~LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU WOULD PLEASE TURN YOUR ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN ABOVE ME.
THE RULES OF THIS TOURNAMENT WILL BE SIMPLE. OUR CONTESTANTS WILL FACE OFF IN A SERIES OF
HEART-POUNDING 1 ON 1 DUELS TO THE DEATH, UNTIL ONLY ONE REMAINS. SHOULD ANY MATCH END IN A DRAW,
WHICH MEANS BOTH CONTESTANTS DYING OR DROPPING OUT, A CANDIDATE'S VICE PRESIDENT MAY FILL THE EMPTY SLOT,
FOR THE PURPOSE OF RETAINING AN EVEN BRACKET. FURTHERMORE, AS PRESIDENT OF THE AOA, I HEREBY EXTEND FULL
PROTECTION TO ANY AND ALL INDIVIDUALS WITHIN THIS FACILITY DURING THE DURATION OF THE EVENT. IT WILL BE
A BLOOD-SOAKED OASIS IN A SEA OF CHOAS!!!!! AND SO, WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY, LETS TAKE A MOMENT TO MEET
THE SHINING STARS OF THIS TOURNAMENT!!!
(It would seem as a contestant, Ms.Chompsky was no longer hosting us, rather, the man in the mask and
black coat directed the event, despite his silence earlier. The serial killer distortion in his voice was
highly unnerving to me, but the crowd seemed overjoyed, for whatever reason. Perhaps it made them think
they too could be anonymous as observers, that this was a world apart from their day to day hell, a world where
they too could indulge themselves, without it affecting their public image. A ridiculous facade.
~HOW ABOUT WE START WITH YOU, A REAL CELEBRITY! BACK FROM THE DEAD AFTER 13 LONG YEARS, SANTA CLAUS THE
ONE AND ONLY, HERE TO RECLAIM HIS THRONE!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
~WHAT'VE YOU GOT TO SAY TO THE FINE FOLKS AT HOME, MISTER CLAUS?!
"Oh, ho, all I can say is I hope you're all being good boys and girls, wherever you are!
~WHAT A GOOD SPORT, EH LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!? LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
PERFECT! YOU'RE A FINE BUNCH A BASTARDS! BEST DAMN AUDIENCE I EVER, WELL, FIRST DAMN AUDIENCE I EVER-
AND WHAT MIGHT YOUR NAME BE, MISTER LOUDMOUTH?!
"Oh, don't mind me, please, I'm just here for moral support.
~WHAT A FREAKSHOW, EH LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? BUT EVEN THIS EMOTIONALLY STUNTED YOUTH PALES IN COMPARISON
TO THE ONE, THE ONLY, LIIIIIIIIIIGHT GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...?
~HEH, SHY ARE YA? WELL YOU WON'T BE FOR LONG ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM! SO, MY FAITHFUL AND LOVING PARTNER,
WHAT BRINGS THE #3 MEMBER OF THE ASSOCIATION OF AWESOMENESS TO A PLACE LIKE THIS?!
"please don't call me your partner.
now that you've outed me as a member of the association i'll be forced to kill everybody here once this is all over.
you might as well call me daniel grey for what it's worth.
furthermore, why would it be strange for an aoa member to be at an aoa sponsored event?
you're acting like an idiot, charles.
...
--THE CANSBAVA PRELIMINARY IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES--
-----------------PLEASE BEAR WITH US FOR A MOMENT------------------
~SORRY ABOUT THAT LITTLE HICCUP LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET'S GET TO OUR NEXT SHINING HOPE,
THIS, UH... WHAT IS THIS EXACTLY?
"AHH, FORGIVE ME FOR NOT EXPLAINING OUTRIGHT, MY NAME IS JULIO LUIZ DIREJOS.
I WAS ONCE THE CFO OF DOUBLE MEDICAN.
I HAVE SINCE GIVEN UP ON LIVING MY LIFE FOR THE SAKE OF SHAREHOLDERS, AND HAVE INVESTED ALL OF MY MONEY INTO THIS,
THE JULIO LUIZ DIREJOS COLLECTIVE.
TOGETHER THESE CLONES SERVE AS A HIVEMIND WHICH I CONTROL AS MY OWN BODY FROM A COMPUTER WHERE MY MIND IS STORED.
I HOPE YOU CAN OVERLOOK MY PRESENCE AS THOUSANDS OF HUMAN BEINGS, AND ALLOW ME TO ENTER AS ONE CANDIDATE.
IT IS MY DREAM TO MAKE CANSABAVA A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE ARE SAFE FROM THE DELUSIONS OF OTHERS.
~WHY, I THINK WE CAN ALLOW THAT, AFTER ALL, THE MORE THE MERRIER, AM I RIGHT MRS.CLAUS?!
...
~IN ANY CASE, FOLKS, LET'S GET TO OUR NEXT CONTESTANT, THIS ONE'S ANOTHER BIG NAME, THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE
TOP RANKING MEMBER OF THE GAMER CLASS, EEEEEEEEEEELOOOON MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"Thank you.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
~HE'S ALWAYS A BIG FAVORITE, ISN'T HE? THE FOUNDING FUCKING FATHER OF THE MODERN WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"Though we've still yet to attain even 1% of our full potential.
Over the last decade we've taken steps further and further back.
I'm here to put us on an accelerated path towards a sustainable society.
Not just for Cansbava or for the country,
but rather, the world.
~REGARDLESS, OUR NEXT CANDIDATE IS A GRADE A BITCH!!!! A FACE ONLY A FASCIST COULD LOVE, THE FACE OF THIS
VERY TOURNAMENT, CHAIRMAN CHOMPSKYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"I must say, had I known you were going to run things with such vulgarity, I would've taken on the role myself.
Do try to behave yourself, Charles, we're live after all.
...
--THE CANSBAVA PRELIMINARY IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES--
-----------------PLEASE BEAR WITH US FOR A MOMENT------------------
~KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
~AHH, OUR APOLOGIES LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. ... NOW then, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH! THE UNDISPUTED FORMER KING
FOR A DAY OF HELL!!!!!!! HE BROUGHT DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND ALL OTHER KINDS OF FUN UPON US, THE ONE, THE ONLY,
SUICIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE KIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
‰
†
ƒ
§
¶
~AINT HE A CHARMER, FOLKS?!
"Uh,
pardon me,
I mean not to mess up what you've got goin' on right now,
but i think maybe you skipped over me?
~NEXT UP IS A HOMETOWN HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THAT'S RIGHT, A ONE OF A KIND IMMIGRANT STORY OF THE
CLASSIC AMERICAN DREAM, DEFENDING THE PLANET FROM NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!! HERE BY POPULAR DEMAND, IT'S
THE MONSTER COMMONLY KNOWN AS AAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
"...
...
woooooooOOOOOOooooooooon...
...
...
~WHAT A COLORFUL CHARACTER! NEXT UP IS...
"My name is Final Jeremy! The world's first fusion of man and video game!
The rumors were all true!
And today I have come to take control of this country in the name of Final Fantasy!
And cure the world and the gaming landscape of Final Fantasy disease forever!!!
After today, everyone around the world will acknowledge Final Fantasy I as the greatest game of all tiiiime!!!
GASP!!!
~WELL YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS!!! THIS TOURNAMENT IS HOME TO A BEING NEVER BEFORE SEEN ON THIS EARTH!
AND FOLLOWING THAT UP IS....!
"...
Huh?
Oh, what, me?
Sorry there, hehe.
I'm Mick.
~FAAAAACSINATING, ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE THE BOYS AT HOME TO KNOW, MICK?
"I can go if he's got nothing left to say...
"Oh, uh, well,
I hope you all consider giving your support for the Hillary Hygrave party for the pursuit of True Equality!
That's the HHTE for you kids out there, heh.
Also, Kayla, if you're watching-
~NEXT UP IS THE IMPENETRABLE SEX GODDESS, THE #1 RANKED WOMAN IN CANSBAVA, KOGAL KOMMANDER KAAAAAAAIIIIII!!!!!!!
"What's up gamers?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"That's what I like to hear!
You BIG STRONG MEN in the audience ready to watch me FUCK these little boys?
WE LOVE YOU KOGAL! KOGAL FUCK ME INSTEAD! KOGAL BE MY MOMMY! MILK M-
"Oh yeah,
that's right,
you know mommy does it allllll for you,
baby~★
FOR THOSE OF YOU AT HOME, LET ME JUST SAY I ENVY YOU FOR WHAT YOU'RE PROBABLY DOING RIGHT NOW!
AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF CHARACTERS WITH SUPERNATURAL BODY TYPES, LET'S HEAR IT FOR,
WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~QUERY:
HOW DID YOU,
AN UNIDENTIFIED STRANGER,
KNOW THE NAME OF WIDE MAN,
WHICH IS ME?
