it's all just [[shame]]\nthickening right below the surface

<<timedremove 3s>>this is more than \nanhedonia<<endtimedremove>>\n\n<<timedinsert 4s>>something is [[looming]]<<endtimedinsert>>

(take 10mg 1x semi-daily thinking it will be easier to wean off of when you lose health insurance because you still have not learned to [[value]] life more than money)

it's not a question of semantics\n<<timedcontinue 1s>>but of [[ontology]]

<<fadeinsound "Paynes Creek 1.mp3">> [img[feetsies.gif]]<<timedcontinue 9s>>[[***]]

a n h e d o n <<timedremove 3s>>i<<endtimedremove>><<timedinsert 4s>>[[_]]<<endtimedinsert>> a

i can't believe\nwe are still telling people to act\n<<timedcontinue 1s>>[[as if]]

sometimes it [[feels]] like cowardice

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for whatsoever man called every living creature, \nthat was the [[name]] thereof

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i'm still not convinced about whose [[benefit]] it's for

anhedonia\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>by [[maddox pratt|http://misterjoyboy.tumblr.com/]]\n\n<<timedcontinue 3s>>macros by [[leon arnott|http://l.j-factor.com/]]\n<<timedcontinue 4s>>\n

[img[scissors3.jpg]]\n<<timedcontinue 1s>>i'm skilled at cutting around\n<<timedcontinue 1.5s>>the [[boundaries]] \ni set in place

<<fadeinsound "clock fast low.mp3">><<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic\n<<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic\n<<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic \n<<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic \n<<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic \n<<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<fadeoutsound "clock fast low.mp3">><<timedcontinue .5s>>tic <<timedcontinue .5s>>[[tic|semantics]]

semantic saturation:\n\nthe phenomenon whereby the uninterrupted [[repetition]] of a word\nleads to a sense that the word has lost its meaning

<html>\n<video autoplay>\n <source src="feet.ogg" type="video/ogg">\n Your browser does not support the video tag.\n</video>\n</html>

practice\n[[IMPROVING THE MOMENT]]\nwith a half smile

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<<fadeinsound "Termite.mp3">>[img[termites.gif]]i locked my mother out of the house once\nconvinced the termites tapping against the window\nwere about to break the glass to get inside\n\n<<timedremove 3s>> and throw themselves at the light<<endtimedremove>><<timedinsert 5s>>and [[devour]] me<<endtimedinsert>>

<<timedreplace 3.5s>>sometimes not knowing how to take a life feels like cowardice <<replacewith>>\nsometimes this feeling of cowardice feels like [[cowardice]]<<endtimedreplace>>

doctor opal \nin her pink sweater set\ntold me\nmy problem\nwas that i had not tried hard enough\n<<timedcontinue 2s>>to [[smile]]

call this: \n\n<<timedremove 2s>>attention seeking<<endtimedremove>><<timedinsert 3s>> <<timedremove 3.2s>>a cry for help<<endtimedremove>><<endtimedinsert>><<timedinsert 7.2s>>[[borderline]]<<endtimedinsert>>

<<cyclinglink $end "dismiss" "repress" "discount" "repeat" end>> [[it|knowing]]

i <<timedremove 2.2s>>have mental illness<<endtimedremove>><<timedinsert 3.3s>>[[am]] mentally ill<<endtimedinsert>>

<<fadeinsound "pencil.mp3">>[img[ward2.gif]]<<timedcontinue 13s>>[[****]]<<fadeoutsound "pencil.mp3">>

[img[lilacs2.jpg]]i smell the lilacs blooming\nand feel the heat \nthat makes me feel \nten years younger\nand only just discovering\nwhat it can mean to touch\ni weep when my partner \nsays she loves me\nbecause that makes it more\nfrightening\nmy thinking of permanent \n[[goodbyes]]

<<timedremove 2s>>sometimes<<endtimedremove>><<timedinsert 3.2s>> surviving myself\nfeels like it should be<<endtimedinsert>>\n<<timedinsert 4.5s>>enough<<endtimedinsert>>\n\n<<timedcontinue 6s>>[[*]]

this is an <<cyclinglink "irrational" "dysfunctional" "unhealthy" "insane" "terrifying" end>> [[thought]]

<<fadeoutsound "Paynes Creek 1.mp3">><<timedcontinue 2s>>i keep imagining my [[life]] as something <<timedremove 4s>>fading<<endtimedremove>>

all i can think about are its [[edges]]

