How Do You Feel

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[How Am I (text-colour:cyan)[(t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:2s)[[Feeling->Waking Up]]] Today? (if:(history: where its name contains "Bed")'s length is 1)[(text-colour:navy)[(t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[Another Day Another Struggle->Day 2 ]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I wake up in a brief moment of blissful ignorance. I wave my arms around looking for my phone as I awake more from my slumber and realize I have to deal with the burdens of (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"life.")[ I find my phone under my pillow and glance at the screen. So many notifications none of which are important. No texts. No dm's. As I stare right through my phone I notice the (t8n:"zoom")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"time!")[ (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:2s)+(link-reveal:"8:32!")[ (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:2s)+(link-reveal:"Deep Breath in...")[ (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:0.3s)+(link-reveal:"Deep Breath out...")[ (t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"//(text-colour:yellow)[DAMNIT AHHHHH!]//")[ Aiyah! I should be on the bus by 8 (t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:0.6s)+(link-reveal:"latest!")[ (text-colour:yellow)[I didn't even get a chance to finish my project! It's barely completed! Why can I never finish! Everytime I think I'll have enough time but nope! (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)(click-goto:?page,"What Should I Do?") ]]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[(text-colour:yellow)[ (t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.5s)+(link-reveal:"ShouldIEvenGo?!")[ (t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:0.5s)+(link-reveal:"WhatIfIDon't?!")[ (t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-time:0.5s)+(link-reveal:"ShouldIJustFinishAndHandItInLate?!")[ (t8n:"zoom")+(t8n-time:0.5s)+(link-reveal:"WhyDoIAlwaysRunOutOfTime?!")[ (t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.5s)+(link-reveal:"WhyDoIAlwaysStayUpLateAndAccomplishAnything?!")[ (t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:0.5s)+(link-reveal:"EveryoneElseSeemsToDoItWhyCan'tI?!")[ (t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-time:0.5s)+(link-reveal:"AHHHHWHYAMILIKETHIS?!")[ IDON'TWANTTOBELIKETHIS! (text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[Go->Contemplation]]] (text-colour:white)[Or] (text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[Don't->Leaving]]] ]]]]]]]] ]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I really don't want to go. The commute, the people, the assingment, it's all too much!(t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:" But...")[ If I stay home will I even realistically complete the assignment? I tell myself I will but in relaity I'm too exhuasted so I'll just pass out on my bed until who knows when and just wait later and laster. Then before I relaise it (or cognitive dissoance kicks in and I lie to comfort myself) it's way too late and I stay up once again completing the (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:0.6s)+(link-reveal:"cycle.")[ Screw it, I'll bite the bullet and just go against my better (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[judgement.->Contemplation]] ]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I rush out my front door as I continue to have this avalanche of thoughts running through my (t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"head.")[ (text-colour:yellow)[(t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"I could’ve done better!")[ (t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"I can do better!")[ (t8n:"zoom")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"Why do I feel stuck in life and constantly burnt out?!")[ (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"I’m not even challenged!")[ If I could I would scream until my (text-colour:red)[vocal chords were torn] and punch something until my (text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[fists were broken.->Intrusive Thoughts]]]] ]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[Constant intrusive thoughts flood my mind as I take the bus to transfer to a (t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"train.")[ (text-colour:yellow)[(t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"What if I jumped in front of it?")[ (t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"How would Maylene feel?")[ (t8n:"zoom")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"How would my parents feel?")[ (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"What would happen to my school and medical records?")[ (text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[Should I?->Jump Contemplation]]] or (text-colour:red)[(t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[Not?->Board The Train]]]]] ]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The cognitive dissonace, stronger than ever, the hairs on the back of the neck rise while you feel yourself lean forward ever so slightly like a gentle breeze and whisper telling (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1.5s)+(link-reveal:"you...")[(text-style:"subscript","condense","sway")[(text-colour:yellow)[(t8n-time:1.2s)+(link-reveal:"Do it...")[ (text-colour:white)+(text-style:"fidget")[Despite the grandiose urge, I can't do that to Maylene, I know it would break her. I watch the train approach the (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[platform.->Board The Train]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The magnificence of engineering that is a train rushes past me and comes to a stand (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1.2s)+(link-reveal:"still.")[ I board it and have music playing near max volume despite knowing how bad it is, to attempt to drown out all the thoughts but they continue to seep (t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"in.")[ (text-colour:yellow)[(t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"I can still turn back.")[ (t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"What classes do I have again today?")[ (t8n:"zoom")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"OH GOD the other project is due soon, have I made any leeway on that?")