(set: $footer to false)It is a lovely morning in the mansion, and you are a [[horrible ghost]].(if: (saved-games:) contains "introSeen")[
[[SKIP INTRO|porch]]]Tonight, the new owner will move in and you will have to put up with them (link-reveal: "(text-style: 'blur')[until they die]")[==.
(link-reveal: "A living person.")[==
(link-reveal: "Breathing everywhere.")[==
(link-reveal: "Sweating on the furniture.")[==
(link-reveal: "(text-style: 'blur')[Pooping] down your nice spooky drains.")[==
[[You won't stand for this.]]{
(set: $footer to true)
(set: $minutes to 6 * 60)
(set: $spookiness to 0)
(set: $modifications to (a:))
(set: $porchLight to (dm: "name", "porchLight", "minutes", 30, "spookiness", 0.25))
(set: $paintings to (dm: "name", "paintings", "minutes", 120, "spookiness", 3))
(set: $computer to (dm: "name", "computer", "minutes", 60, "spookiness", 1.5))
(set: $atticNoises to (dm: "name", "atticNoises", "minutes", 45, "spookiness", 2))
(set: $wardrobe to (dm: "name", "wardrobe", "minutes", 180, "spookiness", 2))
(set: $origamiSwan to (dm: "name", "origamiSwan", "minutes", 90, "spookiness", -5))
(set: $ectoplasm to (dm: "name", "ectoplasm", "minutes", 45, "spookiness", 1.5))
(set: $knives to (dm: "name", "knives", "minutes", 180, "spookiness", 3))
(set: $clock to (dm: "name", "clock", "minutes", 30, "spookiness", 1))
(set: $scrawl to (dm: "name", "scrawl", "minutes", 60, "spookiness", 1))
(set: $deadBird to (dm: "name", "deadBird", "minutes", 60, "spookiness", 0.5))
}[[You really won't.]]There's only (link-reveal: "one thing for it...")[==
You're going to have to (link-reveal: "spook the place up.")[==
Get it nice and...(live: 1s)[==(stop:)
(link-reveal: "(text-size: 2)[(text-style: 'shudder')[SPOOKEH!!!]]")[==
Make sure that they [[don't stay]]...It is (link-reveal: "11am.")[==
The new owner arrives at (link-reveal: "5pm.")[==
[[You have 6 hours.|porch]](save-game: "introSeen")(set: $footer to true)You are standing (unless: (history:) contains "porch")[- well, hovering - ]in the porch, the spooky and imposing threshold to any haunted house.
(unless: $modifications contains "porchLight")[You suppose it could be spookier, though.(if: $minutes >= $porchLight's minutes)[ You could [[make the porch light flicker|porchLight]] ((print: $porchLight's minutes) minutes).]](else:)[The light (live: 0.5s)[(text-colour: (either: "white", "white", "transparent"))[flickers]] in a vaguely sinister manner. You're confident it'll be more scary come nighttime.]
From here you can enter the [[hallway]].(if: $footer is true)[==
---
Time remaining: (unless: (floor: $minutes / 60) <= 0)[(print: (floor: $minutes / 60)) hours](unless: ((floor: $minutes / 60) <= 0) or ($minutes % 60) is 0)[, ](unless: $minutes % 60 <= 0)[(print: $minutes % 60) minutes](if: $minutes <= 0)[NONE].
Spookiness: $spookiness/10
(unless: (history:) contains "END PREPARATIONS" or (passage:)'s name is "END PREPARATIONS")[\
[[END PREPARATIONS]]](align: "=><=")[<img height="250px" src="images/porch.png"><audio autoplay src="audio/porch.mp3">]
{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $porchLight's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $porchLight's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $porchLight's spookiness)
}You spend a full (print: $porchLight's minutes) minutes gunking up the porch light with ectoplasm, causing it to flicker in a spooky fashion.
This used to be way easier before everybody got those energy efficient bulbs. You're just glad this place doesn't have those LED ones yet - they're pretty much un-gunkable.
[[You admire your handiwork before moving on.|porch]](align: "=><=")[<img height="250px" src="images/hallway.png">]
Truly the hallway is the spooky heart of the house.
