[She started to feel bad.|bad]]She couldn't hesitate anymore.
On an impulse, she took the first one that she could grab and opened it.
[[It was time to learn.|Learn?]]She tried to calm her nerves and glance through the pages as if it was nothing special. Luckily for her, this part of the library was one of the calmest.
Her attention was briefly caught by a few pictures - some pretty normal looking, as a feet seen from the side, others were pretty gross looking, as an in-depth illustration of the muscular system in the forearms -, but none were what she was looking for.
Starting to get fed up, she decided to simply go to the book's table of content and get the information she was looking for.
In a swift movement, she flipped most of the pages, went through said table of content and finally found what she was looking for.
[[The pages referencing male anatomy.|anatomyy]]Her breath became deeper. Her heart pounded heavierly in her chest.
[[She turned the pages.]][[She went a bit too far.]]And a bit too far again, in the other direction.
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath.
Why was she getting so worked up over it? Why couldn't she stay calm and just... get done with it?
There was no point in delaying it. She had to see it, sooner or later. Better do it on her own terms.
She turned the corner of the pages almost feverishly, until she saw the number she was looking for.
[[She took one last breath. And opened the pages she had been looking for.|dick]]She tried not to look directly at it. Really.
She tried to focus on the face of the male drawn on the yellowed page. On his chest, his hands. But her gaze kept going down.
[[And she saw it.|THEDICK]]She stared at it for what felt like an eternity. She couldn't get her gaze off it.
The eternity went on. What was she feeling? Looking for the first time at... this?
She frowned her eyebrows. It just... Didn't make any sense.
The question changed. It wasn't about her current feelings anymore, but what she was supposed to feel.
What was it again? Fluster, excitment, shame?
The more she thought about it, the more she knew.
[[She was feeling none of them.|erection]]She turned the pages, displaying in more details this unknown part of the male anatomy, in different situations.
Nothing. She felt absolutely nothing. Well, she had to be honest, she was perplexed, but this was not what she was expecting to feel.
[[She kept turning the pages, almost bored, and stumbled on female anatomy.|THEBOOBS]]She abruptly stopped turning the pages.
A naked adult woman was drawn before her eyes.
[[And she finally felt it.|blood]]She stopped breathing. Her eyes widened and her mouth twitched.
[[Then she inhaled, slowly. And, as slowly, she took in the picture she was looking at.|realdiscovery]]That time, she didn't try to redirect her gaze. She didn't try to focus on some side areas and advert her eyes from what interested her.
Her chest swelled, her eyelids fluttered.
[[She was looking at a naked female, and she finally felt it. What the books were talking about.|Deeper]]Her mind was blank, but full of thoughts and feelings at the same time.
She raised her hand, not as steadily as she would have liked. Put it on the corner of the page.
[[Turned it, as slowly as she could.|nope]]No. No, she couldn't see more.
[[Not today.|hehe]]She suddenly closed the book, her hearts pounding in her chest and her head, and put the book back in its place.
Starting to feel really embarassed, she turned her heels and escaped the library as quickly as she could.
[[She tried to collect her toughts, focusing her vision on her shoes slamming down on the pavement.|end]]She couldn't completely grasp what just happened. It didn't go as she thought it would.
But she knew, deep inside herself, that she had learned something important today.
[[(restart?)|start]]