It's been a long night. The sun set hours ago and you're clutching your red solo cup in your hands, shivering slightly. It has long since been emptied, your cheeks only lightly flushed with the glow of alcohol, but you don't care. You don't want to drink at the moment, you're more content to just stew in your psuedo-misery.
[[Rifle through your text messages.]]Your phone starts buzzing.
{
(live: 2s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* Hey.
]
}
{
(live: 3s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* Hey.
]
}
{
(live: 4s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* Hey.
]
}
{
(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* Where r u?
]
}
{
(live: 6s)[
(stop:)
[[Ignore her...]]
]
}
{
(live: 6s)[
(stop:)
[[Respond to her.]]
]
}
You don't want to deal with this now. You're trying to be alone and brood about that, not have someone reach out to show they care. Britany is your best friend but you're not ready to face her right now. Well, one of your two best friends. Speak of the devil--your phone is going off again.
[[Check your phone again.]]
[[Ignore the temptation.]]{
(live: 2s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Hay.
]
}
{
(live: 4s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Outside.
]
}
{
(live: 6s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* No, srsly. Where r u?
]
}
{
(live: 8s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* Uve bn gone for like 30 mins.
]
}
{
(live: 10s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Im thinking, alright?
]
}
{
(live: 12s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* ...
]
}
{
(live: 13s)[
(stop:)
[[Ignore her...]]
]
}
{
(live: 13s)[
(stop:)
[[Be more forthcoming.]]
]
}
{
(live: 2s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* Char, where u at?
]
}
{
(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* Ay, dont u ignore me. u know i hate being ignored.
]
}
{
(live: 7s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* If u dont pick up soon, I'll-
]
}
{
(live: 8s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* I'll-
]
}
{
(live: 9s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* I'll think of somefin to piss u off, I swear!
]
}
{
(live: 10s)[
(stop:)
[[Respond to Jason...]]
]
}
{
(live: 10s)[
(stop:)
[[Ignore the temptation.]]
]
}{
(live: 2s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* I'm feeling a bit down, alright?
]
}
{
(live: 4s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Can ya give me some space?
]
}
{
(live: 8s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* ...
]
}
{
(live: 10s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* Get ur ass back inside within the next ten mins.
]
}
{
(live: 12s)[
(stop:)
*`[Britany]`* Ur not allowed to mope alone.
]
}
{
(live: 14s)[
(stop:)
But the texts from her stop, and you look out over the bridge, reflecting on the darkness and how alone you felt. You did feel better for her having reached out, but it's hard when you're feeling bitter because of her.
And she doesn't even know what she did.
You notice another buzz come from your pocket.
]
}
{
(live:15s)[
(stop:)
[[Check your phone again.]]
]
}
{
(live:15s)[
(stop:)
[[Ignore the temptation.]]
]
}{
(live: 2s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Jeez, don't be an ass.
]
}
{
(live: 4s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Don't make empty threats u wont follow thru on.
]
}
{
(live: 6s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Why arent I allowed to be alone for a bit?
]
}
{
(live: 8s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* uve been gone for like an hr now.
]
}
{
(live: 10s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* r we not allowed to be worried?
]
}
{
(live: 12s)[
(stop:)
They won't let it go. Why can't they just leave you alone? They're already planning on doing that anyway, why does it matter if it starts happening now?
]
}
{
(live: 13s)[
(stop:)
[[Spill the details.]]
]
}
{
(live: 13s)[
(stop:)
[[Turn off your phone]]
]
}No, you can't handle this right now. Who knows what you'll say if you spill any of it to Jason? He's sensitive. As much as he's your best friend, he's unable to take criticism when he understands there's some sort of fault, not that you can call this a fault.
It's not really fair to blame either of them. Not really. You can perhaps cast blame for what that means tonight, but not long term, what it means for your friendship, what it means to become the third wheel.
[[Turn off your phone]]{
(live: 3s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Look, can u gv me some space in light of tonights developments?
]
}
{
(live: 5s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* I was expecting to have some sleep tonight for one.
]
}
{
(live: 7s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* y arent i allowed to be alone for a bt?
]
}
{
(live: 9s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* Is this just about not being able to have somewhere to sleep tonight?
