nine months out

Your browser lacks required capabilities. Please upgrade it or switch to another to continue.

Loading…

<<link "resources" "resources">><</link>> <<link "credits" "credits">><</link>>

nell xoxo

nine months in

reflections on having a baby and maybe not being as totally fine as you keep telling people

<a href ="https://nyehilism.itch.io/twine-template">Nyehilism's Sugarcube Templagte</a> <a href="https://www.motoslave.net/sugarcube/2/docs/">Sugarcube 2 Documentation</a> <a href="https://github.com/ChapelR/custom-macros-for-sugarcube-2">Chapel - custom macros collection</a> <a href="https://github.com/cyrusfirheir/cycy-wrote-custom-macros">Cycy's custom macros</a> Cover image uses Bone White Blue Groovy You Matter Desktop Wallpaper by Trixie Gyle on Canva <<back "return">>

vague references to childbirth. discussion of post-partum anxiety and depression. <<back "return">>

if any of this little project has resonated with you, i've included some links below to offer some ideas of where to access support, most being based in the UK. if you're in the thick of it right now, please please contact your GP or health visitor - my experience of accessing post partum mental health support has generally been really positive and i'm lucky to have been taken seriously by the practitioners that i've spoken to (and i'm happy to speak in more detail about how i went about accessing support and what i received). [[association for post natal illness (apni)|http://www.apni.org/]] [[pre and postnatal depression advice and support (PANDAS)|http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/]] [[national childbirth trust (nct)|https://www.nct.org.uk/]] [[mind, the mental health charity|http://www.mind.org.uk/]] [[tommy's|https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/mental-wellbeing]] [[muslim women's network|https://www.mwnhelpline.co.uk/]] support offered in english, urdu, punjabi, mirpuri, putwari, hindko, and bengali. [[twins trust|https://www.twinstrust.org/]] for parents of twins, triplets and more, run by volunteers who have multiples themselves. [[birth trauma association|https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/]] for anyone affected by birth trauma, including partners. [[gingerbread|https://www.gingerbread.org.uk]] for single parent families [[maternal ocd|https://www.maternalocd.org]] for people experiencing perinatal OCD and their families. [[cry-sis|http://www.cry-sis.org.uk/]] for people struggling with a sleepless baby and/or a crying baby. i'm also always happy to chat - you can find me on tumblr at @nellplays or at nell#6761 on discord (although that may change soon). it's hard out here, but you're doing great xoxo <<back "return">>

<<link '<div id="splash"></div>'>><<run hideMenu()>><<timed 5s>><<goto "one.1">><</timed>><</link>>

<<run UIBar.hide();>><div style="text-align: center;"><<link "begin" "one.2">><</link>> <<link "content warnings" "content warnings">><</link>> <<link "resources" "resources">><</link>></div>

<<run UIBar.show();>><div style="text-align: center;">you haven't slept in 72 hours. <<timed 2s>><<link "there is a tiny little person in your arms.">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("1").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>> <</link>><</timed>> <<timed 4s>>@@.rumble;maybe you're not cut out for this?<</timed>> <<timed 6s>><div class="next">[[→|two]]</div><</timed>></div>

holy fuck i don't know what i'm doing.

<div style="text-align: center;">you went to a 6 week class <<timed 2s>>and you read five books cover to cover <</timed>> <<timed 4s>>and did two online classes <</timed>> <<timed 6s>>and followed all the parenting blogs. <</timed>> <<timed 8s>>you wanted //so desperately// to be amazing at this. <</timed>> <<timed 10s>><div class="next">[[→|four]]</div><</timed>></div>

is that what i am? i'm none of the things a mum should be.

