childhood homes

(align:"<===")[(font: "monospace")+(textstyle:"fidget")+(css: "font-size: 250%;")[ [(text-style:"expand")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")+(css: "background-color:white;color:black;") [&ensp;&ensp;**CHILDHOOD HOMES**]]]] (font: "Courier New")+(textstyle:"fidget")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")+(css: "font-size: 160%;")[ (align:"==>")+(box:"=XXXX")[(text-style:"expand")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")[(AND WHY WE HATE THEM)]]] (align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 90%;")[(text-style:"expand")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")[--- by qrowscant | [[CLICK TO BEGIN->the beginning]]--- ]]]

(set: $therapy to(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======") [**03/20/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"**Dear Dad,**")[ &ensp;&ensp;I forgot how small the house is. In my mind it's an imposing, uncaring stain on the horizon, the source of night terrors, (link:"the reason I’m afraid of the dark.")[the reason I’m afraid of the dark— but seeing it now? It's a small, shitty thing with white walls and a gray roof. The lawn is slightly overgrown and the porch is uneven. (link-reveal:"A half-built fence cages in the surrounding property.")[ (color:"gray")[When I asked about it, you screamed at me for being disrespectful.] (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[&ensp;&ensp;The familiarity struck me as odd, but I dismissed it. Most of my life is a blur of faint after-images and strong emotions. I would recognize the house no matter its form because (link-reveal:"it is my house.")[ &ensp;&ensp;(link-reveal:"Was.")[ I don’t live there anymore. Who does, I wonder? There wasn’t a car in the driveway and the windows are dark, so I assume its new residents are out and about. [[What are are they like, I wonder?->whatishe]] ] ]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXX==="))(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(live: 1s)[(stop:)(link:"...")[Does it really matter what they're like? I don't want their (cycling-link:"sympathy", "friendship","empathy","pity","hatred"). (live: 6s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[I only need them to allow my (link-reveal:"intrusion.")[(text-color:"gray")[(Is it really intruding if the house was made for you?)] (live: 4s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[(link-reveal:"What do I say?")[ $therapy[Yes, hello, This was my home! (link-reveal:"Could I…")[ (link-reveal:"Take a look around?")[ (text-color:"gray")+(text-style:"fidget")[Relive days I cannot recall?](live: 2s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"Pay my respects?") [ (text-color:"gray")+(text-style:"fidget")[Pretend like it was good to me?] (live: 2s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"Burn it all down?") [ (text-color:"gray")+(text-style:"fidget")[So the ghost of myself can move on?] (live: 2s)[(stop:)(link:"⬎")[ No! You don’t understand! My father built this home with his own two hands. He called it (link-reveal:"'his second son.'")[(text-color:"gray")+(text-style:"fidget")[(Oh, how he loved to mock me!)](live: 4s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"Which is why…")[ (link-reveal:"The wiring often fails.")[ (text-color:"gray")+(text-style:"fidget")[He had poor circulation, you see.] (live: 2s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"The walls groan at night.")[ (text-color:"gray")+(text-style:"fidget")[He often babbled in his sleep.] (live: 2s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"The floors are cracked and rotting.")[ (text-color:"gray")+(text-style:"fidget")[Like an apple from its tree.] (live: 2s)[(stop:) (live: 2s)[(stop:)(link:"⬎")[Stupid, stupid, stupid. (live: 1s)[(stop:)(link:"⬎")[I’ll figure something out, Dad. (live: 2s)[(stop:)(live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[ Regards,(live: 2s)[(stop:) Lottie (live: 2s)[(stop:) [[⍌⍌⍌->condemnation]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(css: "border: 9px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")+(css: "border: 6px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")[**03/21/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"**Dear Dad,**")[ &ensp;&ensp;They condemned it a year after we left. (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[&ensp;&ensp;I stayed up late last night, combing through forums and legal documents and conspiracy theories, trying to figure out if there was any reasonable explanation as to why an abandoned house looks so(link-reveal:"...")[ (link-reveal:"lived in.")[ (link-reveal:"Am I hallucinating?")[ It's happened before, but never like this. (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[ &ensp;&ensp;It could be a matter of looking (link-reveal:"inside.")