Sex Among Putin

In the year 2130, I was a little guy on a spaceship. We were all little guys. Each was short and thicc, having naught but a single bone inside our bod. One of the guys was named Vladimir Putin. I didn't know it at that time, but Vladimir Putin was an immortal zombie, kind of like a vampire or a lich. He survived by sucking the life energy out of children. (Since children have more years of life remaining, they provide the most life energy.) At one time, Putin used to kill children at Jeffery Epstien's island. Once Epstien got caught and suicided, Putin was forced to invade Ukraine to get more children to eat. A gorilla named Harambe learned about this plan and tried to warn the world. Tragically and ironically, Harambe was framed for the murder of a child. He was executed without a trial, without a lawyer. Putin's invasion eventually failed because, somehow, his entire army was comprised of maniacal Russian rednecks who knew nothing about war, only war-crimes. They were armed with Soviet-era rifles, frying pans, and unarmored child abduction vans. They all got killed by discount Turkish drones and scary Ukranian hillbillies. This is how wars have always been fought in Eastern Europe. Eventually, Russia ran out of obese, geriatric generals and beady-eyed cronies. Putin decided to retire. He spent the next century in his Siberian bunker, watching Chinese pornography and devouring his servants one by one. Now, I didn't know about any of that when I saw Putin for the first time. He was wearing a black spacesuit and I remember thinking that his ass was thicc and fat. Like all of us, he spend much of his time twerking, in addition to doing other tasks like [[engineering]], [[electronics]], and [[science]].

This is a room where you have to do some stupid shit like click a button when the slider is positioned right. It's a timing challenge. We used to have monkeys to do this job for us, but they mysteriously vanished at the beginning of the mission. It's also hard to do this job while [[getting your dick sucked]], because you have to stand right in front of the instrument panel. That wasn't a problem for the monkeys, but it's a problem for us humans. Usually when I go into Engineering, someone is in there [[twerking their thicc, fat ass]] and that makes it impossible to avoid a sexual encounter, if you know what I mean. [[Shit is breaking constantly]], so we have to do the little timing challenge all the time.

To do electronics, you have to link a bunch of loops together. This is kind of like an elephant train, a sexual technique in which a bunch of people penetrate each other in a continous circle. You must link up the train. It causes thicc, fatt buttocks to [[gyrate with excitement]]. When the lights are working properly, it is possible to see what is going on. Otherwise, the power may go out. If stations don't work, it is impossible to get things done. This causes [[a danger to the mission]]. Since it is often dark in Electronics when one is trying to fix the lights, many people engage in discreet shenanigans down there. You know what I mean.

idk the nice thing about Science is you can tell if someone is Vladimir Putin or not. The machine can analyse their DNA to tell if they are a normal person or a depraved billionaire sorcerer dejectedly clinging to life. Normally if someone is determined to be secretly a vampire, they will be ejected into space. Also, if someone is decisively NOT a vampire, then it's generally safe to sneak into a dark corner and [[twiddle each other's buttholes]]. This is why [[Vladimir Putin never gets laid]].

yes, I think you know what it means. We were slurping and derping, so to speak. You know how it is. Nasty and sloppy, more often than not. Not a vivid enough picture? Too bad, I'm sorry. [[Continue doing tasks.]] [[Take a break to get laid.]]

Perhaps this was the source of his megalomania: growing up as a poor KGB agent in to Soviet Union, Vladdy never had the chance to enjoy Eastern Europe's club scene. He was too busy rooting out dissents and entrenching centralized power. Despite what Hollywood would have you believe, Secret Agent Sex is actually terrible. Mostly these people are not good at sex, only seduction. (Putin could seduce your pants off, but it's all dumb shit like champagne and hot tubs.) Also they are boring people. They only think about torture and Intelligence Analysis. Why would you want to fuck someone who is always fighting the Cold War? The Cold War ended and Vladimir Putin invented a new one so he wouldn't have to think about sex. [[Continue doing tasks.]] [[Take a break to get laid.]]

I believe you know what it's like to get your dick sucked. (If you're a girl: it's sorta like getting your clitty sucked.)(If you don't have any frame of reference: it's like getting your thumb sucked, except it feels way better.) idk it's pretty good usually [[Continue doing tasks.]] [[Take a break to get laid.]]

you know what they were doing. gettin jiggy with it, so to speak. fat assed dancing. very slutty. common behavior in our line of work. Acceptable to the highers-up? No, not always. But there was nothing they could do about it. we were experienced astronauts and they were lowly CEOs and managers. [[Continue doing tasks.]] [[Take a break to get laid.]]

We are on this stupid spaceship and there is nothing to do but get greasy and oily, crankin wrenches in the gearbox, so to speak. Shit is constantly breaking down. We have to run around fixing it, like dweebs. There's only a little time for getting our thicc, fat asses plowed by dongs. [[Continue doing tasks.]] [[Take a break to get laid.]]

Well, you know they sometimes got to wobble and wiggle. Normal behavior. Totally unacceptable if you're a rich conservative capitalist, but this is our ship, not theirs. Franky, wobbly little astronauts gotta get sexy sometimes, you know? [[Continue doing tasks.]] [[Take a break to get laid.]]

I happen to be an expert in detective work, information security, and intelligence analysis. That's why they hired me. (Also because of my bodacious rump.) In the event of an emergency, I will be required to hunt down the source of the problem. By analyzing all of the data, I hopefully will be able to understand the root of the problem. But this problem is unlike any other. [[Continue doing tasks.]] [[Take a break to get laid.]]

I snipped the wires. I checked the cameras. I scanned my palm. [[Fun times.]]

I think you know I was getting that, that good stuff. I bet you know what it felt like. Damn, we were getting sloppy. It was a good night. [[And then tragedy struck.]]

Unfortunately, Vladimir Putin killed us all. We weren't paying attention and our bond was not close enough. We all got killed, one by one, and he absorbed our life energy. Presumably he became the King of Mars with the help of Elon Musk. [[Play again?|Introduction]]

Vladimir Putin appeared out of nowhere and killed me. He stabbed me with a spike-tongue and sucked all the juices out of my body, turning me into a raisin. My entire fat ass was absorbed. He stole my ass. Tragic. Luckily, I became a ghost. This allowed me to watch with satisfaction as the three thicc, fat hotties I was gettin with suddenly ran in different directions, giving Putin the runaround, as it were. They managed to sound the alarm and he was ejected into space. Shortly afterward, his accomplice, Red, was also ejected into space. [[Play again?|Introduction]]