problem

In order to figure out whether or not you should apologize, there are some questions you should ask yourself.\n\n\n''Are you sincere in your desire to apologize?''\n<<replace "I don't actually feel sorry.">>\nRegardless of how you feel inside, are you willing to go through the //actions// of sincere apology? Are you willing to make amends? If not, hold off on apologizing and search your heart until you're ready. <<endreplace>>\n\n\n''Do you feel more sorry for yourself than you do for the person who was hurt?''\n<<replace "I feel worse for myself.">>\nRemember: this is not about you and your feelings. Being hurt by your actions is not something that someone did //at// you. Do not apologize until you feel sincerely remorseful about the impact your actions had on the other person, and not simply remorseful that your actions had an impact on you.<<endreplace>>\n\n\n''Are you prepared for the possibility that your apology will not be accepted?''\n<<replace "I'm afraid I won't be forgiven.">>\nThe person you hurt owes you nothing, including forgiveness. The purpose of apology is not to solicit or recieve forgiveness or acceptance. It is to express acknowledgment that you hurt the other person.<<endreplace>>\n\n\n''Is there a chance that reconnecting with the person you hurt in order to apologize will hurt them more?''\n<<replace "We have not spoken in a long time, or they have requested I leave them alone.">>\nIt's important to respect the desires of the person you hurt, first and foremost. Do not re-victimize someone by ignoring their boundaries.<<endreplace>>\n\n[[I want help crafting the right apology.|apology-high]]\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-high]]\n

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[How To Overcome Insecurity: Why Am I So Insecure?|https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/201702/living-loneliness]]\n[[5 Things To Do When You Feel Insecure|https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/08/5-things-to-do-when-you-feel-insecure/]]\n[[7 Ways To Let Go Of Insecurity In Your Relationship|https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-ways-let-insecurity-your-relationship.html]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]\n

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I was [emotion], and I expressed my [emotion] inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my [emotion] as an excuse: I am an adult and my feelings are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-other1]]

There are three kinds of amends.\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the "flirtation" to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend counseling or support groups, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[When Does Flirting Become Cheating? 9 Red Flags |https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/07/06/when-does-flirting-become-cheating-9-red-flags/]]\n[[Sexual Assault Is Universal. Recovery Isn't|http://www.truth-out.org/opinion/item/42473-sexual-assault-is-universal-recovery-isn-t]]\n[[Flirtation Or Sexual Harassment? Here's How To Tell The Difference|https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/womens-blog/2014/apr/10/sexual-harassment-flirting-six-differences]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I made an inappropriate joke, and I didn't take your feelings into account.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my attempt at humor as an excuse: I am an adult and my actions are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-joke]]

You didn't mean to harm someone. They even thanked you for the compliment.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|compliment2]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Anger And Depression: How One Can Lead To Another|https://www.angermanagementresource.com/anger-and-depression.html]]\n[[Why Did I Do That? The Psychology Of Secondary Gain|https://drhurd.com/2014/12/02/50104/]]\n[[Anger Management: 10 Tips To Tame Your Temper|https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20045434]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

You didn't mean to harm someone with your joke. And no matter who else thought it was funny, it hurt the person you were joking about.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|joke2]]

That's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-joke]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-joke]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-joke]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-joke]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-angry]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-angry]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-angry]]

Am I Part Of The Problem?

You meant to harm someone because you were lonely.\n\nIt's not an excuse, just a fact. \n\nThat's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-lonely]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-lonely]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-lonely]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-lonely]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I was lonely, and I expressed my loneliness inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my loneliness as an excuse: I am an adult and my feelings are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-lonely]]

That's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-other]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-other]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-other]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-other]]

You didn't mean to harm someone, it was only flirting.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|flirt2]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-depressed]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-depressed]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-depressed]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I tried to flirt with you/someone else, and instead I just acted inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my attempt at flirtation as an excuse: I am an adult and my actions are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-flirt]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-drunk]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-drunk]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-drunk]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I wanted to compliment you, and instead I acted inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my attempt at a compliment as an excuse: I am an adult and my actions are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-compliment]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-desperate]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-desperate]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-desperate]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I was jealous, and I expressed my jealousy inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my jealousy as an excuse: I am an adult and my feelings are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-jealous]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I don't even know why I did it, but I acted inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//That's not an excuse: I am an adult and my actions are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-dunno]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-unsure]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-unsure]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-unsure]]