<div style="text-align: center;">people ask you questions like <<timed 2s>><<link "//how's life as a mum?">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("2").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>> <</link>><</timed>> <<timed 4s>>or //aren't you just the happiest you've ever been?//<</timed>> <<timed 6s>>and that plays on a loop every time you worry<</timed>> <<timed 8s>>or feel tired <</timed>> <<timed 10s>>or aren't blissfully overjoyed.<</timed>> <<timed 12s>>guilt settles like a lead ball in your stomach.<</timed>> <<timed 14s>><div class="next">[[→|five]]</div><</timed>></div>

<div style="text-align: center;">every decision you have to make its <<timed 2s>><<link "a choice that feels bad">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("five.1").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>><</link>><</timed>> <<timed 3s>><<link "a choice that feels bad">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("five.2").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>><</link>><</timed>> <<timed 4s>><<link "a choice that feels bad">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("five.3").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>><</link>><</timed>> <<timed 6s>>and you never know which one to choose <</timed>> <<timed 8s>>because you can't do anything right <</timed>> <<timed 10s>>and you want to be perfect at this <</timed>> <<timed 12s>><div class="next">[[→|six]]</div><</timed>></div>

nope!

absolutely not!

//i don't know what i'm doing//

<div style="text-align: center;">you draft a message to send in the group chat if they die. <<timed 2s>>you have nightmares about it.<</timed>> <<timed 4s>>you wake with tears in your eyes <</timed>> <<timed 6s>>and a tiny hand in yours. <</timed>> <<timed 8s>><div class="next">[[→|seven]]</div><</timed>></div>

<div style="text-align: center;">it's not that it isn't what you thought, <<timed 2s>>because, in almost every way, it is exactly as you imagined. <</timed>> <<timed 4s>><<link "they are exactly as perfect as you imagined.">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("4").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>> <</link>><</timed>> <<timed 6s>><div class="next">[[→|eight]]</div><</timed>>

i just also imagined that i would be better at this.

<div style="text-align: center;">you are scared to admit that you aren't happy. <<timed 2s>><<link "you can't say it out loud.">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("5").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>> <</link>><</timed>> <<timed 4s>><div class="next">[[→|nine]]</div><</timed>></div>

i should be //the happiest i've ever been//. people will think that i don't love you //but i do//.

<div style="text-align: center;">the first time they bump their little head, <<timed 2s>>@@.rumble;it's just blind panic <</timed>> <<timed 4s>>@@.rumble;and you can't breathe. <</timed>> <<timed 6s>>you sit together in the bath<</timed>> <<timed 8s>>and cry until your throat is raw. <</timed>> <<timed 10s>><div class="next">[[→|ten]]</div><</timed>></div>

<div style="text-align: center;">you see a doctor. <<timed 2s>><<link "your worries come up like vomit.">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("6").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>> <</link>><</timed>> <<timed 4s>>she stops you as you're about to leave and says<</timed>> <<timed 6s>>//you know, i can tell you're an amazing mum,//<</timed>> <<timed 7s>>//just from listening to you speak about them//<</timed>> <<timed 9s>>and you cry the whole way home.<</timed>> <<timed 11s>><div class="next">[[→|eleven]]</div><</timed>></div>

i am so lucky and so grateful but also so tired and so worried //all the time.// i'm going to get this wrong. i'm messing you up. i'm not half good enough for you.

<div style="text-align: center;">you hold them close and make the same promise every day. <<timed 2s>><<link "i love you.">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("7").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>> <</link>><</timed>> <<timed 4s>><div class="next">[[→|twelve]]</div><</timed>></div>

<div style="text-align: center;"><<link "you hope you feel better soon.">> <<script>> Dialog.setup(""); Dialog.wiki(Story.get("8").processText()); Dialog.open(); <</script>> <</link>> <<timed 2s>><div class="next">[[↻|one.1]]</div><</timed>></div>

i will do everything i can to help you get to where you need to go and become who you need to be. i will nurture you as you grow and change. i will try my best to be what you need, and when i fall short, i will keep trying. //i love you.// //i love you.// //i love you.//

but this i know before everything else: in every conceivable universe i would choose to do it all again to have even one minute with you.