]
}
{
(live: 11s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* r u srsly getting pissy over that?
]
}
{
(live: 14s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Fuck, if u cant understand the matter offhand, give me some time so i can say it to u in a way u'd understand
]
}
{
(live: 16s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Fucking asshole, Id make do if i had to
]
}
{
(live: 18s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* It's just emblematic of everything u dumbass
]
}
{
(live: 19s)[
(stop:)
[[Entertain this idiocy longer.]]
]
}
{
(live: 19s)[
(stop:)
[[Turn off your phone]]
]
}You're done with them. You can't handle this at the moment. It's too much, too much. You just can't understand them, and they can't understand you.
You don't want to believe what you just thought, but that feels like the truth to you. In light of the recent events, you can't deny your truth anymore.
The most difficult thing was admitting it to yourself. You've done the research, well, what you're calling research. Is it really research to just google the phrase "Why don't I want to fuck anyone?"
The answer was obvious upon discovery. You were asexual.
The bigger issue was what that meant for you with regards to your friends.
Even though you hadn't felt any sexual attraction, you'd always been in love with one of your best friends.
[[You love Jason.]]
[[You love Britany.]]
{
(live: 2s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* What do u want, a medal?
]
}
{
(live: 4s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Sorry my life revolved around my best friends, is that what u wanted out of me?
]
}
{
(live: 7s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* Jebus, why r u making this into a fight? We cn put all this shit behind us if u just come back to the party.
]
}
{
(live: 10s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* i like ur optismism ya lil pisser, but it ain't that ez to resolve.
]
}
{
(live: 13s)[
(stop:)
*`[Jason]`* If u don't get your ass down here, Britany and I will come find ur pasty ass and drag u back to the party, got it?
]
}
{
(live:15s)[
You gather up your reserves of strength to make a decision.
]
}
{
(live:15s)[
[[Tell them where you are.]]
]
}
{
(live: 15s)[
[[Turn off your phone]]
]
}It was early in Freshman year when you fell in love with Jason. You had been living in the same dorm, on the same floor, hanging out every so often, comparing tastes in music, television, video games, books, talking philosophy. You felt that kinship of friendship blossom.
But when he escorted you back to your room after that one house party, where you had vomited in three different places on campus and managed to get the campus police to back off as you had drunkingly asserted that you weren't that bad, as he tucked you into bed and had helped remove your vomit stained clothing, that's when you knew.
Well, you knew the next day when you saw him, asleep in a chair, having rested his head on your lap after watching over you that night.
Jason was like a sculpture in motion, with sharp muscles carved from black marble, his eyes two storms trapped within glass baubles. You could watch his lithe movemens for hours on end. But you only wanted to watch, never to touch.
You had hugged before, and that was a warm embrace, but the idea of a kiss? The idea of his germs flowing into your body was a shuddering thought, and that was only the beginning of what he'd want.
And to be honest, hugs were hit or miss with you. You only cared for them insomuch as an expession of warmth, but hugging usually led to kissing with Jason, as far as you could tell.
As good friends are wont to do, you had discussed his love life in the past and that's why you knew it wouldn't be right to tell him that you loved him.
You knew that you both would want different things out of a relationship, if he was willing to recipcrocate.
And that's why you only watched from afar, never confessing your feelings to the man you adored. Up until he fell in love with Britany, that is.
[[Skulk deeper on the trail.]]
(set: $loveint to 'Jason')
(set: $bestie to 'Britany')You've loved Britany for a long time, ever since freshman year when after a frat rager you climbed on top of the radio station up the ladder and passed along the bottle while you stared at the stars.
You never made a move on her though, as you didn't feel you'd ever be able to give her what she wanted. She had shown that she was interested before.
Lingering hands, light touches, frequent smiles--only the last of those meant anything to you. The rest felt slightly invasive, foreign, unknowable. Her hugs were pleasant interludes, but you never wanted anything more than that.
Her red hair was like the autumn leaves falling, her eyes jade bowls, the freckles like little stars across the universe of her face. She was a painting that you could stare at for hours.
