<center>''My''
(text-colour:magenta)[ ''Brief'']
(text-colour:purple)[ ''Bisexual'']
(text-colour:navy)[ ''Bildungsroman'']
<img src="Media/spaceinvaders.jpg" width="400px">
(live: 1s)[
|delayed>[//...and the games that helped me along the way//.]
(change: ?delayed's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 30) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
]</center>
What is a [[bildungsroman]]?
How do I [[control]] this story?
[[Disclaimer]]
Let's [[begin]].
A bildungsroman is a coming of age story, typically covering the life of a character from adolecence to adulthood. Some mainstream examples of bildungsromans include Star Wars and Jane Eyre. The form is also popular in autobiographies and memoirs, like this one.
How do I [[control]] this story?
[[Disclaimer]]
Let's [[begin]].You can move back and forth through the story with the curvy arrows on the left side of the screen.
The > symbol in the upper left corner controls sound. You can increase or decrease the volume, or mute everything if you prefer. Not every page has music.
In each passage there will be words highlighed in blue, (cycling-link:"like this","you never know", "what secrets", "you might find"). Click on those for (link-reveal:"additional...")[ information].
The last word in each passage will also be clickable, taking you to the next page.
What is a [[bildungsroman]]?
[[Disclaimer]]
Let's [[begin]].(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I cried the day my best friend came out as gay.](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Not in the moment: the admission was no huge surprise, in hindsight, and the last thing Eric needed was a big burst of emotion from me. I was glad he trusted me with this secret—a little sad I was one of the last people he told, but, much later, I understood. The people closest to us are often the hardest to tell.](stop:)]
(live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[No, that day went all right. He introduced me to the guy he was (link-reveal:"seeing")[ (*not* a boyfriend, he made that clear)], and we wandered through Rundle Mall together. Piece by piece moments of our adolescence fell into place every few steps. Why he didn’t date anyone in high school, despite being popular with the girls. Why he had a giant Mr & Mrs Smith poster on his bedroom wall: a plausible reason to adorn his wall with Brad Pitt. Why he didn’t like me like [[that->passage02]]. ](stop:)]
The names in this memoir have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.
Mild content warning for unwanted sexual advances and alcoholism.
Stock images used from the following sources:
AlemCoksa. (2022, October 17). *Galaxy wedding sunset couple love*. Pixabay. https://pixabay.com/photos/galaxy-wedding-couple-sunset-love-7524804/
Cottonbro Studio. (2021, January 14). *Woman sitting near black and white striped wall*. Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-sitting-near-black-and-white-striped-wall-6492156/
Designecologist. (2019, May 19). *Photo of fireworks display*. Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-fireworks-display-2526105/
HolgersFotografie. (2015, January 11). *House architecture multicoloured*. Pixabay. https://pixabay.com/photos/house-architecture-multicoloured-595966/
MasterTux. (n.d.). *Video games 80s aliens*. Pixabay. https://pixabay.com/illustrations/background-video-game-80s-aliens-3311042/
All other images are my own.
Music is sampled from the respective games discussed, and belongs to the original rights holders. The Harlowe Audio Library was used for music controls. https://twinelab.net/harlowe-audio/#/
What is a [[bildungsroman]]?
How do I [[control]] this story?
Let's [[begin]].I was genuinely happy for Eric, so I was confused by the sudden rush of emotion I felt when I was safely home alone. He wasn’t the first gay person I’d met. Flinders Uni Hall had plenty of openly queer people I’d played Smash Brothers with or accompanied on pub crawls.
