[[Don't text them]]
[["Hey."]]Time yawns as you stare at your screen. You don't really want to bother them.
Instead, you fall asleep.
End."Hey." The send button, though only pixels on a touch screen, feels heavy to press.
You stare at the screen. The silence of your dark bedroom weighing heavily over you.
After a few minutes of red-eyed frowning, it happens.
"Hey, what's up?"
[["Nm. U?"]]
[[You can still back out.]]"Nm. U?" you respond.
Ellipses dance as they type out an answer.
"Just watching stuff."
[["Oh, cool."]]
[["Hey, can I talk to you about something?"]]They responded, but you feel yourself pulling away, like a line of fishing wire were strung through your gut and then began to spool in.
You pretend you didn't see the message.
You go to sleep, instead.
End."Oh, cool."
"Are you okay?"
[["yeah i'm fine lol"]]
[["yeah. i'm fine."]]"Hey, can I talk to you about something?"
"yeah of course"
[["i don't wanna bring down the mood"]]"yeah. i'm fine."
"what's going on?"
[["idk. I've been kinda depressed lately."]]
[["just, you know, life i guess"]]
"yeah i'm fine lol"
"oh ok, lol. so what're you up to?"
[["just hanging out"]]"just hanging out"
"nice. doing anything interesting?"
[["not really"]]"not really"
"ok"
The conversation dies out from there. An hour passes before you feel it.
[[Don't text them]]"idk. I've been kinda depressed lately."
"need to talk about it?"
[["no, sorry"]]
[["...yeah"]]
[["i don't wanna bring down the mood"]]
"just, you know, life i guess"
"i feel that"
[["...yeah"]]"no, sorry"
"that's ok. hope you feel better soon"
"thanks"
"np. ily <3"
[["ily2"]]"...yeah"
"I'm here for you"
[["ok. thank you"]]"i don't wanna bring down the mood"
"it's fine, i'm here for you"
[["ok. thank you"]]You close your phone, but stare off into the void with a longing. You sigh, and roll over in bed.
End."ok. thank you"
"no problem"
[["i think ever since i turned 30 i've just been, idk, thinking about life"]]"i think ever since i turned 30 i've just been, idk, thinking about life"
"like a mid-life crisis"
"yeah sure, lol. 60 is a pretty old age for a trans person i guess"
"fuck"
"yeah, sorry"
"no it's fine, just dark i guess"
"sorry"
"it's ok, go on"
"but yeah, like. three decades. Coming up on half my life. [[and then what?]]""I die, and there's nothingness. Or there's something, but it's [[eternal]].""So either way, I'm in some sort of eternity. And that's scary. Idk why, but I always imagine the earth's plates just... folding over one another. Eventually, every atom that made me up will either be folded into the earth's mantle, consumed by the sun expanding, blown out into the void, and eventually slowly becomes nothing as the heat death of the universe balances out all energy into a [[standstill]]""and that just really scares me. And you'd think that fear would make me more motivated to live out my life, but i'm still just on... autopilot. I'm not doing anything. And death is going to happen to me no matter what. Just an existence so small and finite that it may as well have never been, even if my *soul will go on* or whatever"
You finish typing. The send button looms beneath your thumb. The focus of the whole universe leans in towards that button.
[[Send it]]
[[delete it. you can still back out]]You send it.
Day-long minutes pass. The ellipses eventually reanimate.
"Yeah. I know how you feel."
"Yeah. Like, shit, even eternal life scares me. All eternities scare me."
"maybe just the future scares you"
You had considered this before, but are comforted to know they have too.
"yeah. probably."
"that's normal."
[["thanks"]]You delete it.
"but yeah, i guess it's something like that."
The conversation becomes a few messages of comfort and affirmations, and withers away form there."thanks"
"I gotta head to bed. Hope you sleep well"
"Ok, have a good nite. Thanks"
"Night"
You two stop texting.
You don't feel better, but that's okay.
End.