And like they say in the museums, you don't touch. You've never wanted to touch like that. Even the stroking rose light revulsion in you. While her lips may have looked like
And that's why you only watched, you only loved from afar. You never crossed the line you drew for yourself, showing what you thought was tremendous restraint, keeping your friendship alive. Until she fell in love with Jason, that is.
[[Skulk deeper on the trail.]]
(set: $loveint to 'Britany')
(set: $bestie to 'Jason'){
(live: 2s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Fine,fine.
]
}
{
(live: 4s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* I'm by the bridge that leads to the trail.
]
}
{
(live: 6s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* If u go out the dancehall door past the stoners, u'll be there soon enough.
]
}
{
(live: 8s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* i won't even run away, assholes.
]
}
{
(live: 10s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* i hope ur happy that u made me reveal my location.
]
}
{
(live: 12s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* i hope ur proud.
]
}
{
(live: 13s)[
(stop:)
*`[Char]`* Dick.
]
}
{
(live: 13s)[
(stop:)
[[Wait for their arrival.]]
]
}You wanted to confess to $loveint, you really did. You really wanted to divulge how your dreams were haunted, how you coudln't sleep at night, how you wanted to desperately spend more time together, but you couldn't.
But worst of all, $loveint is now dating $bestie, and you just know something will happen tonight. Senior prom is the last chance for many people to connect, and although you love both of them in different ways, this will be the dagger in your back, the unknown betrayal.
You really don't to be around either one of them, so you keep walking further along the nature trail, using the moon above to guide you through the sparsely wooded area.
The shadows loom from every treetop, but you feel confident under the watchful spotlight from above covering the path.
Just standing on the bridge, staring at your phone-- that was doing you no good. You were lingering in the feelings, but this, this should hopefully clear your mind.
After graduation, you don't have to speak to either one of them again if you don't want to. You can make new friends and leave them to their mutual happiness.
Perhaps that would be for the best.
[[Keep going further in.]]The night feels colder with each moment, as you wait on the bridge, staring down at the water below. It runs ever so softly, trickling downstream into the deeper darkness.
But as you watch, reflecting on what you'll say when they arrive, you hear footsteps not too far off, accompanied by the familiar tones you've heard during your time at college, one gentle and soft, the other pointed and curt. The voices of your best friends.
They rounded the corner, dressed in their finest wares. Jason looked dapper in his suit, his tie complimenting his eyes. Britany looked like she stepped out from the red carpet, her hair coiled into an elegant bun. They looked like the power couple every ex-prom queen and ex-varsity jock wanted to be.
They looked so right together, arms linked, finally acting upon their mutual attraction. It felt so wrong to see it, for as true as it was, you didn't want it to be true. You wanted it to be a lie.
But they were forcing you to confront it, here and now.
[[Let's get on with it...]]One foot in front of another, you start walking, jogging, running down the path, fleeing from your problems. You're not properly attired but it feels good, it feels right, to flee under the light of the moon. The trail grows jagged, branches casually laying across the gorund, roots outstretched like fallen limbs. You leapt over the foilage, each one a different one of your troubles. Arms clapsed together, embracing bodies, you saw them all in your run, fleeing from the thought of something you could never have.
And then you tripped on the root that looked like a hand grasping towards you, falling flat into the ground, letting out a gasp as the world disappeared from beneath you. Your face slammed into the ground, and all went black for the moment.
When you arose again, you felt blood trickling down your face and reached to feel where it came from. Your nose, while tinged with pain, was still pointing forwards, but your forehead was covered in dirt and some abrasions. You probed further and felt a gash in your head, rocks tumbling down from beneath your grasp.
Perhaps worse-- you weren't sure how to classify it-- your suit, while intact, had become covered in filth and grime. Even if you wanted to go back to the party-and you were somewhat firmly on the nay side of the fence-you wouldn't be able to go back like this. But perhaps you had to.
[[Carry on.]]
[[Go back.]]As they crest the corner, staring at you, confusion and concern in their eyes, Jason's mouth opens and closes like a flounder, searching for words. When it seems like he finally found something to say, Britany chimes in.
"Did you even think about what you were doing, Char? Just running off alone? Making us worry when we're trying to all have a good night?" She unwrapped her arms from Jason and crossed them over her chest, tapping her foot impatiently.
