What If Murphy...

''(text-colour:#164398)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")+(text-style:"fade-in-out")[[I, don't know what to do now. ->Okay, I'll Tell You]]] I'm terrified. I just came up with this idea to journal all the shit that's happening to me right now. Maybe this'll somehow help me find a solution. Or maybe, someday, when I'm dead, "someone" will find this and read it. Read it just to hopefully understand a small part of my pain. But the problem is, "someone" won't understand. No one understands.''

''~~I don't know if I can even write this...~~ This is what happened: I was driving back home from college. In one of the streets, I saw a pedestrian in the sidewalk, going the same direction as me. I didn't see her face. But... She was an overweight woman. I couldn't stop staring at her. Not because of how she looked like or anything like that. But because of OCD. '' ''(text-colour:#164398)[[Harm OCD.->This is Harm OCD]]''

''I was staring at her because I was worried about running her over. That heavy thing I collided with was 100% a speed bump. But what if it wasn't a speed bump?!! What if it was her?!!! But if I had run her over, I would have heard a scream or something. I didn't hear anything. But maybe I did?!!! It was a very busy street, with a lot of noises. Maybe I missed the sound? But there were a lot of cars behind me. They would stop if they saw her on the road. No, no, no. (text-colour:#164398)+(text-style:"blink")[[[What if they don't see her and run over her again?!!!->What If I Don't Have OCD?]]]''

''Right now, I'm sitting in my car. I parked it in a parking lot. Remember, I'm writing this journal to find a solution. But I don't know where to start.'' <img src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/b0e6c7_c2958910a23b4c51af8e4e8368e18b1e~mv2.png" style="max-width: 100%;"> ''This is my brain with OCD controlling it. To me, OCD looks like a weird alien crab-like thing. My brain doesn't even look like a brain. It's got the same shape as that alien. But I'm using the same brain to write these things about it. So it probably works. Listen, this is going to sound contrary to what I just said: I know I have OCD. But I'm not sure if this is REALLY OCD. If it is, I have to prevent giving a response to it. I have to do ERP. But that's just for the situations where I'm 100% sure it's OCD. But what if this is not OCD? What if I don't have OCD? Fuck me!! Why am I asking these stupid questions in this messed up situation?! I don't know. I don't know. (text-colour:#164398)+(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=") [[I DON'T KNOW->All Available Options]]''

''I should write all the available options now. Anything I can do to get out of this situation. My options: (text-colour:#164398)[[1. Ignore these thoughts and go home.->Let Them Be (ERP)]] (text-colour:#164398)[[2. Go back to the street you saw her in to make sure she is alive.->Do the Compulsion]] (text-colour:#164398)[[3. Go to the nearest police station and report what happened.->Get Reassurance from the Police]] If I ignore them, I will suffer a lot. More than a lot. And it will take a long time for these thoughts to leave me alone. But it'll worth it. I know that. That's the only cure. The only way I can overcome OCD. But is it? If I go back... No. I won't do it. If I do that, OCD won't stop. It will expand. It will continue. I will experience more intense thoughts. And it will ask me to do more crazy things. BECAUSE IT IS HUNGRY. The third one is very risky. I don't know if I wanna do that. They won't understand. They will probably arrest me because they'll think I killed her. But maybe they'll understand. Maybe not. I don't know. None of these are good. I will //SUFFER// no matter which one I choose. //But I have to do something.// What should I do?'' <audio src="https://static.wixstatic.com/mp3/b0e6c7_d0c1a882d30941dbb397293e0e85b26a.wav" autoplay loop>

''I think I had passed her when the car collided with something heavy. It felt like a speed bump. '' <img src="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/b0e6c7_da4f103add9e481fbfedec884638af95~mv2.png" style="max-width: 100%;"> ''I looked at my rear mirror to see the pedestrian; but she wasn't there. I physically moved back. Nope. She wasn't there. (text-colour:#164398)[[I was horrified.->What If...]] ''

''Okay. I'm gonna let them be. I'm gonna do ERP. This is hard. But I can do it. Did I kill her? Maybe. Maybe not. I may never know for sure. But it's okay. It's okay. (text-style:"buoy")[(text-style:"expand")[It's okay.]] (text-style:"sway")[It's okay. ] (text-colour:#164398)+(text-style:"upside-down")[[[It's okay.-> I'm Going Home]]]''

''I can't believe this. I'm taking this to the next level. It's SO tragic now that I want to laugh. . . . I should check the GPS for the nearest police station. There's one near me. I'm, I I'm going there. While I'm intensely stressed. Deep inside OCD's ocean... My hands are (text-style:"tall","shudder")[shaking] I'm going there. I'm also taking this journal with me. Maybe I can (text-colour:#164398)[[write more there.->In the Police Station]]''

''You know what? I'm going back. Something in my head tells me that I shouldn't do this. This is literally feeding OCD. But I have to. It's hungry. If I don't do the compulsion, it will eat me alive. I'm doing it this time. But this will be (text-colour:#164398)[[MY LAST COMPULSION.->My Last Compulsion]]''

