Gone Away

(set: $slowDissolve to (transition: "dissolve") + (transition-time: 10s)) { (set: $stopCycle to 10) (live: 1s)[ (if: $stopCycle is 0)[ I'm far away,(stop:) ] (else: )[ (set: $stopCycle to it - 1) (css: "position: absolute; left: " + (string: 10 * $stopCycle) + "px")[I'm far away,] ] ] } $slowDissolve[ I don’t know when I can go back but in the meantime, I travel.](click: "I travel")[$slowDissolve[ I'm millions of kilometers gone or at least it feels like it. It’s hard, deciding to take that big leap, thinking about all you’ve ever done and all you could ever do and just say: ''Fuck it.'' All the possibilities in the universe and you choose the one thing you can never go back from, the one thing that promises you to be alone and out of choices.]](click: "choices.")[$slowDissolve[ [[This place is beautiful.->Beauty]] [[I left a lot behind to get here.->Left Behind]] ]] (set: $doubt to 0)

$slowDissolve[I've never before been able to see such beauty. (mouseover-replace: "beauty")[(color: "orange")[beauty]] Here I am, taking a small step away from it all. To finally see the big picture, as if you've been staring at a wall your whole life and all you needed to do is turn around to see the rest of it.(click: "the rest of it.")[$slowDissolve[ [[My self-doubt started with just a single message I received.->The Screen]] ] ] ] (set: $doubt to $doubt + 1)

(display: "test") $slowDissolve[My heart is still back there. I have regrets, sure, like choosing to come here in the first place. Is it easier this way? Did I just select the simple path because I wasn’t able to decide when I was completely free?](click: "when I was completely free?")[$slowDissolve[ [[My self-doubt started with just a single message I received.->The Screen]] ]] (set: $doubt to $doubt - 1)

(display: "test") $slowDissolve[The screen, my only last connection to the world of the past lit up. Text appeared: $fontComputer[Where are you right now?]] (mouseover: "Where are you right now?")[$slowDissolve[I couldn’t really answer. Sure, I had a keyboard, I knew how to write, but the words had a hard time coming out. This person hasn’t spoken to me in years and now that they saw I was leaving, they want to talk? [[It almost seems fake but sure, let's indulge.->The Conversation]] [[They don't even matter now.->The Refusal]] ] ]

(display: "test") (set: $fontComputerPlayer to (font: "Courier New") + (background:"#002273") + (align: "==>") + (transition: "dissolve")) $fontComputerPlayer[I’m away right now, I can’t really talk.] $slowDissolve[The screen stayed static for a couple of minutes, I didn’t know if that was due to my weak signal or because they didn’t know what to say either.] (live: 15s)[$slowDissolve[Right as my mind started to wander off, they answered:](stop:)] (live: 20s)[$fontComputer[You’re not home? Oh...](stop:)](mouseover: "Oh...")[$slowDissolve[ It almost made me laugh. No, I wasn’t home, I was the furthest I’ve ever been from home. $fontComputerPlayer[How are you?]]](click: "How are you?")[$slowDissolve[ $fontComputer[I need to talk] $fontComputerPlayer[What about?]]](click: "What about?")[$slowDissolve[ I knew what it would be about, probably their problems, their worries, their reminiscing of the good old times. I’m over that, I see my past, I know my present and it’s not hard to guess at what my future will be. I don’t resent them for being attached to (font: "fade-in-out")[time], as I used to be. $fontComputer[We used to be friends, I just wanted to catch up.] $fontComputerPlayer[Catching up takes a long time, are you free?]]](click: "are you free?")[$slowDissolve[ Despite all of my determination to go through with this, I still wanted to hang onto them. $fontComputer[Yeah I have a bit of a break... (click-replace: "...")[ Why did you go? A big question, why did I go?]]](click: "why did I go?")[$slowDissolve[ There were many reasons why. I was curious, I wanted to know what would happen if I came here. I was tired of my existence from before. The only thing I remember from that is more like a feeling, like a static white noise droning on and on. I must have been miserable. I wanted to achieve something, to do what no one else has done before. We all search for something to make us unique, so this, agreeing to go out here, was going to be mine. I would keep this to myself, no matter how the rest of the world would react to my decision.]](click: "decision.")[ [[Then my mind started wandering off, lost on a train of thought.->The Shadow]] ]] (set: $doubt to $doubt + 1)