[ (t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"What am I doing at my job later this week?")[ (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"I wonder how Maylene is doing?")[ (b4r:"solid")+(b4r-colour:white)[ (align:"<==")+(box:"X")[(text-colour:white)[Hi Cutie! Whatcha doing?]] (align:"==>")+(box:"============XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[(text-colour:navy)[Woke up late, on taking the train. HBU?] ] (align:"<==")+(box:"X")[(text-colour:white)[Miss you, sleepy, stressed cause of (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[physics and biochem.->NYU CAS]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[Ha physics II, at NYU, I can’t imagine being in a class and school so difficult despite the fact that I get so many people telling me I’m fully capable of doing (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"it.")[ Despite both of us thinking we’re complete idiots we always tell each other the (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"opposite.")[ Maylene may believe that about me but at least she has the work and proof to back it up, and what do I(t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:" have?")[ Before I know it I’m at school, being trapped in your head really does skew your sense of (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"time.")[ Even though I’m running late I still grab something to eat before heading (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"in.")[ I don’t even bother taking the elevator anymore, I like the idea of climbing all the way down from the five train up to the fourth floor of the school and being sore and out of breath from running all of (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[it. ->Class]] ]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I clench my fists and swallow what’s in my throat quickly before walking (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"in.")[ I’m fifteen minutes late, the professor is present but some students still haven't shown (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"up.")[ I sit in my chair, sweaty from the running and the constant nuisance that is my (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"mind.")[ As we wait, I have a few options, (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[look at my phone,->Look At Phone]](t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[go on my computer,->On Computer]] or just try and (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[make conversation with a classmate.->Conversation]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I look at my phone and there's nothing too important to notice. Some instagram messages I don't feel like checking currently, possibly later. I go to Reddit and scroll for a bit out of boredom and as a distraction from what I think is a horrible (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"project.")[ After a few minutes the professor calls everyone together and it's time to start presenting our (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[projects.->Presentations]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I open up my laptop and plug the charger into an outlet. I quickly glance at my project and realise with increasing horror that there's not much I can really do to improve anything in such a short time span so I close my project and accept that I'll fail the assigment. I quickly check my email for anything important (which there almost never is) before the professor gathers us together to start (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[presentations.->Presentations]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I look around my immediate vicinity wondering who I should talk (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"to.")[ Too fatigued at life, and too anxious about the project I simply look around the room and wonder how everyone's projects will be in comparison to (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"mine. ")[ Before I know it the professor is gathering us together to start the (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[presentations.->Presentations]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[The projects range from looking nearly done and well made, to still being concepts, (t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"mine included.")[ As I present mine, I hold my hands tight and feel my throat start to close but I'm still able to project my voice for everyone (t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"to hear.")[ I dissociate and don’t focus on anyone in particular as I try to constrain my brain from blurting out randomness and too much information that isn’t (t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"needed.")[ I can feel myself going in loops and repeating what I’ve already said but I continue on (t8n:"zoom")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"nonetheless.")[ By the time I can finally shut my mouth, and stop the facade of confidence my chest is hurting and I’m sweating (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"profusely.")[ I answer what few questions there are and walk back to my(t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:1s)+(link-reveal:"seat.")[ I feel like I’m stumbling the whole time and thinking that everyone is staring at (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[me.->Grading]]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[We grade ourselves and despite being slightly harsh I still get a relatively high grade I think I don’t (t8n:"zoom")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"deserve.")[ (text-colour:yellow)[(t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"WHY?!")[ (t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"THIS GAME ISNT COMPLETE!")[ (t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"IT BARELY MATCHES THE CRITERIA OF THE RUBRIC!")[ IF THIS WERE NYU I WOULDVE FAILED, HELL EVEN IF I WERE IN MY HIGH SCHOOL I WOULDVE (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[FAILED!!->Retrospect]] ]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I’m reminded of how little I’m challenged here despite feeling burnt out and stressed, and not having perfect (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"grades.")[ I hate myself for comparing it to NYU but everyone is telling me I’ll get in and do great so I set a standard for (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"myself.")