Prologue
Pain. Pain. I can feel it’s sensation seeping through my body. I bite onto my lips and clench my fists as I stare at myself in the mirror. Today, I had multiple new bruises over my body again. Some parts of my skin are turning blackish while some are turning purplish blue due to the old bruises which result from “the devil” whipping session.
However, all these can’t compare to how much it is hurting me on the inside. I miss my father, I miss how he was the only person on earth who actually cared for me.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/xNM6Kpq.png" width="256" height="286">
7 years ago, on a dark and stormy night, Mom and I were preparing dinner while waiting for my dad’s arrival. Suddenly, our <<link "house phone rang">> <<audio phoneringprologuesound play>> <</link>> and I quickly ran to pick it up.
“Are you the family of Mr. Charles Chen?”
“Yes, I’m his son.”
“I’m sorry, but your father was involved in an accident and passed away on the spot.”
I can still clearly remember hearing those words, breaking me in the process. Until this day, the scar of that day never healed. Since then, I hardly spoke to anyone. Most of the time. I find living in solitude to be my saving grace and find no interest in interacting with anyone anymore.
[[Next|2]]
3 years later, mom suddenly brought a man back to our house. She introduced him as Mr. James Kong, my new dad, also known as “Stepfather”.
“Ben, this man will take care of us from now on.” said my mother to me.
My mother only received primary education, which made it challenging for her to find a good proper job in this competitive environment to support the family’s daily expenses. According to what mom said, James had a proper job and can provide us with a better life.
Unfortunately, things didn’t go as smoothly as what mom had told me. Although James has a proper job, his earnings aren't stable but this doesn’t stop him from binding to his bad habits, which are gambling and smoking.
The longer he stayed with us, the more he revealed his true colors. A few months later, his attitudes and behaviors started to change and that is where all my tortures begin. One day when James came back from gambling, he barged into my room drunk and he started cursing at me.
“YOU’RE A FXXKING USELESS BRAT. WHAT CAN YOU DO OTHER THAN SPENDING ALL MY MONEY”
“YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED WITH YOUR FATHER, THEN I CAN ENJOY A LIFE WITH YOUR MOTHER WITHOUT YOU”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/XQw6uui.png" width="420" height="256">
The verbal abuse isn’t much, it worsens when he started hitting me with anything in his hand like a <<link "belt">> <<audio beltsound play>> <</link>> or a clothes hanger. He once gave me a permanent scar as he hit me with an empty beer bottle on my back. What hurts me most is however my mother’s attitude, she pretended she didn’t hear my call for help, she never helped me, not even once.
[[Next|3]]
<<masteraudio stop>>She did not save me, not because she didn’t care about me, but she’s also powerless and needs to be financially dependent on my stepfather. Whenever “the devil” started abusing me, she just pretended like nothing ever happened and this made my stepfather's abuse grow more and more severe as days went by. That time, I was only 15. I was powerless. Weak. There was nothing I could do. All I could do is just bear with it.
I lifted up my shirt and my fingers ran through all the scars litter all over my body. These scars always remind me about everything that had happened under this roof for a lifetime. The place that once gave me joy and security, had changed into the place that haunts me forever.
Escape. Escape. Escape. The word “Escape” floods my thoughts every single day. I have to escape from this place. I have long lost my only other support, my mother. There is no more reason for me to stay here. I have to survive. I have to SAVE MYSELF. That’s when it struck me. What if I can study overseas? I’d have to work hard, but if I can pull it off, I can escape this hellhole without ever looking back. YES. This can work. THIS WILL WORK.
[[Next|Part 1]]Part 1
This journey isn’t exactly easy because there was still abuse that happens every single day and the finals are approaching in a month’s time. My mother managed to convince James to let me finish my finals and James screamed at her and warned me.
I can’t really say that the journey would be easy, especially with him “accompanying” me everyday, plus the facts that the finals are coming in a month’s time. Someway, somehow, my mother managed to convince James to leave me be so that I can finish my finals. Although he did agree, I could hear him roar from across the room.
“IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS FINALS, YOU WILL BE DEAD BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN BEG FOR HELP!”
This threat ringed into my ears. Fear of failing, fear of my door being opened against my will, and seeing his shadow crept into my room. I can hear his taunts and verbal abuses repeating in my head like a broken radio. All these racing thoughts swarmed my head, often distracting me from studying. When it’s getting severe, I started to have continuous sleepless nights for about 3 to 4 days in a week and the weird thing is, I don’t feel tired at all even though I didn’t have enough sleep. I’m always feeling very energetic and had many plans coming out in my mind during those long sleepless nights. I need to figure out a way to escape from this hellhole.
[[Next|Part 1.2]] Choice 1
It was a hard choice to be made but I am not going to surrender. After a few days of consideration, I decided to be strong and determined to pursue my dreams of becoming a doctor in the future.
“YOU FUXXKING USELESS BRAT!! YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED!! I WILL WAIT TO SEE HOW YOU FAIL! YOU’RE FUXXKING BRAINLESS FOR NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!!!! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!! GET OUT!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/igrr2GC.jpg" width="386" height="256">
As expected, James snarled at me when I told him my decision. He shouted so loud at me I can even feel a transient deafness ringing in my ears. When I saw James stand up from his desk chair and run to me holding his empty wine bottle in his hand, I bolted out through the door of my house.
“YOU BETTER NOT COME BACK AND DIE OUTSIDE!!” James continued to growl endlessly behind me.
My eyes were getting wet. I can feel tears rolling down my cheek. I was so nervous and panicked, but luckily he didn’t chase after me. Yes, I’ve learned how to protect myself after all these years suffering from his abuses. I might not have enough strength to fight back, but at least I know how to escape a sticky situation.
[[Next|C1.2]]Choice 2
Weighing between uninterested business-related courses versus money problems, money problems seems more of a burden as I’m just 18 years old. If choosing a business-related course can save me too without worrying about the need to keep looking after my finances while studying for my future, it will also be a good choice of escape.
And if I can’t get into the doctor school, I will have to face continuous torture by James. If I choose the business course, it still gives me a chance to escape from here and make another change for my life.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/dM6CcMb.jpg" width="386" height="256">
As the days go by, I slowly see all the benefits if I enter university with James’s financial aids. I found James in the living room with my mother, grabbing the university offer brochure which offers me a study of business-related courses.
“Alright, I’ll take the business related course like you said.”
“Good. You finally listened to me.”
James chuckled at my decision and he picked up the brochure I placed on the table. He looked through all the courses provided and scan through all of it.
“ I think Actuarial Science and Finance is a good choice. I shall help you register your course and dormitory tomorrow and I will drop you off to your dormitory the week before.”
I nod my head as approval of his arrangement.
That…… was the first time I see him smile at me…..
[[Next|C2.1]]
The next few days, thanks to my luck, James was not home. It’s normal for him to disappear for a few days when he decides that it’s time for him to gamble the night away. These hard earned peaceful days are so precious to me. I locked myself in my room and drew out a planner to achieve my dream step by step. I had filled up many application forms to apply for scholarships and study loans. I also joined many part-time or full-time groups to look for suitable jobs in which I can earn my tuition fees and daily living expenses. Fortunately, providence does not let down the man who does his best. I finally received a full scholarship from V university after passing the scholarship interview.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/ns6Lcs3.jpg" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|c1.3]]Few months have passed. It is finally the day where I can check in to the dormitory in Kuala Lumpur, starting my brand new life. I knew the path that what I chose is far from easy, however I have no regrets. Upon entering my hostel room,I saw a guy with a short, bronze curly hair sitting on the other bed which is opposite to an empty bed. He welcomed me with a big smile on his face and shook his hand firmly with me.