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[But this was different. I’d known Eric since we were in primary school. I was hit with an overwhelming wave of fear for him. The small coastal town we grew up in was not kind to those who were (link-reveal:"different.")[ I was spat (link-reveal:"on.")[ Called a (link-reveal:"dyke")[. The other girls flinched away as I walked past].]] When I was 11, an age when I was more concerned with beating my high scores than romance, my queerness had been decided by the other children, and I was ostracised as a result.](stop:)]
(live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Those childhood memories coursed through my brain over and over, a not-so-distant past at the ripe old age of 18. In 2005 gay marriage was a long way off, and outside of the university I never saw queer people. Hell, ‘gay’ was still a common slur for anything unpleasant. (seq-link:"What kind of life could he have?","How would people treat him?","[[Would he be harassed the same way I was->passage03]]?")] (stop:)]
<center>
<img src="Media/fireworks.jpg" width="400px"></center>
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Thankfully, my fears were unfounded. Eric didn’t take shit from anyone. Aside from a slightly awkward coming out to his (link-reveal:"parents")[ (are you *sure*? Really?)], he leapt out of the closet with ease. After the initial surprise, we were closer than ever. We spent New Year’s at the Mars Bar, a night so intensely colourful, sparkly, and sweaty that I still remember the cool rush of air as we ventured outside to watch the fireworks at midnight. Happily surrounded by drag queens and topless men covered in glitter, I congratulated myself on being such a good ally, thinking my journey with the LGBT community was [[done->passage04]]. ](stop:)]<center>
(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Oh dear.](stop:)]
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Poor baby gay.](stop:)]
(live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I knew [[nothing->passage05]].](stop:)]
</center><center>
(seq-link:"2005","2004","2003","2002","2001","[[1999->passage06]]")
</center>(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Looking back on my childhood, for a long time, I felt that the bullying I experienced was just a case of mistaken identity. Due to a hormonal imbalance I sprouted excess arm hair and a face full of acne seemingly overnight. I didn’t look like the other eleven-year-olds, so I was an easy target. ](stop:)]
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[And their accusations of gayness terrified me.](stop:)]
(live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I folded in on myself and hid any outward sign that might be perceived as queer. I threw out most of my clothes. I stared silently as my ugly denim hat fell into Sydney Harbor during a holiday. I started taking the birth control pill at 13 to treat my skin and hair (link-reveal:"issues")[ (never mind the nausea and mood swings the meds caused; being pretty was more important)]. I chose random male celebrities to have crushes on. I studied the ‘right’ way to behave with the intensity of David Attenborough describing a rare Amazonian bug. After school, I squirrelled myself away into the spare room with the with small CRT TV, and switched on my [[Nintendo 64->passage07]].](stop:)]
{
(track: 'zelda', 'loop', true)
(track: 'zelda', 'playwhenpossible')
}
|delayed>[The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time]
(change: ?delayed's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
|delayed2>[Zelda gave me a much-needed break from reality. No one in Hyrule cared what I looked like. No time to think about idiots from school when I was busy saving the world. I often reset the game back to the beginning when I got stuck. I really liked replaying the bit where Princess Ruto gives the player an engagement stone. That shy look she gives Link after hours of bossing him around echoed in my mind.]
(change: ?delayed2's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
[[2002->passage08]]
(masteraudio: 'stopall')
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My efforts to blend in paid off. By the age of 15, I effectively rendered myself invisible. However, moving to an all-girls boarding school required a whole new set of masking techniques. (cycling-link:"Don’t stare at anyone too much.","Wear some make-up but not too little, or you’ll look butch.","Don't wear too much makeup either.","Who exactly are you dressing up for?") Hugs lasted precisely 1.5 seconds. If you don’t make out with a guy at the inter-school dance, you’re frigid. I danced to Garbage’s *Androgyny* while obeying a strict set of rules for femininity.
](stop:)]
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[The place wasn’t all bad, however. I made a real friend, Sara, who loved books and video games as much as I did. She introduced me to *Chrono Trigger*, a time travelling RPG that was a wonderful window out of the miserable everyday existence at that school. We wrote fan fiction together, taking the characters on new [[adventures->passage09]].](stop:)]{
(track: 'chronotrigger', 'loop', true)
(track: 'chronotrigger', 'playwhenpossible')
}
|delayed>[FanFicton.net – Chrono Trigger (1995) – Romance/Drama – Ayla/Marle -R18+]
(change: ?delayed's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
|delayed2>[In the 10 minutes before lights out (strictly enforced by the dorm ‘Mum’), I scrolled furtively through the section of fanfiction.net that Sara and I laughed about, keeping my laptop screen dimmed as far as I could. The place where the perverts hung out. ]
(change: ?delayed2's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
(live: 4.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[|delayed3>[The dirty stories.]
(change: ?delayed3's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)](stop:)]
(live: 5.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[|delayed4>[It was more about curiosity than desire at this stage – I certainly wasn’t going to do anything with someone else in the room! But I wanted to know... how two girls could do things together. Contained in fan stories about my favourite characters, it felt safe to explore the idea. Ayla and Marle barely interact in the game, but here they had an epic love story that concluded with a lot of passion and a questionable understanding of anatomy.]
