Him

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nTuesday, September 22nd 2015\n\nI saw him again today, but you'll never guess what happened! I beat myself up over not at least __trying__ to talk to him after I got home last night, but today I went back to the coffee shop and HE WAS THERE.\n\nThat's not even the best part! HE TALKED TO ME!!! I was snug in my usual corner spot when he saw me [[AND WALKED OVER AND SAT DOWN!!]] I literally thought I was dead. In what universe would someone that attractive want to sit with me? This one apparently! \n\nHe said his name was Kurt and that he was a student too. His major is [[psychology]] though, but he was really interested when I explained [[my major]] to him.\n\nHe even asked me to meet him again on Friday for the karaoke bar! [[I said yes, of course]]!

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nIt was a pretty blue dress, but I burned it a few days ago. I just hated what it turned me into. To be honest, I may never wear another dress again. It reminds me of him too much. I never stopped wearing dresses after that night because I felt I needed to be //presentable// for that ass. I had to look good for him and that was what I honestly believed.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nWednesday, December 31st 2015\n\nIt was cold outside, but I had no other choice. I sat outside Ruth's door the whole day, hoping she'd come out. I never really thought about how Ruth could've gone home for the holidays. It never crossed my mind.\n\nI think the landlady was the one who made the first move, though. [[She saw me]] sitting next to Ruth's door all day. When I was still there late that night, [[she went to her office]].\n\nThen, Ruth's door opened. She hadn't changed much. Her hair was longer and there were dark spots under her eyes, but she was still Ruth. [[She told me to come in]].

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nWhen I say that I loved him, I don't mean the man I met at the coffee shop. No, I never loved him. I only cared about the man that he resembled and that was what got me into this mess. Though, at this point, I couldn't tell you why I ever loved either one, but I did. I suppose it was because he -they?- was everything when I had nothing.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nYeah, no, chivalry's more than dead. It's pretty much //un//dead by this point. There's nothing left of it but a living corpse, slowly rotting and decomposing, stinking up the air the rest of us have to breathe.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nThe worst mistake I ever made, to be sure. Maybe things would've turned out differently if I had listened, or at the very least hadn't sent her away.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nThursday, January 1st 2016\n\nRuth still hasn't asked me about anything yet. She said the New Year wasn't a time for that. She said the New Year was a day for resolutions and hope and she wasn't going to make exceptions. She said I should make some resolutions, so here I am, writing in my diary with her sitting beside me writing on a piece of paper what she wants to do this year. Apparently, I have to show her what I want to change and she'll show me hers. So, here's my list:\n\n1. To never take Ruth for granted again\n2. To forget <strike>Leo</strike> <strike>Kurt</strike> [[both]]\n3. To heal? I might not be ready for this. I still have so much pain and rage in me, I'm not sure I can do this one yet.\n4. To go back to normal, not that I'm even sure what that is anymore. Maybe I could just start with [[calling my parents]].\n\nShe showed me her list and it was all mundane stuff like losing weight and eating healthier, except for the last one. It read:\n\n//__Never give up on my best friend__//\n\nI stared at it for awhile and when I looked up, Ruth was giving me some instense gaze that I have no idea how to classify. It was like she was trying to tell me everything without a word. I think, maybe, I understood [[some of it]].

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nMonday, September 21st 2015\n\nI honestly [[don't know what to say]].\n\nI was at that [[obscure coffee shop]] downtown, you know, the one I always went to before [[class]] started. I ordered my coffee and moved over to wait for it to be made with the other not-morning people. It was while I was standing there among the soulless (read:coffee-less) that I saw him.\n\nIt was Leo exactly. I wasn't sure how, but I couldn't mistake his eyes anywhere, gray as [[a coming storm]] and exactly like his. I thought I'd have a [[heart attack]] when I saw him standing there and I thought I had died when he turned and looked at [[me]].\n\nI was speechless. I wasn't sure whether to __[[approach him|approach][$bravery + 2]]__ or __[[duck away|duck][$bravery + 0]]__.