You didn't mean to harm someone. You had your reasons for what you did. \n\nBut //intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|othermeant2]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the "compliment" you made to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about the way you complimented that person was harmful to them? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. What changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[9 Types Of Compliments And Why They Work (Or Not) |https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201305/9-types-compliments-and-why-they-work-or-not]]\n[[6 Differences Between Compliments And Sexual Harassment|https://www.bustle.com/articles/187570-6-essential-differences-between-compliments-sexual-harassment]]\n[["Model Minority" Seems Like A Compliment, But It Does Great Harm|https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2015/10/16/the-effects-of-seeing-asian-americans-as-a-model-minority/model-minority-seems-like-a-compliment-but-it-does-great-harm]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by Alcoholics Anonymous. If you are an alcoholic and not yet ready to make amends, please find your local AA chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the drunken incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Am I Alcoholic? Self-Test|https://www.ncadd.org/get-help/take-the-test/am-i-alcoholic-self-test]]\n[[6 Realistic Tips to Reduce Your Drinking, Without Quitting Altogether|http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/2017/05/01/6-realistic-tips-to-reduce-your-drinking-without-quitting-altog_a_22038024/]]\n[[Drunk Talk Is Real Talk: The Science Behind What You Said Last Night|https://www.elitedaily.com/life/culture/drunk-talk-real-talk/704272]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I felt insecure, and I expressed my insecurity inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my insecurity as an excuse: I am an adult and my feelings are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-insecure]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-compliment]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-compliment]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-compliment]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I was drunk, and I acted inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my drunkenness as an excuse: I am an adult and my actions are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-drunk]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-dunno]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-dunno]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-dunno]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Living With Loneliness|https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/201702/living-loneliness]]\n[[Depression And Risky Behavior|https://www.webmd.com/depression/features/depression-and-risky-behavior]]\n[[Overcoming Loneliness And Neediness In Your Relationship|https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/loneliness/]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]\n

You didn't mean to harm someone. You're not even in control when you're high.\n\nBut it is your responsibility to control if you're high.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|high2]]

That's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-self]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-self]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-self]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-self]]

You didn't mean to harm someone, it was just a compliment.\n\n[[They even thanked me.|thank]]\n[[They didn't thank me.|nothanks]]

You meant to harm someone and you still don't know why.\n\nIt's not an excuse, just a fact. \n\nThat's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-unsure]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-unsure]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-unsure]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-unsure]]

The information you give here is not being recorded and will never be shared. \n\nThe intent of this exercise is not forgiveness or empathy.\n\nInstead, it will give you understanding and next steps.\n\n[[Next|intro]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I was high, and I acted inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention being high as an excuse: I am an adult and my actions are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-high]]

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Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-other1]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-other1]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-other1]]

You didn't mean to harm someone, it was just a joke.\n\n[[But they didn't laugh.|nolaugh]]\n[[They even laughed.|laughed]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-flirt]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-flirt]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-flirt]]

You didn't mean to harm someone. You're not even in control when you drink.\n\nBut it is your responsibility to control if you drink.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|drunk2]]

Elizabeth Sampat

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Jealousy Is A Killer: How To Break Free From Your Jealousy|https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/200805/jealousy-is-killer-how-break-free-your-jealousy]]\n[[Repairing Damage To Relationships While Having Conflict|https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/repairing-damage-to-relationships-while-having-conflict/]]\n[[How I Learned To Stop Being So Jealous And Finally Get On With My Life|https://lifehacker.com/how-i-learned-to-stop-being-so-jealous-and-finally-get-1529920256]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Motives And Motivations Matter|https://www.joshuakennon.com/motives-and-motivations-matter/]]\n[[Why Did I Do That? The Psychology Of Secondary Gain|https://drhurd.com/2014/12/02/50104/]]\n[[25 Questions That Help You Understand Yourself And Unlock Your Potential|http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/25-questions-help-you-understand-yourself-and-unlock-your-potential.html]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-lonely]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-lonely]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-lonely]]

You didn't mean to harm someone, you were just drunk.\n\n[[But I'm not in control myself when I drink.|control]]\n[[I'm not in control when I drink.|nocontrol]]

Hi.\n\nIt's good that you're [[here.|here]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I was only thinking about myself, and I acted inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention being self-absorbed as an excuse: I am an adult and my actions are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-self]]

That's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-compliment]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-compliment]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-compliment]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-compliment]]

