I Hate the Color White

I Hate the Color White [[Play]] { (track: 'music', 'loop', true) (track: 'music', 'playwhenpossible') }

"You have to be strong," the woman thought to herself. "If you aren't, your family is going to break down. //You'll// break down." Her heart though, was telling a different story. "If you go, you'll break down. Don't go." But she couldn't leave her family behind. So, she stepped out of the elevator and into the desolate hallway all the while ignoring the voice in her head pleading for her to stop. She looked over her shoulder, the elevator closing and moving up to find its next passenger. ''There was no going back. The only path is forward.'' [[Walk through the hallway]]

Anxiety was gnawing at the woman's heart, its tendrils snaking its up to her body rendering her unable to move. She didn't want to leave the safety of this rickety hospital elevator. If she did, she would only be left with one path forward: to the hospital room. She would be forced to confront the stuff of nightmares. Just the thought of it made her eyes water. But as her hazel eyes wandered from the elevator floor up to her mother's, she knew she had to go. ''She had to be strong for her family.'' So, with careful, tiny steps, the woman walked out of the elevator and into the desolate hallway. [[Walk through the hallway]]

The only signs of life in that hallway were the woman and her family. It was empty. It was dim. And worst of all, eerily quiet. It felt like a sign of things to come. The woman knew a hospital isn't the most jovial place in the world. It's a place where some miracles are performed, but most of the time, it's where soul-crushing pain is felt. The woman knew this, but for the first time in her life, she was experiencing that pain. The pain of potentially losing someone, and it was already killing her on the inside. She couldn't even fathom the idea of losing someone inside these walls. Although the path to the cardiac care unit seemed long, in reality it only took the family 20 seconds to reach the double doors. Peeking through the tiny windows, the CCU was dark and depressing. It looked like a ghost town. Was her father truly inside there? To find her answer, she needed to press the button to be let in. Only she can do it. Her mother and brother weren't going to do it. [[Press the button]]

Her hand pressed down on the cold, rectangular button. With a sudden ''THUNK'', the doors slowly opened. The family entered, though the woman tiptoed inside unsure if this is where they should be. Dark rooms and empty beds filled the lobby. She thought about the previous patients that were in those rooms and she couldn't help but wonder... "Were they discharged or..." She couldn't finish the thought, afraid of what her mind might picture if she were to. Thankfully, her mother nudged her and the three went forward in search of her father. Hopefully, his room was just as bright as he was before he came here. [[Journey to his room]]

Finally, the woman and her family arrived in his room. Her mother ushered her in so she could see her father. She stood frozen at the doorway, unable to move. Underneath the only light in the ''white'' room was her father, who laid still on the bed with tubes going down his throat. The woman wasn't terrified of much. She wasn't allowed to be. She needed to be strong. She was the child that her parents had so much faith in, so any faults like showing vulnerability were considered weak. "This... This isn't Dad." She thought. He had to be somewhere else. This //isn't// him. Her Dad was bright and boisterous as she was. He was the type who would always say "Good morning!" to her in a loud voice, even if it was 7 AM and everyone else in the house was sleeping. But not today. For the first time in a long time, he was silent. Her heart ached. Her mother grabbed her father's hand, squeezing it tightly. She motioned the woman over, asking her to do the same. [[Grab the father's hand]] [[Don't]]

She walked towards her dad, but stopped just short of the bed. She couldn't do it. She couldn't get any closer. She didn't want to touch him, not because she was repulsed by the idea, but because she knew he wouldn't squeeze her hand back. She loved hugging her father, and although she would never admit it, loved it when he messed up her hair or gave her a sudden kiss on the cheek. She couldn't bear the idea of him not responding to her. [[Run out of the room]]

"You have to be strong," she reminded herself. Yet, she stayed frozen in place, terrified of what's in front of her: Her despondent father connected to a multitude of machines. Her brother patted her on the back, but she couldn't feel his touch. As she stared more and more at her father, the less aware she came of the world around her, except for the increasingly loud beeping of his heart monitor which only became increasingly louder by the second. She can't be in this white room anymore. It was suffocating her. [[Run out of the room]]

"I...I can't do this." She mumbled. Before her mother or brother could say anything, she ran out of the room and back to the hallway where she knew she can be alone. As she ran, the beeping of the heart monitors didn't go away. The sound stayed imprinted in her mind, following her to the hallway. There, she found an uncomfortable-looking chair sitting near the entrance to the CCU. She sat in it and stared at the floor, her mind reeled from what she had just experienced. She needed to calm down. She could [[think of the happy times with her father]] and relish in the fact she knew he was going to be okay. That eventually, he was going to leave. She had to realize she was being selfish for being so sad when others who roamed through this hall weren't so lucky. But even with the reassurance that eventually with time, he'll be out of here, the tears she had fought back were rushing to the surface, [[waiting to be released.]]

"You need to be happy, you need to be ''strong''," she repeated to herself. But being happy wasn't easy. It never is, especially in a place like this. Especially when your loved one is unconscious and hooked up to so many machines. How could someone be happy? So, the woman thought of better times. Like when she was younger and she played baseball with her dad. He would throw the ball to her and she could run through the freshly cut grass in their backyard to catch it...with minimal success. She would throw it back and he would run and catch it successfully, even if it was a shitty throw. That thought led to their numerous outings at baseball games where they would yell at the bad calls or plays made by their team. The woman managed to let out a chuckle as she reminisced until... Her mind wandered and thought of less pleasant times. All the times she fought with her Dad, the numerous times they both called each other names that they've silently regretted but never apologized for. "What happens if he doesn't recover? If something goes horribly wrong and [[he...]]"

She wanted to be strong so badly. She didn't want to be weak. But... she hated being strong. She hated that she had to keep up a smile and act like nothing was wrong. So, she cried softly so as not bother the nurses or doctors behind the double doors. She didn't want the attention anyway, she just wanted this moment to herself. A moment where she can cry. So, she did. As ~~the woman~~ the girl cried, she could feel something release from within her. She felt lighter somehow. So, she kept crying and crying and crying until...there were no more tears left to shed. (align:"=><=")[(align:"<==")+(box:"=XX=")[''THE END'']]

"What happens if this is the last time I ever get to see him?" The woman asked herself. It was an irrational fear, she knew that, But her mind was welcoming all sorts of negativity right now to fuel her overwhelming anxiety. What happens if their fight from the previous day is the last thing he'll remember of her? The tears she had fought back were rushing to the surface, [[waiting to be released.]] "You need to be strong," the woman coached herself in hopes of making herself feel better. She wiped away the tears, but they were replaced not even a second later.

''"You shouldn't be here."'' That's what the woman thought when she walked into the hospital with her mother and brother. Against her better judgment, she went to the hospital as support for her family despite knowing what she was going to see. As she rode the elevator up to the cardiac care ward, her and her family stood in uneasy silence, the rattling of the elevator being their only reminder that this was in fact reality and not fiction. The elevator doors opened. Both the brother and mother walked out, clearly prepared for what's ahead. The woman... [[Walked out ->Walk out]] [[Stood there ->Stand there]]

music: https://soundimage.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/Drinking-Alone_Looping.mp3