<<timedcontinue .5s>>DEPRESSION\n<<timedcontinue .4s>>DEPRESSION\n<<timedcontinue .4s>>DEPRESSION\n<<timedcontinue .4s>>DEPRESSION\n<<timedcontinue .4s>>DEPRESSION\n<<timedcontinue .4s>>DEPRESSION\n<<timedcontinue .4s>>DEPRESSION\n<<timedcontinue .4s>>DEPRESSION\n<<timedcontinue .4s>>DEPRESSION\n<<timedcontinue .4s>>[[DEPRESSION]]

<<cyclinglink $end "dismiss" "repress" "repeat" end>> [[it]]

this is not a <<cyclinglink "rational" "healthy" "reasonable" "sane" end>> [[response]]\n\n<<if $end eq "sane">>\n<<print $end>>\n<<endif>>

<<timedcontinue .5s>>how does one [[separate]] illness from self

my thoughts \nrefuse to stay\n<<timedremove 2s>>in place<<endtimedremove>>\n<<timedinsert 4s>>[[come back]]<<endtimedinsert>>

<<fadeoutsound "Termite.mp3">><<timedcontinue 1.5s>>the glass is [[cracking]]

or is it all just an [[attempt]] at absolution

[img[masonjarcopy.jpg]] take [[20mg 1x daily]] with water\navoid alcohol\nand sunlight\n<<timedcontinue 1.5s>>indulge in both

<<fadeinsound "kans.mp3">>\n<<timedcontinue .7s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic\n<<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic\n<<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic \n<<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic \n<<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic \n<<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<timedcontinue 1s>>tic <<fadeoutsound "kans.mp3">> <<timedcontinue 1s>>[[tic]]\n

[img[scalescopy2.jpg]] i think in net balances\nmy life always lighter \n<<timedcontinue 1.5s>>than what it takes \nto [[maintain]] it

<<timedcontinue .5s>>repeat <<timedcontinue .5s>>repeat <<timedcontinue .5s>>repeat <<timedcontinue .5s>>[[repeat]]

<<timedcontinue 1.5s>> i fear what [[quiets]] them

five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period\n1. <<cyclinglink "depressed mood most of the day nearly everyday (may present as irritability)" "i feel empty and heavy at the same time. tears are always approaching." "L I E" "why is this \ni can't i can't i can't i can't \nyou don't understand \ni have shards of glass for a rib cage \nhold breath and cry"end>>\n2. <<cyclinglink "markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day" "stopped returning calls. avoid large groups. no longer keep up the pretence of fine" "L I E" "there is little point in anything. wanting only makes this harder"end>>\n3. <<cyclinglink "significant weight loss or weight gain" "weight gain from self medicating with sugar and wine" "L I E" "fat and monstrous. dig fingers into flesh. how does one hide when this size"end>>\n4. <<cyclinglink "insomnia or hypersomnia nearly everyday" "these endlessly running thoughts keep me awake at night. i would sleep through days if it weren't for appearances" "L I E" "12:00 12:20 12:34 12:50 1:04 1:26 2:00 2:40 3:25 4:13 5:20 6:00"end>>\n5. <<cyclinglink "psychomotor agitation or retardation" "i fidget and shake and need something to do with my hands" "L I E" "cut scratch hit clench burn cut rub tap pick dig jerk cut stab punch slice pull bite cut cut cut"end>>\n6. <<cyclinglink "fatigue or loss of energy nearly everyday" "the solution is not sleep" "L I E" "everything is a dull buzzing" end>>\n7. <<cyclinglink "feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly everyday" "there is a nagging question of worth. my friendship is a burden" "L I E" "i am a failure. as a friend. as a partner. as an artist. as a student. as a lover. as a person" end>>\n8. <<cyclinglink "diminished ability to think or concentrate or indecissiveness nearly every day" "i cannot keep track of thoughts. sentences are lost midway" "L I E" ".............................................................................................................................."end>>\n9. <<cyclinglink "recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide" "i think about death every hour. formulating plans." "L I E" "i have miscalculated. i have saved myself. i do not want to die. i don't always know this" end>>\ncheck [[all]]

this is an <<cyclinglink "irrational" "dysfunctional" "unhealthy" "insane" end>> [[belief]]