Stream of Pretentiousness

{ (set: $flips to 0) (set: $rlday to '(colour: "red")[7/7/17]') (set: $rlday2 to '(colour: "red")[7/12/17]') (set: $nightEnding to 1) Welcome to the Stream of Pretentiousness (volume one). I wrote a new chapter every day for a month. } [[7/26/17 #2]] [[7/26/17 #1]] [[7/25/17]] [[7/24/17]] [[7/23/17]] [[7/22/17]] [[7/21/17: Thursday Night/Friday Morning]] [[7/20/17: The Inspiration Paradox]] [[7/19/17]] [[7/18/17: Mess]] [[7/17/17: Anxiety in the shower|7/17/17]] [[7/16/17]] [[7/15/17]] [[7/14/17]] [[7/13/17]] [[$rlday2|7/12/17]] [[7/11/17]] [[7/10/17]] [[7/9/17]] [[7/8/17]] [[$rlday|7/7/17]] [[7/6/17]] [[7/5/17]] [[7/4/17: Maybe someday you can play the rest]] [[7/3/17: Mission Stories #1]] [[7/2/17: Debts|7/1/17: Debts]] [[7/1/17: Girls' Night|7/1/17]] [[6/30/17: Anxiety|6/30/17]] [[6/29/17]] [[6/28/17|Intro]]

I could spend a long time [[debating it]], but I've lost too much time to creative perfectionism. It's time to [[make prolifically|starting]] again.

This stream of my pretentiousness won't be <html><a href="http://bojackhorseman.com/">Ibsen</a></html>. It'll be quick, raw, and I will keep writing it, even if I may [[make myself cringe]].

*I just don't debate it anymore, you know?*     —Donnie Darko

(display: 'starting') I want to be bold without hurting anyone. I know this ([[from experience]]) to be impossible. There are [[some things]] I can't get away with saying. Maybe [[someday]] we will trust each other with the most radical thoughts in my head.

I believe in radical honesty but there are stories I will not tell you.

*How can I put this? Imagine if the Holocaust happened every four years like the Olympics. I would rather that happened than your rock opera.*     —BoJack Horseman

I'll be here every day for a while. See you tomorrow.     —Nat, SLC, 6/28/17 [[Home.|TitleMenu]]

My favorite font is Cambria. There's a [[good enough]] [[starting]] point.

{ Checking the notebook for inspiration(if: $flips is 0)[[...]<Test|](else:)[...] (if: $flips is 0) [ (click: ?Test)[ [[flip]] ] ] (else:) [ flip ] }

{ (set: $flips to 1) (display: '6/29/17') } [[flip|flip2]]

[[Already]] going [[crazy]] trying to get this [[just right.]]

Day 2!

It feels like it's been half an hour.

Goddamn line breaks. [[(Descend into self-deprecation.)]]

[[...]]

That was fun for a few minutes. I have [[better things|TitleMenu]] to do, though.

(display: 'Image 3.1') [[Gasp.]]

(display: '6/30/17') [[Gag.]]

(display: 'Gasp.') [[Choke.]]

(display: 'Gag.') [[Drown.]]

(display: 'Image 3.1') [[Breathe in|3 Shift]] with anxiety.

(display: 'Image 3.2') [[Breathe out.]]

(display: 'Image 3.2') [[Peace.]]

(display: 'Breathe out.') [[Resolve.]]

(display: 'Peace.') [[Calm.]]

(display: 'Resolve.') [[Strength.]]

(display: 'Calm.') These are your nouns. They are always inside you, [[somewhere.]]

These are just your [[verbs|Breathe in]] right now.

Reach deeply and you will find them.     —Nat, SLC, 6/30/17 [[Back.|TitleMenu]]

{(set: $word to 'wise') (set: $clicks to 0) A {(display: "Campbell's Adjective")} old man once [[told me:]]}

"When you work with art, you get to spend [[every. single. day.]] in [[complete orgasmic pleasure.]]"

{(link: "attack")[ (set: $enemyhp to it - (random: $weapon - 2 , $weapon + 2)) (replace: ?hp)[$enemyhp] (replace: ?attack)[(display: "Attack Logic")] ]}

(set: $enemyhp to 100) |attack>[(display: "Attack Logic")] |hp>[$enemyhp]