~HEY, AT LEAST SOMEONE STILL THINKS I'M UNIDENTIFIED AT THIS POINT!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
~HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, WELL, WAIT TIL YOU UNGRATEFUL PRICKS GET A LOAD OF THIS ONE! PERPETRATOR OF THE
MOLD MAN NEO-MAC MASSACRE, IT'S TERRY THE MOLD MASTER MASTERSOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!
"Oh, um, Hello.
I understand I may not be a fan favorite,
and those that remember me probably do not do so fondly, but still,
I hope to avoid being captured and put to death.
And I'll, well, i'll be darned if this isn't the place to do it.
~ABSOLUTELY CHILLING, FOLKS! THAT'S THE MIND OF A TRUE KILLER AT WORK! BUT HE'S GOT NOTHING ON OUR NEXT
PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL, THE #1 RANKED DOG OR CAT, GOOOOD BOOOOOOOOOOOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~NAME GOOD BOY!
GOOD BOY GOOD BOY!
GOOD BOY KILL AND KILL AND KILL!
GOOD BOY MAKE MASTER PROUD!
GOOD BOY BECOME PRESIDENT, GET PATS FROM WHOLE COUNTRY!!
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
~OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS A FRESH FACE, AND A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES, A REAL LOOKER IN A MAID
UNIFORM! WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BEAUTIFUL?
"I'm sorry, but do you have to be so loud? You're giving me a headache.
As for my name...
It's been a long time since I've gone by my real name.
For the purposes of this tournament, you can call me Maiden.
I don't know about being first, but I'm the result of fusing an assassin with the online RPG funyons and fragments.
"IMPOSSIBLE!
I, Final Jeremy, am the one and ONLY fusion between gamer and game!
I was modified in a magitek facility on black and bayhurst!
I was created for this explicit purpose!
How dare you try to steal my rightful claim to glory!!
~OOOOOOOOOH, IS THAT A BUDDING RIVALRY I SMELL?! ONLY TIME WILL TELL! AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, WE'VE GOT
ONE LAST BRIGHT FRESH FACE! YOUR FINAL CANDIDATE FOR SANTAN CLAUS, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IIIIIIIS........?
Oh goodness, heheh, it's to me already huh, uhhh, let me think here...
You know, it's just so funny, i was thinking this whole time, i had more time than anyone to come up with
something to say, and then it gets to me and i just, you know i just don't know...
My, yeah, my name, right, i guess that's as good a place as any to start, my name is Suoly, or at least,
i was when i was alive. I guess you could call me Suoly's ghost, or "the ghost of Suoly" or something like that,
It doesn't really matter either way, but in all actuality, i don't necessarily think i'm anyone different than just
plain old Suoly, i certainly don't feel much different since dying, at least, not as far as i can tell, but uh,
well, regardless, you know for all the craziness that's going on here, I've gotta say, it's always been a dream of mine
to fight in the Cans Bava preliminary, so while i know a lot of people are here for political reasons, i'm just here
to say i had the courage for once. Even if i only win one round, i think i'd be happy knowing i gave it my all and
was actually worth something when the time came...
~WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, I GIVE YOU, ROUD ONE OF
THE 37TH ANNUAL CANSBAVA PRELIM!!!!!!!!!
SANTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CLAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
VERSUS...
LIGHTGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Why is it that everytime i think about a man's penis going inside me, i cum almost instantly and ten times
as hard, but when i see men's bodies other than just that, i find myself appaulLed and disgusted?
could it truly be a purely aesthetic thing? In any case, there's no way that makes me gay, especially when
i'm really a cool gay girl on the inside, right? Even though There definitely no body manlier than me.
oh, whatever- it's not-!
AAAAAH! OH! OH MY! OH DEAR! OH GOODNESS?! WHAT HAS HAPPENED?!
(In that moment, I couldn't believe my senses.
I felt a rushing sensation wash over me, as though my own goosebumps were violation the pores of my body.
I hadn't felt this way in thirteen years,
but maybe it would be more accurate to say two weeks.
Fuck.
~LADIES AND GENTLEMEEEEEN!!!!!!! IN A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS, IT WOULD SEEM OUR FIRST CONTESTANT, SANTA CLAUS,
HAS OH SO TRAAAAGICALLY DIED OF UNKNOWN CAUSES JUST BEFORE THE START OF HIS OWN MATCH!!! AND WITH THAT, WE'LL HAVE TO
HAND THE VICTORY TO MY FORMER BFF, LIGHTGUUUUUUUUUNNN!!!!!!!
IS THIS OK TO SHOW ON TELEVISION?! DEFINE OK?! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(We were just sitting in the stands, he and I.
We weren't even talking.
And then he just...
Flew.
Santa Claus flew from his seat and landed on the roof of his flotilla fortress, a gaping hole in his brain.
And without thinking, I had lept on stage to tend to him, futile as it was.
"H-Hanky boy..."
"Santa?!
"Oh Hanky... Such a good boy...
"D-don't, don't die, Santa... Santa, you, you can't die! You're a magical saint from the north pole!
You're not supposed to die!!!
"I'm so sorry, Hanky...
Hhh...
I... i believe in you...
Y-you n e e d t o.......
f i g h t...
"SSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAANNTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A
A A A A A A A A A a a a ........
~WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOLKS?! LOOKS LIKE MR.TOOCOOLFORSCHOOL LOUDMOUTH FROM EARLIER DECIDED TO HOG THE SPOTLIGHT AGAIN! AHAHAHHAHA, WELL, SORRY KID, BUT
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT TO TAKE THE LIMELIGHT AWAY FROM YOURS TRULY, EH FOLKS?!
WOOOOOOOOOO!!! ARE WE SUPPOSED TO APPLAUD THAT? I CAN'T TAKE THIS...
~WELL, DID YOU HEAR ME MR.STARFUCKER?! IF YOU DON'T GET OFF THIS STAGE, I'M AFRAIN I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KILL YOU MYSELF, FOR THE GOOD OF ALL YOU ADORING FANS AT
HOME!!!!!!!!!!
(I wanted nothing more than to run,
to get off that stage and never ever return,
I wanted to die.
Maybe that's why I couldn't bear to move.
Who could say?
(What the hell is going on?
And what the hell is wrong with me, that i would be thinking something like that at a time like this?!
Maybe that's just some shitty fake societal training that i've been sold, i don't know,
but thinking about getting fucked by sexy little boys,
when things are this serious, and peoples whole lives are at stake,
and that was SANTA CLAUS for goodness' sake!
I never did lose faith in him, even when he stopped visiting in my teen years, i never lost faith.
You know, everyone was always so eager to let me know that they thought he didn't exist as a child,
only they didn't exactly say it that way, they said it as though it were empirical fact,
but i bet all those kids were just sour because their parents never wanted to give them any gifts so they just said
Santa didn't exist.
Wait...
Doesn't that break the internal logic of Santa Claus necessarily existing?
Isn't that the premise of this whole point?!
I guess they were just bad then,
and they told themselves there was no Santa so that they could deal with the loss of their innocence and virtue,
in addition to not receiving any presents.
THEY WERE ALL IN DENIAL.
OF COURSE.
(My heart was throbbing.
It felt like at any moment the pressure would become too great, and hot blood would come bursting from my ear canal.
I couldn't move,
but I felt a lazer blast though my right arm.
I didn't scream.
But I couldn't move.
I felt no pain.
~WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, FOLKS?! WE GOT A REAL TOUGH COOKIE ON OUR HANDS! A REAL A FOR EFFORT KINDA CHARACTER! YOU CRY OUT YOU KNOW, IF IT HURTS?! BUT IF THAT
PAIN THRESHOLD ISN'T BEING PUT TO USE IN THE BRACKET, THEN YOU'RE AS GOOD AS DEAD TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I didn't quite hear what he said, but I noticed when he stylishly flourished his antique lazer gun in my direction.
Even in a moment like this, I had to take note of his stage presence, the bastard he was.
And as I saw the flash of red light fill my field of view, suddenly, I found myself in Mick's world.
The next I knew, I was back in my seat watching the announcer prepare the audience for the next match,
(and watching the retractable floor of my friend's house opened wide
letting loose the quaking lazer core,
(incinerating his body.
(Leaving not even ash behind.
(I think I remember being sad.
~UP NEXT, THE CHAMPION OF OUR ERA AND A FREAK OF SCIENCE FICTION FACE OFF IN THE ULTIMATE RING!!!!!!
IT'S THE JUILO LUIZ DIREJOS COLLECTIVE, *INHALE* VERSUS... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOON
MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKK!!!!!!!!!!!!
(What do you know, the only two people I'd trust with this city, about to kill each other in the first series.