"What she's trying to say is, we were worried about you," interjects Jason, giving a little sideeye to Britany. "It's harder to have fun when our best bud is missing."
Before you can help yourself, you blurt out, "Like you care about having fun with me. That's not the agenda I've seen lately." You try and cover your mouth but it's too late: the words have already been expressed.
"Now hold up just a moment," says Britany, glaring at you. "Hold up before you say something you regret. I'll give you a moment to think about it."
[[Hold up...]]
[[Say something you'll regret]]You breathe in heavily and raise your arms in defense, protesting the inquistion you're receiving.
"All right, all right, I'll back off for now, if you're willing to explain to me why I had to learn you were dating for over two months now just this very day." You frown, crumbling the solo cup within your hands. It feels cool to the touch, unlike your burning body.
Her eyes turned to the ground, her cheeks flushed with shame, unable to say anything as you waited in silence. Jason had to cover for the silence, speaking in turn.
"Well, we didn't think you'd... take it well?" As soon as the words exit his mouth, you can see the regret grow on his face, followed by a swift punch to the arm by Britany.
"What this idiot meant to say," she pleads, "is that we weren't sure of the best way to break it to you, and the longer it went, the worse it seemed to delay telling you. This was just us ripping off the band-aid."
You glare at Jason before turning back to Bethany. "You really couldn't break it to your best friend? Did you know what ended up happening inbetween then and now? I heard rumors of your dates from other people. I heard the gossip."
You pause, dropping your glance to the ground, unable to look at your so-called best friends. "It hurt even more that you thought you couldn't tell me. It felt as though I'd been right to fear this situation, that I'd been abandoned."
As the last syllable exits your mouth, you taste some salt and notice tears lightly streaming down your face. You stand there in the silence, hands balled up into fists, waiting for those people you loved to be around to assuage your fears, to say anything at all.
[[The silence is deafening.]]
[[You feel a warm embrace.]]
"No, no, you've had your chance to say something and you didn't. You've had two months to say something, and you didn't. You know what? I knew about all this," you say, gesticulating towards them in emphasis, "I knew exactly what you were doing for a while now. Everyone on campus did but you couldn't muster up the strength to tell me, to tell your best friend?"
"And you know what? That really fucking sucks that your best friends can't tell you that they have a mutual attraction to each other, and are spending all their time together, coming up with convenient excuses to not see you, all the while dodging this conversation. It really fucking sucks when your friends basically abandon you, only checking in on the status of our senior prom setup with a little 'by the way, we've been dating a while now' as though the bandaid will help coverup the emotional wounds you created in me."
You start panting, regaining your breath while your friends stare at the ground, cheeks flushed. "Know what else sucks? I'm not saying that I'm some sort of friendless weirdo, but you're my best friends. Before all of... this, this whatever you want to call it, this was how I spent my time. Hanging out with the two of you."
"We wanted to tell you," squeaks Britany, tears streaming down her face into the dirt. "We did, we just, we-"
"We weren't thinking about you," spat out Jason, clutching his arms. "We don't have to be thinking about you all the time."
"I know," you respond in a half-whisper. "I would have been fine with just a thought at all."
[[Run off in a panic.]]
[[The silence is deafening.]]
It comes in, enveloping you, isolating you from the world. The waterfall's trickling drosp have vanished, the highway has vanished, the world has vanished around you. You are alone with two presences across from you, ghosts in the material world, a united force against your solidarity.
They have no words to say in response to your truth and your truth isn't even complete. It's time to break the silence again.
"There's something I haven't shared with you. I'm not blameless, in that I couldn't trust my friends to be there for me. I'm already being messy though, so I'm going to follow through with this: I'm asexual. But for all I didn't share this important part of me... I still don't believe it measures up to your reluctance. It was a truth I had to accept for myself, whereas you two were clinging to each other, pushing me away."
Your breathing is ragged, your voice raw. You are the only person right now.
"You know, perhaps I was right to not share it until now. It's trivial in the end, isn't it? It doesn't change who I am. It was my personal truth, but it doesn't change what I do for fun, how I talk to people, the way I eat. It just means that my love for each of you was never acted upon, as I told myself I couldn't allow it. I told myself it wouldn't be right, that you didn't want the same things I did, that each time I shudder at your touch is just another reminder that I didn't belong in the end."
