the vast majority of therapy i've received has been explicitly oriented towards returning me to a state of normative productivity, whether that be social, educational, or employment-related

my first experience of this was when i was a kid: it was marked out as a problem that i didn't have enough friends, it was assumed that what was upsetting to me about my environment was not knowing how to be integrated into an (in their eyes) appropriate friend group, basically, that underneath it all everyone inherently desires to be normal

anyways, i'm still not sure what that arbitrary point of reaching a normal social life is, but it does give me something to be evaluated as a failure at, same as endless testing (which i ended up being alright at, in most cases) or life milestones and career goals i'm supposed to want

obviously within a capitalist system, there are certain benefits in terms of financial stability and independence to increasing the employment level of notoriously un and under-employed groups, and ive appreciated this when i had it

but im not going to fight anyone to be employed, and im not going to compromise anything more than my 9-5, max.

is this giving up? is this "bad for my career?"

the thing about people _actually_ spreading a novel respiratory infection in pursuit of diminishingly appealing career opportunities is that it makes literal how the pursuit of a career usually works in a creative field anyways, you have to push others out of the way (distinguish yourself from the crowd), fight for scraps (pursue opportunities), and compromise on developing your own beliefs and aesthetic sense for the sake of a lowest common denomonator (make yourself marketable!)"

a dialectic of "selling out" can allow you to start to build your own sense of collaborations and compromises that are strategic, and which ones just destroy the cultural scene you're participating in

but these days it's just sell sell sell, everything else is suspicious or sacrificed without question

"the social is predicated on its exclusions"

"low unemployment is bad for business"

etc etc

why sell off the one thing i really have, the inside of my head, if i don't need to?

"collaborating" has rarely interested me, and yet it seems more and more like the price of admission to an increasingly professionalized and career oriented cultural space. jams are team-based, you have to create a legible set of portfolio pieces that show your specific "role," and funding is parcelled out into big project budgets that maybe go into giving a few contributors a few months of wages or a decent freelance check at some point, rather than just directly funding people taking the time to make something

why the lack of faith in any sort of generative cultural ideas? people will say that working together is a good way to "build community" or whatever, but that seems like a false front to me. a book club reading a novel that was written by someone toiling in obscurity for a decade can create just as interesting conversations and significant bonds.

i love really generative conversations with people. i love using tools my friends have developed and turning them on to things they end up getting inspired by. i love domino club because it is so free-associative; you don't need to "join a team," but people are happy to share tools and resources and ideas if you ask, and the impressive solo work exists alongside the amazing collaborations

if we can create that for each other why compromise?

if you don't have faith in your own ideas, imo just get out of the way or at least question why you default to (or accept the default of) working in this way, and approaching others in this manner

"access" is a two way street.

professional culture makes a big deal about improving their accessibility affordances for people who have been systematically excluded from the (let's be honest) social networks and practices that determine employment, or for seeking out those who have been excluded

but they are getting "access" to your perspective, and what you're capable of as well

and at this point in my life i would much rather keep that to myself, and enjoy making something truly weird with it, than be roped into flattening myself out for some little dictator's vanity project that is (silicon valley startup executive voice) "super gay, and super anticolonialist"

if they don't get it, they don't get it

so thanks for thinking of me, but no :)