{ (if: $clicks is 0)[ {(set: $word to 'wise') (set: $wordCount to 19)} ] [$word]<AdjectiveCycle|(click: ?AdjectiveCycle)[{ (set: $clicks to $clicks+1) (if: $clicks is 0)[ (set: $word to 'wise') ] (elseif: $clicks is 1)[ (set: $word to 'white') ] (elseif: $clicks is 2)[ (set: $word to 'sick') ] (elseif: $clicks is 3)[ (set: $word to 'loving') ] (elseif: $clicks is 4)[ (set: $word to 'passionate') ] (elseif: $clicks is 5)[ (set: $word to 'loud') ] (elseif: $clicks is 6)[ (set: $word to 'feminist') ] (elseif: $clicks is 7)[ (set: $word to 'meninist') ] (elseif: $clicks is 8)[ (set: $word to 'terrible') ] (elseif: $clicks is 9)[ (set: $word to 'squealing') ] (elseif: $clicks is 10)[ (set: $word to 'shouting') ] (elseif: $clicks is 11)[ (set: $word to 'rude') ] (elseif: $clicks is 12)[ (set: $word to 'self-obsessed') ] (elseif: $clicks is 13)[ (set: $word to 'beautiful') ] (elseif: $clicks is 14)[ (set: $word to 'mean') ] (elseif: $clicks is 15)[ (set: $word to 'strange') ] (elseif: $clicks is 16)[ (set: $word to 'cruel') ] (elseif: $clicks is 17)[ (set: $word to 'brilliant') ] (elseif: $clicks is 18)[ (set: $word to 'life-changing') ] (elseif: $clicks is 19)[ (set: $word to 'principled') ] (if: $clicks is $wordCount)[ (set: $clicks to -1) ] (replace: ?AdjectiveCycle)[(display: "Campbell's Adjective")] }] }

(set: $word to 'trans') (set: $clicks to 0) |AmTrans>[I] live with my parents. My cousin came over one night for [[girls' night]] with my mom. (click: ?AmTrans)[ (replace: 'live')[am [[trans]] and live] ]

They didn't know I was a girl—so I played things [[sneaky-like.]]

$word Is that the |rightWord>[(display: "right word?")] [[I shouldn't care anyway.|7/1/17]]

{(link: "right word?")[ (set: $oldword to $word) (set: $clicks to $clicks+1) (if: $clicks is 0)[ (set: $word to 'trans') ] (elseif: $clicks is 1)[ (set: $word to 'femme') ] (elseif: $clicks is 2)[ (set: $word to 'nonbinary') ] (elseif: $clicks is 3)[ (set: $word to 'queer') ] (elseif: $clicks is 4)[ (set: $word to 'genderfluid') (set: $clicks to -1) ] (replace: $oldword)[$word] (replace: ?rightWord)[(display: 'right word?')] ] }

(set: $used to 0) What would I say? "..." (live: 2500)[ (if: $used is 0)[ |FilmKnowledge>[Use film knowledge.] ] ] (click: ?FilmKnowledge)[ (replace: '...')[Let's have a girls' movie night! I know [[just which one.]]] (replace: 'Use film knowledge.')[] (set: $used to 1) ]

(set: $secret to 0) (set: $thoughtString to '*Trust me, I have an excellent memory for film.*') "*Fried Green Tomatoes.*" (live: 1000)["Is it the sad one where she gets cancer?"] (live: 2000)["Not at all! It's |revealSecretThought>[totally upbeat.]" (if: $secret is 1)[$thoughtString]|secretThought>[]] (live: 3000)["Sounds good, then."] (set: $watch to [[Watch the movie.]]) (live: 4000)[$watch] (click: ?revealSecretThought)[ (set: $secret to 1) (replace: ?secretThought)[$thoughtString] ]

<img src="Images/tom1.png"> <img src="Images/tom2.png"> <img src="Images/tom3.png"> (set: $sad to [[sad movie|sad movie.]]) (live: 1000)["Okay I guess it *is* a $sad."]

<img src="Images/tom4.png"> <img src="Images/tom5.png"> (set: $bad to [["My bad."]]) (live: 1000)[$bad]

<img src="Images/tom6.png"> They loved it anyway. —Nat, SLC, 7/1/17 [[Home.|TitleMenu]]

He was exaggerating, of course, but not by much.

I forgot this lesson for [[a year or so.]]

(display: 'complete orgasmic pleasure.') My classmates revile him now, for their own reasons. Maybe I would stand with them if I didn't [[owe him so much.]]

(display: 'a year or so.') When I remembered his lesson I was in New York's Museum of Modern Art feeling [[more euphoria than the past year combined.]] People can be many things to many people. I choose to remember [[his best lessons,]] and know that through all the rest, he was trying.

(I'm exaggerating, of course, but not by much.)

I'm setting myself free to spend [[every]]

(display: 'his best lessons,') [[single]]

(display: 'every') [[day]]

(display: 'single') in complete orgasmic pleasure. —Nat, SLC, 7/2/17 [[Home.|TitleMenu]]

Today's chapter is private. I based it on an email from a close friend in the Missionary Training Center. I might release it |someday>[some day] with her approval, but I don't think now is the time to ask. (click: ?someday)[ (replace: ?someday)[in two years or more] ]

I suppose you can see *[[part]]* of what I wrote yesterday.