(change: ?delayed4's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)]
]
[[2002->passage10]](masteraudio: 'stopall')
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[A few months later, I had my first kiss at one of the interschool dances. Sara never went to those things; she thought they were idiotic.](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[While we were getting ready, surrounded by thick clouds of Impulse body spray that made me sneeze, my classmates asked if I would want to be kissed. I shyly admitted that I would, thinking they meant in general—one day, with someone I liked. Instead, when we arrived at the dance, the other girls disappeared into the crowd and produced a random guy from the other school. ](stop:)]
(live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Just for [[me->passage11]].](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[(text-style:"shudder")[I froze.]](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[He was good-looking enough, I suppose, but a lot older. (cycling-link:"He towered over me","I didn’t even know his name","They were all watching me"). I had no choice. I leaned forward slightly, and he latched onto my face, tongue thrashing in my mouth like an angry squid. It felt like an eternity had passed when I was finally released, but the same song was still playing—*Murder on the Dancefloor*. ](stop:)]
<center>
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[<img src="Media/womanspiral.jpg" width="400px">](stop:)]
</center>
(live: 2.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I hid in the bathroom for the rest of the event, my body shaking in sync with the blown-out [[speakers->passage12]]. ](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[That was the last straw. I had to go home. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents about the incident, but my explosive tears when they tried to drop me back at the dorm said it all.](stop:)]
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[The worst part was telling Sara I was leaving. I tried to explain that it wasn’t about her, but I didn’t have words for what had happened at the dance. She just sat with her back pressed against the wall and sobbed. ](stop:)]
(live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I don’t think she ever forgave [[me->passage13]].](stop:)]
{
(track: 'thesims', 'loop', true)
(track: 'thesims', 'playwhenpossible')
}
|delayed>[The Sims]
(change: ?delayed's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
|delayed2>[Back in my home town, I had a few weeks free before school resumed. With my sister off at boarding school and my parents working late, I often had the house to myself. The waves crashed outside as I booted up my secret save of The Sims, a dodgy burnt copy bought from a vendor in Bali. Hidden three folders deep was *the* save file, the one where my character was married to a woman and had a boyfriend on the side. Occasionally I would get them to (link-reveal:"‘woohoo’")[ (The Sims' term for sex, which was no more graphic than wriggling sheets and some laughter)], but most of the time, they lived ordinary simulated lives. They’d argue about dirty dishes, celebrate promotions, and hang out watching tv. If anyone was around, I’d quickly swap to my ‘acceptable’ file, which involved a heterosexual couple that enjoyed inviting people over and then drowning them in the pool. ]
(change: ?delayed2's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
[[2004->passage14]]
(masteraudio: 'stopall')
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I was nervous about returning to my old high school, but things had improved since my last time there. Most of my childhood antagonists had moved on to city schools or dropped out altogether. I became ‘one of the guys’, befriending a small group of male (link-reveal:"classmates.")[ And what’s more straight than having male friends?] I even developed an intense crush on one of them, a multi-year endeavour that thankfully never came to pass. The poor guy could never have lived up to what I thought he was.](stop:)]
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I reconnected with Eric, too, and we spent many happy hours in the art room while I tried to fix the wing on my clay dragon sculpture. These experiences further cemented in me the idea that I must be straight. Bisexuality was not a term I’d heard of at that point, and since I was attracted to a guy, I must be heterosexual, (link-reveal:"right?")[ Never mind how my face would burn when the cute girl from my Tang Soo Do class talked to [[me->passage15]].]](stop:)]
{
(track: 'larry', 'loop', true)
(track: 'larry', 'playwhenpossible')
}
|delayed>[Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards]
(change: ?delayed's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
|delayed2>[I found Leisure Suit Larry when sorting through my Dad’s old collection of floppy discs. It was an adventure game about trying to lose your virginity by the end of the night, with the finest pixelated nudity the 80s had to offer. The trickiest part was getting into the thing- the game enforced its 18+ rating by asking trivia only people older than that age would know, but of course, by 2004 that age gate was more like 35. I developed a cursory knowledge of 70s pop culture as a result. I enjoyed the feeling of romantic pursuit: The Sims characters were not hard to convince to form a relationship, whereas here, you really needed to earn the opportunity to see blurry nipples. The game didn’t judge the player for horny actions, either, except for comedic effect. ]
(change: ?delayed2's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
[[2005->passage16]](masteraudio: 'stopall')
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Shortly after my eighteenth birthday I returned to Adelaide to study at Flinders University. I was so (cycling-link:"scared","excited","overwhelmed","hopeful"). My time at boarding school had been awful, and the on-campus housing didn’t look that dissimilar.](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Thankfully, Flinders Uni Hall was an entirely different world. The other students were all so varied: different cultures, religions, and, yes, different sexualities. I saw same-sex couples holding hands, studying together, and going through relationship drama, just like everyone else. The first threads of my internalised biphobia began to unravel. People liked me for who I was. Being awkward and nerdy wasn’t just okay; it was the [[norm->passage17]].](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I also discovered alcohol, which dramatically changed my approach to social encounters. If I had *just* the right amount, I could reduce my anxiety without getting too drunk.