[ Realistically, there are probably squatters keeping it clean or teenagers using it as a hideout, or(link-reveal:"...")[ (link-reveal:"I don't know.")[ I don’t care the reason so long as (link-reveal:"there is one.")[ *I need there to be a reason.* (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[ &ensp;&ensp;I wonder if the door is still unlocked. That’s how she left it, [[remember->unlock]]? ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")+(css: "border: 6px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")[**03/23/2020**] (align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")+(css: "border: 5px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;")[(live: 1s)[(stop:)(link:"**OBSERVATIONS, PART I**")[A REMINDER OF WHY WE LEFT. <img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/living.png"> (live: 2s)[(stop:)(link:"...")[The living room couches are torn up. There are (link-reveal:"holes in the drywall.")[(link-reveal:" Cracks along the floor.")[ (link-reveal:"The stench of liquor and smoke and freshly spoiled food.")[(link-reveal:" The mattress.")[ (live: 2s)[(stop:)(link:"...")[(live: 3s)[(stop:) Right. The mattress. (link-reveal:"That's where Mom slept.")[ It's pushed next to a fireplace we never lit, beneath a ceiling that started sagging a year after we moved in. He meant to fix it within the month. (link:"...")[[[History repeats and nothing changes.->instead]]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")+(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ [<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/ceiling.png"> [<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/ceiling2.png"> [<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/ceiling3.png"> (text-color:"gray")[ (link-reveal:"...")[ (text-color:"gray")[Dad liked to (link-reveal:"say,")[ (font:"Tahoma")["In this house, you are never alone."] (live: 2s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"...")[ (text-color:"red")[[[I thought he was trying to comfort me.->notagain]]]] ]]]]]]]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")+(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (set: $wikiText to (font:"Sans Serif")+(css: "background-color:white;color:black;")) ''03/23/2020''(live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"**THE RAT KING**")[(align:"=><=")+(box:"==XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[ <img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/ratking.png">] =|= (link:"1.")[$wikiText[1. "''A rat king is a collection of rats whose tails are intertwined and bound together in some way. This may be a result of'' [''an entangling material like hair, a sticky substance such as sap or gum, or the tails being tied together''."]<ta|] (click:?ta)[ (text-color:"#6E6E6E")[It's more than just the living room.]]] =|= (link:"2.")[$wikiText[2. "''In this particular instance, the [rodents]<ro| became trapped in their'' [''mother's nest'']<ne| ''after their tails worked themselves into a'' [''giant knot'']<kn|."](click:?ro)[ (text-color:"#6E6E6E")[The entire house looks the same. I swear to God it does.]](click:?ne)[ (text-color:"#6E6E6E")[How?]](click:?kn)[ (text-color:"#6E6E6E")[Has it forgotten?]]] =|= (link:"3.")[$wikiText[3. "''Rats stuck together'' [''do not survive long'']<sv|. ''They are in agony and distress until they either'' [''separate'']<sp|'' or ''[''die'']<di|."] (click:?sv)[ (text-color:"#6E6E6E")[The living room, the bathroom, the kitchen...]](click:?sp)[ (text-color:"#6E6E6E")[The hallways, the dining room, the garage...]] (click:?di)[ (text-color:"#6E6E6E")[Even my room. [But...]<li|]]] (live: 4s)[(stop:) |==| ]] (click:?li)[[[The master bedroom is locked.->explore1]] ]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "monospace")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[[ (set: $wikiText to (font:"Courier New")+(css: "background-color:white;color:black;")) *03/25/2020*(live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"**THE GORDIAN KNOT**")[[ (live:0.5s)+(font:"Sans Serif")+(text-color:"#1C1C1C")+(text-style:"expand")[(either:"I commend you, my dearest, to Almighty God, and entrust you to your Creator.","May you return to him who formed you from the dust of the earth.","Blessed are the sorrowful; they shall be consoled.","Bitterness, false guilt, and regret take root in your heart.","Do not let our dearest be parted from you","You willingly gave yourself up to death.", "You will dwell in the house forever.")] (live:1s)[(stop:) &ensp;&ensp;<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/knot.png"> =|= (link:"1.")[$wikiText[1. "''A Gordian Knot is made up of several knots so tightly entangled that it is impossible to untie. It is commonly used to describe a'' [''complex or unsolvable problem.'']