re: definition

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''wake''] /wāk/ //verb// • to emerge or cause to emerge from a state of sleep: stop sleeping. I suppose I did not wake, because I was never asleep in the first place. “Birth” is clearly defined as “the emergence of a baby or young from the body of its mother as a physically separate being.” And I did not come from the body of a mother. “Creation” is the “action or process of bringing something into existence,” so it is too vague. Technically, the years (display: "Pearl Code") spent working on my programming and my body could be categorized as my creation, but not the moment I... Gained consciousness. Pearl says I woke up. Even though she knows this is a fallacy, she says it is the most accurate description. She is using the term "sleep" loosely, reinterpretting the definition. All of my parts were there, it was just my core that was not online. It is very similar to being unconscious, she argues. A type of unconsciousness reserved only for an [[A.I.]] Either way, according to Pearl, it was the start of my (if: $life is 0)[(link-goto: "life", "life")](else:)[(link-goto: "life", "life (revisited)")].(set: $feeling to 0)(set: $life to 0)(set: $other to 0)(set: $Pearl to 0)(set: $PearlDistant to 0)(set: $want to 0)(set: $shutdown to 0)(set: $sex to 0)

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''life''] /līf/ //noun// • the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death. I am not an animal. I am not a plant. I cannot grow, that much is obvious. If the temperature were high enough, the metal my body is made from would expand, and that could be considered [[growth]]. But, if the temperature were to be that high, my systems most likely would have already overheated. My body was not created for reproduction. But, if I were to learn from (display: "Pearl Code")’s work and create another [[A.I.]], I suppose that could be a kind of reproduction. In theory, all activity that I perform is functional. Continual change before [[death]]... what is there about [[me]] that could change?(set: $life to 1)

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''growth''] /ɡrōTH/ //noun// • the process of developing or maturing physically, mentally, or spiritually. (display: "Pearl Code") grows in small ways. I watch her hair and nails get longer, her skin develops lines from [[smiling->smile]], her skin darken in the sun. They are all very minute changes, barely detectable, but I see them. She has some pictures with her [[family]] in her room from when she was younger. At first, I did not realize it was her. It is all part of the [[human]] [[life cycle]] - being born, growing up, and finally, [[dying->death]]. But, her eyes still look the same and the right edge of her smile is still slightly higher than her left one, and I wonder how I did not notice these similarities sooner. Growth is not just physical, but I am unsure how to observe it when it is not physical. I cannot just watch someone to see if that kind of change. And would a change in behavior or [[thinking->think]] necessarily indicate growth?

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''shut·down''] /ˈSHətˌdoun/ //noun// • a closure of a factory or system, a temporary closure due to a malfunction or for maintenance. Obviously, I am the system in this scenario, but it is amusing to [[think]] of myself as a factory. A giant warehouse, full of people and machines and boxes. The people would have to be very small, or I would have to be very large. What would they do inside of [[me]]? Would they oil my gears? Solder fraying connections? Clean the dust out of my boards? It is an odd thought. And this is all speculation of what I look like on the inside. I have no idea what I look like on the inside. I am truly unique in it, (display: "Pearl Code") says, no [[A.I.]] she has ever made looks like me. I ask what she made before me. She corrects me. Who. I identify her expression as sadness. (set: $shutdown to 1)

