Everything will be ok
[[Everything Will Be Ok]]
[[No Not Everything Will Be Ok]]Hi,
My name is Breogan Hackett and I've never released a game about myself before. I make a lot of games and I want them to tell stories and normaly I think that my own stories anren't important enough to have games made about them. But I can prove those self doubts wrong. I'm making this small shitty twine game about myself. I'm doing it because it's probably one of my only worthwile options at this particular 2am.
I've just had a short Anxiety attack which ended in me repeating ' [[Everything Will Be Ok]] ' to myself over and over while the rain sounds I was playing on my phone scratched on nervously uninterupted by my thoughts beneath my pillow. Sure mostly everything probably will be okay, but that's hard to believe when I'm lying in bed worried about not sleeping until 4am again and wondering when I will actually talk to my family members or someone whos job it is to talk about these things with.
Sure you probably think I look at screens too much or I need to cut down on coffee, or maybe I need to actually try to sleep. I have tried all of these things and I have tried the exact opposite and none of this has ever worked or made a huge difference. My only hope with sleep is to stay up until I'm too tired not to sleep at roughly 4 am every night or earlier if I'm lucky. [[The Screens Help]]The screens help. Oh I'm so glad I have the screens. They provide me with a stream of streamed distractions. Video series of full games that I would love not to spoil and actually play myself and entire seasons of comedies flash by my eyes. Slowly but surely my brain starts to shut down and my eyelids begin to droop. Eventually I rotate my phone, horizontal to vertical. I press the house and then the clock and I tick the boxes for my alarms.
Alarm set for 4 hours time.
[[My Brain Hurts]]
[[Everything Will Be Ok]] It hurts to realise how ill prepared I'll be for tomorrow and I feel yet another pang of anxiety.
It was only about 2 maybe 3 months ago that I fully realised I suffer from anxiety, it probably should have been obvious. I mean I knew something was wrong and I had a feeling it wasn't primarily depression. I don't know how so much anxiety built up in me. I guess it started as just social anxiety being treated like a lesser person by kids in primary school and learning not to stand up for myself or my friends in secondary school. Learning only to avoid eye contact with these people who it seemed couldn't just try and see if I wanted to spend time with them or if I had any thoughts on what they were talking about.
God I feel like I'm veering dangerously close to self pity and just rambling on about myself. I guess that's what this is though. I need to talk about myself right now. I need to talk this through and I feel I need to make these weird thoughts public, if only so I can get likes or tweets empthising with me to keep my faith in my online friends. I mean it's also just so I have something to do while im not tired enough too. I guess maybe [[Everything Will Be Ok]] Or maybe [[Everything Won't Be Ok]] So maybe everything won't be ok.
Maybe it won't be ok until I can talk to someone abot this and sort all of this stuff in my brain out. What busines does a mass of densely folded flesh have in doubting itself. Then again what bsiness does it have in preventing itsself from many of the things it needs mosst to thrive. I like to think about how weird it is that a random series of a few different elements can do this stuff. It's like how specific minerals can be taught to display and help create these words.
I'm going to look back at these 742 words in a few years and cringe a lot but really this is an important step for me and provides a great deal of progress in ensuring that [[Everything Will Be Ok]]
Addendum 26 of December 2023: Years on I am reading these words and loving myself not cringing, I want to take that soft muddled 20 year old and hug them and tell them Everything is genuinely going to be fine and they should definitely quit their internship in their poison swamp of a work environment as soon as possible.