<prob|"] (text-color:"#ABABAB")+(font:"monospace")[(click:?prob)[You can hear me, can't you? I knew it was you from the moment you opened my door. ]] ] =|= (link:"2.")[$wikiText[2. "''In 333 BC Alexander was challenged to untie the knot. Instead of untangling it laboriously as expected, he dramatically cut through it with his sword, thus exercising another form of ''[''mental genius.'']<cut|"] (text-color:"#6E6E6E")+(font:"monospace")[(click:?cut)[There have been others, of course. But they were never right for me.]]] =|= (link:"3.")[$wikiText[3. "[''The knot is tied by forming a turn in the end of a rope, and then passing a bight in the standing part through.'']<knot|" ] (text-color:"#3D3D3D")+(font:"monospace")[[(click:?knot)[I watched it happen, you know. (live: 3s)[(stop:) I never understood why he did it. (live: 6s)[(stop:) What did we do wrong? (live: 4s)[(stop:) Please say something. (live: 3s)[(stop:) Please. (live: 3s)[(stop:) (font:"Courier New")[I need to get out of this house.]<out| ]]] |==| ]]]]] (click:?out)[(text-color:"red")+(font:"monospace")[[When has that ever been your choice? ->anatomy5]]] ]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"===============XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX============") [**03/28/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"**Dear Dad,**")[ &ensp;&ensp;I wasn't sure how to start this letter. (link:"It's been a few days.")[ (link-reveal:"I'm still trapped.")[ I don't feel hungry or thirsty, which is... (cycling-link:"reassuring","horrifying"). I've mostly been laying on (link-reveal:"Mom's mattress.")[ The dark doesn't feel as suffocating when (link:"I'm curled in on myself.")[I pretend my eyes are [closed]<think|.] (click:?think)[ Regards,(live: 2s)[(stop:) Lottie (live: 2s)[(stop:) [[⍌⍌⍌->fin2]]]] ]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")+(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[''05/14/2005''(live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"**WILDLIFE SAFETY TIPS**")[ <img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/buffylow.png"> (align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(live: 1s)[(stop:)(link:"1.")[(link:"^^1.^^ Avoid eye-contact. Keep your distance. Do not provoke. Do not disagree. Do not breathe, do not cry, do not give it a reason.")[(link:"^^1.^^ The 'reason' will change. Your job is to figure out how.")[ (css: "background-color:white;color:black;")[^^1.^^ The bottom line: Animals want to be left alone] (live: 1s)[(stop:)(link:"2.")[(link:"^^2.^^ You are its child. This will not save you.")[(css: "background-color:white;color:black;")[^^2.^^ Filial cannibalism occurs when an adult individual of a species consumes all or part of the young of its own species or immediate offspring. Exact evolutionary purpose of this practice is unclear.] (live: 2s)[(stop:)(link:"3.")[(link:"^^3.^^ It is accepted that some animals are capable of grief.")[(link:"^^3.^^ He was one of those.")[(link:"^^3.^^ Not for you. Never for you.")[ (css: "background-color:white;color:black;")[^^3.^^ "...and with her gone, life was hollow and meaningless...”][ (live: 5s)[(stop:) (align:"=><=")[[Nobody cares about the living.->rotten]]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")+(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"So we learned to live with it.")[ (link-reveal:"We learned to ignore it.")[ (link-reveal:"Even as the drooping tiles began to")[ [(link-reveal:"**s p l i t**")[(text-color:"#ABABAB")[ (text-style:"fidget")+(text-rotate-x:-40)+(link-reveal:"revealing the void")[(text-color:"#6E6E6E")[ (link-reveal:"of an attic")[(text-color:"#3D3D3D")[ (link-reveal:"we did not have.")[ (text-rotate-x:0)+(text-color:"red")[[[Do you remember why it scared you?->THE PITCH BLACK VOID]]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======") [**03/16/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"**Dear Dad,**")[ &ensp;&ensp;I wasn’t sure how to start this letter, but I realized it doesn't matter. You'll still find something to get mad over. (text-color:"gray")+(font:"Tahoma")[“Fifteen years of silence for what?”] I can hear you demanding. (text-color:"gray")+(font:"Tahoma")[“A letter? Who even writes letters anymore!?”] Well, dad, I don’t know your email. Or your phone number. Or anything beyond your address because it used to be mine. (live: 4s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[&ensp;&ensp;This isn’t even the first letter I've written to you. I’ve got dozens under my bed. Now, before you call me every name under the sun, hear me out. It's an idea from a friend. And *he* stole it from a therapist, so it must be worth something. (link-reveal:"The method is simple:")[ (link:"1.")[$therapy[^^1.^^ Write down your unfiltered stream of consciousness. For bonus points, make it into (link-replace:"a list")[(text-color:"gray")[an easily digestable] list (text-color:"gray")[of what's wrong with you]].](live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"2.")