Job Hunter

''You're unemployed.'' [[It happens.]] [[I am so fucking mad.]]

You're doing all that you can. You're (seq-link:"looking at the job listings","skimming the job titles","looking at the little company logos next to the job","clicking the listings with fun words in them"), your resume is (seq-link:"up-to-date","technically true","spelled correctly","borderline coherent"), and you're (seq-link:"a skilled and capable individual","above-average at some things","capable of following basic instructions","alive and can sit at a desk or whatever"). What else do you need to do to get someone to hire you? Maybe you should aquire some marketable skills. [[No.]] [[Fuck you.->No.]]

And it's justified! But [[anyway->It happens.]],

Maybe you just need to work on interview answers. Why don't we make you a script you can use when someone finally offers you an interview? What would you say your best quality is? (link: "My ability to work well with others.")[(set: $good_trait to "teamwork")(goto:"worst trait")] (link: "My strong work ethic.")[(set: $good_trait to "ethic")(goto:"worst trait")] (link: "My scrumptious calves.")[(set: $good_trait to "calves")(goto:"worst trait")] (link: "My astronomical THC tolerance.")[(set: $good_trait to "thc")(goto:"worst trait")]

Okay, cool, cool. Now, what would you say is your //worst// trait? (link: "I tend to take on too much.")[(set: $bad_trait to "overachiever")(goto:"bg check")] (link: "I constantly trip over chairs and tables and other people standing.")[(set: $bad_trait to "stumbles")(goto:"bg check")] (link: "I have a habit of selling drugs and weapons to children.")[(set: $bad_trait to "dealer")(goto:"bg check")] (link: "Everything that I do is in service of my debilitating addiction to cybernetic implants.")[(set: $bad_trait to "cyborg")(goto:"bg check")]

Great. Are you comfortable with a full background check? (link: "Of course, feel free.")[(set: $bg_check to "no_prob")(goto:"first interview")] (link: "Depends on whether you're comfortable with the results. ;)")[(set: $bg_check to "cheeky")(goto:"first interview")] (link: "You won't find a single trace of my existence.")[(set: $bg_check to "mystery")(goto:"first interview")]

I think we're off to a great start! Now, it looks like you got an email... (after:1s)[About one of your applications!] (after:2.5s)[(text-style:"rumble")[This is huge!]] (after:3.5s)[[[Read it!->read]]]

It's very boring so you just skim it, but you //do// see a time and a date. You got an interview, and they're looking to talk to you as soon as possible! It's online, so there isn't much work to be done other than making yourself look presentable. [[I will not.]] [[I'm going to get so hot so quick.]]

(set: $appearance to "nasty") Looking pretty bad! Do you want to at least comb your hair? [[NO.]] [[Ugh, okay.]]

(set: $appearance to "nice") Awesome! Ready to get started? [[Log on.]]

(set: $appearance to "extra nasty") Okay, gross! Why don't you log on? [[Log on.]]

Great. A little less bad but still pretty bad. Ready to get started? [[Log on.]]

Okay, (after:1s)[here] (after:1.5s)[we] (after:2s)[go.] (after:3s)[ (set: $first_int to 0) "Okay, is this... Can you see me?" [[Yeah.]] [[Unfortunately!]] ]

(set: $first_int to it + 1) "Great, great. My name is Michael Empleuyer, it's a pleasure to meet you." [[No, it's my pleasure to meet you.]] [[Well, I wouldn't call it a pleasure.]]

(set: $first_int to it - 1) "Hmm, okay, that's--that's not ideal. Uhhh..." He clears his throat and adjusts his tie. "My name is Michael Empleuyer. Pleasure to meet you." [[No, it's my pleasure to meet you.]] [[Well, I wouldn't call it a pleasure.]]

(set: $first_int to it + 1) "Oh, it's so delightful to see someone of your class respect their betters!" If you were in person, he would be giving you a tender pat on the head right now. "Are you ready to get started?" [[Yes.]]

(set: $first_int to it - 1) "Hmm. I don't love your tone. I won an award, you know. Multiple. Award...s. So I'm going to guess you don't know that and don't recognize the opportunity in front of you, which is fine, some people might find your ignorance refreshing. Humbling, even!" Mr. Empleyeur looks like he wants to throw up and cry at the same time. "Why don't we get started." [[Yes.]]