"And I guess I was right to believe so."
Noise starts to reenter the world, but it's the noise of footsteps and it grows softer by the moment, before vanishing once more. Once again you're alone in a world devoid of noise-- you can't even hear your own breath anymore. Silence rings in your ear, echoiing throughout your body. You fall to the ground, gasping for air, grasping at the earth below, looking for a tether back to the life you once lived but you're desperately alone.
[[And as above, so below.]]Arms envelop you, drowning you in their warmth. The breathing against your neck would normally give you the willies, but you surrender yourself to the hearts thudding against you. While their arms are not a prison of your choosing, you do not try to flee these shackles.
For once, you let yourself cry. You let the tears roll down your face, the sobs wrack your body, the blues to overwhelm you. You feel to your sides the echoed anguish resonating with your own and the floodgates release anything that was being held back.
In this moment, you feel closer than you ever had to your friends. In this moment, you're all feeling the exact same. In this moment, you don't care that you're being touched, that necks are nuzzling your own. In this moment, you're not one person anymore, you're something else. In this moment, you're an experience.
In this moment, you're a girl, sobbing into the ears of one of her best friends, seeing the betrayal play out in her closed eyelids, gasping for air as she shakes with revulsion at the person she was nothing more than two months ago.
In this moment, you're a lad, shuddering as you see yourself avoiding one of your best friends, doing everything you can to avoid lingering around and having to explain what's going on. You see the disgust for the self in the face as you have to acknowledge your sin, the albatross around your neck.
In this moment, you're yourself, embraced by people you both love and in some capacity, hate. Normally touch of this magnitude repulses you to the bone, but this time you'll look past it. You'll look past it if it brings your friends back to you, if it allows you to start mending bridges.
"Did you know," you whisper through the tears and sobs, "did you know, that I'm asexual?"
At that moment, you all start laughing and pull apart. "Did you have to ruin the mood?" chides Britany, attempting to glare at you. The glare falls apart to a wide grin.
"Well, while that may change what we know to be true about you, that doesn't change how we feel about you. Now come on back for this disgusting snot filled group hug," proclaims Jason, pulling you closer.
You can't help but acquise, giving way to the warmth and love surrounding you. While not all may be right, and there will be things to be fixed, you're sure of who you are and that those around you do care about you, in the end.
[[Later...]]You thought you had the strength to deal with them, you really did. You thought you had finally gotten it all together, enough mental preperation. But you weren't ready for how they would respond, how they looked like when you confronted them with your pain. You weren't ready and it seems as though neither were they.
"You know, I loved you," you whisper as you run past them, unable to help but lash out as your friends. You know the words will only shock and hurt them, if not confuse them as to which one you're talking about when the answer is truly both of them, each in their own way. Just another reason it hurt so much for them to not tell you of their involvement with each other.
You barrel back towards the party, running past the drunken revelers, discarding your solo cup as soon as you can. You don't want anything more to do with drinking tonight, but you also can't be anywhere near your former friends.
Your heart thuds heavily, the blood rushing to your ears. Did you really just call them former friends? Are you really willing to cut ties so easily?
You shake your head, dispelling the oddities from your mind and retreat to the corner of the room, watching the other couples dance in tandem. You can't help but feel jealous of them, with their "normal" relationships.
You've been single for the longest time, and you can't help but wonder if you'd ever be able to have a relationship like the rest of them? You tried so often to avoid thinking about those things, but now it's all crashing down on you.
[[What do you do? What can you do?]]You resolve yourself to keep moving forward. There's no looking back in spite of the hardships you've faced. You've endured this twisted forest, you've endured the betrayal of your friends, of the people you loved. You'll make it all the way to the end. You don't know how to quit.
With the moon as your guide, there's no way anything can go wrong. The sounds of the forest had been diminishing the further you got along, with the onset of the familliar sounds of civilization. Even the darkness was giving way to a light at the end of the path.
You don't even know why you were making your way through the forest anymore. It was initially to retreat, but at this time it just seemed to just a means to an end, a journey to prove you were right, a sort of mantra.