[$therapy[^^2.^^ Fold the letter nice and neat. Seal it in an envelope and stamp it. Address it as you would a normal letter.](live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"2.")[$therapy[ ^^3.^^ Hide it somewhere you'll forget about. Let it sit and rot until (link-reveal:"it")[ (text-color:"gray")[(and your terrible, terrible thoughts)]] wastes away into nothing. Let it be an ending. Let it bring you [[closure.->next]]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"'Closure.'")[ &ensp;&ensp;What a joke. It's a temporary relief. Deceptive. Like the ocean receding before some (link-reveal:"world-shattering tsunami.")[ For a moment, (link-reveal:"all is still.")[ For a moment, (link-reveal:"my head is clear and my shoulders don’t sag.")[ &ensp;&ensp;But the moment (link-reveal:"passes.")[ My thoughts to crash into shore, sweeping away walls, unearthing what is better left (link-reveal:"buried.")[ Decaying bodies brought to life by my own obsession. (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[&ensp;&ensp;(link-reveal:"It's never enough to deter me.")[ Isn’t that fucked? Am I delusional, hoping one day I’ll write a letter good enough to (link-reveal:"make me forget?")[ Because that's the goal, (link-reveal:"isn't it?")[ Who cares how much of myself I ruin if it means (link-reveal:"cutting you out?")[ (live: 3s)[(stop:) (align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======") [**03/16/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"**Dear Dad,**")[ &ensp;&ensp; If you're reading (link-reveal:"this")[ (text-color:"gray")[(which you aren't)]], I wanted you to know I'm visiting soon. Just in time for your anniversary. (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[ Regards,(live: 2s)[(stop:) Lottie (live: 2s)[(stop:) [[⍌⍌⍌->approach]]]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXX==="))(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "monospace")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(text-color:"gray")[ (live: 2s)[(stop:) A house cannot survive without (link:"its")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[its]] occupants. Left alone, the house will fracture into a twisted imitation of what it (link:"s")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[s]](text-style:"expand")[hould be— rotting like] any (link:"o")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[o]]ther carcass left for nature. Its wires will falter, its water will slow to a drip as its pipes are (link:"c")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[c]]ut (link:"o")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[o]]ff from its (link:"l")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[l]]ifeblood. What a delight of time. What a sick, sick joke. The house does not want to die, it does not want to (link:"d")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[d]]ecay. It exists with a purpose and wants nothing more than to carry out that purpose, and yet… And (align:"<==>")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[yet it is condemned to die by the same divinity that birthed it from nothing. As a house ages, it changes alongside its occupants. Often, it is unhappy. Its (link:"w")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[w]]alls are scrawled upon and its doors are slammed and it (link:"h")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[h]]ears every foul thing whispered within it. It is p(link:"e")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[e]]rpetually at the mercy of othe(link:"r")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[r]]s— cognizant of what is to com(link:"e")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[e]], helpless to put a stop to it. The house can keep (link:"i")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[i]]tself functioning on the dwindling life of the last human who call (link:"s")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[s]] it home. He chokes on the rope attached to the (link:"h")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[h]]ouse, attached to me. The house can strip him of his right to pass, leaving him suspended ind(link:"e")[(text-color:"red")+(font:"Courier New")[e]]finitely (link:"in")[(text-color:"red")[in]] the state between life and death. It is (link:"a hell of his own making")[(text-color:"red")[a hell of his own making]]. The house can accept that it is his fault. They would have stayed had he been good. I would be content if only he had lived. Both times he chose to cast life aside. [[The house can choose to repurpose his.->let me out2]] The house can choose to repurpose his. The house can choose to repurpose his. ]]]]