“Hi, I’m Antonio! I’m a Psychology Year 2 Semester 2 student here. Nice to meet you!”
“Ah...Hi….hi, hmm…..I...I...am Benjamin...I’m a new student, nice….nice…. to meet you…..”
Feeling shy, I replied to him with an awkward smile and quickly looked down on the floor, avoiding any eye contact with him.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/1yJu0PN.png" width="386" height="256">
“Come on bro, you don’t have to be shy. It’s not like I eat people or something!”
Antonio laughed and tapped my shoulder gently. Then he offered to help me on tidying the room and settled down with my luggages.
[[Next|c1.4]]After settling down, I felt relieved. Freedom, a feeling that I had long forgotten, and it felt like bliss. Apparently my new roommate is a helpful and friendly guy, and I can see that he is very optimistic. His contagious smile somehow sweeps away the dark gloomy side of my heart. It made me feel like my decision was right. It didn’t took too long until I got along with Antonio but he mentioned that sometimes I blurted out some irrelevant speeches which he couldn’t understand and also said that I’ve been extra talkative, especially when my mood is elevated. He also noticed that my mood fluctuate quite frequently. However, I found myself not being able to control my own behaviors and I often done them unconsciously. However, my imperfection didn’t affect my friendship with Antonio as he was truly a caring and understanding friend. He still treat me well even with my flaws.
Everything in my university life went on smoothly. I managed to get a part time job as a cashier in the cafeteria of my new university. I need to work for 5 days in a week. My daily schedule is fully packed from 6am to 7pm. Any break that I got, I’d be working in the cafeteria. Luckily the boss of the cafeteria, a generous middle-aged man, gave free lunch for us, so that helped me in reducing my daily expenses. Then, after all that, I would do revision in my room and sleep at 12am. My new life was so disciplined, peaceful and perfect. I felt so grateful for everything I had at that very moment.
[[Next|c1.5]]It was a hectic Friday after work, I was dragging my tired body back home from work and I received a message from Antonio,
“Hey Benjamin, are you heading home yet? I brought you some food and I have some friends to introduce you.”
“Sure, i’m on the way back!” I quickly replied and continued to walk back to the dormitory. Ever since coming to university, I have only been close to Antonio and didn’t blend in very well with anyone else. As for coursemates, I only texted them and maintained minimal communication. To me, Antonio is like a big brother that God sent to save me. He never failed to cheer me up with his flattering personality. His presence is like a lighthouse shining and navigating me on my path. I can feel that I’m slowly healing from my miserable past experiences.
When I finally stepped into the dormitory, I could hear <<link "a lot of laughter and chitchats">> <<audio CrowdTalkingsound play>> <</link>> in the room. I <<link "opened the door">> <<audio Dooropensoundp6sound play>> <</link>> to see the table full of food with Antonio at the side and there was a girl and a boy beside him. To my surprise, both of them share the exact same faces.
[[Next|part 2]]Part 2
“ You must be Benjamin! What’s up bro! I’m Noah and this is my “beloved” twin sister Nora. Nora here is in the same faculty with you while I’m in the same course as Antonio”
His excitement surprised me because he was all cheery and talkative, which was also true for Nora. And here I thought Antonio was very energetic, but boy do they blew him out of the waters.
We ended up having a dinner party as they all went for a food shopping spree at the night market, bringing back all kinds of street snacks. This is the first time I felt comfortable with so many people around, and I felt happy being surrounded by them. I was able to laugh comfortably, say whatever I wanted, and just have a good time.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/frDxOKe.png" width="386" height="256">
Ever since that night, I slowly became close friends with three of them. We spent a lot of our time together by having lunch or dinner together or studying together in the library. Sometimes, we also went shopping together during the weekends. With their presence, I no longer feel lonely in the university. It felt like I had a group of siblings in the university. Among the three of them, I think I’m closest to Nora, because I always wanted a little sister since I was young. We also shared a lot of similar views and we always enjoyed playing the same games together. Thanks to all the happy moments, time flew really fast and it was already at the end of the second semester. One day, Noah suddenly surprised us with a suggestion.
[[Next|P2.2]]Actuarial Science and Finance, something new and something challenging. Yet, I am trying to make everything feel more positive about this new life in the university. Actuarial Science and Finance, has been known as one of the most stressful courses out there but I am okay with it as long I got the chance to leave the hell hole and study somewhere far from home.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/dwlbJ7h.png" width="386" height="256">
It was the day to check into my dormitory and the orientation was in 2 days. I got the notice from the receptionist lady that I will be sharing my room with a guy named Antonio who is from Penang. Checking into my dormitory, James decided to drop me off as he mentioned to my mother that this is “A Father and Son Moment”.
“I’m warning you. Never tell anyone about what happened back at Perak or I will immediately cancel your studies and bring you back there.”
I nod my head and get out of the car while dragging along my luggage, backpack, and an extra box of stuff. I watched as James slowly drove away. I sighed while lifting my luggage to the receptionist of the dormitory.
[[Next|C2.2]]I walked to the receptionist table where there is this lady who is chatting on her phone. I took out my dormitory documents which I got from the mail 3 days ago. Finally reaching the window, the lady immediately placed down her phone and looked at me.
“Hello dear, what’s your name? Do you have the documents?”
I smiled back while passing her the documents as she went through them to make sure all of the documents are correct. She opened her drawer and picked up a bunch of keys and a key card.
“Alright, this key is for your dorm door and locker. The keycard is for the security door which you always need to carry with you. Oh, Antonio! “
I turn to see a guy who is definitely older than me and with a whole bag of snacks and groceries. He lifts his head to look at the reception lady.
[[Next|C2.3]]“Antonio, this is Benjamin and he’s your new roommate. Maybe you can show him around if you’re free?”
That’s how my meeting with Antonio happened. He’s a very friendly roommate. Well there are only two of us anyway, but at least I enjoyed talking to him in our room. He showed me around the school a day before classes started and showed me a few places which sold some cheap but delicious food.
Days living with Antonio gave me some sort of peace with I never experience before. It gave me sudden rush of happiness and excitement to survive in university and won’t see James again.
This kind of excitement did however got me lost in the moment where I slowly realised I get easily distracted. What I didn’t realised was I would overshop things I don’t think is necessary.
“I didn’t know you are a shopping spree kind of person.”
That moment went by quite fast and I didn’t quite gave any importance to it.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/1yJu0PN.png" width="386" height="256">
Then, on a Thursday evening, when I was doing my assignment, I got a text from Antonio,
“Hey Benjamin, you okay if I bring my friends in? They are all nice and I’ll make sure they won’t disturb you.”
I texted him back with an “okay, sure” and was about to get back on my assignment but then I heard a <<link "knock on the door">> <<audio Doorknockingp9sound play>> <</link>>
which startled me. Antonio couldn’t be the one because he just called me. As the <<link "door creaked open">> <<audio DoorCreakingp9sound play>> <</link>>, I can see two people with similar faces smiling and Antonio at the back carrying a bunch of snacks.
[[Next|part 2]] “Hey guys, listen up! We’ve known each other for quite some time but we never got to hold a short trip together. I have the perfect idea! How about we head to the forest waterfall behind our school for a short getaway after our final examination? I heard the scenery there are extremely amazing! We can go swimming and have a picnic there.”
Noah suggested out of the blue and it immediately got shoutouts of approval from Antonio and Nora. A day out to somewhere swimming? This made me panic and my thoughts were driving all around my head,
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/sttfZCQ.png" width="386" height="256">
‘Will they see my scars?’ ‘Will they ask about my past?’ ‘Will they judge me for who I am?’ ‘Will they report to any lecturers if they found out about my scars?’