You meant to harm someone because you were angry.\n\nIt's not an excuse, just a fact. \n\nThat's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-angry]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-angry]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-angry]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-angry]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I was angry, and I expressed my anger inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my anger as an excuse: I am an adult and my feelings are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-angry]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I was depressed, and I expressed my depression inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my depression as an excuse: I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-depressed]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-other]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-other]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-other]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-jealous]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-jealous]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-jealous]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I honestly don't even know why I did what I did.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't say that as an excuse: I am an adult and my actions are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-unsure]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the joke you made to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about the joke you made was harmful to another person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of jokes at someone's expense. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. What changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Do You Wish The Teasing Would Stop?|https://www.thespruce.com/do-you-wish-teasing-would-stop-2300645]]\n[[Abuse Disguised As A Joke|http://verbalabusejournals.com/about-abuse/what-is-verbal-abuse/types-of-verbal-abuse/abuse-disguised-joke/]]\n[[Tweet Thread: Why Jokes Are Never "Just" Jokes|https://twitter.com/5thCircAppeals/status/763098172633657344?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.attn.com%2Fstories%2F10582%2Flawyer-tweets-about-why-we-shouldnt-laugh-donald-trumps-jokes]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-insecure]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-insecure]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-insecure]]

You meant to harm someone because you were depressed.\n\nIt's not an excuse, just a fact. \n\nThat's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-depressed]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-depressed]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-depressed]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-depressed]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find your local NA chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Am I Drug Addicted? Self-Test|https://www.ncadd.org/get-help/take-the-test/am-i-drug-addicted]]\n[[5 Telltale Signs Of A High-Functioning Addict|https://drugabuse.com/5-telltale-signs-of-a-high-functioning-addict/]]\n[[Drunk Talk Is Real Talk: The Science Behind What You Said Last Night|https://www.elitedaily.com/life/culture/drunk-talk-real-talk/704272]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

The examples used here are just examples. Take some time and sit with your feelings, and use your own words.\n\n<<replace "A good apology takes responsibility and expresses remorse for action and intent.">>//When I [action], I understand that I [impact]. I was desperate, and I expressed my desperation inappropriately.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A good apology also contains no equivocation, excuses, or justifications for the action that caused someone pain.">>//I don't mention my desperation as an excuse: I am an adult and my feelings are my own to manage. I failed in my personal responsibility, and that directly caused you harm. For that, I am sorry.//<<endreplace>>\n\n<<replace "A sincere apology does not come with an expectation of forgiveness.">>//This is not a request for forgiveness; it is an acknowledgement of wrongdoing and an expression of remorse.//<<endreplace>>\n\nApologies can also include an outline for how you plan to [[make amends.|amends-desperate]]

You didn't mean to harm someone. You don't even know why you did it. But you're still responsible for your actions, even when you do not understand your own motives.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|dunno2]]

You didn't mean to harm someone. But even when you drink, you have responsibility over your own actions.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|drunk2]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[15 Signs Of Self-Absorbed People|https://www.lifehack.org/325656/15-signs-self-absorbed-people-2]]\n[[Your Guide To Understanding Self-Centered People|https://nobullying.com/self-centered/]]\n[[6 Keys For Narcissists To Change Towards The Higher Self|https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201410/6-keys-narcissists-change-toward-the-higher-self]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

You meant to harm someone because you were desperate.\n\nIt's not an excuse, just a fact. \n\nThat's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-desperate]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-desperate]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-desperate]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-desperate]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Desperation: It's Beyond Fear And Anxiety|http://www.cushnir.com/archives/1778]]\n[[Ask Dr. Nerdlove: What's Wrong With Being Desperate?|http://www.doctornerdlove.com/ask-dr-nerdlove-whats-wrong-desperate/]]\n[[How To Make Friends Without Looking Desperate|https://intervarsity.org/blog/how-make-friends-without-looking-desperate]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

You didn't mean to harm someone. But they didn't thank you for the compliment, either.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|compliment2]]

That's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-high]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-high]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-high]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-high]]

You didn't mean to harm someone, you were just high.\n\n[[But I'm not in control myself when I drink.|controlhigh]]\n[[I'm not in control when I drink.|nocontrolhigh]]

You're here because someone felt hurt by your actions, whether or not you intended to hurt that person. \n\nThere's a saying: "Intent isn't magic."\n\nThat means that whether you intend to harm someone does not change whether that person was harmed.\n\nBut: intent is still real, and it matters.\n\n[[I did mean to harm someone.|intentional]]\n\n[[I did not mean to harm someone.|unintentional]]