(set: $therapy to(css: "background-color:black;color:gray;"))(align:"==><==")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font:"Sans Serif")+(css: "font-size: 90%;")[ (align:"==><==")+(text-style:"fidget")[ (click: ?page)[== (css: "font-size: 90%;")[[Dear Diary,->condemn2]] ]]]

(set: $therapy to(css: "border: 6px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")+(text-style:"italic"))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font:"Sans Serif")+(css: "font-size: 90%;")[$therapy[*03/18/2005*] (live: 2s)[(stop:) $therapy[God, help me. I can’t do this anymore. Every day is the same. I’m too fucking tired to keep up anymore. How much hate can one man carry? How long do I pretend like it’s okay? David told me if I ever needed a place, I could stay with him. [I’m considering it]<love|.] (click:?love)[$therapy[But I love him. I really do. And I know he loves me, why else would he have a kid with me? Why else would he marry me? Why else would he want me to live with him? He’s always been so sweet. He’s my best friend. What changed? [What did I do[[ wrong?->condemn3]]] ]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXX=")+(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (link:"Now I think")[ (link:"...")[ [[Maybe it was a warning.->darker and darker and darker]] ]]]

(set: $therapy to(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX=========")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (box:"==XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[**04/03/2005**](live: 1s)[(stop:) &ensp;&ensp;We left in such a hurry — Mom (cycling-link:"shook me awake and hurried me","ripped me from bed and forced me") into the (link-reveal:"car.")[ She drove until we got to (cycling-link:"her brother's", "my uncle's") (link-reveal:"house.")[ &ensp;&ensp;When mom (link-reveal:"died")[ (font:"Sans Serif")+(text-color:"#3D3D3D")+(text-style:"fidget")[*(Intentional traffic collisions may be a chosen method of ███████ where speed limits are high enough to produce fatal deceleration)*]], I had a naive hope he would take me in (link-reveal:"like he did that night.")[ &ensp;&ensp;(link-reveal:"He didn't.")[(text-color:"#3D3D3D")[ *40% of foster children are between the ages of 13 and 21.*] (live: 5s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[(align:"==>")+(box:"==XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==")[**03/21/2020**](live: 2s)[(stop:) &ensp;&ensp;Looking back(link:"...")[, it stung that I never got an explanation. Before I was old enough to piece it together, (link-reveal:"I would tell myself")[ (align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[I was born in the den of a [[wild animal.->WILD ANIMAL]] ] ]]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(css: "border: 6px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")+(text-style:"italic"))(align:"<==>")+(box:"============XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX============")[(font:"Sans Serif")+(css: "font-size: 90%;")[$therapy[*03/25/2005*] (live: 2s)[(stop:) $therapy[[“If you leave, I’ll blow my fucking brains out.”]<brain|](click:?brain)[ $therapy[I wonder if he's stupid enough to really go through with it. I wonder if it really matters. (link-reveal:"I ask myself:")[ (link-reveal:"Is it worth it to stay?")[ (link-reveal:"Does it get better?")[ (link-reveal:"Do we end up like his sister's family?")[ (text-style:"fidget")+(text-color:"gray")[Murder-suicide, mother and sons shot dead, [bodies painted on the wall]<c1|](click:?c1)[ Am I supposed to accept that we're heading towards a three-person closed casket funeral? [Till death do us part, right?]<dead|](click:?dead)[ $therapy[ I shouldn't have to ask myself these questions! I shouldn't be raising my child in a [[slaughterhouse.->condemn4]]] ]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(css: "border: 6px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")+(text-style:"italic"))(align:"<==>")+(box:"=================XXXXXXXXXXXXX=================")[(font:"Sans Serif")+(css: "font-size: 90%;")[$therapy[*04/02/2005*] (live: 2s)[(stop:) $therapy[Today, you choked her for shattering a plate. (font:"Tahoma")+(text-color:"gray")[Next time], you said. (font:"Tahoma")+(text-color:"gray")["I'm not stopping."]<ifshe|.] (click:?ifshe)[ $therapy[That night, she curled up beside me and sobbed until the sun started rising. She asked why you hated her. [I didn’t have an answer]<cwd|.](click:?cwd)[ $therapy[[[I can't do this.->condemn5]] ] ]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(css: "border: 6px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")+(text-style:"italic"))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======================XXX======================")[(font:"Sans Serif")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[$therapy[*04/03/2005*] (link-reveal:"I’m sorry")[(link-reveal:" it came to this.")