](stop:)]
<center>(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[<img src="Media/withdrink.jpeg" width="300px">](stop:)]</center>
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[[Perfect->passage18]].](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I quickly got into a relationship with a fellow student, my first real relationship. He was great, but I found navigating my feelings hard. I worried about (cycling-link:"being too clingy","not being attentive enough","how to kiss without running out of breath","what he really thought of me"). I was still attracted to women too, a feeling I didn’t dare speak aloud. I could already tell he didn’t like how I looked at girls. Did everyone feel this way about their female friends? What was appropriate? My strict rulebook from boarding school didn’t work [[anymore->passage19]].](stop:)]
<center>(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[And then Eric came [[out->passage20]].](stop:)]</center>
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[While it took me a while to realise it, Eric's coming out was the final piece of the puzzle. That huge rush of fear was not just for him, but for me too. The protective shell I’d built around myself was serving me no longer, but I was terrified of what life might look like on the other side. I was dating someone anyway, so what did my identity matter? But I was so tired of performing straightness, [[too->passage21]].](stop:)]{
(track: 'harvestmoon', 'loop', true)
(track: 'harvestmoon', 'playwhenpossible')
}
|delayed>[Harvest Moon DS]
(change: ?delayed's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
|delayed2>[I procrastinated on my assignments by maintaining a digital farm and wooing the local girls. I was immediately taken by Keira, a mysterious girl found sleeping deep within the mines. I kept a meticulous spreadsheet of her likes and dislikes. I could have Googled the answer, but that felt like a betrayal. I blushed when she accepted my blue feather, the Harvest Moon equivalent of an engagement ring.
What was wrong with me?]
(change: ?delayed2's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
[[2006->passage22]]
(masteraudio: 'stopall')
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My relationship became strained. My boyfriend had dropped out of university during his second year and was working overnight shifts at the local supermarket. He was none too happy when I’d turn up to his place half-drunk on days when he just wanted to (link-reveal:"rest.")
[ <p>Yeah, that whole drinking ‘just the right amount’ of alcohol to quell my anxiety thing was getting harder to (link-reveal:"achieve.")
[ <p>Eventually, I drank too much, I cheated, and he rightfully broke things [[off->passage23]].]] </p> ](stop:)]
|delayed>[I didn’t feel like playing anything...]
(change: ?delayed's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
[[2007->passage24]]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I spiralled further into self-destruction. I (cycling-link:"got a tattoo on a whim","went out every weekend","fell behind in class","cried in the shower"). I hated myself. I hated that I did that to him. I lived out every terrible bisexual stereotype. I hit on everyone in the bar, male or female. Thankfully no one took me up on that offer, or I believe I would have spiralled further.](stop:)]
<center>
(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[<img src="Media/tattoo.jpeg" width="300px">](stop:)]
</center>
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Things settled after a few months. I got extensions on my assignments and cut back on the drinking. Luckily, I still liked the tattoo. I snuck queer characters into stories, and my classmates didn’t mind. They were more concerned with my comma splices than my sapphic content. I don’t remember the exact moment I started calling myself bisexual, but it was during this time. I knew when I was ready to date again, it would be as [[myself->passage25]].](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Late in 2007, I made a profile on OkCupid looking for women. How my hands shook! How the English language failed me! How disappointing the results were! ](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Until then, my experience with other women had been limited to drunken make-outs at a (link-reveal:"bar")[ (it doesn’t count if you’ve had four Cruisers, after all)]. Online dating was a whole other ball game. Couples twice my age looking for a ‘unicorn’ (partner for a threesome), married women with a ‘pass’ from their partners to hook up with others, single women who had NO BISEXUALS!!! scrawled across their profiles. I had a few friendly chats with girls, but on the whole, the experience was disheartening. Apparently, the “no bisexual” thing is from a belief that we will cheat or eventually end up with a man. ](stop:)]
(live: 2.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[After all I had done, I couldn’t blame them for thinking we were trash. I contemplated going back in the [[closet->passage26]].](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[It was a relief, really, when my next boyfriend asked me out. I went to that party more interested in his female housemate, but I had a bad habit of developing feelings for straight women. As someone with terrible social skills, dating men was easier. Men *ask*. And I never wanted to approach someone that didn’t want to be approached. My new partner knew I was bisexual; my crush on his housemate wasn’t that subtle.](stop:)]
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Oops.](stop:)]
(live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We never really talked about my attraction to women; he usually changed the subject. But he didn’t have a problem with it either. Ultimately, after a year we decided we wanted different things from a relationship.