"I appreciate your flexibility, we're really looking to fill this position //quick// and so we need to fast-track interviews. So, to tell you a bit about us, we design artisinal dog treats laced with heartworm medication, as I'm sure you're aware, and we as a company truly value professionalism and quality." (if:$appearance is "nice")["I can tell you take pride in a professional appearance, which is a great sign." (set:$first_int to it + 1)] (elseif:$appearance is "nasty")["We'll... need to work with you on a more professional appearance. If you're hired." (set:$first_int to it - 1)] (elseif:$appearance is "extra nasty")["You look like absolute dogshit, which is a bit at odds with our values, so we'll definitely need to discuss that further." (set:$first_int to it - 2)] "Anyway, let's just get right to it. What would you say is your best quality?" [[Answer.]]

(if:$good_trait is "teamwork")[My ability to work well with others. "Teamwork! Wow, great, fantastic. Tons of people at the office that you'll need to work with. That's--that's great, fantastic."(set:$first_int to it + 1)] (elseif:$good_trait is "ethic")[My strong work ethic. "Ethics? We're not really big on--Oh, right, work ethic, yes, fantastic, great."(set:$first_int to it + 1)] (elseif:$good_trait is "calves")[My scrumptious calves. "Our dress code requires slacks, so those scrumptious calves won't really benefit the company."(set:$first_int to it - 1)] (elseif:$good_trait is "thc")[My astronomical THC tolerance. "Mmhm. That's great, okay."(set:$first_int to it - 2)] "And what would you say is your //worst// trait?" [[Answer. Again.]]

(if:$bad_trait is "overachiever")[I tend to take on too much. "An overachiever, huh? That's great to hear! Some people can't handle the high-stakes, no-breaks approach to business that we have here."(set:$first_int to it + 1)] (elseif:$bad_trait is "stumbles")[I constantly trip over chairs and tables and other people standing. "Yeah, it can be hard to...stay upright sometimes."] (elseif:$bad_trait is "dealer")[I have a habit of selling drugs and weapons to children. "Wow. What the fuck."(set:$first_int to it - 2)] (elseif:$bad_trait is "cyborg")[Everything that I do is in service of my debilitating addiction to cybernetic implants. "Well, we all have our vices, right?"(set:$first_int to it - 1)] "And are you comfortable with a comprehensive background check?" [[Time to answer.]]

(if:$bg_check is "no_prob")[Of course, feel free. "Great, great."(set:$first_int to it + 1)] (elseif:$bg_check is "cheeky")[Depends on whether you're comfortable with the results. ;) He just smiles at you, looking like he is moments away from fainting.(set:$first_int to it - 2)] (elseif:$bg_check is "mystery")[You won't find a single trace of my existence. "Well, what we don't know won't hurt us. ...that's probably not true. Anyway."(set:$first_int to it - 1)] "Okay, I think that's about all I had. We're really fast-tracking these interviews, so..." [[Yes?]]

(if:$first_int < -5)["I don't think I'm capable of overstating how horrible that interview was, and how much I, Michael Empleuyer, personally hate you. Both as an inidvidual and as a candidate. I honestly feel sick to my stomach." [[So did I get it?]]] (elseif:$first_int > 5)["This interview has been magical. I don't think I've ever been so impressed with a candidate before. If we weren't online I would be softly kissing your forehead right this minute. Thank you." [[So...I got it?]]] (else: )["I've had worse candidates and I've had better..." [[So did I get it?]]]

"You know, it's so hard these days with the, uh, budgets and economies...inflation and whatnot...and you seem to be looking for a wage that's quite out of our budget, and the breaks, and the work-life balance, and all that..." He smiles awkwardly. "We appreciate your time, but we've decided to move forward with candidates that better meet our needs at this time. [[Thank him and leave.]] [[Bite him.]]

The call ends. You open up your broswer, look at another job listing, and start all over again. ''THE END.''

You're online. [[I don't care.]] [[Oh, that's true.]]

You end the call, hop in your 2006 Toyota Corolla, and drive to Mr. Empleuyer's personal residence. You smash through his front window, charge directly towards his office (you downloaded and memorized his home's floorplan on the drive) and begin biting at him like you're a little cat and he is a silly feather on a string. At some point you must black out, because you wake up 16 hours later in an unrecognizable parking lot. You look to your left, and then you see it in the window. ''NOW HIRING'' THE END.

Yeah, so... [[Thank him and leave.]] [[I don't care.]]

"Well, we will certainly consider you, and you should know by next week if you can move on to round 2. If you do, we'll only need two more interviews after that and a brief, tiny, quick little comprehensive exam." [[Oh.]] [[Bite him.]] [[...]]

"Is there a problem?" [[Oh, no. No. ->...]] [[Bite him.]]

"It's been great. Ciao!" He logs off. Wow, what the fuck, right? ''THE END.''