“BENJAMIN!!!!
A scream of my name brought me back to reality. I looked to see Antonio, Noah and Nora looking at me while giving me concern looks.
“Yeah? Sorry?”
“You seem lost in your thoughts for a moment there. We are asking if you wanna join us for the trip?”
Should I?
[[Join them for the trip and decide to have some fun with them. Will insist upon wearing a shirt while swimming so they won’t find out about the scars]]
[[Make up an excuse of having to finish some assignments and that you can’t join them for the trip. This is so that I can hide my scars.]]Choice 1
It was the day of the picnic. Antonio and I are in charge of the drinks and utensils for the picnic while Noah and Nora will prepare the different meals for us to have. We will meet up at our dormitory entrance and we head to the forest waterfall.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/ZT8nPEU.png" width="386" height="256">
Walking to the waterfall took around 15 minutes and the scenery was breathtaking. It made me reminisce about the days where dad used to bring me to the beach nearby our house, but when James came by, I was on a repeat routine every day between home and school.
We found a good spot after wandering for a while,where we placed our stuffs for the picnic while able to swim. Once we placed our stuffs, Antonio and Noah immediately jumped into the water while I helped Nora to organise our bags.
[[Next|P2.C1.2]]Choice 2
I made an excuse for an assignment, which they accepted without prying any further, promising me that they will show me the pictures there. I smiled at them, and felt both guilty and happy at the same time. Guilty because I lied to them, happy because they are thinking about how to share the joy and care with me.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/CepSvOM.png" width="386" height="256">
Though Nora ended up joining me because she ended up with her unexpected menstrual period and unable to join the guys because of the terrible cramps. Worried about her sister’s safety, Noah asked for my help to take care of Nora and I promised to look after her and that was the last push Antonio needed to drag him there.
Nora was sleeping on Antonio’s bed while I was busy writing up my assignment paper while monitoring Nora from time to time. It’s an unusual act of mine where I cared for someone, but I finally felt important for once, which gave me a sense of relief.
[[Next|P2.C2.2]]“You can follow them and go swim Benjamin, I don't mind.”
“It’s fine. I wanna help”
As we set everything up, we ended up swimming and playing together. I got to keep my shirt up with nobody questioning it,and that made me feel safe knowing that no one would judge. Thinking back, all of my best days were with my dad, and today I can add it to my collections of good memories.
The day ended as we were heading back to our dormitory, all laughing while still partially soaking wet. I can find happiness with these people and I totally hope that this could last forever and not that old house of torture.
[[Next]] Noon time came by fast and I thought I should go buy lunch before Nora wakes up. I was probably feeling proud or happy that I was caring for someone, I brought food which I thought Nora would love to eat without second thoughts. After buying, I ran back to the dorm to see a woken-up Nora. Her eyes widen at the bag in my hand
“Wow, why did you buy so much? This can feed almost 4 of us?”
I scratch my head as I was embarrassed as the sudden impulse of buying without thinking. Nora ate the food and I can see that she was feeling better. After the meal, Nora asked me to play games with her that she brought along with her. I reluctantly agree and attached it to my PC for a larger sceen view.
We had a great afternoon where we played nonstop. I wondered if this is how having siblings felt like, having fun and not worrying about life struggles. Nora gave me a sense of joy just like how others shared with me too. She resembled my dad, carefree, always happy.
[[Next]]<img src="https://i.imgur.com/D6DPJ6x.png" width="386" height="256">
On another day in the evening, Antonio texted us to meet up for dinner as usual at the dormitory entrance, whereby it has become our place to meet up everyday. During that time, me and Nora were doing revision in the library together, so we walked to the door while I have some small fun fooling and joking with her. We both sat at the staircase while waiting for Antonio and Noah. Meanwhile, Nora showed me the new hero updates and some new skills she learnt of the game and we both played on her phone.
<<link "“Ringgggggggggggggg………………..”">> <<audio PhoneRingingp14sound play>> <</link>> Out of a sudden, Benjamin’s phone alarm ring.
[[Next|Part 3]]Part 3
When I thought it was an ordinary day, just like any other day, my phone buzzed and I received an unexpected phone call from the person I least expected. It was a string of number which wasn’t in my contact list and I picked up the phone brimming with curiosity.
“Hello, it’s Benjamin speaking….may I know who is on the phone…please?”
I waited for a few seconds of awkward silence and just when I was about to hang up the call, suddenly a voice that I cannot forget flooded into my ears.
“YOU BLOODY RASCAL! YOU THINK YOU CAN REALLY SURVIVE OUT THERE?”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/ear6ndU.png" width="386" height="256">
That dazed me for a few seconds, th. It’s James’s voice, the voice I fear the most. Not wanting any attention, I pointed to the side and signaled Nora to go ahead for dinner with them first while I answered the phone call.
[[Next|P3.2]]“ YOU, A WORTHLESS BRAT. YOU THINK YOU CAN HIDE FOREVER? I TELL YOU I SHALL ALWAYS BE YOUR NIGHTMARE. I WANT TO MAKE YOU REMEMBER YOU’RE WORTHLESS AND DON’T WORTH ANYONE CARES OR LOVE”
I bite my lips while looking towards the sky, knowing there’s more to come. I can tell James is drunk from his tone.
“YOU’LL NEVER WORTH TO ANYTHING. NOBODY LOVES OR CARE FOR YOU, BRAT...BLABLABLA…..”
After continuous cursing for about 5 minutes, the call was cut off, only pure silence was there. Yet, those words keep echoing in my ears, like a repeating cassette. Feeling the anxiety slowly climbing into me and overwhelming me. That threw away my appetite for dinner.
[[Next|P3.3]]Not wanting to see anyone, I just walked back towards the dormitory. Thinking that I can just escape like always, unexpectedly Nora was still waiting for me beside the staircase.
“Benjamin, are you okay? Who’s calling you just now? Why do you look so pale? What’s wrong?”
“Nora, please…leave me alone...”
“Benjamin, I know something is wrong. Please talk to me……”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/XTjSyCQ.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Calm down and talk to Nora]]
[[Refuse to talk about it and insist that can handle it myself]]Choice 1
“Hmmm……..”
I didn’t reply to her at first. I shook my head and tried to avoid any eye contact with her, throwing my gaze to the floor instead.
There were 3 voices quarrelling inside my head now. One of it was my stepfather’s mean words in the phone, the other two were both debating on whether to tell Nora the truth or not.
My mind was in a complete mess and that was only the start. I can’t seem to control my train of thought. It felt like I was this close to breaking down emotionally. I gave up and closed my eyes, accepting my fate. I even squat down and held my head with my hands as I’m having a real serious headache now. I’m trying to knock my head with both of my hands in an attempt to get rid of all the noises in my head. I even mumbled some irrelevant words unconsciously. Nora was shocked by my reaction as she had never seen me acting like this.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/sYu8SEC.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P3.C1.2]]Choice 2
“Nora please, leave me alone. I don’t want to talk about it.”
I was about to walk away but Nora grabbed me by my elbow and looked at me with pleading eyes.
“Benjamin, please. You don’t sound like yourself. Is it about the call just now? What happened?”
“NORA STOP!!!”
Suddenly I screamed at the top of my lungs.
“I JUST DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. IT’s MY F***ING PROBLEM, NOT YOURS. CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!?”
<img src="https://imgur.com/qUN4cD5.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P3.C2.2]] However, I do not have energy to wear on my mask now. I can’t even fake a smile to her. I felt like glass, only moments away from cracking. Is it because I’m useless? Is it because I’m worthless? I don’t want Nora to look down on me. I don’t want Nora to think I’m a weird guy. At this moment, I realized I was so concerned about how she thought about me.