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery>>\n<<endsilently>>\nThe blue, underlined choice(s) in entries change your path. The blue links without underlining are details related to the entry-- some of them impact the story. The last blue link in each entry goes to the next one. Purple links have been visited previously. You cannot go back to previous entries once you've moved forward.\n\n[[Begin]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nI almost want to laugh at this bullshit. I should've known better. He was just faking it the whole time. It sucks to see how easy I was to fool.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nMonday, December 28th 2015\n\nIf only I had stayed away from him from the beginning. If I had just continued to avoid him and let my shyness get the best of me, if I hadn't ever gone back to that coffee shop, maybe I'd be okay. \n\nIf only I had never [[loved him]].\n\nI still remember what it was like when he [[noticed me]]. Thinking about it now makes me gag.

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nEnglish with a creative writing focus, where I basically learn how to be flat broke when I get out of college. I'll probably have to get a job at a publishing company or something. Maybe I could teach English? Only time will tell I guess.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

Dear [[Diary]]

I almost want to laugh at the irony. I wonder if he wants to be a therapist to subtly ruin people like he ruined me. He is literally learning how to hurt people and getting college credit for it. I remember I saw he had an entire textbook about emotional abuse.\n\nI guess he wanted to try it out on me. Maybe his plan was to 'fix' me afterwards to prove he could.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nI tried all our old hangout spots and her apartment too, but she wasn't there. The landlady said she had moved, but she seemed guilty when she looked at me, so I'm not buying it. I have to find her. She's all I've got left.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nThe landlady even brought me a blanket when she saw me shivering. She really was a nice woman. She looked at me like she somehow understood what was going on. \n\nMaybe she saw the fading bruise that stretched across my cheek.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nTuesday, September 22nd 2015\n\nI'm so glad I went and talked to him. I don't know where I got the courage for it, but maybe it was just [[destiny]] or something. Who knows? \n\nAnyway, his name is Kurt and he's a [[psychology]] major. He's actually [[really nice]] and he even seeemed interested when I explained [[my own major|my major]] to him. \n\nHe asked if I wanted to meet up Friday night for the kaoraoke bar. [[I said yes, of course]]. I'm soooooo excited! I can't wait to tell Ruth about this!!!!

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nI haven't spoken to them since I met <strike>Leo</strike> Kurt, not even after the debacle that made me leave him. I had been afraid they'd react much the same as Ruth. Paranoia kept me from answering any of their calls and texts. I'm nearly willing to bet they've called Ruth to see if I was okay. I wonder what she told them. I wonder if they're worried about me.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nFriday, January 2nd 2016\n\nI'm sorry if there are a lot of tear stains on this page. I'm just //so// happy. Ruth finally asked me what happened after I had gotten together with <strike>Leo</strike> <strike>Kurt</strike> that asshole. I told her [[everything]].\n\nI told her about [[why I left]].

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nI only ever saw him through a [[screen]], but his deep gray eyes held so much emotion it seemed strange that he wasn't [[real]]. Whenever the screen lit up with his [[face]]... Well, my heart would start to break knowing he'd never see me.\n\nThat is, [[until he did]].

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nAbout the empty sickness in my stomach when he talks and the ache at my jaw when I think about him and the panic I feel when he tries to call me, about losing who I am, about losing her, about failing my classes, about my delusions, about the paranoia, about the shame, about //everything//. I needed her to understand, so I told her everything even though it felt like I'd been shoved in a washer and sent through an intense rinse cycle or loosely strapped into an out-of control rollercoaster.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nThere's was never anyone I <strike>loved</strike> liked as much as [[Leo]].

It was literally just called, "A Coffee Shop". A lot of nerds liked to go there because it was quiet and the walls were painted with silhouettes of cartoon and video game characters. Some of the drinks and food items were even named after TV show references like the Fire-Bender Burger.\n\nThe place becomes a kaoraoke bar on Friday nights. I had never gone before, though I had heard there's always at least one rendition of the Pokemon Theme Song, so I wasn't against it as a first date.\n\nI wish I had been.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nThose weren't the only classes I skipped that semester. In fact, I'm gonna have to ask for a late withdrawl now that I failed all of them. It'll probably take me another semester or two to graduate now.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

Him

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nThursday, September 24th 2015\n\nI [[skipped classes]] today to go shopping. I needed to [[get something to wear]] for my date tomorrow! I'm so excited, but also really nervous. Maybe Kurt will want a second date, or for me to be his girlfriend! I'm so excited I could scream.\n\nI just have to make sure [[I don't mess it up]]. I want him to like me, so I've gotta [[make sure everything goes right]].