[ My high school has turned me into the harshest critic and I (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"despise it.")[ When staying up until 2 or 3 and waking up at 7, 4 times a week was considered the norm, and it was seen as bad if you weren’t taking at least 3 (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"AP classes.") [Despite all that, thanks to the collective trauma we experienced, I’ve made some of my closest friends going to that (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[school.->Going Back Home]] ] ]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[On my way back home I’m too exhausted from socializing with more than three people so I pass out on the train again blasting music to drown out the (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"thoughts.")[ I wake up to the train pulling into my stop, I gather my things and run down the stairs as if I have somewhere (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:0.6s)+(link-reveal:"to be.")[ I don't even want to head home yet. I want to be by myself where no one expects anything (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:0.6s)+(link-reveal:"of me.")[ (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[Head home->Heading Home]] or (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[Wander around->Wander Around]] ]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[As I walk home I think about what work I should do and if I will even end up (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"doing it.")[ I text Maylene about her day and allow her to emotionally dump her stressors on me. It makes me so content that I can provide support to such a wonderful person that the world takes for (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"granted.")[ As I approach my front door I see my dad isnt home and I wonder how he does it. Him and his brothers work so hard and nonstop without a break, I don’t (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"understand how.")[ If I had to do that I would put a (text-colour:red)[(t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"hole in my skull.")[ (text-colour:white)[My dad works 6 days a week sometimes 12+ hours, my uncle works in a law firm, and my other uncle just bought a house,] (text-colour:yellow)[IN THIS ECONOMY!](text-colour:yellow)[ HOW?!] (text-colour:white)[I dont understand how they (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[do it.->Burn Out]]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I walk along blocks I have traversed numerous times before, gaining relief through the brisk air (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"at dusk.")[ I go to my regular deli and get a water. I'm not even thirsty, I just need a reason (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"to go.")[ I walk past my elementary schools reminiscing about how easy it used to be. How I wish my mind could be so simple in it's way of thinking. Lack of criticality and over (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"stimulated.")[ I decide to make my way back home it's (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[already 11.->Heading Home]] ]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[ Every semester I feel burnt out from just (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"existing.")[ And this daily cycle of my brain and me as an entity feeling like two separate(t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:" beings.")[ The constant dialogue that goes on, I hate it and don’t want to deal with it (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"anymore.")[ I want to turn my mind off and just have 5 minutes of piece but no matter how much i say (t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-time:0.2s)+(link-reveal:"please,")[ (text-colour:red)[(t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:0.7s)+(link-reveal:"PLEASE! SHUT THE FUCK UP!")[(text-colour:white)[ (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[...it doesn't listen.->Bed]]]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I go to my bed too tired to do (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:0.7s)+(link-reveal:"anything.")[ Talking to Maylene to give me the strength to not figure out a way to overdose on insulin and put myself in(t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:0.7s)+(link-reveal:" a coma.")[ My mind saying hey lets make improvements, like I can do something about it (t8n:"blur")+(t8n-time:0.7s)+(link-reveal:"at 1 am.")[ Telling myself I’ll work on my projects (t8n-time:0.7s)+(link-reveal:"tomorrow.")[ Ending yet another day of what is a constant loop of so called life; (t8n-depart:"flicker")+(t8n-arrive:"flicker")+(t8n-time:2s)[[And That’s…->How Are You Feeling]] ]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[I wake up at 5am covered in sweat, so numb I can't move but too anxious to sleep. Stuck in a limbo of (t8n:"blur")+(link-reveal:"sleep paralysis.")[ Stuck in this horrid state my mind proceeds to do what it does (link-reveal:"best.")[ Bombard itself with the constant worries and struggles that I tell myself I shoudln't beat myself over but (text-colour:red)[(t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"I can't help it.")[ [ I allow people to see slices of my mind, but no one has all (t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"the pieces.")[ (t8n:"shudder")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"Why is it so hard to open up?!")[ (t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"Why can I only express it through the facde of humor?!")[ (t8n:"zoom")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"Why do I push those away who care?!")[ (t8n:"rumble")+(t8n-time:0.4s)+(link-reveal:"Why do I say I'm fine when it's so far from the truth?!")[ I feel so useless and empty, no one should know what it feels like, I'll make everyone feel welcomed and have a good time, make them know they're not alone, (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:1s)[[and their voice is heard.->Day 2 Morning]]]]]]]]]] ]] ]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[Before I relaize it, I hear the bird chirpings ans the light of the morning Sun start to pierce my window. I'm annoyed from twisting anf turning and being unable to turn. At least I don't have classes today so I can prepare ]