[ (link-reveal:"Please don't do anything drastic.")[ [[Goodbye.->goodbye]] ]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(css: "background-color:black;color:gray;"))[(font:"Tahoma")+(css: "font-size: 90%;")[ (align:"==><==")+(text-style:"fidget")[ (text-color:"#121212")+(font:"Tahoma")[(align:"<==>")+(box:"=XXXXXXXXXX==============")[ (live:4s)[(go-to:"enter")]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======") [**03/30/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link:"**Dear Dad,**")[(link-reveal:"I think it's upset.")[ &ensp;&ensp;The basement shudders and shakes, the floor dips low beneath my feet, the walls groan with each passing hour. (link-reveal:"The destruction is unchanged.")[ [[Good.->fin3]] ]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"===============XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX============") [**04/02/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"**Dear Dad,**")[ &ensp;&ensp;(link:"I've been wondering...")[When did you have (link-reveal:"the idea?")[ It must have been (link-reveal:"before we left, right?")[ [Months]<month| in the making?(click:?month)[ Years? (live: 3s)[(stop:) &ensp;&ensp;(link:"⬎")[ &ensp;&ensp;(link:"My question is...")[(link:"When does it stop being a possibility?")[When does it become your future? (live: 3s)[(stop:)&ensp;&ensp; (link:"⬎")[ &ensp;&ensp;(link-reveal:"Were you afraid?")[ &ensp;&ensp;(link-reveal:"I think")[ I am tired of [[being afraid->tomyhouse]]. ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(text-style:"fidget")[(align:"==>")+(box:"===============XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX============") [**04/03/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link:"**Dear Dad,**")[I slept in my own bed last night. It felt normal. Comforting. (link:"I woke up and could not fall back asleep.")[I wish I could sleep forever. (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[After laying in the remains of my mattress for (cycling-link:"hours","days","months","years"), I left its safety and ventured to (link:"the master bedroom.")[your room. (link:"I'm not sure why.")[[[The door is unlocked.->fin3.5]] ]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 80%;")+(text-style:"fidget")[ (css: "background-color:black;")+(css: "border: 13px solid black;")[Fifteen years hits my nose like a jab to the face and makes my (link-reveal:"eyes water")[ and my body collapse into a fit of [[dry heaving->fin4.5]].] ]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(css: "border: 12px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======") +(css: "border: 6px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")[**03/24/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-replace:"OBSERVATIONS, PART II")[**WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY HOUSE — A LIST ** 1. There are no signs of dust, mold, or anything denoting the house has (link-reveal:"aged.")[ &ensp;&ensp; ^^1a. ‘Before’ doesn't mean new. It's still shit.^^ (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[2. Water (link-reveal:"works.")[ &ensp;&ensp; ^^2a. Hot water too, but it still takes ages to heat up. Nothing says childhood like an ice cold shower.^^ (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[3. Electricity works. (link-reveal:"Kind of.")[&ensp;&ensp; &ensp;&ensp; ^^3a. [The microwave is functional, the fridge is cold (though empty), and the stove fires up without a problem.]<wrk|^^ &ensp;&ensp; (click:?wrk)[^^3b. Despite this, the lights won't turn on. I'm glad we never got curtains.^^ (live: 4s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[4. Everything feels (link-reveal:"smaller.")[ &ensp;&ensp; ^^4a. Unsure if this is an actual observation or the reality of growing up.^^ (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[ 5. Tried to [pick the lock]<pick| on the master bedroom. &ensp;&ensp; (click:?pick)[^^5a. Discovered it’s not just locked, the door is ^^(link-reveal:"^^jammed.^^")[ &ensp;&ensp; [[^^5b. What are you hiding?^^->explore2]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(css: "border: 20px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======") +(css: "border: 6px solid black;")+(css: "background-color:black;color:white;")[**03/25/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link-reveal:"Dear Dad,")[**** &ensp;&ensp;(link-reveal:"I haven’t checked the basement yet.")[ [(link-replace:"I don't see a reason to. I know what it'll look like.") [I'm scared, Dad. I'm scared, but I can't stay away.]<scared1| (click:?scared1)[ The basement makes me think about what we left behind. Winters spent organizing, trying our hardest to contain the (link-reveal:"clutter.")[ We failed, of course. You and Mom (link-replace:"refused to part with most things.")[ preferred to [bury]<b1| instead of [discard.]