I was alone once [[more->passage27]].](stop:)]{
(track: 'masseffect', 'loop', true)
(track: 'masseffect', 'playwhenpossible')
}
|delayed>[Mass Effect]
(change: ?delayed's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
|delayed2>[Mass Effect was the first time I saw a bisexual character portrayed in a video game. Directly, no allegories, no shying away from the subject matter. She was Liara, an alien of the typical ‘sexy blue girl’ variety. Her species suffered from many of the same accusations as bisexuals do in the real world—slutty, indecisive, greedy—but she was a fully fleshed-out character who did not fall into stereotypes. Her bisexuality was just a part of who she was, not something included for titillation or drama.
I felt so seen.]
(change: ?delayed2's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
[[2009->passage28]]
(masteraudio: 'stopall')
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[2009 began with a wet thud. I dropped out of university at the end of 2008 and had no idea what to do with myself. I had a job at a video game store that I loved, but shifts were infrequent. Without uni, I was having difficulty meeting people and maintaining friendships. My grandmother had recently been diagnosed with dementia, and everything seemed terrible. I crashed at my uncle’s house while I figured out my next move. My family called his place ‘The House of Lost Souls’, for he took in so many of us over the years.](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[One day I had been house hunting with some friends, and we’d gotten some bad news: a place that looked perfect turned down our application. We had been planning to go to Glenelg to meet up with some friends at a university event, but we weren’t sure if we’d have the energy to go. After some deliberation, I half-heartedly got ready for a night out. It was a Flinders event for O’ Week, so there’d at least be some people there I would [[know->passage29]].](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I hopped off the bus and rubbed my shoulders, already regretting not bringing a jacket. A cool sea breeze prickled against my skin as I entered the bar. The place was a dive, as most pubs willing to host uni students are. It had magnificent views, though. I watched the waves swirl back and forth as I chatted with a friend from the Hall.](stop:)]
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Another bus must have pulled up as a bunch of students in identical shirts surged inside. One blue-shirted individual peeled away from the crowd and approached us.](stop:)]
(live: 2.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“Oh hey, this is my friend Davo.”](stop:)]
(live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[The man smiled and lifted his drink in [[greeting->passage30]].](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I’d always thought most romance stuff was bullshit. Like love at first sight, eyes meeting across a crowded room, all that nonsense. But the moment our eyes met, I felt inexplicably drawn to him. Like how *Sonic* is drawn to a ring or how *Frogger* must cross that busy road, I *needed* to get to know this guy better. ](stop:)]
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My usual nerves were gone.](stop:)]
(live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Of course, I drank too much (in my usual style) so my memories of that night are fragmented, but each little sliver shows me something I just [[*knew*->passage31]].](stop:)]
<center>(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[His million-watt smile.](stop:)]
(live: 2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[An excited babble about our shared favourite video games.](stop:)]
(live: 3.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Laughing off the awkwardness of our age (link-reveal:"difference")[ (My 22 years to his 18, a seemingly enormous gulf back then)].](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[A gentle kiss in such slow motion that one of us should have fallen over.](stop:)]
(live: 6.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I’d found him.](stop:)]
(live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[This was my [[person->passage32]].](stop:)]
</center>
<center><img src="Media/unilawn.jpg" width="400px"></center>
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I went back home with him, and the budding relationship was nearly ruined by a fire alarm at the Hall the following morning. We all gathered on the front lawn, heads throbbing. I was still dressed in club attire and smeared mascara.](stop:)]
(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“Amy, you don’t live here anymore!” My friends laughed.](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I could have melted into the ground. I felt like such a skank. But that magnetic pull to Davo was still there, more potent than any embarrassment. We made plans to go to the movies the next [[day->passage33]].](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[My usual tangle of anxiety returned the moment I got back home. What if he’s homophobic? Or biphobic? As much as I liked him, I wasn’t going back in the closet for anyone. But if I tell him, what if he’s like all those people on the dating sites? He probably already thinks (link-reveal:"I’m a slut.")[ Or will demand (link-reveal:"threesomes")[. Or will be scared I'll leave].]