One of my dad's best observations was how kids with a sense of humor were really wasted on Mormon families. Let me tell you what passed for a good joke in my childhood Sunday school: <u>|Unravel>[(colour: 'red')[Don't bother dating before you get back from your mission. You'll just be wasting] (colour: 'white')[money] (colour: 'red')[on another] (colour: 'white')[man's] (colour: 'gold')[wife.]]</u> |Observations>[(click: ?Unravel)[(click: ?Unravel)[(click: ?Unravel)[(click: ?Unravel)[(click: ?Unravel)[(replace: ?Observations)[always got a laugh] ]misogynistic ]heteronormative ]materialistic ]socially stunting]]

[[Wake up early]]—

—you've got to [[open the store]] today!

Not *that* early. Why is it you can never sleep in, again? [[This bed isn't nice enough for you?]]

I know, we can't blame ourself for [[these things.]] It would be nice to sleep in for once, though.

You're doing pretty good, too! For having just gone on such a [[big trip...]]

You talked with |clarify>[Jon] about the letdown of coming home with so much inspiration only to be back in your mundane existence. How could so much euphoria fall way to leave so much [[exhaustion?]] (click: ?clarify)[(replace: 'Jon')[Dr. Bone]]

"You had an amazing experience, but that was in a contrived situation. Life is different, and now it's time to meet that inspiration with hard work." How much of those words are his, and how many your own, it's hard to say. Thoughts blend together in the heat. —Nat, SLC, 7/6/17 [[Home.|TitleMenu]]

{ (set: $rlday to '(colour: "red")[red letter day,]') It's a [[$rlday]] if you haven't noticed. }

I came out today, (colour: 'red')[in style!] [[And hey, the new Spider-Man was good.]]

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">In today’s news, yes, I came out as trans, but HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW SPIDER-MAN? Oh my GAWD.</p>— Nat Quayle Nelson (@NatQuayleNelson) <a href="https://twitter.com/NatQuayleNelson/status/883546799897624576">July 8, 2017</a></blockquote> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script> (set: $empty to '') I got so caught up tweeting about it I |almost>[almost] missed my first daily update! (click: ?almost)[But if my first mistake was today of all days, |matter>[it wouldn't matter.]] (click: ?matter)[Not every day is a (colour: 'red')[red letter day.] —Nat, SLC, 7/7/17 ] [[Home|TitleMenu]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

I saw the coolest [[lightning]] today.

I would have taken a picture but [[the moment went too fast.]]

Living in the moment is never easy for me. Do I take a picture, do I etch it in my memory, do I pause and [[write it all]] while the inspiration flows?

Writing is not the same as living, most people think. I'm not sure. If the moment calls me to enshrine it, to create, do I not live more fully when I [[answer the call?]]

I'm sorry if I ever ignored you because I was writing, speaking, or creating something. Sometimes I live so much in my *own* moments, I miss *the* moment. To write is so selfish. —Nat, SLC, 7/8/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

Be careful when you set your [[Patreon goals.]]

"At this rate, it'll take [[ages]] before I reach any of these."

Then one day, you just might [[come out.]]

Who knew people like helping queer kids so much? The [[messages]], [[comments]], and [[pledges]] will [[come in droves.]]

|reveal>[From out queer friends:] (click: ?reveal)[*"It's inspiring. I am grateful for it."*] |reveal2>[From someone you haven't talked to in a long time for a reason:] (click: ?reveal2)[*"I just saw your Facebook post and I think it's fantastic! I'm reaching out to offer on behalf of me and my mom to help change your name and or gender legally if you would like that!"*]

|reveal3>[From people who actually [[get the pronouns right]], and it feels damn good:] (click: ?reveal3)[*"I am side-by-side with Nat wherever they may choose to go!"*]

[(live: 500)[$5]]<1| [(live: 1000)[$5]]<2| [(live: 1500)[$5]]<3| [(live: 2000)[$5]]<4| [(live: 2500)[$5]]<5| [(live: 3000)[$1]]<6| [(live: 3500)[$1]]<7| [(live: 4000)[$1]]<8| [(live: 4500)[$10]]<9| [(live: 5000)[$10]]<10| [(live: 5500)[$3]]<11| [(live: 6000)[$5]]<12| [(live: 6500)[$5]]<13| [(live: 7000)[$1]]<14| (live: 14500)[ [[THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH|come in droves.]] ] (live: 7500)[ (replace: ?1)[H] ] (live: 8000)[ (replace: ?2)[O] ] (live: 8500)[ (replace: ?3)[L] ] (live: 9000)[ (replace: ?4)[Y] ] (live: 9500)[ (replace: ?5)[S] ] (live: 10000)[ (replace: ?6)[H] ] (live: 10500)[ (replace: ?7)[I] ] (live: 11000)[ (replace: ?8)[T] ] (live: 11500)[ (replace: ?9)[T] ] (live: 12000)[ (replace: ?10)[H] ] (live: 12500)[ (replace: ?11)[A] ] (live: 13000)[ (replace: ?12)[N] ] (live: 13500)[ (replace: ?13)[K] ] (live: 14000)[ (replace: ?14)[S] ]

Yes it will be overwhelming. You will |curse>[curse yourself...] (click: ?curse)[ *This is all just white privilege in its purest form.* (live:1000)[*You commodified your own soul.*] (live:2000)[*Your work never could have earned this much support alone.*] (live:4000)[ [[Until you remember]]— ] ]

You said she or they, either or, but they feels much better quickly. You will need to make more of these announcements.