There's not much you could spook up here, but there are plenty of places you can go: the [[porch]], the [[study]], the [[living room]], the [[drawing room]], and the [[kitchen]].
There's also the [[stairs]].(unless: $modifications contains "computer")[Oh, man! You didn't spot it coming in from the moving van, but there's a computer in here! It's an old one: one of those big, beige boxes with a chunky CRT monitor.
Computers are very spooky, and old computers are the spookiest.(if: $minutes >= $computer's minutes)[ You could totally [[do some spooky computer stuff|computer]] ((print: $computer's minutes) minutes) - that would be really scary!]
](else:)[The computer in the study is as possessed as possessed can be! There's nothing more you can do here.
(text-color: "orange")[|computerText>[(either: "BOO!", "LOOK BEHIND YOU!", "WINDOWS NEEDS TO UPDAAAAAAAAATE!", "ALL YOUR HOUSE ARE BELONG TO US!", "I CAN HAS EXORCISM?", "ERROR 404: PHANTOM NOT FOUND")]](live: 4s)[(replace: ?computerText)[(either: "BOO!", "LOOK BEHIND YOU!", "WINDOWS NEEDS TO UPDAAAAAAAAATE!", "ALL YOUR HOUSE ARE BELONG TO US!", "I CAN HAS EXORCISM?", "ERROR 404: PHANTOM NOT FOUND")]] says the computer.
]The only place you can go from here is the [[hallway]].Plenty of ways to spooken up a living room.
You could [[hide the remote]], for one.
(unless: $modifications contains "clock")[There's also a clock here. (unless: $minutes < $clock's minutes)[You could [[make that turn backwards|clock]]!](else:)[You could make that turn backwards, but ironically there's no time!]](else:)[Also the big fancy wall clock is spinning around and around in reverse. That's pretty spooky!]
From here you can reach the [[hallway]]. There's also a handy door to the [[kitchen]]!Okay, honesty time. You might have been a big-house fancypants in life, but you never did quite work out what a drawing room was actually for.
You assume drawing, but you're also 90% sure that's wrong.
(unless: $modifications contains "scrawl")[Nevertheless, seems like the spookiest thing you could do in here would be to daub something sinister on the walls. (if: $minutes >= $scrawl's minutes)[Looks like it's time to [[break out the brushes|scrawl]]! ((print: $scrawl's minutes) minutes)](else:)[Too bad there's not enough time!]](else:)[Nevertheless, you have plastered a nice big (text-colour: orange)[GET OUT] across the wall, with a slightly smaller (text-colour: orange)[I KNOW WHAT YOU DID] for good measure.
Everybody's done something, after all...]
Nowhere to go from here but the [[hallway]].A kitchen can be spooky!
(unless: $modifications contains "knives")[A //Beauty and the Beast//-style conga line of dancing knives would definitely be spooky. (if: $minutes >= $knives's minutes)[You could [[animate a table-full of dancing knives|knives]]! ((print: $knives's minutes) minutes)](else:)[Too bad there's not enough time to do all that.]](else:)[(text-style: "fidget")[A sinister yet surprisingly well choreographed collection of wickedly sharp kitchen utensils taps out a lively little number on the counter.]]
From here you can reach the [[hallway]] and, handily, the [[living room]].The stairs are lined with family portraits.
The new owner's that is - not yours. Yours were all taken down a couple of hundred years ago.
(unless: $modifications contains "paintings" or $minutes < $paintings's minutes)[You could probably [[make some spooky edits|paintings]] to those ((print: $paintings's minutes) minutes).
](if: $modifications contains "paintings")[You've used your considerable spectral artistic ability to make them as (live: 0.5s)[(text-rotate: (random: -30, 30))[spooky]] as possible.
]From here you can go upstairs to the [[landing]] or downstairs to the [[hallway]].{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $paintings's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $paintings's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $paintings's spookiness)
}You take (print: $paintings's minutes) minutes to mix up a palette of hideously spooky ectoplasm-based paint. It glows in the dark and it never washes off. It also, weirdly, smells just like blue raspberry freezy pops (at least until it dries).