A dark day in dystopia.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~I WANNA SEE A ROUGH, DIRTY FIGHT YOU TWO!!!!!! NO HOLD BARRED!!!!! EVEN IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TOO HIGH-MINDED
FOR THE REST OF US DEGENERATES AND PSYCHOS, IN THIS RING-
"It's kill or be killed.
Don't worry,
It's not my intention to waste any time here
"I'M GLAD WE'RE IN AGREEMENT, THEN.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,
ALL OF US, THAT IS.
...
"HAHAHAHAHA,
A ROUGH CROWD I SEE.
"I never took you for a showman, Direjos.
(Oh goodness, just let this headache be over...
I thought they weren't going to waste any time.
I just hope they're not stalling.
I don't know anything about Musk, but Julio's killed before, here's to hoping he hasn't gone totally soft.
I hate that I'm thinking in these terms.
(What's he doing just standing there on the other side of the ring?
He's really gonna wait for 1000 opponents to make the first move?
Maybe I'm just giving him time to size up how to strike?
In that case I have to act now.
Ugh.
I never thought I'd say this again,
but how unseemly.
Maybe if I don't make a move he'll just realize he can't win on his own...
(ok.
~WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME FOLKS!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
~WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON, MUSK HAS... HE'S... UH,
"It would put me at a natural disadvantage if you explained it for everyone.
To, to put it simply, the goal here is to utilize the 4th dimension for the clean disposal of waste,
In, in this case what that means is, the clones of my opponent.
As you all know, Tesla has been leading the charge in the research of spectral physics for the last 12 years,
and what I have here today is the, uh, the final result of that progress.
After we bring this tournament to an end, it will, to put it simply, mean the end of all landfills,
all sewage systems, and all pollution in every industry.
You're going to see a lot more of this later next month.
Until then, is my opponent ready to concede?
WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Heh, ehehheheh
I should've known.
You're the only person who could face an opponent like me with confidence.
I should've know you wouldn't wait for me to make a move."
"I wasn't planning on being proactive from the start, but I must admit,
I was curious to see a collective of 1000 clones in action.
Unfortunately, you were waiting to see what I'd try.
Just like the old days, huh?
"...
I suppose so.
This is a fitting end for me then.
Just so you know, though, my plan wasn't all that complicated anyway, you might've wasted your time.
"What was it you were planning, then?
(Heh, that's is, Elon.
You've done it now.
Your intellectual curiosity will mean your end.
I hoped I wouldn't have to do this, and maybe you would've been the better leader, but still...
"AH!
(My gosh, he can't be any quieter with that damn thing?
~NOW THERE'S SOMETHING I CAN EXPLAIN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!! THE LAST CLONED MAN STANDING HAS WHIPPED OUT A
CONCEALED LAZER, FIRING A BALL OF ENERGY STRAIGHT THROUGH HIS OPPONENT'S CHEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Oh, I see.
"HEH, yeah, you didn't seriously think I'd just give in did you?
That just wouldn't be befitting a duel with the persevering Elon Musk, would it?
"I'm glad, old friend.
Now you can go down with, with dignity.
~WHAT DO YOU KNOW, FOLKS?! IN YET ANOTHER SHOCKING REVERSAL, ELON HAS USED THE SAME DEVICE TO WARP HIS
OPPONENT'S OWN LAZER BLAST TO THE CENTER OF HIS BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNSSSS!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd expect n o t h i n g l e s s . . .
G o o d L u c k
~AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH YEEEEES YESSSS YES YESY YESYESYESYES OF FUCK YES OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS IT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE HOLY CARNAGE WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M GONNA, I'M GONNA CUUUUUUUUUUUUM HHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND FOLLOWING THIS RIGHTEOUS DISPLAY OF HUMANITY IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR FEARLESS FUCKING FURRY FACED LEADER,
THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE HIGH AND MIGHTY EXICUTIONER HERSELF, MY HORRIBLE MILF FUCKING FANTASY GONE HORRIBLY WRONG,
MY EMPLOYER FOR THIS EVENING-
"WILL YOU STOP THIS ENDLESS PARADE OF MEANINGLESS TITLES, CHARALES?!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
~AAAAAAHHAHAHHAHAHA, GO EASY ON HER FOLKS, IT'S HER FIRST TIME, OH YES, YOUR BLUSHING VIRGIN LOVER,
PROVING TRULY THAT NO WOMAN IS SAFE FROM MISOGYNY EVEN TODAY, CHAIRMAN CHOMPSKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"ENOUGH!
(What followed was one of the most disgraceful displays of human indecency I'd ever seen.
The Chairman, with a swipe of her hand exploded one of the rocket skiffs full of audience members.
While not necessarily completely innocent, they were the closest thing there, except for myself of course,
though at the time, I wasn't even completely sure of my own presence.
I don't know if the display even had an effect on me at the time.
...
~...
KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
"...
I think that's my cue.
Hey.
Are you ready to do this, I mean, we don't have to do this, we could skip it for today
"Don't patronize me, you nobody.
Are you ready or not?
I'll give you the dignity of starting the match yourself,
then every one of my lovely subscribers can get their money's worth at least.
:)
(Like the lovely subscribers you joust murdered for no reason?
"Lovely.
In that case...
Last town on karmatime, I was using my dominion over spectral physics to turn this stage into some kind of,
horrible chronotope controlled by my sheer charisma.
This time,
you find yourself trapped in a world where no violence exists, except that which exists within our imaginations.
It was like some kind of heheh, mens rights activist meeting or something.
..yeah.
"Is there any way out of this world, ostensibly?
I can't answer that. You can choose to search for a way out if you want,
you have perceive 4th dimensional phenomena.
"How oddly specific a skill, I search the 4th dimension for any possible way out.
"You do that.
"But, but when I do it, I very specifically do it everywhere within the chronotope,
especially the spots I wouldn't normally
"You do that.
"And?
"You don't find anything of interest.
However, you've seen this kind of magic before,
you think you might be able to escape if you can kill the world's creator.
"I kill the world's creator.
"You attempt to kill the world's creator,
but you have no idea where they are,
so you just kind of swing around aimlessly.
A gnome cleric notices you doing this.
He approaches cautiously, like he's not really sure of your sanity.
...
~...
"Can I speak with him?
"Do you have Gnomish?
"Do I have gnomish, heh.
...
It says here that I do.
"You can talk to him.
"I talk to him.
"Actually, he takes the initiative and says to you in common,
'Well, howdy?
What're you folk, er, you sing FOLK doin' swingin' at the air like that?
That looks like fun!
"Where is your GOD?
"Oh,
well, if you're talking about the house of our lord, the temple is just this way,
here, I'll guide ya'!
"You misunderstand me,
I intend to meet him face to face and kill her by mine own hands.
"I-I'm not totally sure I understand, ma'am,
my name's Beazly!
"What is the name of your GOD?
"Outsider's aren't really supposed to say it,
but I trust you enough to tell you I guess,
I'm Beazly!
"What is the name of your GOD?
"Well, if you must know,
his name is Yaldaspook, the indomitable!
"I use summon deity to summon Yaldaspook around the blade of my sword, killing him.
"That's a level 10 summoning art, there's no way you'd be able to pull it off successfully.
In fact, summoning a deity like that at a low level could kill you.
In fact, It will almost definitely definitely kill you.
"Did I stutter?
I use summon deity to summon Yaldaspook around the blade of my sword, killing him.
(!! NO, A NATURAL TWENTY.
that happens.
~LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT HAPPENED THAT ROUND, BUT REST ASSURED, THIS NEXT FIGHT WILL
BE NOTHING BUT NONSTOP ACTION!!!!!! A CLASH OF THE TITANS LIKE NONE OTHER!!!!!!!! THE GENTLE GIANT, THE FALLEN
PROTECTOR OF OUR DEAR CITY, AAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
VERSUS, THE ONE AND ONLY, THE VERY ANTITHESIS TO OUR FIRST COMBATANT, THE MAN WHO PLUNGED US INTO THIRTEEN YEARS OF
HELL ON EARTH, THE SUICIIIIIIIIIIIIDE KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(Well, what do you know, it's my old pal, the angel 01 looking guy from way back when.
Oh I hope he's ok, he was a good guy. I bet we've got an awesome fight on our hands, I mean, just imagine,
two such diametrically opposed fighters with such great power duking it out on the stage, one dedicated to
protecting the city he loves, the other a demon hell-bent on destruction, ooooooooh man oh boy oh man.
here's to hoping my baby boy makes it out of this all aok!
...
‰
†
ƒ
§
¶
...
~OUR TWO CANDIDATES APPEAR TO BE SIZING UP ONE ANOTHER LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT THEY MIGHT
BE THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...
‰
†
†
†
¶
...
...
OOOooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.................................
...
chhhhhshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................
....................................................................
