soft aim

soft aim an on-going zine with no goal by hax(y) shannon VOL. II Circa 2018 "Getting Less Hard (But Not Any Easier)" [[a comforting thought for a younger me->YoungerMe]] [[listening to the same song on loop->OnLoop]] [[that's what they call fog->Fog]] VOL. I Circa 2016 "The Real Tough Time" [[doing the right thing but wrong->RightThing]] [[jacuzzi reflections->JacuzziRefections]] [[teen satanist->TeenSatanist]] [[2:43 am->TwoAM]] [[no such thing->NoSuchThing]] [[fire hazard homes->FireHazard]] [[spilling my guts->SpillGuts]] [[something i overheard someone say once->BadVoice]] [[body shot->BodyShot]] [[im sorry in a foreign language->Gomen]] [[untitled->Untitled]] [[your weakness->Weakness]] [[rec·on·cil·i·a·tion->Reconcile]] [[KQED knows the end is near->TheEnd]] [[trying not to overthink->OverThink]]

i remember my sister standing so earnestly gesticulating about an acquaintance's poor politics something about "just why can't she see that what she's doing is so harmful?" something like that, in a swimsuit, drying off after resting in the jacuzzi at the house i was staying at and taking care of an ornery parrot it was cute i loved the way you felt around in the murky water of the hot tub-sized bath looking for my nose ring that fell out while we were kissing i think about sights like that when you say things like "sometimes I don't feel fully human" and maybe you're not but it's okay because I read donna haraway's cyborg manifesto like a good budding third-wave feminist should when I was 19 or 20 in college and like, it's cool man. don't worry about it. jacuzzi reflections i guess on the porch at night-- it was cold the water was warm he was in the water too maybe attracted to my body that i wasn't very attracted to at the time what w all the internalized fat shame and it was before i started working out which has something to do with fat shame but maybe more to do with just a confidence of having a body, being in a body, at least i tell myself that i wanted him for at least a year? it was all a mistake, though the way he stopped replying to my texts like a bad, tragic teen film you watch in the summer if the monster would take anybody first it'd surely be me because of my outrageous libido and propensity to fuck guys who end up being kind of mean maybe it's to teach me a lesson that i didn't even really learn until i finally drove to someone's house in a bat onesie, actually, to lighten the mood and said "i'm not sleeping with you anymore" i still cried on the drive home because that shit is fucking hard and he looked sad, and his face crinkled up, like he might cry and that was hard still after all that i wonder if i've really let go of the toxicity in me and my tendency to be cruel to the people who are the kindest and patient for those who take too much and don't want to give anything back except when it's convenient for them i mentioned something like this to my therapist today, i was like "i wonder if i'm actually stable, or if this is all cyclical and it's going to happen again, and how i'm going to handle it" and she seemed unsure, too which was a bit of a let down but only a human reaction i guess idk what you're supposed to do in that kind of situation, i'm not a trained therapist [[return home->Main]]

the squeal of the computer fan sounds like birds. i lie in bed writing on my phone-- i turn on the twilight app because the white light hurts my eyes. that's better. "these thoughts that come as I fall asleep I've got to keep them," I think to myself. normally it's not worth the effort but it's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAioanQMG_A" target="_blank">2:34 AM</a> right now and it feels right. a vivid scene in my mind of getting vegan pizza and overpriced beer at the DNA lounge on a Tuesday or Thursday night. She leaned on my shoulder and sighed. he looked at us sideways. We laughed it off. We aren't friends anymore, we don't talk. it all just keeps coming out like the garbage in the river spirit in spirited away. where's my bitter medicine that'll let me cough up the slug. quick mouse, break the curse. good, great. Will I ever scream as loud as I did the night modern baseball player a cover of Mr. Brightside? the mid 2000s were too short. bring back web 1.0 and give me back my old neopets. i want to stay up late reassuring my pre-teen friends that their lives are worth it. we all talk suicide seamlessly between discussing pokemon or late night anime on adult swim. What was I doing 13 years ago at 2:34 AM? sometimes the me in text feels different than the me moving in my body and even the unarticulated me in my mind. this disjointed feeling contributes to my wacky gender, but i'm a boy. i'm too aloof to really care to look the part but suck my cock. it cost me about $180 and a generous tip to a friend of a friend tattoo artist. Sorry for recycling the rooster tattoo joke from earlier but I'm going to have it on me for the rest of my life. be ready or be sorry. haha, zzzzing. that's it, there's the title screen! [[return home->Main]] or [[previous page->TeenSatanist]]