Art never stands for itself. You have to fight for your art, and take the opportunities you can get. It may be privilege, but you will keep fighting for everyone else. You're not the only one who deserves this, but you *do* deserve this. So what if you had to wave your pale arms and make [[a spectacle?]]

This was *by far* one of your better spectacles. Now get to work on the projects you promised those nice people. —Nat, SLC, 7/9/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

I'll never understand why we allow [[some things|some things2]] to exist.

Like [[Orson Scott Card]], the [[segregated bathrooms]] no one else seems to notice, or the [[Church of Scientology]],

I walk past one every day I go to work, and I think of this: <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr"><a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Scientology?src=hash">#Scientology</a> - Give back our families! We are counting the days!<br>cc <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/opscientology?src=hash">#opscientology</a> <a href="https://t.co/8pOVFHEAoq">pic.twitter.com/8pOVFHEAoq</a></p>— Dice シ (@DiceMore) <a href="https://twitter.com/DiceMore/status/855495755204747264">April 21, 2017</a></blockquote> <script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script> Are there not laws for these situations? Can a sci-fi author really sit down and *write* his own religion, and we're just okay with that? I'm not okay with that. Someone should make protest stickers for every window: [[Join our cult and leave your family for just $250,000!! Offer ends soon!!]]

<img src="Images/Gendered_Restrooms.jpg"> It's a goddamn TOILET, not a "men's room." This is not that difficult!

<img src="Images/scientology1.png"> <img src="Images/scientology2.png"> And the looks those people give you if you ever make [[eye contact]] through the glass.

So cold. —Nat, SLC, 7/10/17

Why was it so hard for me to [[go outside]] this morning?

Oh snap, I need to go get my free slurpee. —Nat, SLC, 7/11/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

I knew I needed to. I can almost never be creative without [[fresh air]] and the right amount of endorphins.

(set: $clicks to 0) It's harder to enjoy when you can feel (display: "who's watching whom?") Just [[getting out the door,]] even.

{ (if: $clicks is 0)[ { (set: $word to 'every stranger staring at you.') (set: $wordCount to 1)} ] [$word]<AdjectiveCycle|(click: ?AdjectiveCycle)[{ (set: $clicks to $clicks+1) (if: $clicks is 0)[ (set: $word to 'every stranger staring at you.') ] (elseif: $clicks is 1)[ (set: $word to 'you staring at yourself from the inside.') ] (if: $clicks is $wordCount)[ (set: $clicks to -1) ] (replace: ?AdjectiveCycle)[(display: "who's watching whom?")] }] }

I have to think of pushing past my overwhelming [[conniptions]] as an act of heroism. |skirt>[No pockets in this skirt—]|skirt2>[]|skirt3>[]|skirt4>[]|skirt5>[]|skirt6>[] |shoulders>[Baring these shoulders—]|shoulders2>[]|shoulders3>[]|shoulders4>[]|shoulders5>[] |change>[I could just change—]|change2>[] [[Once you do,]] { (click: ?skirt)[(replace: ?skirt2)[but I need my music to drown out what they must be saying—]] (click: ?skirt2)[(replace: ?skirt3)[it's too hot to wear a hoodie for the pockets—]] (click: ?skirt3)[(replace: ?skirt4)[I need a damn purse—]] (click: ?skirt4)[(replace: ?skirt5)[all I have is this shoulder bag—]] (click: ?skirt5)[(replace: ?skirt6)[it'll just have to work.]] (click: ?shoulders)[(replace: ?shoulders2)[I love my shoulders but it just feels so strange—]] (click: ?shoulders2)[(replace: ?shoulders3)[I used to hate shorts because I was so self-conscious of my legs—]] (click: ?shoulders3)[(replace: ?shoulders4)[long sleeves are my security blanket, but it's so hot—]] (click: ?shoulders4)[(replace: ?shoulders5)[there's no solution. Sometimes you just have to go with it. What can I tell you?]] (click: ?change)[(replace: ?change2)[but I thought I was past doing that for other people.]] }

A word I learned last month, and I wondered if it was ableist in some way, but when I'm describing my own monumental, depression-fueled fears, it feels accurate.

You'll hear a car honk (long) while driving past you, and isn't it selfish to assume it's all because of you, but there is nothing else around to be honking about. [[Ignore other people in the park.]]

Some of them might be friendly and say nice things—but that wouldn't make up for a single bad thing. Just a happy side-effect of unbalanced brain chemistry. [[What day is it, again?|7/11 Ending]]

All you're getting out of me today is one hyperlink: for you to send a message in defense of Net Neutrality. <a href="https://www.battleforthenet.com/" target="_blank">I'm not kidding.</a> Because without a free Internet, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be doing any of this.