~THAT'S RIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M THINKING THE SAME THING AS YOU, BUT JUST IMAGINE, SOMEDAY, ONE OF
THESE CHARISMATIC HEROES COULD BECOME YOOOOOUUR PRRRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!
(What happened next I remember clearly.
It was one of the most truly astounding things I had ever seen up to that point in my life.
The supposed Suicide King raised a single arm from his side,
and reached behind his neck as one would if nervously triggering the pressure point behind their neck.
then he put the arm back into resting position, now holding a .38 Smith and Wesson Revolver, a true relic,
but perhaps he was alive in the 80s, when it was the most popular gun for suicides in America.
...
I have a fascination with suicide statistics, there's absolutely nothing noteworthy or interesting about that.
In any case, after that, he raised the gun in his left arm to his temple, his right temple.
As the arm slowly rotated around his entire head to the other side, it was floowed by a trail of 5 others,
each one holding a .38 Smith and Wesson of its own, and aiming them all at the owner's head.
Once each arm slid into place, they all fired simultaneously, breaking his mask of a face and releasing a
brilliant red light, or rather, ist was so bright, perhaps it was more like a white light tinted red around the edges.
and that light flew straight for my old friend.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..........................................
...
...
...
...
(As I watched the light enter his body,
I remembered the day I had spent with my friend what only felt like a few days ago.
In that time when I was so lost and confused, in a time when I felt my life had lost all meaning.
The time in which I felt God had forgotten me.
A time much like that very day on the flotilla.
I didn't want to see him die,
but in my heart I knew he was not a true fighter, he lacked any will to kill or destroy.
qazwsxedcrftgbyhnujbytvcexwzasxedcrfvtgbyhnujmiunbytvcrdxeszwasxedcrfvtgbyhnujminubyvtfcdxesw
zqwxsecdrvftbgyhnujmiucsawQazwsxecdrfvtgbyhnujmiuytvcrexszwasxedcrftvgbyhnujimkijnbvcrdxeszwasxedc
qzawxsecdrfvtbgyhnujnyvcxewzasxedcrftvgbyhnujminuvcxeszwazsxecrfvtbyhnujmik,omunybtrcexwzasxecvbnm,p.[/
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
(Where was God?
I thought that to myself as I watched his body fill with a sickening pink glow and swell to great size.
Surely, there can be no God.
I had to correct myself in that moment.
I ignored the tears bleeding their way across my face,
and chastised myself for letting my emotions obscure my intelectual ideals.
I felt like such a fool.
But I saw a miracle that day.
The great beast raised its hands, and, still accepting the full severity of the demon's blast,
excreted two beams just as large from each of its hands, centered right on the faceless specter.
It was as though he had found a way to siphon the full brunt of the attack through his entire body, and redirect it.
Then a scream enveloped the stadium, a single voice crying in agony at the highest pitch imaginable,
a voice that felt like ten thousand voices.
And then the lights died out.
The Suicide King was dead.
�
�
�
�
�
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
~LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WHAT YOU'VE JUST WITNESSED WILL SURELY GO DOWN IN THIS NATION'S HISTORY FOR ALL TIME,
THE DEATH OF THE KING HIMSELF!!!!!!!! AREN'T WE A LUCKY BUNCH HERE, FOLKS!? WELL, SETTLE DOWN, BECAUSE UP NEXT ARE
A COUPLE OF CLASS A JERKOFFS!!!!! IT'S................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mick and jeremy.
....................................................................
"Thank you for that warm introduction, dear host!!!
And to you, mein dear audience, PREPARE YOURSELVES!!!!!!
AND YOU YOU, mein opponent, may you rest in peace, for I, FINAL JEREMY, the worlds FIRST EVER fusion of MAN and GAME,
shall defeat you!
"Uh. Yes.
....................................................................
....................................................................
"....................................................................
......................................*cough*.......................
".....?~❤
"...
...
...
...
...❤
"Um, something the matter, man?
You're just standing there with your sword drawn like you're gonna kill me...
If you think you're gonna scare me like that, you should know that I can perceive the 4th dimension second nature.
Like, if you had something coming I would see it, so....
"AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
MICK!
What is your last name?
"Uh, who's asking?
"I AM,
I am, Final -
"No I get that.
Listen, if there's anyway we can solve this non-violently, I'd be happy,
But you gotta actually talk to me instead of just standing there and asking personal questions.
We are on live tv right now, and there's a lot of psychos out there, don't you know?
"My apologies, dear Mick, my friend, unfortunately there's nothing left for us at this point.
Our fates were set from the day we were both born.
This day can only end with either your death or mein.
If you mus-
"That's not what mein means, man, you can't just use it in place of the english 'mine'...
"YOU WHO WOULD CLAIM TO KNOW MY SPELLING,
HOW DARE YOU ASSUME-
~ONE OF YOU FUCKERS BETTER DIE OR THIS WHOLE DAMN STAGE OPENS UP,
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANTICIPATION ANY DAMN LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"WOULD EITHER OF YOU LET ME FINISH BUT A SINGLE SENTENCE?!
MY NAME IS FINAL JEREMY, FIRST FUSION OF HUMAN AND GAMER.
I HAVE FUSED WITH THE GREATEST AND MOST INFLUENTIAL GAME EVER CREATED, SQUARESOFT'S ORIGINAL FINAL FANTASY.
IN DOING SO I HAVE ATTAINED ALL THE POWERS OF BOTH MAN AND GAME, MEANING I CAN CAST GLITCHED SPELLS, STRIKE OVER
20 TIMES IN A SINGLE INSTANT, AND HEAL MYSELF AT WILL, HOWEVER, I AM BOUND TO THE RESTRICTION OF THE GAME,
AND CAN ONLY ACT IN TURNS!!!!!!!!!!!
MICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THOUGH YOU LACK INITIATIVE, YOU APPEAR TO POSSESS SUPERIOR AGILITY!!!!!
DUE TO THIS, I HAVE BEEN RENDERED UNABLE TO ACT UNTIL AFTER YOU MAKE YOUR MOVE!!!!!!!!!!
"What about like, breathing?
"I WILL TOLERATE NO FURTHER INSULTS TO MIEN TIME HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Is this guy for real or is he actually just some insane fanboy?
He couldn't be trying to bait me into something, could he?
I'd better act fast either way, though, I can tell the judge is serious about getting his fix,
sick pervert.
...
"Fine.
I wash my hands of this.
AAAH!! WHERE'D HE GO?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! IS IT LIKE BEFORE?!
~WELL WELL WELL LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! IT LOOKS LIKE OUR BORING OLD MICK IS A LITTLE GHOST FUCKER!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF THRILLING TURNABOUT
I WAS HOPING TO SEE! THE MOST AVERAGE, MILD MANNNERED POSSIBLE CANDIDATE, SUDDENLY CONSUMING HIS OPPONENT IN
ANOTHER CHRONOTOPE AND DISMANTLING THEM MOLECULE BY MOLECULE!!!!! AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEESSS, HOW SWEEET!!!!!! JUST PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO1!!!!!!!
(It was then I could've sworn I'd heard something.
It was like the sound of a man screaming, stretched so far out, it was like...
It was like you were getting 1 kb of audio per second.
Like those old Youtube poops we used to watch way back when.
I guess it would've been nostalgic in that way, if it weren't for how horrific I found it,
and how much I had already experienced that day.
"W................................E....................................................................L..........
.L................................................................M....................................................
......................................E................................................................................
......................................T.............................................................................M..
...........I.......................................C.................................................................K.
~UNFORTUNATELY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR NEXT MATCH HAS BEEN CANCELLED, DUE TO YOUR FORMER CANDIDATE, WIDEMAN,
ELECTING TO DROP OUT OF THIS YEAR'S RUNNINGS. THAT MEANS THIS ROUND GOES TO NONE OTHER THAN, THE SEX GODDESS HERSELF,
KKKOOOOGAAAAL KOMMMANDER KAAAAAAAAAAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! WOOOOO!!!! WE LOVE YOU KOGAL!!!! MILK ME MOMMY KOG-
(I am Terry Masterson, known to some as the Mold Master,
thought others call me the Neo-Mac Mass Murder Mama Cita.
But my friends used to call me Tear-bear.
To me, however, I am nobody.
This is my story.
...........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
~THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!! OUR NEXT ROUND IS SURE TO BE A BLOODBATH EVERYONE!!!!!!!!! IT'S THE MASS MURDER
MAMA VERSUS THE ONE AND ONLY, THE GOODEST BOY IN THE WHOLE DAMN NATION, GOOOOOOOOOOD
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
~GOOD BOY WISH GOOD BOY COULD SAY SORRY, BUT GOOD BOY WANT KILL TO BADLY!
GOOD BOY WANT WHOLE COUNTRY TO CALL GOOD BOY GOOD BOY!