looking back at all the useless things i've written and saved in my google docs account living with fossils of art and aspirations dedicated to saving a sense of myself i'm too insecure to share with anyone this is supposed to be political, i think "the personal is political" is a joke someone made at a show i went to last night my girlfriend framed in lights, playing guitar she's far away now (en route to Albuquerque, new mexico) a gap opened up in my chest at 1:00 AM when i realized i could be locked out of a place to sleep-- at least i keep a blanket in my car my friend opened up her home and my partner woke up to his phone in his hand, feeling bad, feeling trapped, in accidents and misfortune it's okay, my job is to be okay to whom it may concern, i don't want to work for you, but i need to eat and i need health insurance and i need a place to live this is the world you gave us? you should be ashamed. every time i read a headline that "millennials don't want to work" it's like, did anyone, ever? no such thing as ethical consumption under capitalism how did we get to the point where our nature to tend to each other became commercialized abolish this tattoo my fears to my body if i have to be here at least let me be myself and cut it the fuck out with the misgendering bullshit [[return home->Main]]

another loud voice screaming in a room with questionable industrial zoning you're upset when we die in fires but it's not like you let us live anywhere else our fire hazard homes are our safe spaces maybe it's because deep down you realize you're failures the lie is coming undone professionalism is a sanitized word that means white supremacist, racist, sexist and afraid of everything the block buster movies always taught us that the apocalypse would be bad "don't fight for this" honestly though it'd probably be way more chill than this fucking nightmare garbage world hormonal trainwreck i'm scared of scissors and stitches "i'll get a chest piece tat after i get surgery" i say to myself every time i look in the mirror an unmarked calendar date that seems like it'll never happen my therapist never calls me like they never existed in the first place i know they're selling their labor too but i need the help "at the margins" "at the edges" are phrases uttered which is sort of a joke if you think about it because all of this fucked up shit depends on exploitation i'm tired but determined to hold the hand of every crying queer lights dimly lit by a screen in the dark "social media causes social skills to deteriorate" they write about us, as we keep each other alive "okay, i'm sending it, that's enough" [[return home->Main]]

tipping the sharp point into my abdomen, pushing gently and letting the pressure build and burst into my bodily cavities. pulling it across my belly slowly, widening the opening and coaxing my insides to fall out onto the floor in front of you. i’m spilling my guts for you, bro. [[return home->Main]]

“I don't have a very good voice, but I have a lot of feelings.” [[return home->Main]]

did you feel out a rib or two before you struck? i didn't even know you had it in you. should I be mad? it's my fault I didn't see it coming. [[return home->Main]]

a mix CD you find in your bedroom you're cleaning because your parents want to get the place remodeled they use a special frequency of radio waves past midnight to evoke nostalgia and make you feel alive routine is a familiar friend and a struggle hallmark cards about trauma "you should make that!" you should make that you should make that... gomenasai [[return home->Main]]

i'm flickering, im flickering leave it alone turn me off i wish I could switch this universe over to another one where you never touched my body [[return home->Main]]

they say to never reveal your weakness and i didn't want to think they were right, but here i am. you can find mine on my side. a slight discoloration of the skin with no discernable shape. sometimes at the right time of day it does faintly glow-- my internet friend said it has to do with the alignment of the sun? Or something. i'm not really into astrology i don't even know my rising sign. [[return home->Main]]