[[Good night.]]

By just enough that I can get started. |smile>[<img src="Images/IMG_1451.PNG">] (click: ?smile)[(goto: "new day 2")] [[Come on in...|new day 2]]

(set: $hawksFeels to 0) Before I do, a |reminder>[reminder] to myself: (click: ?reminder)[ [[Night walks]] are lovely: the polar opposite of the Gauntlet that was [[7/11/17]]. An opportunity to not think, to just breathe without music or holding up my defenses.]

<img src="Images/IMG_1451.PNG"> Isn't this just lovely? There's something about images with cozy fires that makes me feel so [[safe and calm.|new day 3]] |click>[<img src="Images/IMG_0380.jpg">] (click: ?click)[(goto: 'new day 3')]

<img src="Images/IMG_0380.jpg"> Being with friends in perfect havens: a snowed-in yurt, or New Year's Eve at home just watching Yule Log videos on Netflix through the night like we're all gonna |click>[be here forever.] (click: ?click)[Can't we all just [[be here forever?|Good night.]]]

(display: '7/13/17') Typically used to say goodbye, but it *should* feel just as natural for a night-time [[greeting.]]

(display: 'Good night.') It's a [[new day]] and I'm eager to [[get things on with.]]

In an [[Art History class|7/1/17: Debts]] we studied *Night Halks* (to which my mind glides easily after exposure to fresh midnight air, and the simple fact that it rhymed). I raised my hand. "I want to talk about [[how the painting makes me feel.]]" (if: $hawksFeels is 1)[ They all laughed. The teacher said "NO! How you feel isn't worth shit unless you can explain how the art created them, and how they are universally present in the work." He will always look to eliminate subjectivity, a pursuit I don't believe in. That's why I only study art [[for myself.]] ]

[[ *—Like the time night games ended at 3 AM, and I biked to Wendy's but they were closed, so I biked to 7-Eleven, and ate taquitos outside feeling alone but <strong>complete</strong> in the cool summer air—*|Night walks]] (set: $hawksFeels to 1)

It's selfish, really. Isn't what 'pretentious' means? —Nat, SLC, 7/13/17 [[Home.|TitleMenu]]

I once |clicky>[wrote] on the margins of a standardized test: (click: ?clicky)[ *I'll write a haiku* *that [[no one will ever read|I will forget]]* *and [[I will forget]]* ]

I have never been too good at predicting the future. —Nat, SLC, 7/14/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

I get a lot of opportunities to scope out the |peek>[Church of Scientology.] (click: ?peek)[ <img src="Images/IMG_1470.JPG"> They have a freaking ALARM SYSTEM! On the outside to intimidate you! I get |spooky>[spooked.] (click: ?spooky)[ I only took one picture as I passed by. |yarr>[Didn't want to stick around the place.] (click: ?yarr)[ No other building with a see-through glass exterior has ever felt so private and |more>[terrible.] (click: ?more)[ It's a modern-day Cthulhu cult scarier than the [[actual modern-day Cthulhu cult.]] ] ] ] ]

<img src="Images/cthulhu.png"> I mean, I haven't really done the research on that one. It could be scarier if they subscribe to half the amount of white supremacy [[H.P. Lovecraft]] did.

We don't get a lot of Lovecraft in the used bookstore where I work, but we have plenty of L. Ron Hubbard: *More engaging fiction from the writer who brought you [[Scientology!]]*

(set: $clicks to 0) I want to make something clear: I don't pick on them out of protectiveness for any other (display: 'Religion/Cult?')

{ (if: $clicks is 0)[ {(set: $word to 'religion.') (set: $wordCount to 2)} ] [$word]<AdjectiveCycle|(click: ?AdjectiveCycle)[{ (set: $clicks to $clicks+1) (if: ($clicks % $wordCount) is 0)[ (set: $word to 'religion.') ] (else:)[ (set: $word to 'cult.') ] (replace: ?AdjectiveCycle)[(display: "Religion/Cult?")] (if: $clicks > 4)[ (goto: '7/15/17 end') ] }] }

I honestly can't wrap my head around any of them. —Nat, SLC, 7/15/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

Oh shit I have 20 minutes to [[write this.]]

Meta writing is lazy so it can't be about how I forgot to write today's chapter until [[20 minutes to midnight.]]

And I wouldn't have remembered if I hadn't stood in the kitchen berating myself for also forgetting dinner, slipping further back into [[last year's]] awfully unhealthy habits by way of pouring the day's fourth bowl of cereal.

I came home from school not working right anymore, like a machine left unmaintained because it couldn't stop for a single second. The only reminder to slow down having been my book bag's strangling grip on my chest as I walked to and from class—[[6/30/17]] as a warning of worse things to come. My doctor said I needed a [[hard reset.]]