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nMonday, December 28th 2015\n\nIf only I had stayed away from him from the beginning. I don't know what came over me. I wasn't the type of girl to approach a guy, [[no matter how attractive]] he might be.\n\nI guess this just proves my theory that there are human sirens, calling out to poor helpless college girls and then __destroying__ them from the inside out.\n\n[[Or something like that.]]

He was only a video game character after all, but then again, maybe he was as real as anyone else.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nIt should've been a red flag that I was already more concerned with what he thought than what he would act like and whether I would like him. I wasn't concerned with that at the time, though.\n[[back|previous()]]

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nWednesday, September 23rd 2015\n\nI am __so pissed__ at Ruth today. What is wrong with her? Why can't she be happy for me?\n\nI told her about my date with <strike>Leo</strike> Kurt on Friday, but she just dismissed it. She said it was dangerous to be going to bars with strangers! I don't know who she thinks she is! She doesn't even have a boyfriend, so [[what does she know]]?\n\nWhatever, it doesn't matter because [[I sent her packing]]. I told her if she wouldn't support me then I don't know why [[she was my friend]].

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Everything, more than I did, but I didn't listen. That was my downfall.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

Computer screen, TV screen, phone screen, whatever screen I had, he was on it. Why wouldn't he be? He was my favorite character ever after all. Though, I suppose I was a bit obsessive about him.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery -= 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nIn fact, the likelihood of me approaching a guy inversely correlated with his level of attractiveness. The more attractive the guy, the less likely it was I would ever even consider approaching him. I guess I was just, I don't know, mesmerized at the time or something. Maybe I thought it was a dream? Only G-d knows, I guess.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

Computer Science at 8:30am, oh joy. Unfortunately, I had to take it again after everything that happened. Maybe I wouldn't be so bitter about the time if it was just a half hour later... or an hour... or five hours. Basically, not so early in the morning that I want to either gut someone or throw up.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

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Yeah, sure, it was my //destiny// to be treated like crap. Sounds great. If this was destiny, then the universe has a sick sense of humor.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery += 2>>\n<<endsilently>>\nBrown hair, brown eyes, both plain as dirt, and skin that desperately called for the outdoors yet rebelled against it. I think I had even still had a sunburn on my shoulder from my last trip out in the sun. Honestly, I was so average looking, a genetics statician would probably use me as an image for 'average white girl'.\n\nMy mother liked strange names though, so my name isn't as average-white-girl as I am. It's Ophelia. Most people just call me Lia.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nIn the end, they're one and the same. Leo is my delusion of Kurt, what made me believe he was so great. One is a game character from my childhood and one made me lose any innocence I had left, but they did it together in a way. \n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<silently>>\n<<$bravery += 1>>\n<<endsilently>>\nI think she probably called Ruth on the office phone. I thought I may have heard some sniffling too, but I couldn't quite make out what was being said or done.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nAnd leave him, I did.\n\n[[ End|end of demo]]

I am really getting tired of seeing me write in caps like a thirteen year old girl. Jesus, what was wrong with me?\n\n[[back|previous()]]

Oh, how right I was. I never could've seen the kind of natural disaster I was walking into. It was worse than any regular lightning storm. It was a hurricane, and not one of those pathetic category 1's that people still drive to the store in. \n\n[[back|previous()]]

I hope you enjoyed the game! Would you like to [[restart|Start]]?

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nTuesday, December 29th 2015\n\nI tried to visit Ruth today, to let her know I wasn't with that asshole anymore, to let her know she had been right, but [[she wasn't there]]. I need to find her, to make her understand that I wasn't in my right mind.\n\nStill, it's been about 4 months since I last spoke to her. For all I know, she wants nothing to do with me anymore.\n\nI can't give up though. [[She's my best friend]].