their eyes were shining with spiritual realization. "i was never able to find closure with my grandfather when he was alive. but after he died i had a wonderful dream that he apologized to me. and i cried and cried and i forgave him." we were sitting on a stone picknick table on the campus of an art college that neither of us attended. the sun fell through the gaps of the weary eucalyptus trees. i use the word "weary" because trees in urban environments always seem tired, like they're constantly having to prove a point. i don't remember what i said in response to them, besides maybe a shy smile and a "that sounds lovely." i had just described the time my mother threatened to kill herself and myself by letting go of the wheel of the car on the freeway. she temporarily lost control of the car, but we didn't crash. i talked about how i felt like i would never be able to discuss that moment with my mother because of her history of denying the occurance of intense emotional moments. that's when they got excited about the idea of being able to have reconciliation with a person even if they are absent. "wherever your mom is in life right now, all of the demons consuming her, maybe she's not able to communicate with you about this. but you can still communicate with the parts of her that want to heal you and heal with you" they seemed very sure of this, and i found some comfort in that. we don't talk very much any more, but they were very knowledgable of rocks and minerals. i still have a stone that they gave me during finals week. it's supposed to help with concentation. just hold it under running water and then keep it close to your work place. i did that, not necessarily because i believed it was true, but because i do believe in the importance of ritual and having small a amount of faith in simple mechanical actions. [[return home->Main]]

We're sitting in traffic on the 80 south. KQED is running a donation drive. The prize is a 3 days worth of survival supplies. A sort of earthquake survival backpack. "shit man. It's like they know the end of the world is coming, too" "so what will you go to hell for?" "uhhh" "you know, since it's the end of days, and all that" "well, i'm real bad at managing stress. i take other people down with me" "pretty decent reason" "so did you hear that Pepe is offically recognized hate speech now?" "yeah man. silly stuff. did you hear about all the clowns coming out of the woods?" "no what the fuck" "yeah dude look it up" "jesus christ. it really is the end of times." [[return home->Main]]

i oscillate between irreverence and awe. “punch me in the jaw,” I tell you. you feint a jab because you don’t have the heart to follow through. “do it for real!” You laugh a single ‘hn’ and put on a song. i lie with my head hanging off the bed inhaling your smoke. you look like a superhero from this angle. i smile but keep the observation to myself for now. my cock rests gently on my leg. ink that’s been settling into my skin for a few years now. it’s a joke— just a tattoo of a rooster. i’m delusion and convince myself that i hear small pieces of you in the songs you like. i collect these and assemble them into some sort of shrine in my teenage closet. if we grew up in the 80’s i’d ask if you wanted to be my bicycle friend and ride to the comic shop together. When we’re older i’d admit that I’m hella gay for you and you’d hit me in the nose and then kiss my bloody lip. Really i’ve just re-watched the first episode of Stranger Things way too many goddamn times. profile view from the driver’s seat. 10 west. You lip-synch. you know that you only think you’re not talented at music because the whole world is set up against us. I think you’ve got all sorts of sounds and songs in you. Even if they lie dormant—and it’s fine to keep things to yourself. Productivity is the poison that late modernity uses to guilt us into hiding our passions. how far can you go? how wide can you open your mouth? how many demons will come out? how far can i go? how wide can i open my mouth? how many demons will come out? when i was 12 or 13 i checked out a book on wicca from the public library. i bought a cheap pentagram ring and told my internet friends i'm a satanist-- i worship nature. i recall a graphic scene from Where the Red Fern Grows-- the way it described the grit and pine needles in the innards of one of the disemboweled dogs, the way the protagonist gently cleaned them with warm soap water. That shit really fucking got through to me as a kid man. i will belabor everything and pick at emotional scabs until they scar. it's a bad habit. in recent years i've chilled out a lot more but the impulse flares up from time to time, like right now. still the secure footing i've got settles and steadies me. you mumble and i'm hard of hearing. you stumble but i'm good at steering. falling in the right direction is how you misquoted mr. robot but i like that a lot, stumbling is way overused as an evocative descriptor of movement. life is a lot more like falling anyway because you've really got nothing to do with it and it just happens to you. You’ll save the world one reference at a time. [[return home->Main]] or [[next page->TwoAM]]