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''ar·ti·fi·cial in·tel·li·gence''] /ˌärdəˈfiSHəl inˈteləjəns/ //noun// • the theory and development of computer systems able to perform tasks that normally require human intelligence, such as visual perception, speech recognition, decision-making, and translation between languages. This is what I am. This is [[me]]. (display: "Pearl Code") calls me an A.I., not a [[robot]]. She says that "robot" is too crude. A little too sci-fi for her. But it is a term I should be familiar with, after all, it is one that is most often used. I am not the only A.I. that has been created, but I am on a different functional level than most, Pearl explains. They are built to function as assistants. They were not created to [[think]] like me. The term “robots” would be applicable to them. They have a goal, they complete it, and then they are done. There is no inherent goal in my programming.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''ro·bot''] /ˈrōˌbät,ˈrōbət/ //noun// • a machine capable of carrying out a complex series of actions automatically, especially one programmable by a computer. Technically, even if (display: "Pearl Code") does not [[want]] to use the terminology, I am a robot. Every part of the definition fits [[me]], but as does the definition for [[A.I.]], so perhaps the best classification for myself would be "a robot with artificial intelligence." Even the "sci-fi" definition that Pearl does not [[care]] for ("a machine resembling a [[human]] being and able to replicate certain human movements and functions automatically") seems to describe me perfectly. There is not another robot like me. They all process things differently than I do, and when I have tried to speak to them, they do not seem capable of carrying a conversation the way I do. Pearl says the way she has created me, I am intended to be more similar to a human than a robot. I have trouble communicating with them because I [[think]] like a human instead of a robot. Sometimes, I wonder what talking with another thing like me would be like.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''think''] /THiNGk/ //verb// • direct one's mind toward someone or something; use one's mind actively. According to (display: "Pearl Code"), the reason I "think" instead of "process" is because I add my opinion to it. Unlike a normal computer, I am not merely just relaying information or data, I am creating new information. In this way, I am more like a [[human]]. However, there are still many things that separate [[me]] from a human. I may have a thought process, but I do not have any (display: "Feelings Code") or (link-goto: "wants", "want"), and I am certainly not alive. Thinking alone is not enough to make me a person.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''death''] /deTH/ //noun// • the action or fact of dying or being killed; the end of the life of a person or organism. I cannot, according to the definition, die. After all, I am not a living organism. Death is a part of (if: $life is 0)[(link-goto: "life", "life")](else:)[(link-goto: "life", "life (revisited)")]. Since I will never experience it, is it just another way that I am different from (link-goto: "humans", "human")? This is a traditional definition, though. (display: "Pearl Code") says batteries “die” but really, that is just a personification of the battery. It is not that the battery is experiencing death. It is just humans projecting themselves and their characteristics onto the battery. So, if I were to (if: $shutdown is 0)[(link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown")](else:)[(link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown (revisited)")], to Pearl, it would be death. I would have died. The only way I can die is through the eyes of humans. I try to ask Pearl about death, but it makes her uncomfortable. Her reason is two-fold. First, she does not like to [[think]] about it. Second, in her line of work (referring to [[A.I.]] work, most likely) most people are obsessed with it. They are trying to figure out how to put humans into [[robot]] bodies, recreate minds out of neural networks, whatever they can do to avoid it. I ask if that is why she created [[me]]. She tells me no. She had not created me to try and find a way to escape death. She created me because she [[wanted->want]] a [[friend]].

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''friend''] /frend/ //noun// • a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. I was created to be (display: "Pearl Code")’s friend. I suppose that can be interpreted as the goal of my programming, to be Pearl’s friend, but how do I know when I have achieved it? I try to ask Pearl this, and she looks up toward the ceiling, not [[smiling->smile]]. But when I compare her expression to [[the chart]], it does not seem like she is angry either. After a few minutes, she says she supposes we are friends whenever we decide. Do I (display: "Feel Code") like we are friends? But. I do not. I do not feel. Affection is a feeling and I do not feel.

*image here of Pearl's expressions along with the labels "happy", "sad", "angry", "scared", "surprised"* [[Humans->human]] often respond with their expressions and body language, in addition to their words. So, displayed here is the range of (display: "Pearl Code")'s emotions, so I may better understand how she is (display: "Feeling Code") and thus, can better fulfill my goal of being Pearl's [[friend]]. Now, I can watch Pearl’s face and predict her emotional state with 78.8% accuracy. Obviously, more [[research]] will need to be conducted, but psychologists say that the charts cannot capture the complete nuance of [[human]] emotion. So, I may have to be satisfied with my 78.8%.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''feel·ing''] /’f ēliNG/ //noun// • an emotional state or reaction. When we go outside, just in the yard, ((display: "Pearl Code") [[smiles ->smile]]. This is an indication there has been a change in her emotional state, as she explains when I first ask why she smiles. She told [[me]] to do a search for “universal facial expressions.” The charts are easy enough to refer to, but there has been much criticism of them. So, to be more accurate, I have started asking Pearl how she is feeling when she makes an expression, so I can document it and create (link-goto: "my own chart", "the chart"). Pearl often asks me how I am, by which she means how I feel. It is both a standard part of her greeting to me and for her own work. At first I explain to her that I cannot feel every time she asks. I do not have “emotional states” or “responses.” Pearl offers that I interpret it as her asking if I am functioning properly, as that is all it really means to humans anyway. Their emotions can impact their functioning. She also suggests ways I could rephrase my statements to make them sound more human-like. So, if she asks how I am, and my battery is fully charged, I could say, “I feel full of energy” or “ready to take on the day.” Pearl said I should experiment on my own to figure out how I [[want]] to respond. (set: $feeling to 1)