(display: "test") $slowDissolve[How dared They come to me now? They didn’t really care then and They didn’t care now. I remembered every time I was betrayed, everytime I was let down. I opened my heart and they spat upon it.](click: "they spat upon it.")[ $slowDissolve[No, They wanted to take advantage somehow. They told me that they loved me once, I spent a long time thinking about Them, how I looked, what I said. I did everything to seem good and desirable to Them. But all it took was one fateful day to bring it all (text-rotate: 25)[tumbling] down.]](click:"tumbling")[ $slowDissolve[It started with a look, a single look of distain as I tried to explain my true feelings. The world I left behind, there was more than just apperances to me, but They didn’t see things that way. It was always superficial, none of it honest.]](click: "none of it honest.")[$slowDissolve[ I went away because I wanted to get far from Them. My disapearing (text-style: "fade-in-out")[hate] had motivated me. Though it would bring me some form of joy to know that They miss me, I didn’t dare write back. The messages accumulated :]](click: "The messages accumulated :")[$slowDissolve[ $fontComputer[Are you there? I am waiting. I know you can see this. I hope you are well.]]](mouseover: "well.")[$slowDissolve[ Well...? How could I be? They didn’t make sense to me anymore, so I stayed there, unmoved by the pleas. [[Then my mind started wandering off, lost on a train of thought.->The Shadow]] ]] (set: $doubt to $doubt - 1)

(display: "test") $slowDissolve[I started remembering something,](click-replace: "something")[$slowDissolve[ I didn’t even know that I (text-style: "fade-in-out")[forgot]. I suppose my condition is a cause of that. I remembered Them. They were a friend, They were a lover but most of all They were everything I cared about.(mouseover-replace: "cared about.")[''used to care about.''] I am trying to reach something else, a higher existence. There shouldn’t be anything stopping me from achieving that. Not even Them, not even those who told me to come here in the first place.]](click: "in the first place.") [$slowDissolve[ They were (text-style: "smear")[shadowy figures] in my mind, three of them. I wasn’t sure where they came from but they came to me with a proposition.]](click: "proposition")[ $slowDissolve[The time was now. They needed someone to take up this journey. No one else wanted to, and no one else could, they told me. Were they observing me this whole time ? It seemed impossible, ridiculous that they would see me like this. I wasn’t anything exceptional, why would they take notice of me? It made me feel special, like a surprise birthday except I’m the only one there. [[I remember what they told me.->The Deal]] [[Except I wasn't the only one.->The Others]]]]

(display: "test") $slowDissolve[When I said that I was the first to go on this journey...(click-replace: "...")[, I partially lied.]](click: "I partially lied")[ $slowDissolve[You see, (text-style: "smear")[the three figures], I know now, had already sent other people here. Where are these people and why aren’t they with me? I don’t know. As far as I know, I’m the only one who’s really gone through with it.]](click: "who’s really gone through with it.")[ $slowDissolve[It’s scary, I understand why a lot would give it up. The pressure is too much, they go into (text-style: "blink")[hiding] and a little bit of time later they return to normal living. But then again, in this place I’m only conscious of myself and the (text-style: "superscript")[tiny screen.] [[The screen started filling up with messages.->The Doubt]]]] (set: $doubt to $doubt + 1)

(display: "test") $slowDissolve[(color: "grey")[//You’re going to do great things.//]](click: "great things.")[ $slowDissolve[(color: "brown")[//I know you are going to, I just wonder at how you’re going to pull this off.//]]](click: "pull this off.")[ $slowDissolve[(color: "purple")[//Is there even a reason to doubt him?//]]](click: "doubt him?")[ $slowDissolve[(color: "grey")[//Well, we have been preparing for this trip since a while. We have confidence that once he sees the plans, he will be with us.//]]](click: "he will be with us.")[ $slowDissolve[I started to feel a bit overwhelmed; a plan? Plans make me nervous, it’s hard to stick to even the best ones. [[The screen started filling up with messages.->The Doubt]]]] (set: $doubt to $doubt - 1)