if i could i would kiss you every place she hit you-- suspended in heavy silence my phone screen is sweaty with worry and bad habits "i'm sorry" i say to all the demons i can't control, "this sucks." my phone notifies me that my checking account balance is low which would be fine but i got two more medical bills in the mail the only thing i have energy for lately is not caring, and i'm scared to say "i'm cursed" out loud because that could make it real i'm scared to keep it to myself too for the same reason i'm not an expert in the dark arts sitting atop the last dinosaur do you remember the way the city looked shrouded in the early morning pastel smog? it could have been a dream or an anime arms holding tight around my waist on the back of a Vespa we were ready to open up portals to alternate dimensions after waking up from sleeping on a park bench i felt ready - grainy nudes-- so grainy they could be etched into the sand and washed away by the tide because i'm still not comfortable leaving a record behind driving my car full of needles "everything that heals, hurts" i say to no one "im sorry, im sorry, im sorry" i say to you [[return home ->Main]]

standing up on shaky legs it's nice to see you survived too I knew that because we were right we would be alright but that doesn't mean I didn't worry about you taking a deep breath in a room full of dogs I do my best to not let feeling good mean more than just feeling good but dang it feels great "I've been writing more lately" an imaginary phone call or letter to an old friend a text I don't send or forget to write but it still doesn't feel bad listening to an album she likes that I know she cries to it's important to hear what other people can hear or at least try [[return home->Main]]

i wish i could go back to every time when i felt small so i could say "look how bright you are, look how all the flowers turn towards you." [[return home->Main]]

thank god for meditation though i think i still need medication… sometimes at least things aren't great right now but one of these days i'll be saying, "remember that time in 2018 when i was smoking like 2-3 bowls of weed a day to cope with full-body, paralyzing anxiety" it'll come off charming, because it's a joke. i'm cute i'm good at that kind of thing. being cute holding my head in my hands looking down thinking about all the things i'm still not good at i'll come around though so this is what they call mindfulness… i think this while i think about the texture of my jeans and the sensation of sitting in a cold cabin in the mountains in the rain i'm not a fan honestly, i'd prefer if it was 90 degrees i'm good at this kind of thing. just dealing just enduring the moment okay well so i'm not always good at it but i've gotten better at least letting the same song wrap around my head like a scarf for the 100th time maybe. the 1000th i like songs that sound happy about sad things maybe that's one of the bonuses of being into pain any pain will do sometimes why do i do it? i wonder sometimes. listen to the same song on loop i mean. is it a coping mechanism? is it healthy? is it helpful? these thoughts exist in my mind even as i tap the replay button with resolve-fuck off! it's just the thing that feels good right now! so okay now re-read this part and imagine it's a conversation i'm having with myself that's how i manage, sometimes sometimes i start the song over again on loop before it finishes because i get anxious about the possibility i'll forget to start it over and it'll go on to the next song before i'm ready the good part about this hard part is that i've finally learned the lesson that everything is pretty much just constantly garbage and that's fine and i mean that in a much happier way than it sounds i'm just kind of in a Mood right now and i'm coming off disinterested and aloof and i do that sometimes too i guess it sucks and then it'll be fine and i'm going to keep listening to the same song for as long as i feel like it [[return home->Main]]

i ought to keep my head down "nothing is so urgent," i say it out loud "except maybe this" i think to myself head hazy like a cloud dragging its belly on the ground "and that's what we call fog, dear" [[return home->Main]]