You give all the paintings evil glowing eyes, angry eyebrows, and add a pencil moustache to one of them for good measure. You also enchant them to flap about a bit. It's //very// scary: not the sort of thing anyone can pass off as "the house settling" or "rats doing something, I dunno."
[[Definitely some of your finest work.|stairs]]The landing is another one of those places that's not really a good candidate for spookification in itself, but offers access to plenty of more promising prospects.
In this case, there's the [[main bedroom]], the [[guest bedroom]], the [[bathroom]], and the [[attic]].
There's also the [[stairs]].Alright. When it comes to spooking up a house, what you do with the place the owner has to sleep is kind of a big factor in how scary it is.
(unless: $modifications contains "wardrobe")[There's a wardrobe here.(if: $minutes >= $wardrobe's minutes)[ You could [[make it so it keeps popping open all night|wardrobe]] ((print: $wardrobe's minutes) minutes).]](else:)[The wardrobe door hangs open slightly. Thanks to your efforts, it'll never quite close securely...]
(unless: $modifications contains "origamiSwan")[The bed itself is also a prime target. (if: $minutes >= $origamiSwan's minutes)[You could...I don't know...[[fold the duvet up like an origami swan]]? ((print: $origamiSwan's minutes) minutes)]](else:)[The duvet on the bed is folded to look like a soft, fluffy swan. Why did you think this was a good idea?(if: $minutes >= $origamiSwan's minutes)[ You're almost tempted to take another (print: $origamiSwan's minutes) minutes and [[unfold the thing]]!]]
The only place you can go from here is back to the [[landing]].Sorry, no.
There's simply nothing scary to be done with an empty guest bedroom.
(unless: $modifications contains "deadBird")[Unless you just leave a dead bird in there or something... (if: $minutes >= $deadBird's minutes)[Actually, you know what, you could [[leave a dead bird in here|deadBird]] ((print: $deadBird's minutes) minutes).](else:)[But then, you're not sure where you'd find one at such short notice.]](else:)[(The dead bird you've left in here is probably not so much scary as it is gross.)]
[[Back to the landing, maybe?|landing]]The bathroom!
Your beloved bathroom!
Your beloved (text-style: "blur")[drains]...
It's perfect just the way it is!(unless: $modifications contains "ectoplasm" or $minutes < $ectoplasm's minutes)[ But of course, things could always be just a little better with [[a generous slathering of ectoplasm]]... ((print: $ectoplasm's minutes) minutes)](if: $modifications contains "ectoplasm")[ Especially now that every surface is slathered with ectoplasm.
Let's see Cillit Bang get rid of that mess!]
The only place to go from here is the [[landing]].Look, nobody's actually going to go in here but that doesn't mean it can't be spooky!
(unless: $modifications contains "atticNoises" or $minutes < $atticNoises's minutes)[You could [[make some really eerie sounds|atticNoises]] up here! ((print: $atticNoises's minutes) minutes)
](if: $modifications contains "atticNoises")[There are some truly spine-chilling noises emanating from in here. OOOHGHRARBLEFARBLE!
]Nowhere to go but down to the [[landing]].(align: "=><=")[<img height="250px" src="images/study.png"><audio autoplay src="audio/study.mp3">]
{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $computer's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $computer's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $computer's spookiness)
}You take (print: $computer's minutes) minutes to change the wallpaper to a pentagram and the mouse to a little skull and crossbones. Both are pre-installed for some reason and they're very low-resolution, but terrifying nonetheless.
You also whip up a program that pops up little messages boxes saying things like "BOO!" and "LOOK BEHIND YOU!" - you're pretty tech-savvy for someone who died before Ada Lovelace was born.
All in all, it is very, //very// spooky. There's every chance it'll be dismissed as some virus off the internet, but you unplug the phone line from the chunky dial-up router just to head that off at the pass.
[[Top-notch spooking for the digital age!|study]]{
(enchant: ?Link, (text-color: "red")+(hover-style: (text-colour: red + orange)))
}{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $atticNoises's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $atticNoises's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $atticNoises's spookiness)
}You take (print: $atticNoises's minutes) minutes to curse the attic with some creepy noises!
You know. Scratching, scraping, heavy breathing - an occasional voice going "OOOHGHRARBLEFARBLE" - stuff like that.