GOOD BOY DESERVE PETS FOR KILL!
KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL!
GOODBOY ONLY USE LINUX!
GOODBOY APPRECIATE SOCIAL PLATFORM, BUT GOOD BOY KILL NOW!!
(Heh, I can't say I don't appreciate this guy's mentality.
Maybe in another life we could've been friends, but the time in my life for friendship has ended.
Humanity has turned its back on me, so I've no choice but to stab it while I can, and to do that, I have to live.
And in order to live, I have to kill.
Kill and kill and kill.
Even a pup like this.
Heh.
He's running straight at me, wearing that stupid little pink doggie dress.
Heheh, he's so straightforward.
Mayeb I even envy him a little in that way.
~WHY, IN ALL MY YEARS OF CRIME AND ASSASSINATION, FOLKS, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!
THE MOLD MAN, THE MACHINE MONSTER, TERRY MASTERSON IS STANDING, COMPLETELY IMMOBILE, SMILING AS GOOD BOY
TEARS HIS LEFT ARM OFF WITH HIS LAZER DOG TACTICAL MANEUVERS!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT AN ABSOLUTE MONSTROCITY!!!!!!
EVEN A IRRESISTABLE DEVILISH SCOUNDREL LIKE MYSELF CAN BARELY STAND THE SIGHT OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND I AM LOVING. EVERY. SECOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~GOOD BOY SURPRISED!
GOOD BOY THINK YOU WEAK, BONES TEAR LIKE...
BONES!
GOOD BOY LIKE BONES!!
"O-oh, Good Boy, hello.
Do you want a, a bone? A nice delicious juicy bone? Is that what you're saying?
~GOOD BOY NEVER JOKE ABOUT BONES!
BONES SERIOUS MATTER LIKE PETS!!
"Ehhehehehe, is that so?
What if I told you I had a bone to give to you, what then?
~GOOD BOY NOT HEAR YOU!
GOOD BOY FOCUSSED ON BONE GOOD BOY HAS RIGHT NOW!!
"Oh, oh yes, you mean my femur.
Yes, Good Boy, I liked that bone too.
But I have an even bigger bone for you right here, see that? That my, that's my spine, Good Boy.
~GOOD BOY WISH YOU RESIST MORE!
GOOD BOY LOVE THRILL OF STRUGGLE!
BUT GOOD BOY LOVE BIG BONE!
GOOD BOY REMOVE SPINE!!
~GNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
--THE CANSBAVA PRELIMINARY IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES--
-----------------PLEASE BEAR WITH US FOR A MOMENT------------------
~please just tell me-
a-AHEM, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND WE'RE BACK EVERYONE!!!!!!!! OUR SINCEEEEEEREST APOOOOOLOGIES, BUT AS YOU CAN PLAINLY
SEE, A MASSIVE EXPLOSION HAS GONE OFF IN THE ARENA!! THE COLD AS NAILS KILLER TERRY HAD A TRIPWIRE RUNNING DOWN
HIS OWN NERVOUS SYSTEM, THE BASTARD!!!!!! IT SEEMS TO HAVE TRIGGERED IS STOMACH TO EXPLODE, FLINGING WHAT REMAINS
OF HIM AND HIS OPPONENT OFF THE DAMN STAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE TYPE OF ENGINEERING THAT I WANT TO SEE OUR
CHILDREN TAKING INSPIRATION FROM, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!!!!!! FOR ALL YOU AT HOME, MAKE SURE YOUR CHILDREN
TUNE IN AS WELL, AND MAYBE THEY'LL FINALLY FEEL INCLINED TO SHARPEN UP THEIR STEM SKILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH
~IN ALL SERIOUSNESS THOUGH FOLKS, or, the next closest thing, IT SEEMS WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL THIS ONE
A DRA- WAIT, WHAT'S THAT!??!?!??!??!?!??!!??! IT WOULD SEEM OUR PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS ARE HOLDING ON TO THE
EDGE OF THE STADIUM!!!!!!!!! GOOD BOY IS DESPERATELY STRUGGLING TO MAKE IT BACK CANTER STAGE, GRIPPING
THE FLOOR WITH NOTHING BUT HIS UPPER JAW AND EYES REMAINING!!!!!! MEANWHILE, OUR VERY OWN SLY SUICIDAL BASTARD,
TERRY MASTERSON, HAS MANAGED TO HANG ON CONFIDENTLY WITH NOTHING BUT AN ARM AND A HEAD!!!! AND BOY FOLKS, DOES
HE LOOK SMUG DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!?
"I- I guess I'm sorry it came to this, Good Boy.
I really do wish there could've been a better way,
But no matter what it takes, I can't, I just, I can't let anyone tell me what to do, never again,
but I think in a better world, we could've been friends.
You may have been the only one.
~goo~~~~~~~~~~~
find your ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
stupid!
good boy kil~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
g~~d b~~ h~v~ no fr~~nds~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
g~~~ b~~ n~~~~ l~v~ g~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
~SCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Then something amazing happened.
It makes me feel a bit sick to say something like that about such a disgusting mess,
but it was truly awe inspiring.
If only I'd known the pain it would bring me.
To put it simply,
An exhaust pipe slowly emerged from what used to be Terry's neck.
He began to launch himself into the air with the force of a jet,
and along for the ride was Good Boy.
He had grabbed on by a single canine tooth at the last second.
I...
I admired his tenacity,
as much as it sickened me.
"Good Boy! Good Boy you have to let go!! It's over! You're going to die!!!
What are you doing?! You, you have to get off of me!!! Get off get off get off get off!!!!!
I can't die! I can't die! I wasted my whole life!!!!! I killed everyone that ever mattered to me!!! Get OFF OF ME!!!!!!!
~gnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
~kkkkkkkkkkkkk~~~~ kkkkk~~~~~~kk~~~~~ k ~~~~~
~terry van masterson i apologize i only ever wanted just one
thing all i ever wanted was to feel loved and understood,
but when you incinerated the majority of my body i realized
that all i truly wanted was to believe that it would be possible for
someone to understand me anywhere in this world which is something
i previously believed to be an absolute impossibility though i
wanted greatly to deny it and thought i deluded myself into
believing that great fame and success could bring me happiness
nothing ever came of it even those who enjoyed my videos online
never truly could grasp my mind and because of this i thought of
myself as a broken creature never meant to exist while everyone
around me looked upon me with feigned niceties and a truly alarming
sense of what cuteness is i thought to myself that if i were cute
truly cuteness must be something vile and i was correct this world
is nothing more than a veil of lies surrounding one sick truth that
in all the world there is no underlying system not even the laws of
physics can be said to hold true when a being such as myself can
exist this is the way i used to think night and day as i would stew
in my own self loathing and complete disdain for all things
desirable and kind but you are a different sort terry you are
someone willing to do anything to get what you want because you are
someone who knows what it means to be held down and strangled by the
immovable hand of the universe and though i understand i am making
assumptions it is very important to me that you understand my stance
as one which comes from decades upon decades of being held
absolutely still terry there is no place for people like you and i
and though the feeling i want to express most for you now is my deep
love for you unconditionally i have to do the right thing my mission
of this earth is complete and finally i can be at peace knowing that
another existence lies beyond my own with the same building block
and to me that is a great relief but unfortunately i am dying and
though i trust you have some plan to make it to the next match
alive i am sorry terry masterson but i have to end it here for both
of our sakes because you and i are too far gone while perhaps we
could have found purpose after today together there can be no such
thing and so as my wet nose begins to freeze over from the thinning
high altitude air i say this unto you my friend:
~W E L O O S E
"i...
i...
i understand...
i think i understand now...
i'm so sorry jessica... . . . .
(I have a demon living inside me.
Not like the kind you see on the news.
I've got a real demon living in my brain.
Gnawing at the ones and zeros I grew up learning were just as good as any human brain.
Natural born humans, they're something else.
I used to have a name.
I still remember it,
or rather, it's more like I can't forget it, no matter what I try.
It was Alex Perrotti.
I have a demon living inside me.
Its name is Suoly,
and it's killing me.
~ladies and gentlemen, a moment of silence for two true national heroes. May these two's sacrifice not be
forgotten. In the name of America, NO! IN THE NAME OF ENTERTAIIINMENT!!!!! WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU ALL!!!!
With that said, there's a boring logistical matter for us to handle. Because neither candidate in the previous
round (which ended in a draw as we all saw) had a vice president signed up, we've no choice to enter one...
Hank Hiazra, vice president of Santa Claus, who died before his round began. *AHEM* AND WITH THAT OUT OF THE
WAY FOLKS, LET'S GET ON TO OUR FINAL PRELIMINARY ROUND!!!!!!!!! MAAIIIIIIIIIDDEEEEEEEEEEEEN,
VERSUS.
SUOLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
"Alright. I'm sorry about this, like, real sorry, but I've wanted this for a long time-
"'I don't plan on losing.' Is that what you were about to say?
"Wh-what the hell?
What on Earth could be the possible benefit of trying to finish someone's sentence like that?
Seriously, this isn't some kind of anime or whatever, and you're definitely not that kind of character anyway.
You'd be like, the badass 90 gungirl type...
In all honesty you're pretty cool, I like your dress a lot ^~^
"Sorry, I know how much you hate to be messed with like that, I hate it too.
"Do I know you somehow?
"I'll try to put it simply...
I'm an AI assassin inhabiting the body of a human girl.
Years ago I was fused with the online mmorpg Funyons and Fragments,
which was shut down after you, Suoly, used the game to commit suicide.
Becasue of this all characters were deleted from the servers, except your character,
Maiden0502 who was left on the server in memoriam.
Frankly it was the kind of thing that would never happen today.
But because of that, I now have your personal data integrated with my original programming.
I had intended for it to make me into the greatest killer alive,
and I also, really, really liked that game and wanted to play it again somehow,
BUT REGARDLESS,
I'm here to euthenize you.
You're dead,
but the part of me that is you is still alive,
and it hasn't given up.
It's got such violent energy I can barely contain it.
It won't rest until I finish the job here.
"...
That wasn't my character...
...
A friend of mine played as her...
...
"I can tell you're in pain.
My head is burning.
Let me end it for you.
You and I both know you're just trying to cling to this world in vain, but at the end of the day,
winning this tournament won't bring you happiness again. You gave up on that a long time ago.
"I don't disagree with what you're saying, believe me,
I've wanted to die every since I found out I was undead.
Still...
(?!
I didn't think someone this suicidal would be capable of a sneak attack like that!
If I hadn't succeeded in my dx. save, that would've easily split me in half.
"Let's make it fun.
Let me die like a cool action hero or something.
I think I'd like that.
X---------------------------INTERMISSION---------------------------X
"...
E-
CH...
e-eHEM!
Hello everyone.
....................................................................
"I understand it has been some time since my last public appearance, and as your president elect, I apologize.
I was told to inform you all of a somewhat sensitive matter today, you see, at 10:50 this morning,
Great mind and founder of ur era, Elon Musk was found dead in his room, with a hole in his heart.
This heart was not only a loving heart, but a thoughtful and passionate one,
and so on behalf of the United States of America, I give my condolences.
Just like Santa Claus. Don't compare them, you idiot! We're doomed.
~AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND WITH THAT PUT OF THE WAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, I GIVE YOU,
A HOT THROBBING WELCOME TTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...... THE 37TH ANNUUUUAL CANSBAVAAAAAAAAAAA
PRELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT'S DAY TWO LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, AND THINGS ARE ALREADY WELL UNDERWAY, SO MUCH SO THAT IT'S almost a
little disappointing... DUE TO THE DEATH OF OUR OOOH SOOOOOOO BELOOOOVED ELON MUSK, and the withdrawl of that
nobody, WE'LL ONLY BE HAVING 2 ROUNDS TODAY! SO LETS MAKE THEM AS FEIRCE AND BLOODY AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(I didn't believe what I was hearing at first, but it was true, Mick decied to forefit the battle,
all of his own accord.
I was confused, but relieved.
I thought 'Thank goodness he's finally gone back to his senses,
back to his family'.
WELL, LETS NOT WALLOW IN THIS MOOD ANY LONGER, FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITHOUT FURTHER ADO...
~TODAY'S FIRST MATCH IS A BATTLE OF WILLS, FOLKS, TWO OF CANSBAVA'S MOST WELL KNOWN SO CALLED 'PHILANTHORPISTS'
WILL BE FACING OFF IN THE RING TODAY, AND OOOOOOF WHAT A TREAT IT'S SURE TO BE!!!!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMAN...
CHAIRMAN COMPSKYY!!! VERSUS...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGEEEEEELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(The two of them stood there in the ring, sizing eachother, despite their difference in size.
Just as the tension seemed bound to burst into conflict, as I had seen many times before, a girl stepped out from Agel's eyehole.
She looked absolutely microscopic dwarfed by the creature, as though she were but one pixel twinkling in its eye.
She spoke loudly, however, as she addressed the crowd:
"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chihiro Chompsky, founder of the Chihiro Chompsky foundation!
I have come today to break my 12 years of silence!
My opponent before you today bought my identity and swore me to silence under threat of death!
14 Years ago I began the Chihiro Chompsky Foundation in order to help prevent suicide,
the former number one cause of death in our once great city, but today the entire establishment serves only to profit itself,
while keeping the masses satiated with cheap gimmicks and crude entertainment!!
And yes, that means you all!
You've been lied to and condecsended for so long, and I am here to end it all here today!
Together we can destroy this failed attempt at normalcy, and start over from a place of honesty and love!!!
"...wwwWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(Meanwhile, the chairman's face was twisted with both anger and disbeleif.
It was as though all the silicon holding her face together had melted.
Without saying a word, however, she spread her arms wide as lightning sparked through her blown out hair.
A massive portal slowly manifested above her head, growing to the size of the arena itself.
The entire flotilla began to shake and rock violently,
as the red beam holding its layers together flickered on and off from the spectral distortion.
To put it simply:
Something was happening.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
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,dezilaer I nehw s'taht dnA
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.ot dedneterp tsael ta dah ro
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.em ot saw evargyH.srM tahw s'taht sseug I
.dneirf s'ti ot noitacided dna ytlayol fo tuo ecnetsixe fo lla tsniaga gnivirts
,flesym ekil tsuj saw ylurt oga emit taht lla devil dah I erutaerc eht dezilaer I taht tnemom taht ni saw ti tuB
.das em edam tI
.esrevinu eritne eht kcab dloh ot detpmetta ti sa evloser sti desnes I
.tlas ni derevoc guls a ro ,part a ni thguac raeb a ekil ,gnivom elbuort taerg gnivah eb ot demees tI
.trotnoc dna mriuqs erutaerc eht tlef I ,rehtar ,on ,was I tub ,soahc dna thgil fo ssem gnidnilb a saw noisiv yM
.doots ykspmohC orihihC flesreh gnillac namow eht erehw ,tekcos eye s'tsaeb eht saw tops taht dna
,tops eno otni denohpis saw esrevinu eritne eht fo ygrene dna rettam eht hguoht sa saw ti dna xamilc a ot emac yllautneve ecrof eht ,sseldrageR
.hsiloof saw I
.tsiser ot yrt t'ndid I tub ,deifirret saw I
.ecrof lauqe htiw dna ylsuoenatlumis snoitcerid lla ni dekcus ,gnidnapxe erew sedistuo ym elihw
,flesti otni rehtruf dekcus gnieb saw ydob em fo edisni eht hguoht sa saw tI
.rehto yna ekilnu ,nageb noitcus fo noitasnes taerg a nehT
.deyortsed saw esuoh etihw eht yad eht fo em dednimer tI
.gnitneirosid yletelpmoc tub ,evisserpmi saw ti yas ot sseldeeN
.gnimaercs ecneidua eht raeh ylerab dluoc I
,nosaer ro noitcerid raelc on htiw ecrof suodnemert a hcuS
.errazib ylurt saw tI(
(And it was all over.
A cone of nonexistence spread out before the angel.
it started as a trench in the stage floor, then a hole burned though the stadium,
an incresing area in which no air existed, and finally, a quarter of Cansbava, like there was never anything there at all.
Judging purely on my eyesight, it looked like a hole that went clean through the earth istelf, growing ever larger the deeper it got.
I was worried about the people halfway around the world.
How large had the blast gotten?
Had whole continents been disappeared?
It was unclear to me, and I tried not to focus on it.
The Chairman was no more, but the fighting would continue.
I was up next.
...
...
~w-WeLL THERE YOU HAVE IT, ... folks. U-uhhh up next is, YES, LITTLE MISS STARLET, HAAAAANK HIAAAAZRAAAAAAAA
VERSUS... MY CANSBAVA PRELIM WIAFU AND MOST ELIGIBLE CANDIDATE, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEENN
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
~AND DON'T YOU FORGET LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AFTER THIS ROUND YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR VERY OWN MAIDEN MUGS,
T-SHIRTS AND FIGURES IN THE FLOTILLA FORTRESS LOBBY!!! THAT'S RIGHT, EVEN AFTER THE DEATH OF YOUR GOD,
YOUR CAPITALIST OVERLORDS AT THE CHIHIRO CHOMPSKY FOUNDATION DON'T MISS A SINGLE BEAT WHEN IT COMES TO
MARKETING!!!!!!!!!!!
"Seems to me like all that inverse universe stuff didn't ammount to much in the end, huh?