I took notes on a paper still taped to the wall by my computer: *Sleep Appetite Social Routine (commitment to class) Spend time outside of Utah Job Trips. Look forward to things (+ make things to look forward to) Different styles of eggs (egg poacher) Balance Daily Workout* It really works—but you can [[never stop.]]

{(set: $words to '*BE FEARLESS, BE FREE*')}Beside the hardware manual for my existence floats a coloring book butterfly, not quite finished (which I've decided to take as symbolic) and the words: |clicky>[$words] (click: ?clicky)[ (goto: 'wordswords') ]

I am not giving up. —Nat, SLC, 7/16/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

{ (set: $breaths to 0) (set: $lastBreaths to -1) (set: $state to 'breathing') (live: 1000)[ |breathe>[ (display: 'showering/drowning')] (set: $lastBreaths to $breaths) ] }

{ (if: $breaths > 10)[(goto: 'beat anxiety attack')] (if: $breaths is $lastBreaths)[ (set: $state to 'drowning') (set: $breaths to 0) (set: $lastBreaths to 0) <br><br> i'mdrowningi'mdrowningi'mdrowningi'mdrowningi'mdrowning ] (else:)[ I'm showering. ] (click: ?breathe)[{ (set: $breaths to $breaths+1) (if: $state is 'breathing')[ (append: ?breathe)[ (display: 'showering/drowning')] (if: $breaths % 2 is 0)[ (append: ?breathe)[<br>] ] ] (else:)[ (replace: ?breathe)[(display: 'showering/drowning')] ] (set: $state to 'breathing') }] }

Oh god just have to focus on the moment —Nat, SLC, 7/17/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

Yesterday I made myself |retroactive>[a mocha and I |bump>[put it in the freezer.]] (click: ?bump)[ The freezer door bumped when I shut it, but the cup didn't fall over. |itsdone>[I forgot about it.] ](click: ?itsdone)[ Ten minutes later I |open>[opened the door.] ](click: ?open)[ (replace: ?retroactive)[an iced mocha.]A bit of espresso had slopped down the side. I wiped it off the inside of the freezer and [[sat at my desk.]] ]

I set the mocha on an orange sticky note to |absorb>[absorb the dripping.] (click: ?absorb)[ Sticky notes are not very absorbant. But the note *did* |stick>[stick to the cup] so when I took a sip, the words I'd written on it would loom large in my face. ](click: ?stick)[ Later I saw a weird orange-tinted liquid in a crescent on my desk. I [[licked it off.]] ]

It tasted more like paper than espresso. —Nat, SLC, 7/18/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

The last person to |switch>[break my heart] did a brutal [[fucking]] job of it. (click: ?switch)[(replace: ?switch)[break your heart] I figured you could probably say the same thing, so I said it for you. Was I right? ]

I wasn't going to use that word here out of respect for someone I love. Then she said it to me. The two are not the same person.

Life felt terrible today so I finished two amazing books instead: [[<img src="Images/authority.png">|authority]] [[<img src="Images/avatar.jpg">|avatar]] Both inspired/terrified me for different reasons...

*Where lies the strangling fruit that came from the hand of the sinner I shall bring forth the seeds of the dead...*

After reading the last page I silently screamed a stream of curses to an empty house. Having seen the innards of one of the most loving, soulful and wise stories of my childhood, I knew I had [[no more excuse]] not to tell one even better in my lifetime. And it scares the hell out of me.

It's a curse I internalized from my best art teacher. "When you study great art you get to see the complete function of every piece involved. Once you know *exactly* how your heroes did what they did, how can you explain yourself doing anything worse?" I wish it didn't make so much [[sense]] to me. Wish I could be satisfied with less.

In the moments I spent studying Avatar, I felt its entire soul and energy inside myself. Longing for friendship in a hostile world. Searching for balance in the midst of a never-ending storm. The mourning for a brave soldier. The terror of a true puppetmaster and the unwilling forgiveness of her prodigy with a chance at revenge. These things have been with me since I was a kid, gestating in my heart and mind. And I can't explain it, but they are growing into [[something much, much bigger.]]

(set: $clicksStuff to 0)(set: $clicksTime to 0)I can't imagine the (display: 'blood/sweat/tears/migraines/heartbreaks') and the (display: 'units of time') it will take to give birth to that creation. —Nat, SLC, 7/20/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

{ (if: $clicksStuff is 0)[ {(set: $word to 'blood')} ] [$word]<AdjectiveCycle| (click: ?AdjectiveCycle)[{ (set: $clicksStuff to $clicksStuff+1) (if: $clicksStuff is 1)[ (set: $word to 'sweat') ] (if: $clicksStuff is 2)[ (set: $word to 'tears') ] (if: $clicksStuff is 3)[ (set: $word to 'laughs') ] (if: $clicksStuff is 4)[ (set: $word to 'migraines') ] (if: $clicksStuff is 5)[ (set: $word to 'heartbreaks') ] (if: $clicksStuff is 6)[ (set: $word to 'lessons') ] (if: $clicksStuff is 7)[ (set: $word to 'meetings') ] (if: $clicksStuff is 8)[ (set: $word to 'damn hard work') ] (replace: ?AdjectiveCycle)[(display: "blood/sweat/tears/migraines/heartbreaks")] }] }