It's pretty spooky. A decent background-level of spook.
[[Job done.|attic]]<audio autoplay src="audio/attic.mp3">{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $wardrobe's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $wardrobe's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $wardrobe's spookiness)
}You take (print: $wardrobe's minutes) to fiddle with the wardrobe's doorhandle.
There's actually no supernatural element to this at all, you're basically just doing extremely subtle vandalism.
You also find you have to oil the hinges a bit, as otherwise there's too much friction for the door to pop open of its own accord.
Look, you've been doing this sort of thing for a while, okay? You know the tricks, and the result is pretty spooky.
[[Some fine work there!|main bedroom]]{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $origamiSwan's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $origamiSwan's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $origamiSwan's spookiness)
}It takes you (print: $origamiSwan's minutes) minutes, but you succeed in elegantly folding the duvet into the shape of a graceful swan.
It's...not spooky. It's not spooky at all.
In fact, it's positively welcoming!
By Lucifer's beard, this looks like the sort of thing you'd find at a hotel!
[[Why on earth did you think this was a good idea???|main bedroom]]{
(set: $modifications to it - (a: $origamiSwan's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $origamiSwan's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it - $origamiSwan's spookiness)
}You //un//fold your elegant origami swan, which - given the number of extremely tight tucks of fabric involved - takes precisely as long as it did to construct the thing in the first place.
The duvet is now pretty wrinkly, which you suppose might be considered spooky...except no, it really isn't.
[[At least it's not actively un-spooky any more.|main bedroom]](print: 3.2 + -5)
(print: 3.2 - 5)You hear the keys rattle in the lock.
(if: $modifications contains "porchLight")[The sound seems a little hesitant, as if the porch light is perhaps not as welcoming as imagined...
]Then, in steps a nice little old lady.
[[Your arch nemesis.]](if: $minutes > 0)[ There's still (if: $minutes > 90)[some](else:)[a little] time left(if: $minutes < 60)[ (though admittedly no guarantee it's enough to do anything at this point)].
]Are you sure?
[[YES|Wait]]/(link-reveal: "NO")[(undo:)](if: $minutes > 0)[You wait patiently - ghoulishly - for (unless: (floor: $minutes / 60) <= 0)[(print: (floor: $minutes / 60)) hours](unless: ((floor: $minutes / 60) <= 0) or ($minutes % 60) is 0)[ and ](unless: $minutes % 60 is 0)[(print: $minutes % 60) minutes].
Then...
][[The owner arrives.|Ending]](if: $spookiness >= 10)[She pretty much takes one look at the place - her brand new home, rated $spookiness out of ten for sheer, raw spookiness, and immediately straight-up [[dies of a heart attack]].]\
(elseif: $spookiness > 7.5)[She pretty much takes one look at the place - her brand new home, rated $spookiness out of ten for sheer, raw spookiness, and [[immediately ''nopes'' out of there]].]\
(elseif: $spookiness > 5)[She seems immediately disturbed by what you've done to the place. Slowly, hesitantly, [[she takes a big chunky phone from her pocket]].]\
(elseif: $spookiness > 0)[She takes a slightly suspicious look around, then [[settles right in]] and starts watching Bargain Hunt.]\
(elseif: $spookiness is 0)[She just walks right on into the hall. Doesn't even think twice, just [[settles right in]]. It's like you didn't do anything at all.(if: $modifications's length is 0)[
In fact, wait. You DIDN'T do anything at all! How else did you think this was going to end???]]\
(else:)["Oh my!" she says, clasping her hands to her mouth. "It's just [[so cosy and welcoming]]!"]Wow.
Oh wow!
This could not have gone any better!
The old lady - this intruder who had the sheer gall to attempt to ''live'' in your pristine mansion - lies dead on the floor, her face contorted in the kind of expression usually only seen on somebody who's encountered that creepy little girl from //The Ring//.
You cackle with unearthly glee.
But just then [[a spectral form begins to rise from the corpse]]."Oh dear," says the ghost of the old lady, looking down at her lifeless body. She turns to you. "I do wish I'd managed to turn the TV on before that happened. I'm missing Bargain Hunt!"