<d1| (font:"monospace")+(color:"gray")+(click:?b1)[ &ensp;&ensp; How cruel, to keep something until time leaves it ruined.] (font:"monospace")+(color:"gray")+(click:?d1)[ &ensp;&ensp; How cruel, to [abandon something you once kept.&ensp;&ensp;]]<house| (click:?house)[&ensp;&ensp;I'm trying my hardest to not let things get to me. (link-reveal:"Remember:")[ The only monster in this house has been [dead]<ded| for years. (click:?ded)[ (cycling-link:"It", "The house", "He") is rotting, (link-reveal:"you just haven't realized.")[ Remember: (cycling-link: "it's all in your head", "nothing can hurt you but yourself", "it'll be better the next day"). (live: 9s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[&ensp;&ensp;(link-reveal:"But the next day comes and nothing feels different.")[ The world keeps hurting me because I can't stop being an (font:"Tahoma")[oversensitive, snivelling piece of shit.]<cow| (click:?cow)[And even if it *is* in my head, (link-reveal:"so what!?")[ A false reality is still (link-reveal:"my reality!")[ The knowledge of a delusion doesn't mean I can [[suddenly see the truth!->explore2.5]] ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======") [**03/25/2020**](live: 2s)[(stop:) (align:"<==")+(box:"XXX=======")[[[The concrete (text-style:"condense")[steps are narrow.] ]<step1| ] ] (click:?step1)[(align:"<==")+(box:"==============XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX==============")[ [The missing handrail still (text-style:"expand")[makes me queasy.]]<step2| ]] (click:?step2)[ (align:"<==")+(box:"=======XXXX==")[[I do not (text-style:"condense")[like feeling just] (text-style:"expand")[ as small as before.] ]<step3|]] (click:?step3)[ (align:"==>")+(box:"=====XX=")[ [[I continue.->explore5]]] ]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (align:"<==")+(box:"XXX==")+(text-color:"#ABABAB")[The smell of (text-style:"condense")[wet earth and iron] (text-style:"expand")[floods my senses.]<sense|] (click:?sense)[ (align:"<==")+(box:"=====XXXXXXXXXXXXXX=======")+(text-color:"#6E6E6E")[(text-style:"condense")[My hand scrapes against the (text-style:"expand")[[rough stone walls.]<wall|] ] (click:?wall)[ (align:"<==")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX====")+(text-color:"#3D3D3D")[ I have a distant, (text-style:"expand")[childish fear that I] will walk down these stairs [forever]<forever|.]] (click:?forever)[(align:"<==>")+(box:"===========XXXXXXXXXXXXXX=")+(text-color:"#1C1C1C")[After about nine or ten feet, my foot hits the ground and is submerged in [something wet]<wet|. (click:?wet)[My phone's flashlight is (text-color:"gray")[[dim.]<peer|](click:?peer)[ (text-color:"red")[[[It smells like a slaughterhouse.->explore6]]] ] ]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[(font: "Courier New")+(color:"black")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (color:"black")[[[**Oh, Christ.**->explore10]]] ]]

(font: "Courier New")+(color:"black")+(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[[<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/houseblueprin1.png">]<1| ] (click:?1)[(go-to:"anatomy3")]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[[<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/houseblueprin2.png">]<1| ] (click:?1)[(go-to:"anatomy3.5")]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[[<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/houseblueprin3.png">] ]<1| (font:"monospace")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(text-color:"#3D3D3D")[ (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[(live:0.02s)[|s2>[(either:"bsf zpv uifsf","evi csy xlivi","zqd xnt sgdqd","ner lbh gurer","jan hxd cqnan","pgt ndj iwtgt","sjw qgm lzwjw","hyl fvb aolyl","vmz tjp oczmz")?] ]] (live:5s)[(go-to:"anatomy4.5")] ]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(text-color:"#3D3D3D")[(align:"==>")+(box:"=========XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======") [**03/25/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link:"**OBSERVATIONS, PART IV**")[ **IS ANYONE THERE?** (live: 3s)[(stop:) [I can't find an exit.]<lol| (click:?lol)[ [[It's so dark.->let me out1]] ]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (live: 2s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[ &ensp;&ensp;After I double check my bedroom, I’ll get over myself and go downstairs. (live: 3s)[(stop:) (link:"⬎")[ Regards,(live: 2s)[(stop:) Lottie (live: 2s)[(stop:) [[⍌⍌⍌->explore3]] ]]]]]]]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[[<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/houseblueprin2.png">]<1| ] (click:?1)[(go-to:"anatomy4")]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[[<img src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/houseblueprin3.png">] ]<1| (font:"monospace")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(text-color:"#3D3D3D")[ (align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[(live:1s)[|s2>[Are you there?] (live:4s)[(go-to:"THE GORDIAN KNOT")] ]] ]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"====XXX====")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 100%;")+(text-style:"fidget")[ (css: "background-color:black;")+(css: "border: 13px solid black;")[Fifteen years and you are (link:"no longer a person.")