“Benjamin, calm down. I’m your friend. I’d like to help if I can.” Nora looked at me sincerely. She even came forward and gently hold both of my hands in hers. I could feel the warmth from her little hands transmitted to my freezing cold hands. The warmth from her palms are giving me strength and slowly pulling me back to my conscious mind.
[[Next|P3.C1.3]] “Friend?? Help??” her words lingered inside my brain. I began to ponder over the meaning of these words. I hardly have any friends throughout my whole life. I had never have anyone to share my story with. Not to mention who will even offer help to me. I was totally at a lost of what I should do now.
After a few minutes of agonizing, I decided to reveal the truth to her. I lead her to a corner where no one passes by. With a deep breath, I began,
“Nora, I remember you and your brother always wondered why I used to wear long sleeves everyday even though the weather is steaming hot or even when we went swimming. You want to know the truth so much, right?”
Nora nodded and blinked her eyes, puzzled.
[[Next|P3.C1.4]] “This is because…..”
while saying, I slowly rolled up my long sleeves and exposed my “ugly” hands. My arms are full of scars. Some were beaten by belts, some were scarred by cigarette butts, others were cut by pieces of wine bottles.
“It all started 7 years ago. It was a rainy night…………….”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/FJufRVU.png" width="386" height="256">
I had a good long chat with Nora. I told her about those sleepless nights, the abuses and those nightmares that haunted me. It was the first time in my life I'm sharing my thoughts with someone else. It was the first time in my life I felt being cared for and loved by someone who is not my family member. This feeling was strange but I found myself being very comfortable with Nora around. Her pretty eyes can calm me down and give me strength. Suddenly, my brain thought “God has sent me my very own little angel”. My face was flushed but I don’t think Nora realised.
[[Next|P3.C1.5]] <img src="https://i.imgur.com/Fz3TsY4.png" width="386" height="256">
“Hey Benjamin, you know what? Actually you’re very brave and tough! Thanks for sharing your stories with me. Have a good rest tonight and get well soon. I can’t help much but I will always be here for you if you need anyone to talk to.” Nora hugged me gently and went off.
At the end of the conversation, I waved goodbye to Nora and headed to my hostel. I need to take a rest as I still feel exhausted. Laying on bed, I closed my eyes and went into deep sleep.
[[Next|Part 4]]Part 4
Why does this location seem so familiar? It’s like my old room at Perak. Why am I back here? I quickly stood up from my bed, grabbed my phone with me and was about to dash away from here. But I was too late... The door was slammed open and James stamped through the door with a beer bottle.
“YOU USELESS BASTARD!!!!!”
He swung his hand which came as <<link "a slap">> <<audio Slappart4sound play>> <</link>> on my left cheeks, so powerful that I fell to the floor. I quickly pushed myself backward as James is marching towards me with drunken steps. The beer bottle dropped from his hands, making a heavy crash sound as James takes off his belt and started <<link "hitting me">> <<audio beltsound play>> <</link>>.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/vrJPAkd.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P4.2]]I turned around heading to the door and ready to enter.
“Benjamin….”
She called but I didn’t look back.
“I know you’re stressed. It’s okay that you don’t feel like telling me now. Please just get some rest first, don’t overthink, things will get better when you wake up... Good night.”
I ignored her and just headed back into my room. I just wanted to sleep and forget about everything. Sleep is the only way to escape from this reality.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/CYdzIjw.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|Part 4]] “YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED WITH YOUR FATHER! YOU ARE A USELESS FXXKING BURDEN TO ME”
Every word he spoke, a hit came with it, and after a while, he started kicking me. To protect myself, I curled myself into a ball and wrapped my arms around my head. Every part of my body writhed in pain.
“I WANT YOU DEAD! NOW! YOU BASTARD”
James peeled my arms away from my head and started strangling me. His grip was so strong, it made me <<link "gasp for air">> <<audio Gaspingp22sound play>> <</link>> desperately. I tried to pull his arm away from my throat but to no avail.
My breath slowly shortens and I feel like I’m losing myself from this world. My struggle seems useless as I’m losing my vision to the darkness. Dad, maybe this is a reunion for us?
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/PXPzCXX.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P4.3]] “BENJAMIN! HEY, WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!!”
I opened my eyes to see a worried Antonio gripping my shoulder, his eyes clouded with panic and concern. I slowly took a deep breath to calm my pounding heart.
“You’re screaming and strangling yourself in your dream, Benjamin. You don’t look so well. Did anything happened?”
“I just had a nightmare that’s all. Sorry for waking you up.”
“It’s okay, chill. Here, have some water before you sleep.”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/RRDYlNS.png" width="386" height="256">
I nodded. Antonio went back to his bed while glancing at me from time to time. Unable to process the dream, thinking why would I have this terrible nightmare that felt so surreal, it was like James was really hitting me and strangling me. It felt so real that my breathing was actually cut off. I stared out into the night sky from the window trying to keep myself awake in fear that the nightmare will haunt me again if I fall back to sleep.
[[Next|P4.4]]I didn’t know time passed so fast as I blanked out, it was already 8am. As I have a class at 9am, I got up and went to prepare myself for class. My brain is all jumbled up, so many thoughts racing around that I can’t tell what is real and what is not anymore. Not wanting to make Antonio worried, I kept fully silent and gave small smiles here and there so that Antonio won’t notice.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/HX1TRRu.png" width="386" height="256">
Walking through the corridor is the most stressful thing, where with the nightmare scene playing in my head like it was racing cars and unable to process well. I wasn’t able to focus on anything as it played on and on in my head nonstop. Unknowingly I entered the elevator and looked up to see my worst fears. James, standing beside and in front of me in the same elevator. Every single one of them, carrying that sinister smile of his when he was about to hit me.
I was overwhelmed purely through fear. The fear of him attacking me, the fear of him strangling me. All those things came to me again. My brain overloaded as my heart throttled like an engine. I quickly grabbed my stuffs and ran back to my dormitory, wanting to isolate myself and hide from everyone.
[[Next|P4.5]]What I didn’t expect was that Antonio was in the room, but that was the least of my concerns. I was panicking so hard that I didn't know what I was doing. I began thrashing the things in the room around because I don’t know where to let my pent-up emotions out.
“Woah woah woah! Benjamin, STOP! WHAT THE HELL are you doing?!!”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/FVCffCv.png" width="386" height="256">
Antonio suddenly held me from the back in a neck lock to stop me from thrashing. I started struggling against his hold which proves to be difficult. I started using my legs to kick stuff down until Antonio started backing up to the room which led my thrash assault to an end.
“ANTONIO, LET ME GO!”
“Benjamin, calm down! What is going on!? Calm the fxxk down!”
As I halted my flailing, Antonio also started to loosen his grip on me and my breathing slowly calmed down. I can also hear Antonio breathing heavily.
[[Next|P4.6]]<img src="https://i.imgur.com/bJkjk1z.png" width="386" height="256">
“I don’t know what is happening to me, why am I like this…”
I started sobbing as I felt like my brain was broken, with all the pieces unable to connect to each other.
“Benjamin, your emotions are everywhere. From what I’ve seen, I think your mental health is taking a turn for the worse. I’m no professional, but I think you need to consult someone. I think it’s better if you consult my lecturer or the counselor on our campus. Please, I’m very concerned about you.”
[[Next|P4.7]] I looked at Antonio with a puzzled face, unknowing what he was speaking about. “Bipolar disorder”. Antonio's words flew right past me and my mind detached for a brief moment.