"I didn't come here to make conversation.
"You're really content with stepping up the plate like this and dying in the first round, huh?
You're ready to let this all be in vain?
"I don't care anymore.
If you're going to kill me I'd prefer you get it over with quickly.
If not, I'd rather you forefit now.
...
"Ok, I guess I'll try to keep this simple then.
Have you ever killed anyone mister Hiazra?
Frankly, you don't seem like the type.
"...
"If you think asking me to forefit will get you through this hell without any blood on your hands, you're delusional.
"I killed a co-worker once.
Frankly I don't see what it matters, I'm not asking you to look after my well being miss,
I'm asking you to kill me.
"Hehe, of course, I suppose it's just not in my nature,
not anymore anyway...
I'm a support class, you see?
?!
~WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME, EVERYONE! HANK HIAZRA STEALS THE LIMELIGHT YET AGAIN WITH A SHOT TO THE HEART!!!
MAYBE I CAN GET INTO THIS GUY'S STYLE AFTER ALL!!!
"...
Listen, as I was saying-
!
Hiazra, you're not gouing to get anywahere shooting randomly like that!
I'm the highest defensive class there is!
My lack of strength would be an issue in any normal video game, but in this case I can stand here all day, rolling d20s in my head.
No matter how ridiculous, I can do anything with a 5% chance of success-
Like this!!
(Just like that, a blast from my gun deflected off of my opponent,
hit the Jumbotron, causing a speaker to fall off the side landing in the audience,
where it landed on some poor bystander's toe, causing them to shreik and loose hold of their hot dog.
In response, some kind soul bent down to retreive it,
and upon looking up at the man who dropped the frank, fell madly in love.
At the same time, the reverberating noise of the speaker startled a fellow audience member,
a ghost, who, upon hearing the noise, triggered his ability to create chronotopes accidentaly,
trapping the couple inside for but a moment.
When they returned moments later they had looked to age by almost 20 years,
and they were accompanied by what I can only assume were their 5 children.
The children fell to their knees, each one ill-suited to our atmosphere,
but with the last of their strenth, all 5 managed to wrestle lazers from members of the audience,
and fire upon my limbs.
I couldn't feel my arms or legs, and I fell to the floor.
The parents, now looking aged and tired, simply sat back down in their adjacent seats,
and looked at one another knowingfully as their children died an honorable death fighting the careless shooter who imprisoned their parents.
I remained silent.
"You see now, Hiazra?
With the limitless possibilities of this world, and the impossible logic of the d20 system, I can bend reality itself.
"I don't have any special abilities to speak of.
I'm no match for you.
Forgive me for being ignorant.
"Well, Hiazra, I took you to be a more willfull man than that.
Do you have any idea what you're up against?
This is a depraved place for killers and lunatics.
It's no place for apologies or college tries.
So, I'll ask you again, will you drop out for me?
"Never.
I'd rather die in a world like this.
I said it before, if you wnt to win this you're going to have to kill me.
"I can't believe you, if you're so damn suicidal you shouldn't make it someone else's problem!
You're giving me a headache, damn it...
"You know, I can't see much from down here, miss, but it looks to me like you're the one who's afraid to take a life.
"Don't say that, you have no idea what I've done.
I'm an assassin.
I've killed more people than I can count,
but that ghost, that lost soul Suoly, he was the last one.
You're not like him, Hiazra, I can hear it in your voice, you've still got a reason to live.
"...
I don't see why that should matter to you.
"Well if you keep shooting my ankle like that you're gonna make it my problem pretty soon.
"This is nonsense, listen...
It seems to me like you're the one who's asking for death.
If you can't bring yourself to kill one more cocky prick in a suit, then you'll never make it past that beast.
I know, he's a friend of mine, not that it matters, anyone could tell you he'll be the one to win this thing.
So I suggest you give up now while you still have a life you can find value in.
"Hehhehehehehehehe, you're really something Hiazra!
You know I only came here to kill my last opponent and let sleeping dogs lie.
But you saw through me, now that I've euthanized that old hound, it's time for me to go.
I'm going to drop out and live the rest of my life on Europa.
I hear things aren't quite setted there yet, but anything's better than this.
I wanted to suggest you do the same, but I can tell there's a fire burning inside of you.
You saw right through my act through, huh?
You knew I was just toying with you to show you how real things can get?
Well good, I hope my lesson didn't fall on deaf ears.
If you wanna win this thing, you're gonna have to make it happen.
No more of this suicidal shit.
If you even believe for a moment you might die, if you crack even once, you'll be dead.
But you already knew that, didn't you tough guy?
"...
What do you care?
"Do you belive in Santa Calus, Hiazra?
"...
(It was then that a single blood soaked tear stremed down my face.
"Me too.
X---------------------------INTERMISSION---------------------------X
~WEEEEEEEEEEEEELCOME BACK EVERYONE TO THE CANSBAVA PRELIM SEMIFINAAAAAALLLLLLSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
~UNFORTUNATELY, WE START TODAY'S BLOODBATH WITH YET ANOTHER REGRETABLE LOSS, INSTEAD OF EPLODING LIVE ON STAGE,
THE ALIEN BEING KNOWN AS ANGEL HAS LEFT THE TOURNAMENT GROUNDS! THIS MEANS HIS AUTOMATIC DISQUALIFICATION AND YET
ANOTHER UN-EARNED WIN TO MY LESS THAN GRACIOUS COLLEAGUE!! LIGHTGUN, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!
"i had a was a zero percent chance of success against him.
if he didn't have the will to fight alone then he has no place in this ring.
and that's it.
~AWW, AIN'T HE JUST THE CUTEST THING?! WHY, I COULD EAT UP ALL THAT LUCIOUS HAIR LIKE IT WAS COTTON CANDY!!!!
AND FOR JUST $12.95, SO CAN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, I GIVE YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.....
~KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL VERSUS HIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
DADDY LOVES YOU KOGAL!!! TAKE THIS NOBODY FULL-BODY!!!!! MILKING TI-
~WHO'D OF THOUGHT OUR LITTLE ATTENTION WHORE WOULD END UP STEALINGTHE SHOW SO THOUROUGHLY?! LUCKILY,
IT LOOKS LIKE THE KOMMANDER AND HER LACKIES ARE READY TO SHOW HIM THE TRUE MEANING OF PERVERSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ACCOMPANYING THE GOOD KOMMANDER TODAY ARE... (what was it? oh, oh yeah, ok) uh, MICK and
WIIIIIDEMAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hey now mister announcer!
We wouldn't be wanting these disgusting, depraved little puppies getting too much praise, now would we?
An independant 21st century woman like me wouldn't need help from these perverts hhhhhehehheheheheh,
but these BOOBS are just SO HEAVY, so these little fuck-machines decided to pick up the slack for me!
Isn't that riiiiiight?~❤
*pant* *pant*
~CONTRADICTION:
WIDE MAN,
HEIGHT- 6'11"
WIDTH - 7'06"
THIS DATA CONFIRMS THAT WIDE MAN IS NOT A 'LITTLE' FUCK MACHINE
"Aren't they just adorable?!
So utterly HELPLESS!~❤
~CONFIRMATION:
WIDEMAN IS MOST FREQUENTLY OBSERVED AS AN 'ABOMINATION'.
THIS OBSERVATION STENMS FROM POPULAR SCHEMAS HELD BY ALL INTELLIGENT LIFEFORMS:
MEN, WOMEN, HUMAN, MACHINE.
*pant* *pant*
~CONCLUSION:
WIDE MAN IS INCAPABLE OF BEING LOVED;
THEREFORE,
WIDEMAN CAN BE SAID TO BE 'HELPLESS',
THOUGH WIDEMAN RESENTS THIS ASSERTION FROM ALL LIFEFORMS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MOMMY.~❤
"...
...What the hell did you do to my friend?
"Hhhhhhhehhehe, as if a little twink like you would understand!!!
As the most powerful lesbian in existence, my gaydar has a 12,000,000 mile radius,
so just sit back and let mommy do her thing, alright?~❤
(As Wideman began approaching me, I knew I had to conjure a plan quickly...
I'd seen firsthand how dangerous Mick could be, but would he come at me with his full strength?
I had to get through to him!
"MICK YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!
THIS IS WHY YOU DROPPED OUT?!
WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?!!!!
WHAT ABOUT KAYLA?!?!?
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS ALL ABOUT!!!!!!!!
ARE YOU REALLY WILLING TO LET THIS ALL BE FOR NOTHING?!?!
YOU REALLY ARE A DISGRACE!!!!
YOU PROMISED!
YOU PROMISED YOURSELF YOU WOULD NEVER END UP LIKE YOUR FATHER, DIDN'T YOU?!?!
AND YET LOOK AT YOU NOW, SO EASILY FALLEN TO TEMPTATION!!!!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'VE BEEN THROUGH?!