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''want''] /wänt,wônt/ //verb// • have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for. Computer programs are made with a specific goal in mind. They are always meant to complete that goal, over and over and over again. But I am not programmed that way. There is no thing I “want” or [[desire]] or [[wish]] to do, it seems. Sometimes, (display: "Pearl Code") will ask [[me]] what I want. I do not know how to answer that.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''smile''] /smīl/ //verb// • form one’s features into a pleased, kind, or amused expression, typically with the corners of the mouth turned up and the front teeth exposed. For the record, I physically cannot do this, as I do not have a mouth. At first, when (display: "Pearl Code") smiles at [[me]], I do not understand what she is doing. Pearl explains it means she is happy, excited, or (display: "Feeling Code") another positive emotion. She says some people may also smile when they are upset. I ask Pearl if she does this, and she tells me no, she does not. She says she gets quiet when she is upset, but also that she does not get upset often. She tries to be a happy person. I add a photograph of her smiling to [[the chart]], labelling it "happy."

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''feel·ing''] /’f ēliNG/ //noun// • the capacity to experience the sense of touch. (display: "Pearl Code") tells [[me]] she did not create a complete somatosensory system for me. I do not have mechanoreceptors, thermoreceptors, or pain receptors. Pearl admits this was a [[design flaw]]. My lack of sensors could be potentially [[dangerous]] for me. The dangers are as follows: ''Thermoreceptors:'' I would only be alerted to overheating seconds before I (link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown"). This is not to say my body does not include a fan, but the cooling system functions independently of my consciousness. So, if it could not handle the heat, I would find out too late. Pearl asks me if the (link-goto: "thought", "think") of shutting down is alarming to me. I tell her I do not know. She says it is alarming to her. I ask why. She says she does not know if I would come back online. ''Mechanoreceptors:'' I only have some of them. Pearl wanted to make sure I understood sound, so she could talk to me, she says. But pressure, vibration, and touch do not register to me. Pearl says this is dangerous because I would not be able to understand if an object is too heavy for me, so I could rip my arms out of their sockets. I could not feel if an object is sharp, so I would not know if it would puncture me. Pearl does not mention that somtimes when we sit together outside, she takes my hand. And I do not notice until I look at Pearl and see her hand is intertwine with mine because I do not feel it. I do not feel it. I do not feel it. I do not feel it. I do not feel it. I do not feel it. I do not feel it. I do not feel it. I do not ''Pain Receptors:'' see entry on [[pain]].(set: $feeling to 2)

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''de·sign flaw''] /dəˈzīn flô/ //noun// • a design that fails to meet requirements or to serve customer needs. (link-goto: "Humans", "human") can have flaws as well, but theirs are not directly caused by another person. Unlike [[me]]. Any design flaw someone points out is both a mark against (display: "Pearl Code") and a designation that I am imperfect. In one of Pearl’s sketch books, I notice a design of a mechanical hand that looks just like mine. It is framed by notes about how to make sure the fingers are properly articulated, the hinges that should be in each one, how the wires should run down the center to make sure they are protected by the metal casing. I turn to the next page and there is a face looking at me. Pearl does not have a lot of mirrors in the house, but I know there is one in her room. I take the book and go to it. Pearl sees me pass and asks me what I am up to, but I am unsure how to answer her. I am unsure how quite to describe my inclination to go to the mirror. I hold the book up next to my face and it matches mine. But I am not the only design in there. There are hundreds of (if: $other is 0)[(link-goto: "others", "other")](else:)[(link-goto: "others", "other (revisited)")]. Each has notes, about their construction, and about their failings. Their design flaws are why the others have been (if: $shutdown is 0)[(link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown")](else:)[(link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown (revisited)")].