“Huh? Bipolar - what? Am I dying?”, I thought aloud.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/4tzMtXS.png" width="386" height="256">
“Antonio, I don’t get you. What is this bipolar thing?”
Both of us sat down in our room while I listened closely to what Antonio had to say, with my mind going haywire thinking about all the things happening to my life these days so far. The thought of James' voice echoing across my brain made the fear climb all over my body.
[[Next|P4.8]] “Benjamin! Stay with me! I’ve got something important to tell you.”
I looked back to see Antonio with concerned eyes again, like it happened many times before.
“Listen, Benjamin. I realised that you might need some help. You know I’m a psychology student. Let me tell you frankly from what I’ve observed in you so far.”
“I have noticed that you often had a few episodes of sleepless nights in a week when you stayed here. You also get distracted easily quite often like zoning out and replying my questions with nonsenses. I also noticed your mood fluctuates quite frequently from depressed, anxious to elevated and hyperactive and vice versa. Sometimes, you’re being extra talkative despite you told me you used to be an introvert since you were young. Recently, what went worse was that you get irritated easily with a tad of aggression like what you just did just now.”
“I hope you won’t feel offended for what I’m going to tell you next, but it is because I am really concerned about you and I just wanted to help you. Well, all your symptoms leads me to think of a type of psychological disorder which is known as bipolar disorder…..”
[[Next|P4.9]]“I have learnt this in my lectures before, but I can’t give you a proper diagnosis. I hope you can visit the counselor with me tomorrow, or if you prefer Nora’s companion, that’s also fine. Just book a session and let them help you.”
“Get a day off for yourself and rest for awhile. I got to go now, so see you in the evening. Take care bro!”
I nodded as Antonio left. Being all alone in the room, I slowly digest the information that was just shared and tried to match the symptoms to my recent experiences. Do I really have a mental illness? Should I pay a visit to the counselor? Many unanswered questions appeared in my head.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/c6uygsE.png" width="386" height="256">
Feeling that everything was rushing through my brain tired me out. At last, I decided to take Antonio’s advice to pay a visit to the counselor tomorrow. I did some simple cleaning to the mess in the room that I made. After I did everything, I leaped to my bed and quickly fell asleep. To my surprise, it has been the most peaceful sleep I was able to experience since a long time ago.
[[Next|P4.10]]“Ben? Benjamin. Wake up!”
I was jolted awake to see Nora standing, followed by Antonio and Noah. I sat up and looked at them with a slight smile, wanting them to feel that I’m alright. They smiled back at me while Nora passed some water to me.
“You better there buddy? It felt like you had a good rest.”
Antonio asked and I nodded as a reply. As I was getting up, they all brought food for me and we enjoyed a quiet dinner with some small conversations in the room. The quiet atmosphere made me somewhat worried as I can feel that they were being very cautious with their words to avoid triggering me or anything. I can hardly blame them though.
[[Next|P4.11]] “Benjamin, I told Noah and Nora about what happened in the afternoon. They’re extremely concerned about you. Nora will accompany you to visit the counselor tomorrow if you’re okay with it.”
I looked back at all of them and saw their concerned faces. It’s a strange feeling to me because it had been such a long time that I’ve ever felt anyone care about me. I looked at Nora and she seems to smile at me, thus I nodded as a response.
“Alright, I’ll visit the counselor. Any suggestions on who should I visit?”
[[Next|P4.12]] “Take this. Here you go.”
Antonio handed me a card which writes:
Ms. Sylvia Chan
School Health Counselor (10am to 5pm)
012- XXX XXXX
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/nQJCrkU.png" width="386" height="256">
“Thanks Antonio, I will visit her tomorrow… Nora, is it okay for us to go around 11.30am?”
Nora nodded and the four of us continued to gossip until we all felt sleepy. Time flew pass by when I was together with them.
[[Next|Part 5]]Tomorrow arrived so fast and I suddenly hesitated, debating whether I should really meet the counselor. Just when I was in an agony of indecision, Nora appeared.
“Hi Benjamin, you alright? Let’s go now?”
I don’t have much time to think again so I nodded and we headed to the counselor’s room. The journey to the counselor’s room with Nora was quiet and comforting, knowing that Nora will be here with me while I visit the counselor somehow boost my courage.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/aGnYFjk.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.2]]We finally stopped in front of a room labelled “CAMPUS HEALTH COUNSELING” and I started feeling nervous. Trying to calm myself down, I took a deep breath and entered the room. The first thing that came into my view was a friendly looking lady, busy working in front of her desk. Noticing my arrival, she looked up at me and smiled.
“Hello, I’m Ms Sylvia, the counselor of the school. May I help you?”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/JmbmJgS.png" width="386" height="256">
I nervously took out the name card given by Antonio and passed it to her. She picked it up and read it.
“My friend passed me this yesterday and asked me to come here to get a counselling session.”
“Ah, I remember giving my name card to a guy yesterday. If you’re comfortable, you can come with me while your friend have a seat at the lounge area or come back in an hour or so.”
I looked at Nora and she looked back at me. I smiled at Nora to let her decided herself.
“Well, I will grab some food for us and I will be back later when your session ends,”said Nora while leaving the room.
[[Next|P5.3]]
After Nora left, Ms. Sylvia led me to a counselling room which is quite comfortable and provided more privacy as it was even equipped with sound insulation boards on the walls.
“Have a seat, here’s a cup of tea for you…”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/lX5Wz6H.png" width="386" height="256">
I mumbled a quiet “Thank you” as she gave me a small smile and sat down opposite to me. She took out a consent form for me to sign.
“You need to sign this consent form before we proceed with the counselling session. This is to protect the informations that you have shared.”
“So, Benjamin… how can I help you?”
She had a soothing voice which magically calmed me down and made me wanted to share my problems with her.
[[Next|P5.4]] “Yesterday, I did a very wrong thing…. I had an emotional outburst and thrashed stuffs in my bedroom….only because I had a delusion that all people around me had my stepfather’s face which haunted and frightened me a lot. My roommate noticed my abnormal behaviors and he mentioned something like “bipolar” and asked me to come here to get professional help....”
She nodded her head and patiently waiting for me to continue,
“I felt like I’m losing control over my moods these days… According to my roommate, my moods fluctuate very frequently from high to low. And it was getting harder for me to stay focused in my study and work…. I often get distracted and zoned out…. Sometimes, my roommate and friends complained that I spoke some irrelevant things which they don’t understand…This is because my speech can’t follow the speed of my brain…...”
“There’s a lot of things in my mind. I would say it’s very chaotic. I was constantly thinking about many things in my mind. I can always hear the devil’s sound in my mind recently. He was my stepfather. The devil that abused me for many years since my father passed away….”
“...............”
[[Next|P5.5]]So, I went on and on, pouring all of my problems to Ms Sylvia. The whole conversation took about an hour long.
“You must have went through a lot and I respect your courage to hold on through all these past traumas.”said Ms Sylvia.
She then added, “I was quite concerned with what you’re experiencing now, because from your history, I noticed that there’s a few symptoms that you mentioned did matched with the bipolar disorder criteria. Let me help you to list them out so that you have a clearer idea about it.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/auvvGv7.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.6]]“Firstly, the manic phase symptoms that you demonstrated is you mentioned sometimes your mood is abnormally elevated where you feel energetic with racing thoughts. You also don’t feel tired even though you have multiple sleepless nights. You also often get distracted.”