*If I can make it through the forest, if I can finish the hiking trail, I can make it past the suffering and ignominy that I've experienced this day*
That is what filled you with determination. Your attempt to be true to yourself. Does someone that live in secret retreat? Perhaps, but you don't live in secret anymore. You have resolved to move forward, to live as a your true self.
As you finish your motivational trek, you notice that the light spilling forth was from a nature park parking lot. It turns out that this trail was connected to something larger than the hotel, and you feel the same about yourself.
But where do you go from here? Can you return to face your ex-friends, your classmates, the people for the most part you couldn't bring yourself to like? Where do you go when you reach the end of the proverbial road?
As cars fly down the highway, you suspect that the only answer is out, whether to return to the hotel or perhaps college. You've already taken so many risks, what's one more.
You flag over your way to the edge of the road and start hitchhiking like the movies always said. You even show a little leg for laughs, figuring at least you can make yourself happy. After what feels like a long time but was probably minutes, a car pulls up into the parking lot and rolls down it's window.
"You looking to go somewhere? I've got room for someplace not too far away."
You nod and mention your college, which is recognized by the traveler. You figure you can pack up your things and leave, returning perhaps just for graduation. Why stay if you aren't wanted?
In your leap of faith, you accept their offer of a ride--you already had done the hard part and gotten a willing driver--and await the ride back to your temporary home.
[[When it was all over...]]It's as though the world has turned against you, both in the forms of your friends and the soil beneath your feet. You feel as though your loneliness will consume you, although you'd rather the Earth swallow you up instead. But the blood dripping from your forehead and your bruised body remind you there's more than life to being stubborn and stupid.
You turn around, walking carefully this time. You've already tripped over the extended roots and you'd rather avoid getting even more bruised if possible. You've already been gone so long now that a little longer won't change things that much.
This time, without your fear, without your adrenaline pumping through you, you feel disturbed by the woods. It looks like a graveyard for elves and all those other mystical creatures, with decaying trees surrounding the path. It looks as though you've traveled into fall in the midst of spring.
But you know within the rational part of your heart that you've already made it through one way, and it will be the same on the way back. You just have to swallow your irrational fear, like how you swallowed your hopes an ran off, not even giving your friends a chance. You just ran away, not even willing to admit to $loveint how you had loved them. True, you didn't want to break up their relationship, but you wanted to be honest. Honest about why they were running away, about why you weren't staying near.
You wanted to be honest about who you are as a person and why you had loved $loveint, not to say "choose me now". You wanted to acknowledge who you were, and what it would mean. You wanted to be boldfaced and truthful, to wear your heart on your sleeve as much as the next person. You wanted to be honest to your friends and hoped that they could finally be honest to you. You wanted to move past the lies, implicit and otherwise.
In your reverie, your mantra towards truth, your feet pick up the pace and you find yourself back in front of the bridge in no time at all, met with the wondering faces of your friends.
"We were worried sick about you," says Britany, hands on her hips. But you can see the fear in her eyes, the look of concern and affection. Jason stands there with his arms crossed in front of you, unwilling to make eye contact, holding a message between his pursed lips.
"Dude," he manages to spit out, "you can't just disappear like that. It's not right." But Britany punches Jason in the arm, causing him to jump in shock.
"Not now Jason. Not now." She slowly approaches you as though you were a wounded animal, and perhaps that is true. Perhaps you are wounded in some manner.
As she hugs you, stroking your head, you hear her whisper in your ear. "We... we have something to confess. We've been dating for a while now. I'm sorry we didn't tell you before."
But you turn towards her and smile, whispering back, "I know. I know." In this moment, Jason closes the gap, joining in the embrace, whispering to you, "I'm sorry." All you can say again is, "I know. I know."
Amidst your hug of friendship, you manage to squeak out, "I have much to share too."
[[It's not yet right, but things get better.]]