You didn't mean to harm someone. But even when you're high, you have responsibility over your own actions.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|high2]]

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Depression Hurts You And The Ones You Love|https://www.angermanagementresource.com/depression-hurts.html]]\n[[Depression And Risky Behavior|https://www.webmd.com/depression/features/depression-and-risky-behavior]]\n[[The Warning Signs That Depression Is Affecting Your Relationship|https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/mind-guest-blog/the-warning-signs-that-depression-is-affecting-your-relationship/]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]\n

No matter what you did, the only way to begin to move forward is to take responsibility and make amends.\n\nAdmitting that you caused harm is not weakness: it is strength and empathy.\n\nMaking a sincere apology does not just begin the healing process for the victim, but for you as well.\n\nConfide in a friend or loved one - NOT the person you harmed - about your plans for making amends. Ask them to keep you accountable to your goals.\n\nI wish you the best of luck in the future.

You didn't mean to harm someone, you were just thinking about yourself.\n\nBut not thinking about others is, in itself, a kind of choice.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|self2]]

That's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-flirt]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-flirt]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-flirt]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-flirt]]

That's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-drunk]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-drunk]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-drunk]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-drunk]]

You meant to harm someone, but you had your reasons.\n\nIt's not an excuse, just a fact. \n\nThat's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-other1]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-other1]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-other1]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-other1]]

You didn't mean to harm someone with your joke. And even if they laughed at the time, it hurt the person you were joking about.\n\n//Intent// is what you meant to do.\n\n//Impact// is the [[effect your action had on others.|joke2]]\n\n

There are three kinds of amends. ("Making Amends" is also the fifth step in the twelve-step program used by various Addiction Anonymous groups. If you are an addict and not yet ready to make amends, please find a local chapter.)\n\n__Direct Amends__ are when you make amends directly with the person you hurt. This can involve a deep conversation, and usually involves making whatever reparations the person you hurt finds necessary. You may be asked to talk to each person who witnessed the incident to let them know what you did was wrong; you may be asked to change your behavior in the future, attend support groups, pay for any physical damages, or any number of things. Direct amends are the appropriate next step after an apology is accepted.\n\n__Indirect Amends__ are made when direct amends aren't possible— because the person you hurt doesn't want to speak to you, or because the damage done cannot be directly mitigated. What about your behavior was harmful to that person? You can donate money to a cause important to the person you hurt (or to people or organizations that work to prevent the kind of hurt you caused). You can speak up when you see other people make the same kinds of misstep. Ask yourself: how can I keep this from happening to others in the future?\n\n__Living Amends__ are when you live your life as an example to others. Depending on your behavior and the severity of harm, you could seek psychological or spiritual assistance. What other changes can you make in your own life in order to prevent future harm? What meaningful actions can you take?\n\nFor additional reading:\n[[Motives And Motivations Matter|https://www.joshuakennon.com/motives-and-motivations-matter/]]\n[[Why Did I Do That? The Psychology Of Secondary Gain|https://drhurd.com/2014/12/02/50104/]]\n[[25 Questions That Help You Understand Yourself And Unlock Your Potential|http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/25-questions-help-you-understand-yourself-and-unlock-your-potential.html]]\n\n[[Click here to continue|end]]

You meant to harm someone because you were insecure.\n\nIt's not an excuse, just a fact. \n\nThat's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-insecure]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-insecure]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-insecure]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-insecure]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-joke]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-joke]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-joke]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-self]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-self]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-self]]

You meant to harm someone because you were jealous.\n\nIt's not an excuse, just a fact. \n\nThat's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-jealous]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-jealous]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-jealous]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-jealous]]

Here's the thing: the question of whether this makes you a bad person is //irrelevant.//\n\nI know it doesn't feel that way.\n\nBut the problem with asking the question "Does this action make me a bad person?" makes the situation about you, and not about the person you harmed.\n\nThis is just a procedural website. It doesn't know what's in your heart. That's between you and, if you believe in one, a higher power.\n\nI can't tell you if you are a bad person.\n\nI can only tell you that focusing on the person you hurt is an important part of being a //good// person.\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-high]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-high]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-high]]

That's why this experience does not require that you reveal what it was you did. \n\nThis is about the impact of what you did, and how to move forward. \n\n[[I'm worried that I'm a bad person.|amibad-dunno]]\n\n[[I don't know if I should apologize.|shouldi-dunno]]\n\n[[I want to apologize.|shouldi-dunno]]\n\n[[I can't apologize.|amends-dunno]]

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