“The depressive episodes are relatively obvious. But fortunately you didn’t do anything that would harm yourself. Anyway, since you started showing some aggressiveness yesterday and started to develop some hallucinations, I feel like it’s important to have an early intervention to control your condition.”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/JchazDD.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.7]]Ms Sylvia continued,
“To prevent your current condition from worsening and affecting your academic, I would refer you to a clinical psychologist to undergo further investigation and diagnosis, as well as to begin a personalized management and treatment plan for you.”
“Don’t worry, mental disorder is not scary, this can be controlled well as long as you’re willing to accept the treatment.”
As I stepped out from the room, I had in my hand an envelope with my referral letter and a name card of a psychiatrist. I took a deep breath, thinking if I should take a step further to understand more about my condition.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/jDRQuU7.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Making a further step to approach the psychologist to get professional help to get myself better]]
[[Keep to myself, knowing my condition and live with it]]Choice 1
I finally made up my mind to visit the psychiatrist to get to know further regarding my condition.
Meanwhile in the psychiatrist’s consultation room……
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/IKnoTm0.png" width="386" height="256">
Ben : “Good morning, Dr.. I’m Benjamin, recommended by Ms Sylvia to see you.”
Dr : “Hi Benjamin. I’m Dr Veronica. Please have a seat and make yourself feel comfortable.”
Dr : “Now, I’m going to ask you a few questions to help me understand your condition. Please answer me honestly so that I can get the right diagnosis for you. Don’t worry, I promise I’ll keep our conversation private and confidential.”
Dr : “Do you feel depressed sometimes? Can you tell me more about what you feel when you are depressed?”
Ben : “Yes Dr. I do feel depressed quite frequently ever since my real father passed away. The period when I was abused by my stepfather was the darkest moments of my entire life. I always felt helpless, hopeless and worthless during that time. No one is there for me, not even my mother.”
Dr : “How does this depressed mood affect your daily life?”
Ben : “When I’m depressed, I like to isolate myself and avoid interactions with others. I also find myself having difficulty focusing on my studies because I find myself getting distracted by my thoughts. I worry about James’ abuse, worry about my future and worry about people excluding me socially because I’m weird. Basically my mind was overwhelmed by all these negative thoughts.”
[[Next|P5.C1.2]]Choice 2
Seeing Nora not outside the room, I decided to just walk back to the dormitory myself. I just sent Nora a message so that she won’t be confused about my whereabouts..
“I finished my session and needed some time for myself. See you at dinner.”
“Okay… be careful.”
Walking alone back to the dormitory gave me a moment to rethink about what Ms. Sylvia just shared earlier. Knowing why my mood constantly changes from high to low, inability to identify myself which is kinda scary… Should I really go to the hospital that Ms. Sylvia recommended for a good diagnosis?
Unknowingly the thoughts consumed my head so much that I had already reached my dormitory and I was alone in the room. Looking at the brown envelope that Ms. Sylvia has passed to me, I just took out the report which Ms. Sylvia has written.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/sw9k4px.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C2.2]] Dr : “Do you have any changes in appetite and sleep quality when you’re depressed?”
Ben : “Yes I did. I always lose my appetite and eat very less when I’m depressed. Meanwhile, I had insomnia every time I thought of my stepfather and the nightmares that haunted me.”
Dr : “May I know how long all these depressed moods usually last?”
Ben : “It kinda comes and goes. Sometimes I feel depressed for more than 2 weeks, then I suddenly feel better.”
Dr : ”What do you mean by suddenly feeling better? Do you have mood swings? Can you try to elaborate on that?”
Ben : “I’m not sure Dr.. It just happens naturally. After periods of depression, I will suddenly become more optimistic towards everything. I thought it was a good thing as I thought I’m healing from the depression.
My mood becomes a bit high and I become very energetic and a bit hyperactive. I feel that there’s many plans in my mind and I’m going to make many decisions. I also suddenly develop many interests in many things. “
Dr : “Did your friends notice any changes from you?”
Ben : “My friend said I’m more sociable when I’m happy and more talkative than usual. They sometimes complained that I gave some irrelevant responses because the speed I speak can’t compete with the speed I think. I can think very fast when my mood is high. Thus, my friends always have difficulty understanding what I say because my speech changes faster than they can follow.
Dr : “Does it affect your work or daily life?”
Ben : “I think I’m getting more productive at work during that period. However, I sometimes get distracted easily due to those racing thoughts.”
Dr : “Do you notice any changes in your sleeping pattern when your mood is elevated?”
Ben : “Yes, I do. When my mood is high, I feel that I’m very energetic and require less sleep. Although I didn’t sleep much, I don’t feel tired at all. ”
[[Next|P5.C1.3]] Dr : “Well, based on our conversation, I think you might have some matching symptoms of a bipolar 1 disorder. However, it’s still under control. I’ll suggest starting you with psychotherapy and some medication first with close monitoring on your progression. Let’s meet you after a month to follow up on your condition. ”
Dr : “Before you go back, I will also give you some brochures to read at home to understand more about bipolar disorders. Don’t worry, you’ll get better if you cooperate with the treatment. You can also checkout some websites to study more about bipolar disorders.”
[[Next|P5.C1.4]] One hour later, I left the consultation room with mixed feelings. I feel happy and sad at the same time. I felt relieved when I knew this disease is not deadly, but I also felt sad because I’m now being diagnosed with a mental illness. People always have that stigma towards the mentally-illed.
‘Will I lose my friends? Will they judge me? Can I still live as a normal person? Why is life always unfair to me?’ Endless questions bombarded my mind.
Just when I thought I had successfully escaped from James’s abuse by entering a university that is far from home, this reality hits me hard again. I didn’t expect his abuse had already destroyed my mental health which is a long term effect. His curse words are like corrosive fluids that slowly depraves my mind.
It’s only until today I finally realized I am sick. Why can’t I have a normal family and live a normal life? All I ever wanted was peace. However, I am always losing more even when I asked for nothing. I felt all the energy in me was drained empty. I’m a ‘psycho’. I don’t think I deserve friends. I was supposed to live by myself in the darkness. All alone.
[[Next|P5.C1.5]] I crouched in a dark corner and browsed through the photos in my phone gallery. It was all the happy memories with Antonio, Noah and Nora. I can still recall all the fine details from the first day when I met them. With tears flooding in my eyes, I selected the photos and deleted them one by one, after much hesitation and struggle. My heart cramped in pain until I felt a bit suffocated. I have to get ready to lost them with this illness. They can continue their life happily without me. I think I chose to surrender to fate this time. God just never love me.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/NUoLDIE.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C1.6]] “Hey Benjamin! Why are you here? What are you doing? What did the doctor say?”
It was Nora. Her voice suddenly banged into my eardrums when I drowned in my own thoughts.
‘I CAN’T TELL her. NOOOOOOO….. I don’t want to lose her!!!!! NOOOOOOO….!!!! I’m not going to tell her the truth…....’ I screamed in my heart, shrouded in panic. But physically, I started to cry uncontrollably.
“Hey Benjamin. What’s wrong with you? Why are you crying? Let me see what you have over there?”
Nora grabbed the diagnosis report from my hand without my consent and started reading it. I felt utterly ashamed and wanted to find a hole to hide. But all I did was just cry harder and harder. Tears drenched my cheeks and I can taste the bitterness in my mouth. My eyesight soon became blurry. After finished reading, Nora sits down beside me.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/eY68rQ5.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C1.7]] “Benjamin, listen! I’ve something important to tell you. I have kept this secret for a very long time in my heart because I don’t have the courage to do so. But today, I decided to brave myself for once. Actually….. I admired you for a very long time. I like you because you’re a very brave and kind person. You’re innocent and always treated people sincerely.