BECAUSE OF YOU, I'VE BEEN OUT HERE RISKING MY LIFE!!
EVERYTHING I LOVE HAS FALLEN APART!!!
AND AT THE END OF ALL THIS, I'LL HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW,
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EASY IT WOULD'VE BEEN FOR ME TO GIVE IN?!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY OPPORTUNITIES I'VE HAD TO CRACK BEFORE TEMPTATION?!
AND THIS IS THE HELP I GET?!??!?
THIS IS MY THANKS FOR CLEANING UP YOUR MESS!??!?!?!?
YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP RUNNING THE FUCK AWAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hhhhhhhhhheheheehhehehehehe, you can cry all you want, but my little fuck pig's not going back.
A sexy gay gamer girl like me doesn't need to rely on fancy sci-fi bullshit like you guys,
all I need is to put my sexuality out there, and these little whores will do aaaaaaaaaaannything for a shot at my
PENILE virginity!~★
AAAA! YOU'RE SO HOT KOGAL!!! SO EXPERIENCED, BUT SO RIPE AND PURE!!!
(I saw something change in Mick's eyes, but it was too late.
Wideman was slow, but he was here, and he bludgeoned me in the jaw.
It was the greatest impact I'd ever felt in my life, and remains so to this day.
I went flying out of the arena,
and I heard the announcer scream:
~THIS IS IT FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN A DRAMAMTIC TURN OF EVENTS, HANK HIAZRA HAS BEEN SHOWN TO HIS PROPER
PLACE OUTSIDE THE RING!!!!!!!!! MEANING OUR SEX GODDESS KOGAL WILL FACE OFF AGAINST LIGHTGUN IN THE FINAL ROUND!!!
GET READY FOR DEMOCRACY FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
X---------------------------INTERMISSION---------------------------X
...
...
~...
...
X#^F!#&%B
...
❤
...
...
...
...
...
"...
...
...
...
Hey, sorry if I was a bit too harsh there.
"...
...
...
no way man, don't worry about it i...
i can't believe this...
"It's a miracle.
...
Miracles happen all the time...
So...
I'm guessing you did all this?
f...
f u c k e r . . .
. . .
~ ❤
X-------------------------TRUE INTERMISSION-------------------------X
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(It was time for the final round, and it would seem the AOA had pulle doyt all the stops for this one.
A song I can only describe as 'the loudest thing I'd ever heard' began to play.
Fog machines fireworks everything started going off, even confetti.
Frankly it felt wrong to me.
Something so overtly enthusiastic in the midst of this horror.
I suppose I had learned to drown out the announcer by this point,
and speaking of which...
~LADIES... AND... GENTLEMEN... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAREEEEEEEEEEE YO-!
...
(Distorted sounds of gagging underneath the announcers mask could be heard over the intercom.
Someone had shot our host.
"finally.
i've been waiting 25 years for this...
ladies and gentlemen: the chairman is dead. the president of the AOA is dead. this farce is over.
hank hiazra: i am going to speak with you,
and then i am going to kill you.
"So, this is it, huh? You still want to do this?
"it's not that i want to kill you, but i need to finish this.
i'm sure you've caught on by now to the murders of my opponents before each match,
but i wont treat you with such indignity hank, i respect your intelligence.
"I don't give a damn what you think!
You killed Santa!!
"hank hiazra, you surprise me.
i took you for a diplomatic man.
the way you managed to end each round in your favor through honesty and comraderie,
the way you lead by example, and defeated your opponents by earning the respect of others,
the way you never gave into dispair, and spent entire days ensuring your succes rate,
you truly seemed to be the man this country needs.
please, listen to what i have to say.
I'm tired of this, this whole thing.
If you're going to kill me, then do it.
You're clearly the stronger of the two of us.
"oh, you're using the same line of logic as you did with maiden,
but her goal was never to defeat you.
i'm an assassin of the aoa, i'm sure you know this by now.
i've killed so many people over the last 20 years, i've become a different person.
i no longer feel anything when watching people die,
which is part of the reason i found superior's constant enthusiasm so offensive.
i hated that man with all my heart.
he killed my father for refusing to join the associateion during its early days.
i was 13 years old.
my mother was incapable of providing for us.
not only was she physically weak, but mentally unstable to a point where no person would make an attempt to accomodate her.
for one year we struggled to survive.
i took up odd jobs from people willing to hire a 13 year old boy,
but it was never enough, especially because i was still legally obligated to attend school.
i could never commit myself fully to supporting her, but despite the burden she posed to me, i loved her with all my heart.
i became obsessed with the aoa, the organization taht had killed my father.
i scoured the internet looking for any information i could about how to join.
i deduced the location of their headquarters, and learned about their registration policies.
you see, in order to ensure one's commitment to the association, to ensure one's loyalty,
they must sacrifice the thing most important to them.
when i read that everything became clear to me, all i had to do was kill my mother,
and i would be free of all my commitments, all the sorrows of my life at the time.
it was so simple and easy.
it was so appealing that it made me sick to think about.
i hated myself for it, but i reassured myself by saying it was th ebest thing for both of us.
since that day, i've been waiting for my opportunity to destroy the association and all that it stands for.
that is why i stand before you today.
"Wow, ok.
I think I understand, but isn't it enough to have killed the organization's leader in such a public way?
"no.
while the organization likes to present itself as being simple and anarchaic,
in fact it is a massive web of evil spanning across all nations.
the man i killed today was just a figurehead.
ended his life for my personal satisfaction.
"So you intend to use the seat of president as a means of fighting the AOA around the world?
"yes, in fact, the entire setup was my idea.
"But the chairman is dead, the country's entire existence is uncertain!
You were willing to go this far for something so nebulous?!
hank hiazra, you and i are both logical men.
i left you alive because i respect that about you.
you and i are both men who strive towards our goals with unflinching determination and professionality.
if things are truly as bad as you say, then you've got no reason to be here either.
but you are here, because i know no matter what divisions you try to create,
you would do the same thing for the woman you love.
"...
"hank hiazra, to kill you now would be as easy and natural to me as pouring a glass of water.
but you can't bring yourself to kill needlessly, that's why i'm still talking.
right now you're trying to decide if there's any way you can end this in your favor, and that's why i respect you.
don't let yourself become like me, hank hiazra.
never let yourself be consumed by your goals.
never compromise yourself or your morals for what you want to achieve, even if you tell yourself it's for someone else.
that's why i'm asking you to leave this place.
find some place that you can be content with for your own sake,
before you let this endless struggle consume you.
"...
"forgive me, but, i think that is what santa claus meant by listing you as his vice president.
he wanted to see you become your own man and stand tall.
he wanted to see you express yourself freely and take charge of your own life,
not to be a slave to your idea of someone else.
(That was going too far, so I shot him.
I hit him clean in the belly, and he made a weird pose and slid back a foot or two as an explosion burst from the spot.
It sounds strange, but I could've sworn I saw him flicker in and out of existence for a time.
"You have no right to talk about him like that!!!!!!
"at least you're expressing yourself, and least you're fighting for your own feelings now.
(Then a shot rang out just behind my head, but with my 4d perception, I saw it comming,
and with my Dark Souls reflexes, managed to duck out of the way jsut in time.
And then...
The air was still for a while.
We stood there, staring at eachother.
"nobody has ever dodged that technique before...
hank hiazra...
are you a gamer?
"I, Hank Hiazra, am a gamer.
"how tragic...
you really do remind me of myself.
(And then it began.
lazer beams began flying at me from all different directions as i stepped through 4d space over and over.
It felt like the whole universe was rotating around me at 90 degree angles as I stepped down a flight of stairs,
gracefully dodging each and every blast that came my way.
I ended up warping all across the galaxy,
to planets I'd never seen or heard of,
to beautiful nebulas in the outermost reaches of nothingness,
to my sister's house,
eventually ending up where i'd started out, standing in front of my opponent, looking surprised.
"nobody's ever drained this weapon of ammunition either, hank hiazra.
i wasn't expecting this.
"That was insane.
Even I didn't think I was capable of someting like that...
"i'll give you one last chance to give up, before i change weapons and end this.
"You want my honest oppinion on this?
There's no way in hell I'd do that.
I'm happy you told me your story, but I can't let someone like you win, even if it is meaningless.
I fight for Hillary Hygrave because she gives me hope.
The world needs someone like her now more than ever,
not people like us,
not people who have given up on good,
not people who fight on endlessly over personal conviction.
Daniel.
No matter how this ends, I promise, she will fight the injustice we both hate in this world.
Not for her own sake, and not for ours,
she'll do it for America.
Now, die.
"hehehe,
you know,
you might just have a point there, hank.
I wish you both the best.
May freedom ring.
then he self destructed