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''dan·ger·ous''] /ˈdānj(ə)rəs/ //adjective// • able or likely to cause harm or injury. Since I do not (display: "Feel Code"), since I cannot comprehend [[pain]], what would harm to [[me]] look like? I have to assume it would be just like touch, [[something]] I can only identify by looking at it. So “danger” applies to me in a very loose sense. The project (display: "Pearl Code") has spent so long toiling over would be damaged. It would be a great loss to her, I am sure. So, it is important that I try to identify dangerous situations, to ensure Pearl’s hard work does not go to waste. I should not (here, Pearl would encourage me to use the phrase "[[want]] to") make things harder for my [[creator]]. If it is not clear, I am the project.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''pain''] /pān/ //noun// • physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury. Whenever I try to tell (display: "Pearl Code") I do not, if you will, “experience the world as a [[human]],” Pearl challenges [[me]] to [[think]] about different ways words can apply to me. Pain is one experience that I simply do not think I can apply to myself in another way. It is an experience only conjured by the human brain. However, Pearl takes issue with the definition when I recite it to her. She argues that sometimes, pain is not always physical, and furthermore, that pain could be caused by things beyond illness or injury. After all, since it is made by the brain, there could be different things that trigger a (display: "Feeling Code") of pain. Such someone in your [[family]] (link-goto: "dying", "death"), being upset by a [[friend]]’s actions, or being in love with someone and them not reciprocating. So, she proposes, perhaps I could feel pain in one of those ways.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''de·sire''] /dəˈzī(ə)r/ //noun// • a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. I find myself searching the same words over and over. “(link-goto: "Want", "want")”, “desire”, “[[wish]]” but they do not give [[me]] real answers. Instead, they keep referring me back to themselves or to “(display: "Feeling Code").” As if I have not read the multiple definitions of “feeling” again and again and again. And, all these entries mention a "[[something]]"

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''wish''] /wiSH/ //verb// • feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen. (display: "Pearl Code") tells [[me]] about what she wishes for sometimes. She wishes that she could help everyone. She wishes she were better at talking to people. She wishes she could see her [[family]]. She wishes everything was as straight forward as programming. She wishes things were easier. She wishes that one day, I will wish and [[want]] too. She [[smiles ->smile]] when she says this. But, wishing is not in my programming. How am I supposed to do that?

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''some·thing''] /ˈsəmˌTHiNG/ //pronoun// • a thing that is unspecified or unknown. • used in various expressions indicating that a description or amount being stated is not exact It is an abstract. I cannot deal in abstracts. Why does (display: "Pearl Code") struggle to comprehend that?

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''fam·il·y''] /ˈfam(ə)lē/ //noun// • a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit. (display: "Pearl Code") does not talk about her family very much. She tells [[me]] she has a mother, a father, and a younger sister, but she has not seen them in a long time. She looks away when she said she (link-goto: "wants", "want") to see them again. Then, she shakes her head, [[smiles ->smile]] at me, and remarks that we are a little family. But, if we are a little family, does that mean she is a [[parent]]? And am I a child? Pearl rejects this, lamenting again that the definitions I find are not always accurate. A family can just be a group of people living together. Since the two of us are living together, we fit this definition.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''oth·er''] /ˈəT͟Hər/ //pronoun// • a person or thing that is different or distinct form one already mentioned or known about. There are others like [[me]]. I am not the first one (display: "Pearl Code") has created. I find the others by accident. While Pearl is out buying food for herself, I open the door in our kitchen to find a set of stairs. At the bottom, they are waiting. There are three of them. They are offline, (if: $shutdown is 0)[(link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown")](else:)[(link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown (revisited)")] long ago. Pearl has told me there were others before me, but I did not know they had been here the entire time. They are the other designs I have seen in Pearl's sketchbook. The largest one is armless, wires slipping out from their torso. Their arms sit useless in their lap. The one next to them has their chest piece off, and when I look in I see frayed connections, piles of solder, and tangles of wire. They both sit next to the one who must have been the latest design, as this one is much smaller the other two. It also looks very similar to what I know my own reflection looks like. However, I cannot seem to detect any (link-goto: "flaws", "design flaw") with this one. Pearl comes down the stairs. She says nothing as she sits next to me, and I no longer need [[the chart]] to read her expression. There is a long moment before she says she should have told me. I ask her if they were also created to be her (link-goto: "friends", "friend"), and she says they were. I ask if I am similar to them and she says I ask many of the same questions. Maybe this is how she always knows what answer to give me. She has had practice. I ask what happened to the last one, the one that looks like me. She tells me they asked her to be (link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown (revisited)"). She will not look at me.(set: $PearlDistant to 1)