You’re hardworking and smart as well. Although you had told me about your miserable past, what I see in you was that you never give up on your fate. I might not understand what bothers you right now, but perhaps I wanted to tell you that there are many people who still love you. I’m one of them. I’m willing to accompany you to recover from this illness. I won’t leave you alone. ”
“So can you please give me a chance, and also give yourself a chance?” Nora looked at me gently, with her sparkling watery eyes.
For a few seconds, I was stunned by her sudden confession. Throughout my whole life, I have never imagined that there would be someone who actually likes me. I was always the forgotten one with no sense of presence. This caught me by surprise. I was totally bewildered. I was so nervous until I could only grin foolishly at her as a reply. Luckily, Nora totally understands me well. She had read my mind and knew I'd acquiesced to her request. So, she gently took out a tissue and wiped away my tears. Then she helped me back to the dormitory.
[[Next|P5.C1.8]] Our puppy love started budding since the day Nora confessed to me. I’d say Nora is definitely the best lover one could ever ask for. Every morning Nora will send me “good morning” texts and remind me to take my medications. She constantly became my source of positivity as she had an optimistic nature. She also accompanied me to attend all the psychotherapy sessions. From what I’ve read, bipolar patients frequently have difficulty controlling their mood.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/xx25cNn.png" width="386" height="256">
When I’m depressed, I tend to give her the cold-shoulder; when I’m manic, I sometimes get irritated easily and quarrel with her. However, Nora was always patient and never gave up on me. I knew I owed her a lot. It’s not easy to stay by my side but she did it without grumbling. Her sacrifices are what motivated me to give full cooperation to the treatment so that I won’t let her be disappointed. Fortunately, after a few months, my mood swings became less and less frequent as I followed the treatment. As my mood is under good control, I can now live a normal life like any others do. A good support from an understanding partner is very important to a mentally-ill patient.
[[Next|P5.C1.9]] Another good news, James met a new friend, Michael, when he watched a football match in a mamak stall. They’re both crazy football fans so they just chime in easily. Michael is a successful businessman who owned chains of frozen food factories in multiple states in Malaysia. James got a new proper job with a higher salary due to the recommendation by Michael. Michael had changed him a lot, in a positive way. He slowly put down the drinking and gambling habits and no longer liked to curse me. Instead, he started reading and meditation as his new hobby. One day, he even called me to apologize for what he did to me in the past. He said he felt guilty for all the abuse and his bad temper during that time.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/enkO93W.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C1.10]] He’s now a much gentler stepfather to me. When he gets to know about my bipolar disorder, he even makes efforts to learn how to care for me. For instance, sometimes I will receive some caring messages or phone calls from him and my mum, which never occured when I first entered university. That time I thought they almost forgot about my existence. I finally got my long lost family love back. I felt glad that home had finally become my refuge. The current situation was always my dream in the past few years. Love and care from parents were all that I asked for.
Although I’m still sick and need to constantly rely on the medications and treatments to control my mood, I finally lead a much happier and normal life compared to the past. My results were getting better as I could focus better after I took the medications. I performed well in my psychotherapy sessions and my mental health is improving. Slow but steady. I even get chances to interact with many other bipolar patients like me. This made me realize a lot of facts about bipolar disorder. For example, there are several mood stabilizers/antipsychotic medications available, but something that works for one person might not work for another. Sometimes it might take some trial and error to find the medications that works for each bipolar patient. Although bipolar is a lifelong illness, it can be well-managed with medications and therapy. Patients with successful treatments can even be episode-free for several years and be able to have a strong career, a good marriage as long as their partner is understanding and supportive enough. I’m quite optimistic towards my future now.
[[Next|P5.C1.11]] Time flied in a blink of an eye and all of us are in our final semesters of our university life. This means I’m going to officially graduate in a few months time. Looking back to the past, I felt relieved for my choice earlier on.
I can still remember the lady’s words:
“There are no such things as broken until you can’t be fixed. You may be broken but you can make a change to heal others who may be suffering the same thing. You can change from being broken to being a hero.”
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/tRsnVMg.png" width="386" height="256">
Indeed her words came true after all these years of endeavor. I’ve successfully made an escape from my broken family, and once I graduated I will be free and have the ability to help others like me.
[[Next|P5.C1.12]] I felt very grateful towards Antonio and Nora for who I am today. They’re the ones who identified my problems and advised me to seek professional help from a psychiatrist. If they weren’t here, I don’t know what I'd do. Being diagnosed as a bipolar disorder patient isn’t a scary thing. It can be controlled well if we comply with the treatments. I’ve been doing well all these years except for a few mild episodes in a year. After finishing my last papers, I decided to bring my gang back to my hometown for a few nights' stay. Actually, I seldom went back to my house during my university life because I had so many traumatic memories in my hometown. Even though I knew that James had probably become a better person now through the phone calls, I'm still subconsciously reluctant to go back. However, since I have already graduated, I have no choice but to go back home.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/ovr5glg.png" width="386" height="256">
“Hey, would you guys like to visit my hometown tomorrow? I can bring you guys to explore around.” I said.
“OMG, really Benjamin? Why not! Let’s go!” Nora replied.
“After visiting your hometown, I want to invite you guys to mine too!” shouted Noah.
“I volunteer to be the driver! Get ready for the funnest ride ever! Let’s take turns visiting everyone’s houses!” Antonio happily added.
“Great, so let’s start packing our luggages!” I suggested.
I’ve never brought any friends back home yet. Merely thinking about this excites me already. This is also the first time I’m going to introduce my girlfriend, Nora, to my parents. I’m not sure what their reactions will be like. I didn’t tell them in the phone because I wanted to give them a surprise.
[[Next|P5.C1.13]] <<link "The next morning">> <<audio waterp54sound play>> <</link>>, everyone got ready and Antonio was the one doing the driving. As usual, the whole journey was filled with laughters and endless chitchats. When we got closer to my house, all the sceneries became familiar to me. The muddy road, the muddy smell in the air, the blue sky, the trees and the old buildings all reminded me that this is the place that I have stayed for years. This is the place which I grew up, filled with bittersweet memories. Just when I was drowning in my own thoughts, Antonio stopped his car in front of a white building.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/5LUfELl.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C1.14]] “Here it is. We’ve reached the destination!” said Antonio.
As the familiar building came into my sight, for a moment a headache crashed me and I felt my heart was pounding hard. <<link "“LupDup LupDup LupDup LupDupDup”">> <<audio Irregular,fastheartbeatp44sound play>> <</link>> I could hear my own heartbeat becoming louder and louder coupled with me being a bit dizzy and nauseated. Some of the old memories were flooding my head. I held my head in agony and wanted to find a wall to bang my head.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/q4J9urU.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C1.15]] “Hey Benjamin, you okay? Oh! I think you must have forgotten to take your medicine this morning because we departed too early. Here, take your pill first.”
Nora noticed my abnormality and slowly helped me massage my temples to relieve my headaches..
I replied her with a weak smile and quickly swallowed the pill that she passed to me.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/OxBKBc0.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C1.16]] “I’m going to press the doorbell.” said Noah.
Few minutes later, I saw two familiar faces appeared in front of the door. It’s James and my mom. It had been so long since I last saw their faces. They had obviously become older. The traces of years had not let them go. They both grew some white hairs and wrinkles. James even started wearing a pair of glasses and he grew a big tummy. These made James looked a bit friendlier than his past image. They were surprised to see my friends at first but they quickly recognised my face. My mum ran to me in tears and hugged me tightly.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/yIWl1SK.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C1.17]] “Ben my dear! I miss you son! Oh my dear son!” She can’t make any more sentences but just burst out with tears and hugged me tighter. James slowly stepped closer to us. He carefully stretched out his hands to gently tap on my back to console me. This was by far his friendliest interaction with me. This feeling was strange to both of us, but through this gesture, I can really see his changes over all these years. Not sure whether it was the effects of the medicine or James and my mum’s actions, but my heart slowly calm down and my emotions become more stable.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/ylc48ec.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C1.18]] I smiled at them and explained, “I’m back and I’ve graduated. These are my friends in University. This is Antonio, Nora and Noah.”