(display: "test") $fontComputer[Are you still there? Hello? Answer me if you can. Please, I need you!](mouseover: "I need you!")[ $slowDissolve[As I observed the string of text prompting me to answer, I contemplated their urgency, their pleading, their need. It made no sense to me. I knew they had to make me feel those things yet here I was, emotionless. Despite this, I still owed Them some answers, I had been thinking for awhile now. In fact I didn’t know how long it had been between now and my last message. A few minutes?(click-replace: "A few minutes?")[An hour?](click-replace: "An hour?")[A week?](click-replace: "A week?")[Some months?](click-replace: "Some months?")[A year?]]](click: "A year?")[ $slowDissolve[I started to move to type but I couldn’t. For the first time I felt trapped in my own body, I couldn’t move it, I couldn’t do anything but watch as the messages passed me by. What am I doing? Who is this? I don’t recognize you. $fontDoubt[I need you.]]](mouseover: "I need you.")[ $slowDissolve[Nothing has ever prepared me for this. No amount of planning, thinking, living and experience has ever made me think that the dread I feel right now could exist. My stomach churns, I’m disgusted and horrified at the same time. The voice is not a voice, it’s speaking directly to my mind, seeping through it with every syllable. I feel cold.] $fontDoubt[Where are you?]](mouseover: "Where are you?")[ $slowDissolve[Where have I heard that before? My memory of them is slipping away, I need to hang onto it. Did I really make the right decision in coming here? Is it worth an eternity here, trapped with this… thing? It’s certainly familiar, I reacted to it immediately when I felt it so it must be something I know. My body knows it well, for it (text-style: "shudder")[trembles] at every word it says.]](click: "every word it says.")[ $slowDissolve[[[My mind feels like a dark abyss I’ll never get out of, there is no respite there.->Ending]]]]

(display: "test") (if: $doubt is 1 or 2 or 3)[$slowDissolve[I’ll have to take this thing head on.]](click: "head on.")[ $slowDissolve[$fontDoubt[Great things.]]](mouseover: "Great things.")[ $slowDissolve[Who are you?]](click: "Who are you?")[ $slowDissolve[$fontDoubt[Not anything special.]]](mouseover: "Not anything special.")[ $slowDissolve[I cannot stand being around you.]](click: "being around you.")[ $slowDissolve[$fontDoubt[Memory slips away.]]](mouseover: "Memory slips away.")[ $slowDissolve[Is this what I am now? A voyager in my own self? (text-style: "smear")[My eyes start to water.] I have regained one true feeling and that’s sadness. I can be sad forever now, perhaps.](click: "I can be sad forever now")[ $slowDissolve[$fontDoubt[Yes!]](mouseover: "Yes!")[$fontDoubt[ HA HA HA HA HA HA!]]]](mouseover: "HA HA HA HA HA HA!")[ $slowDissolve[$fontDoubt[Every one of it’s cackles start filling my head until it feels like splitting. My mind is breaking and I feel every instant of it with (text-style: "expand")[increasing intensity.] I turn and I see it, the source of the voice. The screen, my one attachment to the outside world is broadcasting this terrifying monster. I take the display and crush it with my very hands. Suddenly, the cry dies out, as I regain my body and my mind. I am at peace now. I lost it all, I am neither glad nor sad, for those ideas have left me long ago. I’ll never return from this place. I’ll never see them again.]]](click: "never see them again.")[ $slowDissolve[But at least my doubt is gone. ]] (else:)[$slowDissolve[I don’t know how to react.]](click: "I don’t know how to react.")[ $slowDissolve[(text-style: "rumble")[Catch up.]]](mouseover: "Catch up.")[ $slowDissolve[Where...]](click: "...")[ $slowDissolve[(text-style: "shudder")[Need to talk.]]](mouseover: "Need to talk.")[ $slowDissolve[Go... I start to scream but I have no mouth. (text-style: "blink")[My head is empty.]]](click: "My head is empty.")[ $slowDissolve[(text-style: "rumble")[Be with us.]]](mouseover: "Be with us.")[ $slowDissolve[I see the screen once more. But it isn’t as it once was, it’s shinning with an overwhelming brightness. The screen, it’s the voice. (text-style: "rumble")[Are you free?]]](mouseover:"Are you free?")[ $slowDissolve[I know now that it asks me to surrender to it and I do. My body rushes over with a feeling, a very familar one that I identify now: doubt. Doubt surronds me, it empasses my very existence. It was a mistake to come here.]](click: "It was a mistake to come here.")[ $slowDissolve[(text-style: "shudder")[I need you.]]](mouseover: "I need you.")[ $slowDissolve[The screen becomes bigger and bigger as I’m sucked into it. It’s everything, it’s everywhere. I am nothing compared to this great, imposing being. This shall be my existence now for They are everywhere, in every thought and every moment.]](click: "every moment.")[ $slowDissolve[(text-style: "rumble")[[[I’m forever.->I'm Forever]]]]]

(set: $slowDissolve to (transition: "dissolve") + (transition-time: 10s)) (set: $fontComputer to (font: "Courier New") + (background:"#002273") + (transition: "dissolve")) (set: $fontComputerPlayer to (font: "Courier New") + (background:"#002273") + (align: "==>") + (transition: "dissolve")) (set: $fontDoubt to (transition: "dissolve") + (background:"grey") + (text-style: "rumble"))

(display: "test") $slowDissolve[[[I'm forever.->I'm Forever]]]