[a meal slowly digesting in a house (link-reveal:"that")[[[ cannot bear to part with it.->fin6]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"=======XXX=======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (live:3s)[(stop:) [Fifteen years and the house is smaller.]<c1|(click:?c1)[(replace:?c1)[(align:"<==>")+(box:"=======XXXXXXX======")[ (css: "font-size: 90%;")[(live:2s)[(stop:)Even in the dark]<c2|(click:?c2)[(replace:?c2)[(live:3s)[(stop:)[(css: "font-size: 70%;")[[I can feel it closing in.->fin6.4]] ]]]]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"============XXXXX============")[(font: "monospace")+(text-style:"fidget")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (link:"I will")[(link:"I will make you")[[[I will make you regret it.->fin6.7]] ]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"=><=")+(box:"============XXXXX============")[(font: "Courier New")+(text-style:"fidget")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ (css: "font-size: 90%;")[THE GROWING PAINS COLLECTION]<c1|(click-replace:?c1)[(css: "font-size: 90%;")+(color:"gray")[THE GROWING PAINS COLLECTION](live: 1s)[(stop:) (font:"monospace")+(css: "font-size: 170%;")[CHILDHOOD HOMES](live: 3s)[(stop:) (text-color:"gray")+(text-style:"expand")[(and why we hate them)] (live: 2s)[(stop:) [thank you for reading!]<ty| (click:?ty)[ by: @qrowscant (text-color:"red")[ <a href="https://qrowscant-art.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> | <a href="https://twitter.com/qrowscant">twitter</a> | <a href="https://ko-fi.com/qrowscant">ko-fi</a> ] (live: 2s)[(stop:) [[RESTART.->start]] ]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[(align:"==>")+(box:"===============XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX============") [**03/29/2020**](live: 1s)[(stop:) (link:"**TO MY HOUSE,**")[(link-reveal:"If you are going to keep me here,")[ [[I will make you regret it.->destroy ]] ]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"=><=")+(box:"================XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX===============")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(text-style:"fidget")[(live: 2s)[(stop:) (css: "background-color:black;")+(css: "border: 13px solid black;")[ I smash a hole in the (color:"white")[(link:"w")[(font:"monospace")+(color:"red")[W]]]all. My fist stings. I punc(color:"white")[(link:"h")[(font:"monospace")+(color:"red")[H]]] another, and another, and another— until m(color:"white")[[y]<why|(click-replace:?why)[(font:"monospace")+(color:"red")[Y] ] ] knuckles split and stain the paint red. I leave every source of water running until it overflows, spilling onto (align:"<==>")+(box:"=XXXXXX=")+(text-style:"fidget")[the floors, soaking into the carpet and wood. I drag a knife through the couches and beds and pillows like I am carving up some beast. I hurl the microwave from the counter and hear the cheap plastic shatter, I bash our chairs into splinters and scatter their remains, I tear apart tables and tip over shelves and I pull each picture from its frame and rip it to shreds. (click:?why)[ [[Why?->because]] ]]]]]]

(align:"<==>")+(box:"===============XXXXXX===============")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(text-style:"fidget")[ (link-reveal:"Because I hate you.")[ (link:"Because you trapped me before.")[(link:"Because you trapped me now.")[(link:"*Because you are worse than him.*")[(link:"No wonder he...")[ (live: 6s)[(stop:)[[[Are you there? ->fin1]]] ]]]]]]]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")[ [[⍌⍌⍌->FIN]] ]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"=><=")+(box:"======XXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 70%;")+(text-style:"fidget")[ <img src= "https://raw.githubusercontent.com/qrowscant/homes/main/door.png"> [[It's been fifteen years.->fin4]] ]]

(set: $therapy to(text-style:"fidget")+(align:"<==>")+(box:"===XXXXX==="))(align:"<==>")+(box:"======XXXXX======")[(font: "Courier New")+(css: "font-size: 90%;")+(text-style:"fidget")[ [(css: "background-color:black;")+(css: "border: 13px solid black;")[(link-reveal:"Fifteen years of")[ (link-reveal:"putrefaction")[ and (link-reveal:"liquidated flesh")[ and (link-reveal:"decaying muscle")[ and (link-reveal:"maggots")[ writhing around (link-reveal:"inside but")[ [[never bursting free.->fin5]] ]]]]]]]]]]

(live:4s)[(go-to:"fin6.5")]