(live: 1s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Every mistake I’d ever made swirled around in my head. But it had to be done. I had to tell [[him->passage34]].](stop:)]](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We stood in front of the cinema’s concession stand. I drew a deep breath. ](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“So, there’s something I want to tell you.”](stop:)]
(live: 2.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Davo looked over from juggling boxes of popcorn. “Sure, what’s up?”](stop:)]
(live: 3.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“I’m bisexual.” I looked away, tracing my eyes along the technicolour cinema carpet. There was a pause.](stop:)]
(live: 5.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“Cool, me too.”](stop:)]
(live: 6.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“What, really?”](stop:)]
(live: 7.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“Yeah. I don’t usually tell people, though. They can get really judgy.”](stop:)]
(live: 8.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“I know, [[right->passage34a]]!”](stop:)]
{
(track: 'dragonage', 'loop', true)
(track: 'dragonage', 'playwhenpossible')
}
|delayed>[Dragon Age: Origins]
(change: ?delayed's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
|delayed2>[On the odd evening Davo wasn’t around, I sunk a lot of time into Dragon Age. It was made by the same people as Mass Effect and had a similarly detailed relationship system. I was particularly taken by the female bard, [[who–->passage36]] ]
(change: ?delayed2's chars, via (t8n-delay: pos * 20) + (t8n: "instant"))(stop:)
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Davo plopped down on the couch beside me. ](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“Leliana, huh? I would have thought you would be more of a Morgana girl.”](stop:)]
(live: 2.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I sat up in shock. I’d been playing these games secretly for so long that I felt caught out. I felt the blood rush to my face.](stop:)]
(live: 3.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[But then, a breath. ](stop:)]
(live: 4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I smiled.](stop:)]
(live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[“You’re right, but Morgana’s straight! Just my luck.”](stop:)]
(live: 6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I didn’t have to hide [[anymore->passage37]].](stop:)]
(masteraudio: 'stopall')
<center>
<img src="Media/wedding.jpg" width="400px">
</center>
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Those happy months have stretched into happy years. We got married in 2014 and have been going strong ever since. That crazy new love energy wore off, but something better grew in its place, a deep bond that has remained unshaken even through the toughest hardships.
](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Some might wonder why now, as a married 36-year-old, I still identify as bisexual, especially since my experience with women is limited. I could ‘round up’ to straight, and no one would notice the difference. ](stop:)]
(live: 2.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Except [[me->passage38]]. ](stop:)]
(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[In a lifetime of reshaping myself to fit other people’s (link-reveal:"expectations")[ (and fucking up tremendously in the process)], it has been freeing to be out and proud. To recognise that there was never anything wrong with my desires. Living authentically is always worth it, no matter how messy the journey is. ](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I forever feel lucky to have found my player 2, who accepts me for exactly [[who I am->passage39]].](stop:)]
<center>References/Inspirations:</center>
Baccaris, G. (n.d.). *The twine grimoire, vol. 1.* Itch.io. https://gcbaccaris.itch.io/grimoire-one
Baccaris, G. (n.d.). *The twine grimoire, vo. 2.* Itch.io. https://gcbaccaris.itch.io/grimoire-two
Betts, J. (2020, June 19). *Famous bildungsroman examples and characteristics.* Your Dictionary.
https://www.yourdictionary.com/articles/examples-bildungsroman-charac
BioWare. (2007). *Mass effect (Xbox 360 version)* (video game). Microsoft Games Studios.
BioWare. (2009). Dragon age: Origins (Xbox 360 version) (videogame). Electronic Arts.