“Welcome home! We’ve been waiting for you for a very long time.” They both replied.
Everyone smiles at each other and entered the house.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/mjHG1TR.png" width="386" height="256">
[[The End]][[Restart?|Prologue]] Name: Benjamin Chen
Main trigger: Lost of father at age of 5 and having an abusive stepfather before coming to university
Symptoms described by patient:
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/alSWR6C.png" width="786" height="656">
[[Next|P5.C2.3]] I was debating if I should listen to what Ms. Sylvia suggested, but even if I wanted to go for the diagnosis appointment, where do I get the money for this? How am I supposed to get any better? Am I really that sick that it can be deadly? Picking out my phone, I searched up to know more about bipolar disorder and how it can affect my daily life.
Seeing all the symptoms listed by Ms. Sylvia is similar to what the website stated, with a few other symptoms. While I was at it, I also went and searched possible cures or medications for it too.
[[Next|P5.C2.4]] Medications like Lithium was the first one to pop out which writes as the oldest and most well-known mood stabilizer costing around RM65 per 100 capsules, which are supposed to be able to reduce the frequency of mania episodes very effectively and prevent the idea of suicide during depressive episodes. The website also says Lithium has tons of side effects and Valproic Acid can be an alternative medication which costs RM165 per 100 capsules for the much serious maniac episode or when it can't deal with the side effects of Lithium.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/bO23lC9.png" width="386" height="256">
The price isn’t what I’d consider cheap and my financial situation isn't stable enough for me to constantly afford those medications. With the mention of having the need to get continuous psychotherapy is gonna further the worries of having to pay for it to get me better. Deciding to just live with it as the inability to deal with the prices of the medication and therapy, I kept the report and just shoveled it under my piles of books and files to prevent anyone from finding it.
[[Next|P5.C2.5]] Days go by as I acknowledged my situation and mental health, and it made me realise the possibility of not taking medication can trigger more possibilities of losing control more easily. The days that scared me the worst were the days when I had nightmares of James which led me to have fears from time to time, causing me to feel irritated and having uncontrollable thoughts. I caught myself being lost as I wasn’t attending to the necessary therapy and medication which was suggested by Ms Sylvia.
<img src="https://imgur.com/yMwY2mR.png" width="386" height="256">
Antonio also tried asking a few times about the moment with Ms. Sylvia, which I lied to, saying I do visit her from time to time for counseling sessions to reduce his suspicions about me getting better or worse. I also started to distance myself from Nora, knowing it may bring some type of burden to her because I’m not undergoing the treatment at all. I slowly distance from everyone and I need to find some ways to help myself remember the days, and distract myself from it.
[[Next|P5.C2.6]] <img src="https://i.imgur.com/JPKjG2Q.png" width="786" height="656">
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/pWlO97F.png" width="786" height="656">
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/tWhPjDW.png" width="786" height="656">
[[Next|P5.C2.7]] 22nd December, the 183th day I lived with Bipolar Disorder. It has been half a year since I knew bipolar disorder and lived with it. Today felt like a different day, no mania, no depression, just me feeling like an empty shell. I opened my phone to see the group photo I took with the twins and Antonio at the waterfall picnic. The waterfall was probably a small escape which I appreciated and I wanted to relive the moment.
After cleaning the room a little and tidying my studying table, I started walking towards the waterfall which is around a 30 minutes walk. I enjoyed the peaceful walk where everything seems peaceful and enjoying things which I haven’t enjoyed much for the past 183 days which seemed so much of a different day from the past.
The climb to the waterfall was easier than I remember, maybe because it’s the second time going here, I knew my way to the routes to where we had the picnic but I decided to go higher where there is a cliff to overlook the whole view of the area and enjoyed the breeze from the beginning of the waterfall.
Spending an extra 10 minutes walk from the original picnic area, I reached the peak cliff of the mountain which was extremely beautiful as I imagined. The cold breeze from the waterfall made a perfect combo with the view along, where I can see so many things.
From here on, finally, I can see freedom….
[[Next|P5.C2.8]]
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/S4A3LbE.png" width="786" height="656">
[[Next|P5.C2.9]] The postman ran by and dropped a letter to Mrs. Chen, Benjamin’s mom's mailbox. She left James a year ago after he was arrested for a police report filed for domestic abuse. Mrs. Chen picked up the letter which
wrote To: Benjamin Chen. She couldn’t help but open the letter to read.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/sRyJSXS.png" width="386" height="256">
[[Next|P5.C2.10]] <img src="https://i.imgur.com/PeR4EIV.png" width="786" height="656">
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/oFtUb1R.png" width="786" height="656">
[[Next|P5.C2.11]] A drop of tear slipped through the eye of Mrs. Chen as she looked towards the sky and gave a small smile.
“He was free after all...”
More tears streamed from her eyes as she just brought the letter and walked back into her house.
<img src="https://i.imgur.com/CPQkaUJ.png" width="386" height="256">
[[The End]] <<cacheaudio "beltsound" "https://static.wixstatic.com/mp3/8986c0_cebe49a03dae4dbb903ffba2282d040e.mp3">>
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The doctor dream is like the light at the end of the tunnel, my life. You may ask, someone so broken where do you have such a brain to think about being someone so important. There was a lady who visited my campus to give an inspirational talk. There are these words she said that gave me so much hope which I can never forget and to make it my aim to achieve my dream of being a doctor. Escaping from this hell hole and saving others from the same fate as me has given me the courage to be better.
“There are no such things as broken until you can’t be fixed. You may be broken but you can make a change to heal others who may be suffering the same thing. You can change from being broken to being a hero.”
Despite the challenge for me to concentrate while studying, I still managed to achieve an above average results with scoring of 4As, 3Bs and 3Cs, which fulfilled the requirements for me to enter universities to further my studies. What gave me more hope was that few universities’ offered scholarship programs. In those offers, there were a few for business courses but what excites me was an offer from the university that the lady who gave an inspirational talk teaches and I can try to apply for a scholarship.
As soon as James knew my finals were over, my nightmare resurfaced at full blown. James would <<link "slam">> <<audio DoorSlamsoundpage2sound play>> <</link>>
my door open every single night, and we would have a father-son “bonding” session. He enjoyed treating me with all the indescribable abuses based on his creativity, both mentally and physically. I can’t defend myself but I’m secretly planning to escape from his devil’s talons.
However, nothing ever goes smoothly in any decision that I make. James finally commented that he wanted me to accept the business school offer and take the subject of Actuarial Science and Finance as it is a good money-finding course. He added that he will fund me if I take up business courses. When I told him I wanted to take the doctor course, James immediately gave me a <<link "slap">> <<audio Slappart1sound play>> <</link>> and yelled
“ IF YOU FXXKING TAKE THE DOCTOR COURSE, DON’T EVEN TRY TO FIND ME. I WON’T INVEST IN SOME STUPID EXPENSIVE COURSE AND BURN MY MONEY”
[[Insists on choosing my dream course which is to study medicine and attempt to apply for scholarships or PTPTN, or even find some jobs to support the tuition fees and living expenses by myself. I will independently depend on myself instead of James]]
[[Compromise with James’s opinion for the Actuarial Science and Finance course as he will be paying for my tuition fees so I don’t need to worry about the money problem.]]