Ah. In hindsight, putting up with a housemate (text-style: "blur")[until they died] might not have been so bad.
You're stuck with this one forever!
(display: "END")''THE END''
(link-reveal: "RESTART?")[(restart:)]Wow.
Oh wow!
This could not have gone any better!
Thanks to its solid $spookiness out of 10 for spookiness, the house is yours once more!
Plus your arch nemesis left all her stuff, so [[that's a bonus]]!Actually, wait, no it's not.
This stuff is all terrible. You want it out of here.
How do you scare away a leopardprint footstool?
If you're honest, it's scaring you...
(display: "END")"Hellooo?" she says into the massive flip-out mouthpiece. "Jerry? Is that you, Jerry? My favourite grandchild?"
There's a pause while the person at the other end answers. You listen in from the stairs. The tone suggests a "yes" but you can't work out why it's taking this long.
"That's nice, dear," says the old lady. "The thing is, I've just moved into my new house, and I'm not sure it's for me. But you're doing those escape room thingies, aren't you? Those ''spooky'' escape rooms?"
No.
[[Oh no...]]On the plus side, you don't have to put up with a gross living housemate.
On the not-so-plus side, you have dozens of nerds tramping around the place all day every day.
There's even some in the attic(if: $modifications contains "atticNoises")[ with the spooky noises].
(display: "END")Okay.
All that stuff you didn't want to happen?
That stuff happens.
She breathes everywhere.
She sweats.
She even - (text-style: "shudder")[shudder] - poops down your beloved drains.
But [[you know what]]?You know what? This shouldn't have come as a surprise.
It was the fluffy duvet origami what did it.
(display: "END")Actually it turns out you quite like Bargain Hunt.
(display: "END"){
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $ectoplasm's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $ectoplasm's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $ectoplasm's spookiness)
}You spend (print: $ectoplasm's minutes) precious minutes just gooping up the whole place with ectoplasm.
Do you care that there's the potential for it to be mistaken for some kind of hideous green-glowing bathroom incident? The result of a borderline radioactive budget fast food taco?
No, not at all! In fact, that's even scarier.
You chuck a single intact taco shell into the open toilet just to prompt further confusion.
[[Even you yourself are a little unsettled by all this!|bathroom]](align: "=><=")[<img height="250px" src="images/kitchen.png"><audio autoplay src="audio/kitchen.mp3">]
{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $knives's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $knives's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $knives's spookiness)
}You spend an eye-watering (print: $knives's minutes) minutes individually training stainless steel cutlery in a bold fusion of salsa and tap.
There's no way this is going to go unnoticed, but if you're honest with yourself it's probably more flashy than scary.
[[This may not have been an ideal use of your time.|kitchen]]
(Still fun, though.)No, hang on.
That's too mean.
[[Back to business!|living room]](align: "=><=")[<img height="250px" src="images/livingRoom.png"><audio autoplay src="audio/livingRoom.mp3">]
{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $clock's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $clock's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $clock's spookiness)
}You take exactly (print: $clock's minutes) minutes to make the clock run in reverse.
It's spooky enough, you guess!
[[Time to do something else!|living room]](align: "=><=")[<img height="250px" src="images/drawingRoom.png">]
{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $scrawl's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $scrawl's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $scrawl's spookiness)
}You spend (print: $scrawl's minutes) minutes daubing threatening words across the wall.
Quite a bit of that time is spent simply choosing between (text-colour: orange)[GET OUT] (which is simple yet punchy) and (text-colour: orange)[I KNOW WHAT YOU DID] (which is much more effective if relevant, and much less if not), but you eventually settle on something you're happy with.
[[You admire your handiwork.|drawing room]]{
(set: $modifications to it + (a: $deadBird's name))
(set: $minutes to it - $deadBird's minutes)
(set: $spookiness to it + $deadBird's spookiness)
}It takes you (print: $deadBird's minutes) minutes to find a gross dead bird to dump in the guest bedroom.
There are plenty of live ones around, but using one that's been pre-killed is a little more humane and a lot more gross.
[[Done!|guest bedroom]]
↶↷It is a lovely morning in the mansion, and you are a horrible ghost.