''I'm going home. I just remembered something. I'm thinking about it. It is a sad thing, but it makes me feel relaxed at the same time. I don't know why. I don't "want" to know why. It's about a girl. A girl in one of my classes. Today, I wanted to finally talk to her but, I couldn't. It doesn't matter now. Nothing matters. I turned on the ignition. It's raining. I'm hungry. I'm still full of doubt. I'm sad. I'm anxious. But I think, I'm strong. (text-colour:#164398)[[I'm going home.->The End Screen]]'' <audio src="https://static.wixstatic.com/mp3/b0e6c7_91bb6464a1694990829a8e949c98018c.mp3" autoplay loop>

''Okay. I'm in the street now. I just parked the car. But I don't see anyone here. I mean I see people, and cars, and everything. But I don't see police cars, ambulance, or a dead body. But what if I'm late? Maybe someone came and took her before I got here. I don't know. I don't know. I told you it won't stop. Now it wants me to investigate everywhere for a clue. It's not too late for going home. I can still stop this torture. What should I do now? (text-colour:#164398)[[1. Ignore the thoughts and go home.->Let Them Be (ERP)]] (text-colour:#164398)[[2. Investigate more. MAKE SURE SHE IS ALIVE.->Investigate More]]''

''No. This is not enough. I'm not gonna do half-assed work. I'm gonna exit the car and check the street INCH BY INCH. Just to see if I can find any traces of blood. Okay. I'm going now. I will write more (text-colour:#164398)[[when I'm back.->I'm Staying Here]]''

''I'm back. I checked everywhere I could. I'm drenched now. I couldn't stay outside anymore. It's raining. And it's getting heavier. I don't know the time. But the sky is dark. So, I probably wasted several hours. I don't feel good. I didn't have to do this. I wanna go home. (text-style:"shudder")[HOME ] (text-style:"rumble")[HoooMmmmee] But I can't. OCD won't let me. I won't be able to sleep tonight. What's the point of going home then? I'm staying here. In the car. Until I can be 100% sure. I know it's dumb. I don't feel alive. I'm dead. Dead from inside. Dead from inside and outside. I could stop it. I had the (text-style:"flat")[power]. But now, the anxiety has gotten so big and intense that I can't leave it here. i can't evden rwrite anumore mY HAndss arre shakinG im h ungry no food here i have NO money it's rainingg ouTside i'm falling asleep Sorry mom SoRry GoodBYE MoM (text-colour:#164398)[[goodbye->The End Screen]] '' <audio src="https://static.wixstatic.com/mp3/b0e6c7_eed51c35e77845e088bd6fc049c29b8a.wav" autoplay loop>

''I'm in there now. I don't know if bringing this journal was a good choice. What if they won't let me use it? What if they take it from me and read everything? Or worse, record them all?!! What if they do this before I even talk? Then they will think I'm definitely a murderer. (text-style:"rumble")[my hands are shaking] (text-style:"shudder")[(align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[sshHaKking]] I'm going to ask someone. There must be a desk somewhere. I've never been here before. I think I can keep the journal for now. But I don't think I can write while I'm talking to a police officer. I'll write more (text-colour:#164398)[[later.->Jail]]''

''OH my... I shouldn't have come here [i have to spend a few days or more in jail] They told me they have to investigate more. But they can't let me go. I told them that they would be aware if she was dead. But I couldn't convince them. I fucking hate this. OCD made me do all this. It has power over me. But in intense situations, the "real me" suddenly takes over. So, when I said she is not dead, OCD wasn't there. Now I have to wait until they call me. They will call me and then take me to my cell. My new room. wow i can't BELIEVE this is happening Before I go into my cell, I will hand this notebook to them. Because I don't have anything to lose now. Also, I don't wanna have this near me. I don't wanna have the option to look at these notes. To remember everything that happened with great details. But I probably won't have anything to do there. So this is not a good choice. I will be bored. I will think about everything that happened the entire time. With great details. But I don't wanna see this. This notebook is the symbol of... I HATE IT I will give it to them for sure They also said they will call my parents so they can ask them about me. That means my mom will probably read these notes. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I didn't kill anyone. But OCD killed me. When I say "I didn't kill anyone", I'm not 100% sure. OCD keeps whispering: "What if..." Sorry mom. I don't know if we ever see each other again. Say goodbye to everyone for me. To everyone who knows me; but doesn't know OCD. Goodbye mom. (text-colour:#164398)[[Goodbye.->The End Screen]]''

(text-style:"fidget")[<img src="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FtMhfW0WwAAUmZS?format=png&name=900x900" style="max-width: 100%;">] (text-style:"sway")[(align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[(text-style:"fidget")+(text-colour:#f1f3f5)[a game by Ali Saneei]]] (text-style:"blink")[(text-style:"fidget")+(text-colour:#f1f3f5)[music written and performed by Ali Saneei]] (text-style:"buoy")[ (text-style:"superscript")[(text-style:"fidget")+(text-colour:#f1f3f5)[This game uses the following sounds from Freesound. They were modified to suit the needs of the game:] (text-style:"superscript")[= (text-style:"fidget")+(text-colour:#f1f3f5)["Big rain drops (1).MP3" by macdaddyno1 (https://freesound.org/people/macdaddyno1/sounds/396484/), licensed under CC0 1.0.] (text-style:"fidget")+(text-colour:#f1f3f5)["Rain and Thunder 4" by FlatHill (https://freesound.org/people/FlatHill/sounds/237729/), licensed under CC0 1.0.] ]] <audio src="https://static.wixstatic.com/mp3/b0e6c7_d0c1a882d30941dbb397293e0e85b26a.wav" autoplay loop>