C0ntinuity. (2015, April). *Disabling back button?* Twine Forum. https://twinery.org/forum/discussion/2585/disabling-back-button
Cottonbro Studio. (2021, January 14). *Woman sitting near black and white striped wall.* Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-sitting-near-black-and-white-striped-wall-6492156/
Designecologist. (2019, May 19). *Photo of fireworks display*. Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-fireworks-display-2526105/
Harlowe Audio Library. (n.d). *What is HAL?* Harlowe Audio Library. https://twinelab.net/harlowe-audio/#/
Imania. (2002, August 8). *Cats, hair, and good evil wizards.* Fanfiction.net. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/899882/1/Cats-Hair-And- Good-Evil-Wizards
Image Color Picker. (n.d). *Color picker*. Image Color Picker. https://imagecolorpicker.com/color-code/19411f
JoonasV2li. (2022, November 30). *Using typewriter effect in harlowe 3.3.3?* Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/twinegames/comments/z80fjs/
using_typewriter_effect_in_harlowe_333/
Isak, N. (2023, April 26). *Memoir: Do I use their real names?* LAEWG. https://laeditorsandwritersgroup.com/memoir-do-i-use-their-real- names/
Idrellegames. (2022, January 5). *I’m having trouble finding anything to help but how do you go about putting pictures in your game on twine?* Tumblr. https://idrellegames.tumblr.com/post/672598937661816832/im- having-trouble-finding-anything-to-help-but
Kunsel. (2008, September 5). Keira (HMDS). *Harvest Moon Neoseeker Wiki*. https://harvestmoon.neoseeker.com/wiki/Keira_(HMDS)
Lowe, A. (n.d). *Leisure suit Larry 1 age questions*. Al Lowe’s Humor Site. https://allowe.com/games/larry/tips-manuals/lsl1-age-quiz.html
Marvellous Interactive. (2005). *Harvest Moon DS* (DS version) (video game). Marvellous Interactive; Natsume; Rising Star Games.
MasterTux. (n.d.). *Video games 80s aliens*. Pixabay. https://pixabay.com/illustrations/background-video-game-80s-aliens-3311042/
Maxis. (2000). *The Sims* (PC version) (video game). Electronic Arts.
Nintendo EAD. (1998). *The legend of Zelda: Ocarina of time (N64 version) (video game)*. Nintendo.
Osman, M. (2023, May 16). *The ultimate list of web-safe html and css fonts*. Hubspot. https://blog.hubspot.com/website/web-safe-html-css- fonts
SariaFan93. (2013, May 5). *The sims 1: Livin' large - Woohoo (Playing in bed)*. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQr_fZlz3p0
Sierra On-Line. (1987). *Leisure suit Larry in the land of the lounge lizards (PC version)* (video game). Sierra On-Line.
Snowdrop. (2017, October 31). *Display text if passage has been visited*. Twine Q&A. http://twinery.org/questions/2190/display-text-if-passage- has-been-visited
Square. (1995). *Chrono Trigger (SNES version)* "(video game). Square.
The Sims Wiki. (n.d.). *The Sims*. The Sims Wiki. https://sims.fandom.com/wiki/The_Sims
Twine Cookbook. (n.d.). *‘Typewriter effect’: Harlowe (v2.0)*. Twine Cookbook. https://twinery.org/cookbook/typewriter/harlowe/harlowe_typewriter.html
Twine Forum Discussions. (2014, February). *How to resize images? *Twine Forum Discussions. https://twinery.org/forum/discussion/1492/how-to- resize-images
W3 Schools. (n.d.). *CSS web-safe fonts.* W3 Schools. https://www.w3schools.com/cssref/css_websafe_fonts.php
Wikipedia. (2023, March 22). *List of top 25 singles for 2002 in Australia.* Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_top_25_singles_for_2002_in_Australia
Back to the [[beginning->Start]].<center><img src="Media/butterfly.jpeg" width="400px"></center>
<center>(text-style:"emboss","expand")[The End]</center>
[[References]]
Back to the [[Beginning->Start]]zelda: Media/Zelda.mp3
chronotrigger: Media/chronotrigger.mp3
thesims: Media/thesims.mp3
larry: Media/leisuresuitlarry.mp3
harvestmoon: Media/harvestmoon.mp3
masseffect: Media/masseffect.mp3
dragonage: Media/dragonage.mp3(live: 0.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[We went on a ramble about our past experiences. I felt so understood. He got it. He wasn’t just tolerant or sympathetic; he had been where I had been. It was so freeing. Later on, he admitted that one of our mutual friends had already told him about me. That was okay: it meant he felt safe to be open with me too.](stop:)]
(live: 1.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Over the next few months, we spent every spare moment together. I’d never clicked with someone so intensely, so [[effortlessly->passage35]]. ](stop:)]