Though, I guess that in itself is saying something considering I'm a writer, and so I usually know exactly what to say--or at least I like to think so.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

He had slick black hair and gray eyes like storm clouds, a sharp chin and upturned nose, and each time he smiled I nearly swooned. Maybe that's slightly ridiculous, but I was in love, okay? Trust me when I say I regret it now.\n\n[[back|previous()]]

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nSunday, December 27th 2015\n\n<<if $bravery >= 4>>It hurts, it hurts, it //hurts//. To be honest I don't even know if I'm referring to my heart or my could-be-broken jaw, but //it hurts// and I just want it to stop, wanted //him// to stop, Leo or Kurt or whoever the hell he is.\n\nI just wanted to call my parents. They've been leaving messages hoping I would finally talk to them and I felt secure enough in my relationship now to call them.\n\nAnd then he said no. I asked why and he didn't give me a //real// answer, just some crap about wanting to spend time with me and how my parents would try to separate us. I tried to tell him they wouldn't and that even if they did I wouldn't let them, but he just kept talking absolute //bullcrap// and when I grabbed my phone to call them anyway, he //punched// me! \n\nEverything was silent for a moment and then he began babbling, apologizing, but I just looked at him, suddenly seeing crystal clear. For a moment, my delusions of Leo vanished and I saw Kurt, the manipulative asshole I'd been dating who had just punched me. I looked past his pathetic form to the mirror behind him, to see me, the girl who was going to [[leave him]].<<else>>It hurts, it hurts, it //hurts//. To be honest I don't even know if I'm referring to my heart or my could-be-broken jaw, but //it hurts// and I just want it to stop, wanted //him// to stop, Leo or Kurt or whoever he is. I'm crying and I just want it all to stop.\n\nI just wanted to call my parents. They've been leaving messages hoping I would finally talk to them and I've been feeling overwhelmingly guilty about ignoring them. I was just going to let them know I was still alive and okay.\n\nAnd then he said no. I asked why and he started begging me not to, that they'd try to take me away from him. I tried to tell him they wouldn't and that even if they did I was sure he wouldn't let them, but he just kept begging me not to and when I grabbed my phone to offer it to him as a sign of peace, he, he //punched// me.\n\nEverything was silent for a moment and then he began babbling, apologizing, but I just looked at him, suddenly seeing crystal clear. For a moment, my delusions of Leo vanished and I saw Kurt, the manipulative asshole I'd been dating who had just punched me square in the jaw. Had I actually loved this man? Let him manipulate me? \n\nWas I strong enough to leave him?\n\nYes. [[I was|leave him]].<<endif>>

<<playsound "page-flip-03.mp3" >>\nFriday, September 25th 2015\n\n<strike>Leo</strike> Kurt was a perfect gentleman. Our date was so great and he was just so nice, it was just so much more than I'd expected. I'd honestly never been on a date before, but now I know what to expect. \n\nHe was just perfect though. <strike>Leo</strike> Kurt is just so smooth. He held the door for me and said, "Ladies shouldn't have to open heavy doors." Maybe [[chivalry]] isn't dead! He helped me decide what to eat too, which is great because I can be really indecisive. \n\nHe even complimented the [[dress|get something to wear]] I had bought for our date. He said I'd probably look even better in red though, so maybe if we have another date, I should buy a red dress to wear for him. I just really, REALLY want him to like me.\n\nI asked if he wanted to do kaoraoke with me, but he said it was lame, so I decided it was best not to. Making a good first impression was more important than doing kaoraoke.\n\nI just hope I sounded __[[interesting|choice2][$bravery + 2]]__ and not __[[really dumb|choice2][$bravery - 1]]__.\n

Rebecca Anisman

I lost my breath and felt like my chest had been compressed all of a sudden. It was terrifying. My head felt light-headed and I almost thought I was going to die until warmth bloomed from my chest and I realized my heart was pounding, hard and fast but still going.\n\n[[back|previous()]]