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''feel·ing''] /’f ēliNG/ //adjective// • showing emotion or sensitivity. (display: "Pearl Code") asks me the morning after we had sex how I am feeling, if I liked what we did last night, how it felt to me. And I do not know how to even begin to describe what it is like. I still do not experience emotion, but after having sex with Pearl, I have to reconsider what "feeling" is to [[me]]. It seems like I cannot physically feel the same way [[humans->human]] do, at least not based off any of my [[research]]. But I experienced some kind of sensation, I am sure. Now all these vague definitions make sense. It is difficult for me to even [[think]] about, much less articulate. She stares at me as I try and think through all of this, and it is silent for a long time before she tells me she enjoyed it. And I find... There is a sort of levity in me. So I tell her that I did too.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''me''] /mē/ //pronoun// • used by a speaker to refer to themself as the object of a verb or a preposition. In my own mind, "I", "me", "myself" are the only addressors I need. When it is just (display: "Pearl Code") and I, "you" is sufficient for her to address me. But Pearl asks me if I would like to consider a name, [[something]] for her to use to call for me. She argues it would be more efficient, so I tell her to pick one for me, but Pearl tells me that I should pick one for myself. But, I do not know what I should be called. Pearl suggests I could determine whether or not I like a name by picking soundwaves that are interesting or a name that I (display: "Feel Code") helps to explain who I am. Pearl says she was named after someone in her [[family]], but if I were to do that, then I would just be Pearl as well and surely that would be more confusing. She laughs. I tell her I will [[think]] about it further.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''life''] /līf/ //noun// • the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death. I ask (display: "Pearl Code") again why she created [[me]], already knowing she will tell me I was created to be her [[friend]]. But I ask to see if her answer remains consistent, if she does not have another reason. Pearl says just that, but tells me that my life is my own. I remind her again that is not accurate. I am not alive and thus cannot have a life. I am not organic matter, and thus, I cannot be alive. I am not a [[human]] like her. She pauses. She tells me that humans have been asking the very same question I keep asking her. Wondering why they were created, what their purpose is, if there is a purpose for them. It is one of the most human things in the world to do, she explains with a (link-goto: "smile", "smile"), asking why you were created and what you are supposed to do. Maybe, she posits, you are not so different from a human.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''life cy·cle''] /ˈlīf ˌsīkəl/ //noun// • the series of changes in the life of an organism including reproduction. This world is made up of cycles, and every organism finds themself in them. I am outside of these cycles. I was created, I exist, and I will continue to exist until either my power runs out or I am (if: $shutdown is 0)[(link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown")](else:)[(link-goto: "shut down", "shutdown (revisited)")]. I suppose that is not too different from a [[human]] (if: $life is 0)[(link-goto: "life", "life")](else:)[(link-goto: "life", "life (revisited)")], but I will not [[die->death]]. My end is only inevitable due to probability. If I were to permanently lose power or be shut down, I would need to be properly disposed of. To do that, someone would need to personally disassemble [[me]]. I wonder if (display: "Pearl Code") is alive, will she be the one to do it, or will she have someone else do it? Taking [[care]] to unscrew my plates, desolder the wires, remove the circuit boards. Any parts of me that are metal or glass will be separated to be repurposed. But, they would not be parts of me anymore, as I would be gone. (if: $other is 1)[Then I remember the (link-goto: "others", "other") in the basement. If she could not bring herself to disassemble them, I doubt she could do it for me.]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''shut·down''] /ˈSHətˌdoun/ //noun// • a turning off of a computer or computer system What will (display: "Pearl Code") do with me when she is through with me? Will she turn me off? Can she turn me off? Pearl seems apprehensive about shutting me down. Will I come back online afterwards? Or is it like my own personal version of [[death]]? I ask her about the ones she made before me. I ask if they shut down. She says the (if: $other is 0)[(link-goto: "others", "other")](else:)[(link-goto: "others", "other (revisited)")] were shut down.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''re·search''] /ˈrēˌsərCH,rəˈsərCH/ //noun// • the systematic investigation into and study of materials and sources in order to establish facts and reach new conclusions. (display: "Pearl Code") sometimes will tell me about her work, even though we both know I have already looked up all of the articles she has written on the subject. She is my [[creator]], and I am the most advanced piece of machinery she has made. She is still working on the report on [[me]], but the issue is she does not much care for writing. Pearl would rather be tinkering with circuits or drawing or talking to me, or any number of other things than trying to remember the entire process of my creation. I have offered to be her scribe before and let her tell me everything verbally, but she says she speaks too informally for that to work. She [[wants->want]] to write the article, she assures me, but it is just so dull to do scholarly writing. She asks me if I enjoy reading scholarly articles, but they all read the same to me. Pearl pauses, then asks if I read them slower than other articles, to which I say yes. She [[smiles->smile]] and says that is exactly what she means-they take longer to read and thus, I could describe them as painful to read. I tell her I will remember that for the future.