You park your car in an unfamiliar parking lot beside an unfamiliar office building. You have your fancy clothes on, you've styled your hair (a rare occurence indeed) and printed out four copies of your resume on the highest quality card stock you could find at the Staples. You're ready to face this job interview. You've been out of work for about a month now chasing bad leads and binging on bad television. This new opportunity seems like it was sent from heaven; great location, great hours, amazing pay... the only obstacle keeping you from bathing in its wondrous riches is a face-to-face, mano el mano interview. [[Wait, I don't have to know Spanish for this job, do I?]] [[Si. I am ready.]]No, silly, you don't. Rest your precious head. You need to be in the zone for this gig; don't let the narrator's jokes kill your vibe. Are you ready for this interview or not? [[Si. I am ready.]] [[Nope, I'm freaking out.]] Yeah you are! Time to show them who's boss. Er, actually, you're meeting the boss. The boss is giving the interview. So you aren't the boss in this scenario. I mean, you're pretty boss, but you don't supervise anyone, even if you do get the job, so you're nobody's boss. You're not even your own boss. Anyway, it's time. [[Get your butt in there!]] Whoa there, what's wrong? [[I have no idea what this job is.]] [[My clothes are wrinkle city, population: at least sixteen wrinkles.]] [[I'm not qualified for this. I am a heap of inadequate garbage.]]Oh, you forgot? Here, check your phone. You can pull up that e-mail the company sent you on Friday. [[Pull up your e-mail like a responsible adult.]] [[Start playing that gem matching game you're incredibly addicted to.]] [[Check Twitter for absolutely zero reasons.]]Oh, it's not that bad. However, you should seriously consider investing in an ironing board and an iron. Or, there's always hanging up your clothes while you take a shower. The steam will take those pesky wrinkles out. There's also this wrinkle remover spray you could pick up; it's not a foolproof method by any means, but it's better than nothing. Are you ready now? Yes? No? [[Si. I am ready.]] [[Not really, but I guess I gotta do what I gotta do.]]Look at me. Hey. Look. You're the best. Your last boss loved you. You were like the office superstar. Remember when you brought in those donuts for Mary's brithday? Jason from customer service gave you a high five. A high five! You can have all of that again. You're so close. You just have to nail this interview. You ready now? [[Si. I am ready.]] [[Not really, but I guess I gotta do what I gotta do.]] Alright, let's see... spam... dating website junk... boyband newsletter... overdraft fee warning... Aha! There's the e-mail you're looking for. And... it tells you nothing. Well, it does tell you you have about 15 minutes before you'll be horribly late. [[Get your butt in there!]]Oh come on, you know better than that. One level, that's all you get. [[Match three gems.]]Really? What could have possibly changed on your news feed in the last half-hour? Oh, that show you like has a new episode tonight. Hahaha, someone made a clever topical joke. Most calico cats are female? Who knew? Okay, stop it. You're going to be late if you don't go in right this minite... [[Get your butt in there!]] That's right. Do you really want to keep eating Easy Mac (tm) for the rest your life? [[Get your butt in there!]] You drag your lazy self out of your sedan, straighten up your clothes and march your way towards the shiny building, head held high. You dodge some window cleaners gussying up the real estate and open the glass door wide. One lonely elevator trip to the sixteenth floor later... you find yourself at your destination. The front desk receptionist smiles and says hello. That's your cue, rockstar. [["Hello, I'm here for an interview at 2:30?"]] [["Hello, could you direct me to the restroom?"]] [["Hello, I'm here for the Magic: The Gathering Expo?"]]Nice, getting somewhere. [[Match four gems.]]Great combo! [[Match, like, an amazing quantity of gems.]]Dang! You beat your aunt's high score on this level. Only 856 more to go. But you wasted a bunch of time. You have fifteen minutes to get to your interview... [[Get your butt in there!]] The receptionist nods and asks, "Who is your interview with?" [["Bryce."]] [["Lauren."]] [["Dezilynn."]]The receptionist immediately stops smiling. "Down the hall, first door on the right-- wait, do you have an interview with us today?" You really don't handle pressure well, do you? [[Just nod, weirdo.]]The receptionist doesn't look amused. "Let me guess, here for an interview?" [[Just nod, weirdo.]] Wrong. "There's no one named Bryce at this company. I think you mean Lauren." Yeah, sure. You totally remembered. [["Lauren."]]The receptionist grabs her desk phone. "You can sit down, Lauren will be down in a few minutes." You sit in an uncomfortable chair, praying silently that Lauren takes her sweet, sweet time. Your discomfort ends quickly, however, as you notice that there is a neverending pile of magazines on the table in front