While things can never go back to normal, they can go back to a state approaching normality. After graduation, Jason moved to the city and Britany followed, for what felt like a tumltuous six months before they reverted back to friendship. They split up, living amicably as friends while you had found your own place in the city, dating around the town, trying to get a feel for what you do and don't like. Any feelngs you had towards Britany or Jason have subsided back into friendship, and you meet weekly for game night. You do occasionally wonder what would have happened if you had confessed, but it isn't worth caring about. Lifelong friendship is hard to come by.
As it is, anyway, dating is tough. So many just seem to want sex, and well, that's not what you want at all. Sex is weird skin flaps touching other meaty bits, getting saliva all over the place, mixing germs. It's not very pleasant to your mind and yet you'd be willing to occasionally do it with someone you care about. But that isn't now. These people you interact with come in sex first and you just aren't interested in that.
You can't help but imagine you'd be terribly frustrated if you didn't have the outlet of your friends. They reassured you it wasn't wrong to want what was best for you, that you were entitled to do whatever you felt comfortable with. Their value as sounding boards was and is immeasurable to you. While things may have changed, you're now confident in who you are, and are looking for someone that's confident in you too. You proudly announce to the world that you're panromantic asexual, wearing it as a badge of pride, taking it with you into the work place and perhaps it's a measure of the city, or the times or just the workplace but no one cares.
And to you, perhaps thats the best thing of all. You getting to be you 100% of the time. Everything else can fall into piece if that doesn't change.
The End.You sort of collapse in the corner, under the weight of what feels like accumulated failures. Is everyone as fucked up as you are? A quick survey of the room suggests perhaps, although maybe in a more alcohol based way, although there's more than a few people crying. Senior prom seems to bring out the emotions in everyone, but maybe it's just the alcohol, you aren't sure.
Whatever it may be, alcohol does seem like a good solution to your problems. You struggle to your feet, against the weight of the world and scramble over to the bar. "A gin and tonic," you say, deciding to go harder this time. Maybe if you drink enough, your sorrows will disappear. It happens all the time in the movies, doesn't it?
You purposefully neglect to recall that the drinking is harmful usually in the movies and down your drink as fast as you can, letting your fading buzz rekindle into the stoked fires of drunken revelry. The music is loud, playing some sort of tune you're normally not into, but you know what? Time to change things up.
You saunter over to the dancefloor and give yourself away to the music, furiously writhing and twisting to the bass-driven groove.Your eyes are closed as you focus on the self within, synergizing with the music in every movement. But when you reopen your eyes, you see Jason and Britany dancing with you, grinning sheepishly.
"We couldn't let you be the only thrasher on the floor," says Britany, moving like a puppet pulled by strings, jerking about. Jason manages to retain his elegant manner, dancing with trained movements achievable only by going through one of those dance classes. Even while dancing technically apart, facing towards you with their reckless motions, you can tell they are dancing in sychronicity.
You can't help but sigh and fall to your knees once more. You weren't being fair before. But in spite of your cruel lashing out earlier, Jason and Britany hustled over to you and lifted you from the ground, delivering you from your state of loneliness. Perhaps things can improve afterall.
[[Sometimes, they stay around to pick up the chips.]]They never came back for you. After you recovered from your fragile state, you made your way back to the college, taking a taxi home, just so you wouldn't run into them. Following that you've heard no word of them. They might as well be complete strangers to you, after their abandonment of you. It wasn't too much to want to know about your best friends' lives from them directly, well, until it was.
You heard they moved to the city after college. You did too, although you haven't run into them since. You've been going to therapy lately to try and deal with the feelings their departure from your life had wraught, especially in light of loving them. If they were such trash people to up and abandon you after dating, what does it mean about you to fall in love with them? It's nearly a crippling thought, although you suppose they're being good to each other, perhaps.
In the interim, you've gone out on dates, few that there are. Your therapist recommended it. It's only heightened your revulsion at the physical touch. You can't even bear a hug anymore, where before a hug was your most valued contact. Now it makes you break out in hives, and the dates are so likely to hug at the very end.
And the people, they're all so terrible, the girls with their wandering hands, unwilling to take account of a proper boundry, the guys with forward minds, only asking for one thing, even when you've explicitly told them you don't want to be touched, how you don't want sex. Everywhere you're looking is ending in disappointment. It's enough to make someone want give up on dating at all, but you can't.