{ (if: $clicksTime is 0)[ {(set: $word to 'days')} ] [$word]<UnitCycle| (click: ?UnitCycle)[{ (set: $clicksTime to $clicksTime+1) (if: $clicksTime is 1)[ (set: $word to 'weeks') ] (if: $clicksTime is 2)[ (set: $word to 'months') ] (if: $clicksTime is 3)[ (set: $word to 'years') ] (if: $clicksTime is 4)[ (set: $word to 'decades') ] (if: $clicksTime is 5)[ (set: $word to 'lifetime') ] (replace: ?UnitCycle)[(display: "units of time")] }] }

How to begin this? |here>[(display: "Beginning " + (text: $nightEnding))] |no>[(display: "Not quite right")] [[Good enough.]]

I don't do drugs, so I do [[weirder things]] to cut loose at night.

It's too hot now to go aboveground in the daylight.

I promised myself I would go on more night walks.

Younger Nat would be terrified of the rules Present Nat breaks.

I made my phone remind me this at random intervals, and I live by it: *Be the person whose BoJack benders are just refusing to sleep and vehemently doing productive work that pushes the boundaries of your passionate soul.*

<img src="Images/latest-2.png" width="50%"> Nope, [[not like that—]]

—more like this: <img src="Images/latest-1.png" width="50%"> [[Anyway,|7/21/17: Thursday Night/Friday Morning]]

So I went to the park |hmm>[last night.] (click: ?hmm)[Okay fine it's only been an hour, but we have to draw the line somewhere. ]I did |hmm2>[two laps] (click: ?hmm2)[going the wrong way around], trespassed on a [[football field]], stopped to take [[one piss]], and admired [[a boutique across the street.]] [[And when the orange car crawled past going the other way...]]

{No, not quite right. (click: ?no)[ (set: $nightEnding to $nightEnding+1) (if: $nightEnding > 6)[ (set: $nightEnding to 1) ] (replace: ?here)[(display: "Beginning " + (text:$nightEnding))] (replace: ?no)[(display: "Not quite right")] ]}

I've done everything to get good sleep—without evening worrying about it—and still it hasn't worked, so screw it, I'm nocturnal now.

The women's room was |aw>[locked.] (click: ?aw)[The men's room, too. There was an open |eeee>[gender neutral bathroom—](click: ?eeee)[but an alarm went off when I opened that one. Sometimes the world is gleefully symbolic.]]

I realized— <img src="Images/IMG_1534.JPG" width="25%"> people might mind it *more* weird— <img src="Images/IMG_1535.JPG" width="25%"> not *less*— <img src="Images/IMG_1541.JPG" width="25%"> if they knew I was taking these pictures as |tellmemore>[research](click: ?tellmemore)[ for an autobiographical game about a genderfluid alien].

Sometimes I go places and do things because they are precisely the last places I would be and things I would do. Kicks me into a different headspace, like jogging the park in reverse or noticing the hidden details that only appear when you see your city at night.

And when the orange car crawled past going the other way, I actually tensed up. I had climbed fences to get where I was, so I gave them |click>[the benefit of the doubt...] (click: ?click)[...but they circled back around, this time going against the one-way traffic signs back towards me, at the same slow pace. I wondered briefly if I was in [[actual danger.]]]

A fun enough idea that I committed to it: stealing off into the trees and waiting, |ehhhh>[listening for pursuers...] (click: ?ehhhh)[At what age does hiding in a park at night become unacceptable? —Nat, SLC, 7/21/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]]

{(set: $word to 'trans') (set: $clicks to 0)}My poems usually come to me |reveal>[fully formed.] (click: ?reveal)[ Not to say perfect or polished or even well-written. Just that when I sit down with the energy, the first sentence or the big picture carries me all the way through until (I think) I've said everything I wanted to. I write the poem in |reveal2>[one sitting,] and edit later. (click: ?reveal2)[ Poems about being [[trans (?)|trans]] are [[so much harder.]] ] ]

Every thought is a fragile fragment barely surviving to emerge from the years and years of telling myself I was something else. My mind, body, and heart did not come to me fully formed. Neither did [[this poem.]]

*I want trans to mean something else* <hr> I want trans to mean I am more free, not less <hr> I want to be a woman without always having to be 100% sure I am, or what that means; I wish I didn't have to fight for something even when I'm not sure I want it just to have a piece of it in the moments when I absolutely know that I do; I wish every other person could have the same; <hr> No matter how much you love me unconditionally, you are going to cause me pain; I wish I could be this without hurting you too <hr> I wonder how many women have had to infibulate their old underwear to make panties <hr> I wish knowing myself was enough, that I didn't have to claw myself out of the same self-hating phobias as everyone else <hr> I wish I wish I wish <hr> But in the meantime, I fight. —Nat, SLC, 7/22/17

Some days nothing interesting happens and that's amazing. —Nat, SLC, 7/23/17

Today I'm [[mad as hell.]]