of you! You love magazines! You should read one while you wait. [[Read "Sports Party."]] [[Read "Modern Snuggler."]] [[Read "Chihuahua Lifestyle."]] [[Read "Tech Log."]]Wrong. Hopelessly wrong. "That's not even a human's name. I think you mean Lauren." Oh! Right. That sounds a lot better. [["Lauren."]]The receptionist sighs and asks, "Who is your interview with?" [["Bryce."]] [["Lauren."]] [["Dezilynn."]]You crack open "Sports Party" to find an article about the Canadian Curling team. "Man they're attractive," you think to yourself. In your peripheral vision you notice a woman enter the room. That's probably Lauren. Get that handshakin' hand shake-ready! [[Get up and do your thang!]] [[Stay sitting and make Lauren awkward.]]You crack open "Modern Snuggler" to find an article with twenty HOT TIPS for expert snuggling! Very educational. In your peripheral vision you notice a woman enter the room. That's probably Lauren. Get that handshakin' hand shake-ready! [[Get up and do your thang!]] [[Stay sitting and make Lauren awkward.]]You crack open "Chihuahua Lifestyle" to find several pictures of chihuahuas wearing tiny, tiny sweaters. You're not sure if you're charmed or disturbed. In your peripheral vision you notice a woman enter the room. That's probably Lauren. Get that handshakin' hand shake-ready! [[Get up and do your thang!]] [[Stay sitting and make Lauren awkward.]]You crack open "Tech Log 2.0" to find... ugh, absolutely nothing. It's like a MacBook vomited on all the pages. There aren't even any pictures. In your peripheral vision you notice a woman enter the room. That's probably Lauren. Get that handshakin' hand shake-ready! [[Get up and do your thang!]] [[Stay sitting and make Lauren awkward.]]You stand up, straighten up your clothes again, and face the woman as she approaches you. "Ah, you're my 2:30?" [["Yes, nice to meet you!" (Shake hand.)]] [["I'm your worst nightmare." (Shake hand?)]]You remain sitting. Lauren gets closer but slows down when she realizes you're not getting up. "Um, are you my 2:30?" [["Yes, nice to meet you!" (Shake hand.)]] [["I'm your worst nightmare." (Shake hand?)]] Lauren smiles. "Follow me, we'll conduct the interview in this room over here." You follow Lauren down a hall, around a few corners, down some stairs, past some cubicles, down more stairs, accross a rickety bridge, above hot coals, up a towering ladder, until at last you reach a room with a really long table. "Have a seat right here." [[Sit down and shaddup.]]Lauren cringes. "Follow me, we'll conduct the interview in this room over here." You follow Lauren down a hall, around a few corners, down some stairs, past some cubicles, down more stairs, accross a rickety bridge, above hot coals, up a towering ladder, until at last you reach a room with a really long table. "Have a seat right here." [[Sit down and shaddup.]]Here's the moment you've been preparing for. Lauren faces you on the other side of the table. Her hands may be physically empty, but you know that within them lies your future. You know those dreams of having a livelihood and a family? Buying everything you've ever wanted? Subscribing to HBO Now on your Apple TV after your first paycheck? All this and more rides on this very conversation. You brace yourself as Lauren opens her mouth to deliver the first question. "So... why do you think you'd be a good fit for this company?" [["I'm a leader."]] [["I have no idea."]] [["I like money a whole lot."]]Lauren is quiet at first, but then she moves back in her chair. You start to panic inside. What did you do? Was that wrong? Are you wrong? Are you already bombing this interview? Is that some kind of record?! "We're not looking for leaders here. This is a call center? We just need people to follow the script we give them." Your jaw drops. "I don't know if this job is right for you." [[Freak out!]]Lauren is quiet at first, but then she moves back in her chair. You start to panic inside. What did you do? Was that wrong? Are you wrong? Are you already bombing this interview? Is that some kind of record?! "We're a creative company? You know? So we, you know, like ideas? We think ideas are the future." You brace for the worst. "I don't know if this job is right for you." [[Freak out!]]Lauren is quiet at first, but then she moves back in her chair. You start to panic inside. What did you do? Was that wrong? Are you wrong? Are you already bombing this interview? Is that some kind of record?! "We're actually very anti-capitalist here, you know? We don't pay our employees with money, you know, we pay them with life experience. You know?" Your jaw drops. "I don't know if this job is right for you." [[Freak out!]]Oh now you've done it. You were four, maybe five seconds from wildin', but now you've unleashed the beast. You knock over your chair, pound your chest like a gorilla, take a sip out of Lauren's coffee, and then run crazily out of the room. Lauren gazes in awe at the primal being she has created. Congratulations. Job interviews have literally turned you into a heap of inadequate garbage. Yay! THE END