If you were brave enough to be true to yourself, you're brave enough to try and delve through all the worthless suitors. It doesn't matter who fails at the moment; you have a world of viable people to date. You literally don't care what gender they are, they just have to be right for you. In the interim, the therapist said to take up a hobby or join a meetup group.
So you joined a knitting club-- who would have thought-- and decided to take up journaling. It's helping you reorganize your thoughts, working through your pain, coming out stronger in the end. You'll endure this change. While you went from great to shit, things are already looking up. You're strong, you're true, you know what you want. Change is like a wave that you'll ride to the end. Those that endure win.
The EndTo what was perhaps your surprise, the driver dropped you off at the school, no harm no foul. There was no reach out from either of your former friends, nor did you stay in contact with them. You looked for an apartment in the city as soon as possible, moving in with a complete stranger, returning to the school only for graduation.
As far as your roommate knows, you're just not good with dating. You haven't gone out on any dates, repressing your desire for happiness. It doesn't help that your revulsion for touch has spiked, making it feel hard to garner any friendships, even if you know you don't have to constantly touch other people to make friends.
You've become something of a hermit, only leaving for work and for food, living in the world between 1 and 0 on your computer. Even there, you have trouble making new friends though. Something inside of you is confused as to why Britany & Jason didn't reach out, if they even really cared or whether they had been going through the motions, if you're a person even worth caring about.
If you knew better, you'd speculate you were going through depression, but you haven't had the strength to go to a therapist and try and determine what was going wrong. You feel like you're spiraling downwards, and no matter how much your roommate tries to interact with you, you rebuff him. Soon you'll be entirely alone, and you're at ease with that. Or so you tell yourself.
The EndMonths later, all was in the open. Jason and Britany have still been dating, although they're now aware of two simple facts: that you're asexual panromantic and that you had loved $loveint. It's now had loved, as you learned to move on. You got over $loveint because it wasn't meant to be, and you aren't the type to pine after a committed person.
And yet, none of those things changed who you were to them. They had acknowledged their guilt, their deception. They had hid from you the facts of their new life and avoided you as to avoid the guilt.
They were willing to acknowledge that the fault lay on them in this situation; it made sense for you to skulk off and flee. Was it the best thing for you to do? Perhaps not, but you're all friends again, of sorts.
You find it harder to trust them and question each delay between text messages arriving, as trust takes a while to rebuild and you were dealing with a deficit before.
You're now living on your own in the city, seeing someone. While your romantic interest understand your general dislike of touch, you're willing to concede some physical action here and there: if it's someone you care for, well, you've put up with worse. It makes you happy that they're happy, and sometimes that's all that matters. Their pleasure comes back to you and sometimes that is its own reward.
Jason and Britany live somewhere else. You haven't been invited over yet to their apartment, but you do meet up every week for drinks. They seem happy in their relationship and you're happy that they are happy.
Things won't be the same again, but the same doesn't mean bad. People change. You've changed. You're looking forward to the next changes, for things are only getting better.
The EndEven with how you shouted at them, with how you used their love as a weapon, they returned to you. They embraced you and showered you with the love you needed, in response to having pushed you away. They refused to let you harm yourself further, taking care to regularly visit you in your new place in the City, not too far from their own.
While they had moved intogether, they lived only a few neighborhoods away and it felt just like college, hanging all the time. The distance felt unreal, given how often you spent at each others places. While their relationship dynamic had changed, your total one didn't have to. You could still remain the best of friends.
As for your love, you stifled the romance of it and encouraged it to feed back into the friendship component of your relationship. You were too happy to encourage their love to brood upon your own, and in turn, knowing of your predilictions, your dislike to being touched and your disregard for a significant other's gender, they've put themselves out there to network romances on your behalf, some with promising results, some not so much.
But it's the fact that they care enough to do so, their kindness and generosity of spirit that allows you to be able to fully appreciate their closeness and warmth when embraced in a hug. While you may not want to touch further than that, you can submerge within the depths of their affection and draw from that strength to build upon your own.
While things have changed, others haven't and that's okay. Change isn't always good, but it doesn't have to be bad, and the same can be said for stagnation. It wasn't intended to break you, but they were willing to put you back together again.
The End