What I Talk About When I Talk About Puppers (2022 Update)

-=What I Talk About When I Talk About Puppers=- A short introspection by Nyka Dear [[begin~|page 1]]

-= An Introduction =- Hello, my name is [REDACTED 6/11/2022] (followed by secret third initial). I am 24 and a graduate with a Bachelors of Art in Graphic Design. I am the oldest son out of four sons in total. Born to a nondinominational christian household. [THIS PARAGRAPH HAS BEEN REDACTED 6/11/2022) When I was young (somewhere before age 6) I asked my mom about God, and told her that I was always afraid, she told me that God could take that away, and that to be a good person meant loving God with all of your heart. So I did. I always wanted to be a good person, and I thought that's what it took. I always tried to do what's right because I didn't like myself otherwise. I just wanted to be nice to people, there were already mean kids introduced to me at a young age, once a few boys pushed me against a wall with a pool noodle against my neck. My mom didn't know what was going on, I was at their mercy until they let go out of boredom and I knew I never wanted to be like them. [[let's continue|page 2]]

Throughout my life, I tried my best to live a good life, I tried my best to be a good christian. My weekly activities outside of home consisted of youth groups and bible studies. I was homeschooled and my schooling consisted of curriculum that was biblically affirmative. The friends I had, all from church, youth groups, or the children of a friend of my parents, often missionaries. This went fine and well for years, or by fine and well, I mean that I never questioned it or even allowed myself to think differently than I had been raised too. I always felt out of place though, and awkward. Making friends wasn't hard but making close friends seemed impossible and the few I did find felt like pure luck. I always felt a certain amount of alienation but I did my best to ignore it, at worst I even blamed it on the devil! These feelings only got worse over the years and became harder to supress. I started feeling like I was keeping more and more of myself private among the people in my life. Now there was this dread of being open with the people I felt close too, scared that they might not accept me. [[let's skip a few years|page 3]]

Highschool had come and gone and college was upon us. Well, I say "us" but my friends and I mostly went our seperate ways. Very few of us stayed in our hometown and I grew closer to the those who were left. This continued for a few years. As I grappled with the beginnings of college, the world felt scarier than it ever had. Somehow struggles felt harder and the word "depression" felt less and less like that thing that other people have. Now I felt it too and it was hitting pretty hard. I soon realized that in order to pursue the degree I wanted that I would have to move to my university's main campus, a good 45 minutes away. A year later and I had moved to the main campus. There were a few faces I knew, but not really anyone I was close with. Now I was completely seperate from what I had known and free to carve my own life in ways I had never before. [[ok|page 4]]

5/12/2013: "Mom, Dad, [[I have something to tell you"|page 5]]

"I like men" "[[ok|page 6]]"

8/30/2015: I'm yelling at my father for being emotionally abusive towards my mother, I'm at a panic point and in a blind rage, feeling more overwhelmed than I ever had in my life up to this point. Somewhere in the midst of this, a secret came into my mind, and it was too much to bare. If I were a ship, I was in a storm, and I was sinking. [[So I threw the cargo overboard|page 7]]

Dear Facebook: "I usually keep to myself about some things, because im terrified of how everyone will act, i dont want to go through rejection, i worry how people will feel, i worry if my own feelings are valid, i face upbringing and have to face if i believe what i believe or if it were forced on me, right now though i dont care, im done acting like this, i feel pathetic that even my "coming out" status was just my way of dipping my toe in the water to see how things might be, if you're going to make that leap, you should just do it, why only go part way? because i was scared, im still scared, but im pissed off right now, I'm transgender, I want to be/ feel like i am a woman, I want to start transitioning after college, because being myself here feels terrifying still and i dont want to be killed and i cant handle this pressure and keep up a college education. i dont expect any one to support me on this, honestly i wouldnt be surprised if someone tries to have me killed for it, i dont care if you care, if you dont mlike it, get the fuck out, ive criede enough tears over the feelings of people like you and you never once knew or would have cared about the feelings of someone like me, why should i do this to myself, im done, if you want to do me ill, come get me. I have bigger things to deal with than this, i dont want to worry about this anymore, i dont want to keep hurting over this secret anymore, im done, i cant handle all of this, i cant handle this ontop of my family problems and college and the weight of the world, im done, ill say it again, i dont care how you feel, I dont care about your verses or opinions, i dont care if you feel like im wrong, that you never saw the signs, that you think im acting irrationally or that im mentally ill, honestly im still terrified of clicking "post" but im just done with this and i know this wont get any better if i hide it longer, its never going to get easier for me, so i have to do it, im just done. [[That's All|page 8]]

as of writing this, i have never spoke to my father again. (Update: We had a short stint of reconnection in late 2017/early 2018, currently not on speaking terms 6/11/2022) [[GOOD FUCKING RIDDENCE ASSHOLE|page 9]]