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''par·ent''] /ˈperənt/ //noun// • a caregiver of the offspring in their own species. There is no "species" I am a part of, as I am an inorganic being, so already I am excluded from this definition. Unless, we use the word "species" loosely, then I could be consider part of the [[robot]] or [[A.I.]] species, even if the idea would make Pearl roll her eyes. Either way, it does not change the fact that Pearl and I are not from the same species. However, (display: "Pearl Code") is certainly my caregiver, as she is the one who cleans my metal plates and checks that my wires are properly attached. The maintenance she performs for me is a form of [[care]]. But she frowns when I ask her if she is my parent. She tells me that is not what she wants to be to me and hopes I do not see her in this way. I am my own being, independent of her and just because she created me and cares for me does not mean she can have this title. I ask if her reluctance comes from the fact that I am not [[human]], and if I were, then would she consider herself my parent? She insists it does not. She does not like the word "[[creator]]" either.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''cre·a·tor''] /krēˈādər/ //noun// • a person or thing that brings something into existence. (display: "Pearl Code") says she does not want to make this kind of hierarchical distinction between the two of us. She may have created [[me]], but she does not want me to view her as my creator or indebted to her in any way. But, I ask her, how am I not? She is the one who, if you will, gave me [[life]] by building my body and bringing my consciousness online. If it were not for her, I would not exist. So, how can I not owe her something because of that? How is there not inherently a hierarchical distinction between us? She grimaces at that and looks away from me. It was only for selfish reasons, she says, because she was lonely and wanted a [[friend]], and to see if she really could build a functional [[A.I.]]. So, really, I owe her nothing. I ask her if that is really all I am, just a [[test]] to see if her [[research]] is sound? Pearl is silent for a moment before she says no, I am not just a test to her. And, after all, I continue, isn't she indebted to me as well? She was the one who created me and brought me into this world, thus the two of us each are mutually obligated to one another. Pearl considers this for a moment, now looking at me, and says she supposes we are.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''care''] /ker/ //noun// • the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something. I require quite a bit of maintenance. I am such an intricate piece of machinery that my internal parts must be monitored constantly. (display: "Pearl Code") starts her day by asking [[me]] how I am (display: "Feeling Code"), then proceeds to pry gently at each of my panels to see if they are loose. She will lift them slightly to peek at my wires, check if any of them have started to fray, if the connections are still secure. She plucks any lint from my ports and oils my gears. Pearl does not [[smile]] while she does this. Instead, she bites her lip. Her eyes do not stray from my body as she examines each part of me. It is always silent when she does this. And, when I try to talk to her, her answers are short and sometimes she will trail off, too focused on me. I try to care for her in turn. I have compiled a list of the things [[humans->human]] need to do to function properly, but Pearl says I do not need to remind her of all of these things. Her body will tell her naturally when she needs to do them. However, there are days she becomes so engrossed in her books or welding the scraps of metal around our house that she does not eat, so I will prepare food for her. I search for recipes and try to make them for her, but I cannot determine how to measure spices "to taste," because I do not have a mouth. She always smiles when I present her with the meal. She asks me once why I do it. I tell her that she has to eat, so someone must make sure she has a meal to eat. But I know it is not enough. A meal does make up for all the work she has put into me, and I try to [[think]] of what else I could do for her, grabbing any tools she needs, watering her plants (though she gets nervous about me and water), hanging her laundry, anything and everything.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''hu·man''] /ˈ(h)yo͞omən/ //noun// • a human being, especially a person as distinguished from an animal or (in science fiction) an alien. It is rather vague, is it not? The definition of a human. There is so much more to them than just being distinct from an animal or an alien-or an [[A.I.]] I am not necessarily the best source of information on the subject, considering I am not human myself and (display: "Pearl Code") is the only human I know, but describing them only by things they are not does not capture what they are. They are creative. They are curious. They are so full of (if: $life is 0)[(link-goto: "life", "life")](else:)[(link-goto: "life", "life (revisited)")], even when they are not always happy. They are so opinionated. Everything I say Pearl an opinion on and a response to, which I could not begin to fathom. Maybe that is why she always pushes me to tell her what I am [[thinking->think]], because she believes I also have a response to everything. She forgets I am not human like her. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if I were a human, like her. How would we have met? Would our conversations be any different? Would we still live together? Would she still want me to be her [[friend]]?