I was trying to catch up on Game of Thrones but I'm not anymore. Fuck that. [[Seriously, fuck that.]]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm done. I <a href="https://thinkprogress.org/what-that-game-of-thrones-scene-says-about-rape-culture-9b2a976247a" target="_blank">read the articles</a> back then and I knew this was coming, and for some reason I forgave. [[Fuck that.]]

There is something wrong, rotten, disgusting, evil at the heart of my country and for a long time, I was able to ignore it. Now I've <a href="http://www.indiewire.com/2016/08/take-my-wife-review-cameron-esposito-rhea-butcher-put-seeso-on-the-map-1201714908/" target="_blank">seen too much</a> to be okay with <a href="http://www.teenvogue.com/story/hbos-confederate-is-completely-unnecessary" target="_blank">white men writing about rape and slavery</a> like they're the ones fighting these things. I will not be watching Game of Thrones. I will not be watching Confederate. I will stop going quiet when I hear |clicky>[white people] double down on their ignorant bullshit. [[Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.]] (click: ?clicky)[(replace: ?clicky)[people like me]]

—Nat, SLC, 7/24/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

{ (set: $flagA to 0) (set: $flagB to 0) }I'm having my midsummer crisis, and it feels [[too late.]]

I should have started [[with a bucket list.]] [[What]] will I regret not doing when I'm back at school studying [[things with highly questionable utility to anyone?|7/1/17: Debts]]

Have I ever shown you my actual bucket list? That's something I only would if I really trusted you. Not because of what's written on it—nothing more embarassing than what you already know about me—but because it is sacred to me (along with [[at least one other document I can think of]]) because it saved my life. (set: $flagA to 1)

I am not referring to my "Patriarchal Blessing." I keep that in an envelope with other pieces of my past but it has yet to show relevance of any sort.

I'm making another false dichotomy here, a prison in black and white, for myself to feel shitty. I do that all the time. Whatever. Does wanting to help the world boil down to just inconveniencing people like it always happens on Enlightened? Why do I only watch depressing shows? [[This project is falling apart.]]

It's getting harder and harder to find what I have to say important. Has this been a slow progression of the last month or is it a random episode, the resurgence of my unfocused self-loathing discouragement? The simplest explanation (I hope) is that I just need [[a break,]] and the month is almost over, what better time for a break than 3 months after one was supposed to start?

(set: $link to '*There are more than two options!*')What's more self-indulgent: to think my writing is so important it needs constant exposure or the world will halt? Or to spend all day reading comic books in a room just uncomfortably warm enough I don't really feel energized by the "resting?" (live:3000)[ [[$link|hyeee]] ]

I still have to remind myself not to think like a bad choose-your-own-adventure book. —Nat, SLC, 7/25/17 [[Home|TitleMenu]]

It will either be that I didn't work enough or that I never relaxed. [[How can I avoid feeling terrible about one or the other?]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

It's been 29 days. Not quite a month, but there's no harm in ending early if the finale counts as two, right? If/when this game comes back I feel it [[needs to do more:]]

The bookstore |clicky>[flooded] last night. (click: ?clicky)[ Apparently there was a |ckick>[heavy] storm last night. I only remember light flashing through the window, but it's [[just a vague image,]] maybe a fake memory. (click: ?ckick)[ It hit every store in the area. The library closed. God, I hope those books are okay and they open again soon. (Part selfishly: I would hate to have to ever *buy* books.) ] ]

With time, the images of most memories turn vague. At least, stripped of |reveal>[the extraneous details.] But I know I won't forget the torrential storms of past pain the way I'll forget last night in a few days. [[Or will I?|7/14/17]] (click: ?reveal)[ My best theory for separating dream and reality is the extraneous details: click on the words here, and you will quickly reveal everything there is to find on the screen. |reveel>[Look closer] in real life, and you can always zoom in further, find more to see and to write, follow the connections from what you see and end somewhere different. (click: ?reveel)[ (The same is true of art. [[Is art the same as life?]]) ] ]

I would almost say they're one and the same, but that would feel too self-important. Art is not as important as artists think it is. I need to do more for the world. [[7/26/17 Part 2|7/26/17 #2]]

I've had fun, but we'd all get bored with the big & little moments of my life blown out of proportion and poeticized ad infinitum. I heard from a neuroscientist that it's better to distract and move on from one's feelings than to "process." Which am I doing right now? I wish I could have it both ways. [[Anyway,]]

**Stream of Pretentiousness is over for now. It will be continued in some form at some point in time...** Maybe. The biggest thing I've learned is **never promise anything.** *Especially* not more than I'm capable of. <img src="Images/File_000.jpeg" width="50%"> —Nat, SLC, 7/26/17