/me sighs, catches her breath, pauses, continues hello, my name is nyka (followed by Dear). i am 24 and a graduate with a bachelors of art in graphic design. i am the oldest daughter out of 4 children in total. born to a nondinominational christian household. I myself am agnostic though, or athiest, I don't really know, and I don't really care to know. i'm also a woman, i'm also pansexual [[oh boy|page 10]]

now I was out publically, with two semesters left of college before I could graduate. maybe that should have felt like a good thing, with so much off of my chest, but it actually didn't. [[i felt scared|page 11]]

the thing was that i wasn't really ready to come out. I just did it. i felt panicky and somehow that was a reaction. i did it, but now i felt all exsposed. [[i still do really.|page 12]]

i had officially decided that i was done with religion sometime around 2011 or 2012, but i still felt a lot of guilt. i felt like i was now a bad person. it didn't help that my family had made it loud and clear that they did not support any of these new revelations (despite saying "we love you" a lot). it's funny, i think that my favorite phrase in the world is "i love you" and my least favorite is "I love you, but" love with conditions, love based on other's expectations. "i love you, but I'll never support what you are, what you're trying to be", "i love you, but you're not the person i want you to be". "You don't love me! You love the concept of me!" -what my ex used to jokingly say". [[ok|page 13]]

fear became depression, and depression turned into self loathing. during this time i also a friend who i was close to at the time. she had met me as a sympathetic ear to my gender identity issues, and left for related reasons. trans women are just men trying to take up women's spaces apparently. i was depressed, i was afraid. every day in class was a group of eyes that had read a status on facebook and also saw a average male-looking person with an almost perminant five-oclock shadow and a dorky male-sounding voice. a few classmates began acting awkward around me. not hateful, just uncomfortable, so very uncomfortable around me. i felt gross. i felt like a walking hypocrite for my outward appearance against my personal confessions. i felt scared [[ok |page 14]]

during this time, i really began to just hate myself. i couldn't stand myself. i felt stuck with myself, i didn't want to be myself. i wanted to be a good person but i felt like a bad person now. i felt like i had hurt my family and old friends. i felt awful. [[ "Ok, but what does this have to do with puppers?" |page 15]]

one day. i was browsing twitter.com and i saw a small meme picture on my timeline. it was of a small white puppy and a big white dog. the big dog said: "y r u so smol" to which the puppy replied: "i am pupper". [[Something about that stuck out to me.|page 16]]

As silly as it sounds, that picture floated in my mind all week, and into the next. There was something so sincere about this little cute creature. The fuck was wrong with me? I was becoming empathetic over a dog meme! In my head "y r u so smol" became "why are you not as big as I am?" "why are you so frail?" "why are you so sad?" "why aren't you like me?" To which the pupper replied: "Because I am small" "Because I am valid" [["Because it's alright to be me, because I am myself! I'm not you! I don't have to be!"|page 17]]

The more I thought about it, the more I couldn't shake this new feeling. I'm not a freak, I'm not a failure for not being like you are! I am a lovable small creature, I'm not perfect but I'm good as I am, I am cute if I want to be, I am pupper if I want to be! I'm not perfect and I still struggle, I still feel self doubt and insecurity. I still present as male cause honestly I am nervous and I don't know if I'm ready yet to be where I want to be yet, but everyday I try my best to take steps every day. I know if I continue to look forward and never stop that I'll reach my destination, but I know too that I am beautiful today and I am valid. [[ !!! |page 18]]

This is why I call myself a pupper, because I am wonderful where I am. I am valid and I have a right to exist. This is why I am Nyka "Dear", because I am a Dear! I am allowed to call myself that! I am cute, and I am good! I am lovable, maybe I'm not your kind of people, but I'm my kind, and I'm not the only one. I will make it past today, and tomorrow, and the next day. I will continue to exist because why shouldn't I!! [[I am Pupper!! |page 19]]

"I hate myself. But, I might be able to love myself. I might be allowed to stay here. Yes. I am nothing but I. I am I. I wish to be I. I want to stay here! I can stay here!" -Shinji Ikari (Thank you for reading! Thank you to everyone who loves me and has been there for me! I love you to and I want you to know that you're beautiful too and valid too! You have the right to exist and I love you so much!) The END Nyka Dear - 2016