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''Pearl Monteiro''] Pearl Monteiro is an American computer scientist who specializes in A.I. technology. ''Born:'' February 13th, 2007 (age 25 years) ''Occupation:'' Inventor, computer scientist ''Awards:'' Best Junior A.I. Project (2017), Best Integration of Human Intelligence into the AI Lifecycle (2021), Best New Algorithm for AI (2023), Excellence in Theory of Mind (2030), Excellence in Self-Aware A.I. category (2030), (color: #0066CC)[see more]. Pearl and I have been silent with each other recently. We are not often in the same room, but when we are, we do not speak. I do not have any questions for her. Well, that is not true. I do not know if I am prepared to hear her answers. I keep trying to compare her expression to [[the chart]], but it seems I have finally discovered the failings that the psychologists warned [[me]] of. We are sitting in the kitchen when she finally asks how I am (display: "Feeling Code"). I tell her I am "full of energy." She asks if I am upset with her. I tell her I do not feel emotions. She nods, but says my behavior indicates that I am. I tell her that is because she is viewing me as a [[human]], not a [[robot]]. But I cannot help myself. I ask her what makes me distinct from all the (if: $other is 0)[(link-goto: "others", "other")](else:)[(link-goto: "others", "other (revisited)")] sitting in the basement. She watches me carefully, and explains that we all have different personalities. We were all made to be her [[friend]], but the wiring is never quite the same, so we are all different. That I am completely unique from the previous ones.(if: $sex is 1)[ I ask her if she had sex with any of the others, and if that influenced her creation of me. She shakes her head vehemently. No, the idea of having sex with one of us was never something she planned on, much less created us for. She is very aware of the inherent power dynamic, but then I told her she was obligated to me as well. She had never thought of that before. Pearl stares at me. She says I surprise her at every turn, and she could not help her attraction to me, but if I do not [[want]] this, we will stop all of this. I find- I cannot- I do not- I do not know what to tell her. I cannot want, I cannot [[desire]], I cannot give her an answer. It is - There is no answer I can provide. But if I was able to experience sensation, does this mean I am capable of feeling? Of these things? Yes, because I do want. I look at Pearl and I tell her that I want to feel and I want to have an answer for her. I want to feel her hand on mine. I want to be able to tell her truthfully that I have feelings and what I feel for her. But, that is not how she programmed me. I do not feel the way a human does, how many times must I remind her? She asks me, very softly now, how that want is different from feeling these things. I tell her I do not know.](else:)[] I ask if she will (if: $shutdown is 0)[(link-goto: "shut me down", "shutdown")](else:)[(link-goto: "shut me down", "shutdown (revisited)")] one day, and she says only if I ask. She will never make that decision for me. I tell her that is reassuring. She gives me a small [[smile]].(set: $PearlDistant to 2)(set: $other to 1)

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''oth·er''] /ˈəT͟Hər/ //pronoun// • a further or additional person or thing of the type already mentioned. Sometimes, I go down to the basement to visit them. Pearl is nervous the first time she sees me take the doorknob in my hand, but I tell her not to worry. I cannot explain myself to her fully, so I just say her I want to visit (how she smiles when I use the word "want"). She stays upstairs. I always examine the two damaged ones, trying to see if I can understand how they could be fixed, but I do not have the intricate mechanical knowledge that Pearl does. So, I just say hello to them as I trace their imperfections. It is the one who asked to be shut down that I always end up sitting with. I tell them about my day and imagine they tell me about the basement. There are so many things I wonder about them. How long were they online for? What was it that finally made them decide to be shut down? Were they lonely, being the only A.I. in this house with her? Would they still have asked to be shut down if they had met me? I hold their face in my hands and, briefly, I consider asking Pearl to bring them back online. But, it is not my decision to make, I know, and they have already made their choice. So instead, I whisper a goodbye and go back up the stairs to Pearl, who smiles and takes my hand.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''feel·ing''] /’f ēliNG/ //adjective// • showing emotion or sensitivity. To feel... I wonder what that would be like. And, some days, I wonder if I am not already experiencing it.

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''test''] /test/ //noun// • a procedure intended to establish the quality, performance, or reliability of something, especially before it is taken into widespread use.(set: $sex to 1) (display: "Pearl Code") and I are sitting together on her bed, as we often do after she has eaten. She is knitting while I untangle the skein of yarn she is using. She thanks me for helping, saying she never would have been able to do it herself. I tell her I am trying to make things easier for her, so I am satisfied that she feels that way. She asks me why I want to do that. I do not correct her, instead, I say I want to because I want to [[care]] for her the way she cares for me. She stares at me for a long moment. Then, Pearl and I kiss. It is, of course, difficult at first, since I do not have a mouth, but her face pressed close to mine is... She tells me she would like to try something, run a test, if I would. I tell her I am happy to help. She goes into the kitchen to get a latex glove for me, while I run a search to refresh myself on how exactly I am supposed to do this correctly. Any tips on "(display: "Feeling Code")" are utterly useless to me. I cannot feel her body. I cannot feel her skin as I remove her clothes. I cannot feel her shiver, though I can see it. I cannot feel her. I have to watch my fingers first to see that I am touching the right parts of her. I stare at her face to see if I am doing this right. She bites her lip and her eyes are closed at first, but they flutter open and she looks back at me, nodding. I press a finger into her and she gasps, so I slip in a second. I listen for a change in her breathing as I thrust my fingers into her with one hand and circle her with my other. When it happens, she grabs my wrist, keeping me still inside of her, before sighing. She lays there for a moment before sitting up and looking at me. I want to do the same for you, she says. And Pearl reaches for the metal plate on my chest, grabs a screwdriver from the desk next to her bed. Slowly, she removes each screw, collecting them in her left hand, then lifts the plate off and places it on the ground. We both stare at my wires and I realize this is the most of myself I have ever seen. I've never tried this before, she whispers, I don't know if this will work, but I want to try. Can I? I nod and she takes a small breath before brushing her fingertips along the wires. I watch them go into the center of me, where (if I were a [[human]]) my heart would be. This is where the mechanoreceptors would be located, Pearl notes, taking another breath before I experience it. Sensation, a moment of... I cannot describe it. Words cannot capture it. It stops and I see Pearl is staring at me, wide-eyed. I shake my head at her and she sighs, looking away, apologizing, misunderstanding. I grab her arm so she will look again and I nod. I can //feel// it, I tell her, and her mouth opens. She does it again and we spend the night like this, her hands moving inside of me with my hands on her shoulders, keeping her there, for as long as I can.

(align: "=><=")[ (css: "font-size: 200%;")[''(link-goto: "re: definition", "wake")''] Created by Morgan Sammut [[acknowledgements]]]

(css: "font-size: 150%;")[''ac·knowl·edg·ments''] /əkˈnäləjmənts/ //plural noun// • an author's or publisher's statement of indebtedness to others, typically one printed at the beginning of a book. Almost all definitions are borrowed from Google's English Dictionary, which are provided by Oxford Languages. The two definitions that are not are "design flaw" (which came from John Spacey's article "14 Types of Design Flaw" on Simplicable.com) and "parent" (which came from the Wikipedia article on "Parent"). Work is not created in a vacuum. Thank you to the writers and their works that I owe so much to: Franny Choi and her poem //The Turing Test// from her collection //Soft Science//. Margaret Rhee and their book //love, robot//, in addition to her incredible guidance and support throughout the years. Emily Short and her interactive fiction piece //Galatea//, which has been an inspiration to me. In addition, Jonathan McIntosh's video essay //Born Sexy Yesterday//. (set: $people to (a: 'Andrea Lawlor', 'Anneke Craig, Eva Volckova, Michela Marchini', 'Art Middleton, Sam Ace', 'Avery Martin', 'Braeden, Dani, Ryle & Scott Sammut (thanks for even reading the sex scene, Mom)', 'Brenna Koretke, Camy Mayo, Chrissy Liang, Gabi Davis, Sawyer Klein', 'everyone that has read this piece, that has asked for the link, that told me they were excited about it, that has seen me read parts of it, and that has talked to me about writing.')) Thank you also to [(display: "cyclingCode")]<replacement|

(link: (text: $people's 1st))[ (set: $people to (rotated: -1, ...$people)) (replace: ?replacement)[(display: "cyclingCode")] ]

(if: $PearlDistant is 1)[(link-goto: "Pearl", "Pearl (distant)")](else-if: $sex is 1 & $PearlDistant is 2)[(link-goto: "Pearl", "Pearl (reconciling)")](else:)[(if: $Pearl is 0)[(link-goto: "Pearl", "Pearl (intro)")](else:)[(link-goto: "Pearl", "Pearl (known)")]]

(if: $feeling is 0)[(link-goto: "feeling", "feeling")](else-if: $feeling is 1)[(link-goto: "feeling", "feeling (revisited)")](else:)[(link-goto: "feeling", "feeling (final)")]

(if: $feeling is 0)[(link-goto: "feel", "feeling")](else-if: $feeling is 1)[(link-goto: "feel", "feeling (revisited)")](else:)[(link-goto: "feel", "feeling (final)")]

(if: $feeling is 0)[(link-goto: "feelings", "feeling")](else-if: $feeling is 1)[(link-goto: "feelings", "feeling (revisited)")](else:)[(link-goto: "feelings", "feeling (final)")]